More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  “So, Doctor,” Norman interjected. He then looked to Paige for approval. “If I may.” Paige nodded her approval for Norman to ask any question he’d like. “Are you saying that even if this test comes back negative, she could take another one and it could come back positive?”

  “That is about the reality of it,” the doctor said. “But let’s have positive thoughts for a negative result. Okay?” Paige nodded and the doctor stood. “Now I’m going to go write you up the order to have the test run. You can go to the lab downstairs and they’ll take care of you. And by all means, if you have any questions or concerns, do not hesitate to call my office.”

  “One more thing, Doctor,” Norman said. “Adele; she was given tests when she was born. Would that have included a test for HIV? And if that’d come back positive, wouldn’t the hospital have told us?”

  “Yes and yes. But it wouldn’t hurt to confirm and even counsel with your daughter’s pediatrician,” the doctor suggested.

  Paige made a mental note to do just that. If she needed to be tested again, then perhaps so did Adele.

  “Thank you, Dr. Benton,” Norman replied.

  “No problem. It was good seeing you both. You can pick up the order at the desk on your way out.” The doctor nodded and then exited the room.

  Paige could not hide the worry on her face, nor did she try to. She just planted her face in Norman’s chest and put her arms around him. “I’m so sorry for dragging you into this mess. Your mother is right for being upset that you married me. And not because I’m black, but because I came with a black cloud over my head that produces nothing but storms. What mother wants that for her child?”

  “Oh, no, you don’t.” Norman pulled Paige away from him and held on to her at arm’s length. “If you’re planning a pity party, you can scratch my name right off the guest list. We are going to get through this and we are going to get through this with our heads held high, looking toward the hills from which cometh our help.”

  Paige nodded while wiping the tears that had planned on escaping her eyes. “You’re right. Let’s just do this. Let’s get this over with and hope for the best.”

  “Doesn’t sound too convincing, but it’s a start.” Norman put his hand on Paige’s shoulder and the two exited the room.

  Paige got the orders for her HIV test and then headed to the downstairs lab where her blood was drawn. After being told it would be about a week before the results were sent to her doctor, Paige headed back to the car hand in hand with Norman to wait out her seven days, which she knew beyond a doubt would feel more like seven years. God grant me the patience of Job!

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Norman, son, it’s so good to see you.” Mrs. Vanderdale kissed Norman on the cheek as he entered the house with Paige. Even though they’d driven separate cars, they decided to pick up Adele together. Once Mrs. Vanderdale saw Paige entering behind Norman, her smile faded somewhat, but she managed to remain cordial. “Paige, it’s uh, good to see you too.”

  Paige smiled and nodded. “You too, Mrs. Vanderdale.” Paige’s greeting was genuine. The last thing on her mind was fighting with her mother-in-law. She’d had to deal with the fear of almost losing Adele and now the fear of possibly being HIV-positive. Life was way too short, which was something she was learning day by day . . . the hard way.

  “That baby girl of yours is to die for. You should be so proud.” Mrs. Vanderdale cleared her throat. “You too, Norman.”

  “Thank you, Mother,” Norman replied, pleased but surprised at his mother’s behavior. “Where is the baby?”

  “Oh, she’s down in the family room with Samantha.” Mrs. Vanderdale got close to Norman as if sharing a secret. “She wouldn’t even let Miss Nettie help her care for the baby. I think she’s got the fever, too.” Mrs. Vanderdale pulled back and covered her mouth. “Baby fever that is.” She looked at Paige. “I’m sorry. I really wasn’t taking a shot at you, I swear.”

  Paige just nodded and smiled. She was determined not to let her Archie Bunker reincarnated mother-in-law get under her skin. If somehow these were her last days on earth, she wasn’t going to give all her energy hating Mrs. Vanderdale when there was so much other stuff to love. But even so, there was still unresolved tension in the room.

  “Norman, son, why don’t you go get the baby while I have a talk with my, uh, daughter-in-law here.”

  It looked as though it pained Mrs. Vanderdale to claim Paige as her daughter-in-law. That alone caused Paige to flex a little. But then Norman placed himself in her vision and mouthed the words “baby steps” to her.

