More Than I Can Bear

by E. N. Joy

  Miss Nettie held her hands out. “Now look, Mrs. Vanderdale, you might want to back up. Keep in mind I served five years before coming to work here. You can’t handle some of this whoop I can pull out of a can if need be.” It was true; Miss Nettie had been a former patient of Mr. Vanderdale’s during his days as a therapist in the prison system. Miss Nettie felt it necessary to remind her boss of such.

  Naomi gasped in shock. “Are you threatening me?”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Paige said, holding up her hands and walking in between the women. “Emotions are high right now.” She turned and placed her hands on Naomi’s shoulders. “I know you want to blame somebody for something . . . anything . . . everything. Trust me. I’ve been there. But don’t blame Miss Nettie for my leaving. I’ve only known this woman for a little over a year. You’ve known her a lifetime so you know as well as I do that Miss Nettie don’t blow smoke up nobody’s behind. She speaks the truth and dang on it, as much as we both probably hate to admit it, the woman is always right.”

  Paige’s comment caused both Naomi and Miss Nettie to chuckle. Paige was glad she was able to cut up the tension before it got bad and words got to flying, words the women might regret having said but weren’t able to take back by any means.

  Naomi looked at Paige, squinted her eyes, and shook her head while saying, “And isn’t it just scary that someone can be that connected to God where they just know things . . . just know everything? I mean, have you ever met anyone like that in your life?”

  “Well, actually I have.” Paige laughed, thinking of New Day’s church mother, Mother Doreen. That woman has a spirit of discernment that made Paige not want to come to church on Sunday after a night of partying when she first got into church. It wasn’t until now when Paige realized how much Miss Nettie reminded her of Mother Doreen.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Vanderdale,” Miss Nettie apologized, “if I disrespected you in any way, or if you think I’m interfering in family affairs.”

  “Oh, Nettie, for God’s sake how many times do I have to tell you that you are family? We’re practically like sisters. As a matter of fact, I confide in you way more than I do either of my two blood sisters. Sometimes sisters have disagreements. And misunderstandings. And in this case, I misunderstood the whole issue about you and Paige having a talk. I jumped the gun without even listening to all the details. I know you would never steer Paige wrong. Like Paige said, I just needed someone to blame. I’m sorry, Nettie.”

  “Me too,” Miss Nettie said in return. The two women smiled and embraced.

  Naomi pulled away and gave Miss Nettie a serious look. “Were you really going to kick my butt?”

  Miss Nettie smacked her lips. “I’m a saved and changed woman . . . which means only if I’d had to.” Miss Nettie broke out in laughter. “I’m just kidding. I’m all about turning the other cheek, but you know while I was locked up I had to talk a good game in order from getting my own tail beat. ’Spite popular belief, not all black girls can fight.”

  Both Naomi and Miss Nettie laughed and embraced again.

  “Hey, what do you say I sneak and watch a couple of those reality shows with you?” Naomi said to Miss Nettie.

  Miss Nettie raised an eyebrow and gave Naomi a serious look. “You’re not gonna tell that husband of yours are you? He thinks I’m a bad influence for getting you hooked on those shows.”

  “There’s some things sisters have to keep between themselves, sista,” Naomi said, then bumped Miss Nettie with her hip. The two women cracked up laughing.

  “Well, now that my work is done here, can me and my daughter go?” Paige said, a little disappointed that her mother-in-law had so quickly recuperated from the fact that she was moving out. “Besides, the movers expected me about fifteen minutes ago.”

  “Oh, Paige, I forgot you were still here,” Naomi said. “Drive safely with that precious cargo. I’ll call you tonight before I turn in.” She turned to Miss Nettie. “Come on, I’ve been dying to find out if that pregnant rapper chick stays with her husband who had turned it up.”

  Paige laughed as she watched Naomi hustle off with Miss Nettie to go indulge in her guilty pleasure of reality shows. For Paige, on the other hand, it was time for her to go face her own reality; and her reality was that she was a pregnant, twice-married, once-divorced, widowed single mother . . . without a plan.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  “Hold it right there. Say cheese.”

  “Cheese,” Paige said and one-and-a-half-year-old Adele mocked as the photographer with H2J Photography snapped the family portrait. The flashing light caused baby Norma, who was just about eleven months younger than her older sister, to flinch and blink multiple times back to back.

  “Okay, Vanderdale family. I think that’s it,” the photographer said as he began to pack up his things.

  “Thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming and setting up at the house,” Paige told him. “This is our first family portrait. It made it just that much easier not having to drag the girls out to some other location. I think they did well seeming they were right at home.”

  “Well I’m honored that you allowed H2J Photography the honor for your first family portrait. And what a beautiful family you are.”

  “Thank you.” Paige looked from Adele to Norma. “I do have some beautiful daughters.”

  “You do, and no offense, but I was more so referring to the mommy.”

  Paige was stunned by the photographer’s blunt comment. She was even more stunned that it made her feel all funny inside. The last compliment she’d received from a man was from Norman. Unless her doctor complimenting her on how well she was pushing Norma out counted.

  The photographer noticed how flushed Paige was. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  “Oh, no, you’re fine,” Paige said, trying to play it off. The last thing she wanted him to do was to think she didn’t know how to take a compliment. But as she played back her words, she reconsidered them, hoping that he didn’