  As far as Paige was concerned, this woman might have been deliberately planning on taking baby steps forever. Paige would be six feet under before the woman ever made it to a full-out sprint!

  Mrs. Vanderdale took a deep breath. “I really would like to speak with you, Paige.” She sounded sincere. She appeared sincere as she looked Paige in the eyes.

  Norman thought he was going to be the one having breathing problems and end up sprawled out on the couch. He was speechless. Were his mother’s baby steps turning in to strides?

  “Oh, go on, son. She’s safe with me.” Mrs. Vanderdale smiled.

  Norman hesitated, not sure if this was some trick his mother was playing to get Paige alone and disrespect her behind closed doors. But after the last talk he had with his mother, he was almost certain she knew he absolutely would not tolerate hearing of such a thing. He knew his mother was smarter than to risk seeing her son even less than she had in past years.

  “Are you going to be all right, sweetheart?” Norman asked Paige. He knew she was still concerned about the HIV test she’d just taken. He didn’t want his mother adding to her worries.

  “Yes, go ahead and get our daughter. I’ll be fine,” Paige told him.

  Norman kissed Paige on the forehead, gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and then left.

  Mrs. Vanderdale watched the loving exchange between her son and Paige before clearing her throat and then pointing toward the couch. “Can we sit?”

  “Sure.” Paige made her way over to the couch.

  “Is everything okay? Sam said she was keeping Adele while Norman joined you at the doctor’s office. All is well I hope.” Mrs. Vanderdale sat down in her favorite chair next to the couch. “Should I have Nettie bring us something to drink? Are you hungry? I’m sure there’s something she can whip—”

  “No, no, Mrs. Vanderdale. I’m fine. Not much of an appetite these past few days.”

  “And it shows.” Mrs. Vanderdale gave Paige the once-over. “You must share your diet or regime. You look nice.”

  Paige looked herself over. Between taking care of the baby and the stress of the whole HIV scare, she hadn’t been eating well lately, if she even ate at all. On top of that she was due to return to work in a few weeks. She nearly had an anxiety attack every time she thought about that. She hadn’t even started to interview babysitters, although between her mother and Miss Nettie offering their services, she really didn’t need one. Plus, having family keep Adele would probably give her more peace of mind.

  “I think it’s what’s called a stress diet,” Paige admitted to her mother-in-law.

  “Oh, one of those. I think I’ve had my share of those over the years. But then again, you live with Norman now, so you know just what it can be like dealing with him.” She rolled her eyes in her head playfully.

  Paige simply smiled. Words weren’t coming too easy. They seemed to be trapped among all the chaotic what-ifs of her possibly having contracted HIV. If it weren’t for that fact, Paige probably would have taken advantage of this one-on-one with her mother-in-law to let her have it for the way she’d disrespected her. Knowing there was a possibility she might have to fight a deadly disease, though, Paige made a conscious decision to save her energy for that battle.

  “And then of course there’s the stress I put on you as well.”

  Paige stared at Mrs. Vanderdale. Was she about to do what Paige thought she was a
bout to do?

  Mrs. Vanderdale wriggled in her seat. “Look, Paige, you and I both know I owe you the deepest of apologies. I acted a fool and treated you bad the last time you were here. I’m just grateful you even stepped foot in my house again yourself, let alone let your precious cargo spend the afternoon here. Seeing that made me realize that you are the bigger person. And if anybody knows me, they know I like to always be the bigger person . . . or at least appear to be anyhow.” She winked. “Because trust me, this old gal knows how to hold a grudge.” She looked over to a collection of crystal vases that sat on the mantel. “How do you think I got Mr. Vanderdale to bid on that set of expensive collectibles at an auction last year?”

  Paige smiled. She had no problem with women tricking men into doing things for them. It was nice having at least one thing in common with her mother-in-law. But Paige knew she couldn’t take credit for being the bigger person.

  “Well, I have to admit Adele being here was Norman’s doing. And even though Norman and I have never had the conversation, I must admit I did have reservations about whether I wanted Adele around you. It’s going to be hard enough with Adele growing up with a black mother and a white father, who one day she is going to have to learn is not her father, that her father is really black, and here all along she’s grown up thinking she’s biracial. Not all of society is that accepting of families like ours. Heck, in the African American culture alone we’re still dealing with the whole light skin versus dark skin thing. And then on top of all that to have her father’s mother, whom she will know as her grandmother, act like the, pardon my French, stereotypical bigot, we’ll have—”

  Mrs. Vanderdale put her hand up. “Please, stop it. You don’t have to say anymore. I was awful and I know it. And, Paige, I’m sorry. I’d like to say that I don’t know where any of those actions came from, but I think I know exactly where they did. It’s part of my family history, kind of like a family curse. I almost want to say it was part of my genetics, something buried deep within my blood that just finally showed itself like a cancer. Whatever excuse I gave Norman for feeling the way I felt about him marrying you is just wrong. Maybe I’ve felt that way about Black people all my life and just did a great job at hiding it. I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m working on it and I’m going to get fixed.”

  “I’m glad to hear that you recognize your behavior was not only inappropriate, inaccurate, and offensive, but that you are doing something about it. But what makes you so sure that you can change? That you can be fixed?”

  “Honey, because I’m working with the best and he hasn’t encountered one person he hasn’t been able to fix yet. After all, they don’t call my husband the underground Dr. Phil for nothing.”

  Paige smiled. “Well, praise God, Mrs. Vanderdale. I’m floored.”

  “You know, my husband thinks God has something to do with all this too. He said that God may have brought you into my Norman’s life for such a time as this.”

  Paige raised an eyebrow. “Come again?”

  “Paige, dear, you are the reason why I was able to dig up the roots to this ugly seed that has been growing inside of me all these years, hiding up under the dirt. It made me look back on some past things that I might have said and I might have done, you know, to other Black people. Even my very own staff, who I’ve humbled myself to also apologize to.” She looked off as her eyes watered. “Even Nettie.” She shook away her tears. “But now before I meet my Maker I have a chance to change my heart, to change my ways. If it had not been for you coming into my life as my daughter-in-law, why, I might have ended up spending eternal life in hell.” Her eyes watered again. “So not only am I sorry, but I’m grateful. Paige, thank you. Thank you.”

  Paige’s heart was warming over like marshmallows atop a cup of hot chocolate. “Mrs. Vanderdale, your apology is accepted.”

  “I brought you two some hot tea and some of my tea-ade. Wasn’t sure if you’d need warming up or cooling off in here.” Miss. Nettie entered the room upon Paige accepting her mother-in-law’s apology. She was carrying a tray with two teacups, two glasses filled with ice, a tea kettle, a pitcher of her famous concoction, and some small triangular sandwiches.

  “Oh, why thank you, Nettie,” Mrs. Vanderdale said, quickly wiping away any proof that she was on the verge of crying.

  “No problem. No problem at all, Mrs. Vanderdale.” After setting the tray down, Miss Nettie looked at Paige and winked. If Paige was accepting an apology when she’d walked in the room, and the only other person in the room was her boss, that meant that Mrs. Vanderdale had to have apologized to Paige. Miss Nettie’s spirit was rejoicing inside. She’d go get her praise on in her room later. For right now, a wink acknowledging Paige’s win would have to do. “Let me know if you two gals need anything else.” Miss Nettie started to leave.

  “Nettie, why don’t you take a load off and come join Paige and me for a drink?” Mrs. Vanderdale said.

  “Oh, no, I still have laundry to get started,” Miss Nettie replied.

  “Come on, the laundry can wait.”

  Miss Nettie paused and looked at her boss. “Are you sure, Mrs. Vanderdale?”

  “I’m positive. We don’t get to spend as much time together since we stopped our little Saturday afternoon . . . well you know.”

  “Yes, I know,” Miss Nettie said. “But you’re gonna be mad you’ve been missing them shows. There’s a new one out with doctor’s wives and stuff. Them women are a hoot.” Miss Nettie shook her head.

  “Don’t tempt me, Nettie. Now sit down and join us.”

  “Well, okay, if you’re sure, Mrs. Vanderdale.”

  “I’m positive. Have a seat.”

  Miss Nettie hesitantly but respectfully accepted her boss’s offer to take a break. Nettie went to pour the liquids into the glasses.

  Mrs. Vanderdale stood. “Now didn’t I tell you to take a load off?” She smacked Nettie’s hand away. “What would you two ladies like? I’ll fix the drinks.”

  Both Paige’s and Miss Nettie’s eyes bucked as they looked at each other in complete shock. They then rattled off their drink preference. Paige just smiled as her mother-in-law handed her a cup of tea. She looked at Miss Nettie who leaned in and lipped, “Told you all you had to do is pray.” She looked upward. “He does the rest.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Paige shouted. She dropped the phone and shouted as her feet had a mind of their own and stomped the ground. “Glory! Glory!”

  Within seconds, Norman came rushing out of the baby’s room, closing the door behind him. “Paige, I just laid Adele down to sleep. You’re going to wake her up. What’s going on?”

  With a huge smile on her face, all Paige did was take Norman’s hands and begin jumping up and down. Her joy became contagious. He smiled and lightweight jumped with her. “What is it? What’s going on?”

  “It’s negative! That was Dr. Benson’s office on the phone. The HIV test was negative. They’re going to send the actual paperwork showing the results in the mail. But they know how waiting can be, so when they got the results today they called me. It’s negative! Yes!” Paige, without thinking, threw her arms around Norman’s neck and kissed him on the left cheek. She then kissed him on the right cheek. Finally, her lips landed on his. She pulled back, smiled, and then planted another kiss on him. She was too happy and excited to even think about how he felt about the kiss, whether it was welcomed. Her natural instincts just wanted to lay one on him, and so she did. After the fourth kiss she realized that Norman was just standing there, dumbfounded. That’s when it dawned on her that she had possibly driven the bus down a one-way street.

  Paige put her hand over her mouth and pulled back. “Oh my. Oh, Norman, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She immediately began wiping her mauve-colored lip gloss off of his lips. “I’m sorry. Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” Paige was moving ninety miles per hour in an attempt to remove remnants of her kiss from Norman’s lips.


  Suddenly Norman managed to grab Paige by her wrist. “Paige, stop it!” he ordered.

  Paige halted her actions. She looked down, so disappointed in herself. She had vowed that she wasn’t going to make any moves emotionally, verbally, or physically unless she knew Norman’s feelings for her were mutual. Now she felt as if not only was she going down a one-way street, but that she was headed in the wrong direction. “I’m sorry,” she apologized to Norman. “I didn’t mean to . . . I just got carried away. I love you, Norman, you know that, and my friendship with you means everything. I never wanted to cross that line and ruin things between us. So I pray you can forget that ever happened.”

  Norman listened to Paige, and once he was certain she was finished talking he said, “I’ll forget that it ever happened. But only if you remember this forever.” And on that note, Norman pulled Paige close to him and kissed her like she’d eaten the poisoned apple and he was the Prince Charming who needed to save her life with a kiss.

  Paige lay there next to Norman in his bed feeling as if she’d just experienced the downtown Fourth of July parade and fireworks display. She’d never been touched like that before. She’d never been kissed like that before. Held like that before. Made love to like that before. She had to sit back and ask herself if it was all real, if everything had really felt that good. Or was it like the times she’d starved herself all day and by the time she ate, she was so hungry that boo boo would have tasted like a five-star meal? Had she been starving for a man’s affection so long that Norman hadn’t really been all that and a bag of chips? Maybe in reality, once she came down off her high, she’d come to find that he was just the chips—no salsa, no dip, no nothing extra.

  So what? Paige thought. Right now it tasted good and satisfied her appetite and that’s all that mattered. A smile spread across her face just thinking how good she felt.

  “What’s that smile about?” Paige heard Norman ask. She was off in such a daze that she’d almost forgotten he was even lying there next to her . . . and in his bed no less.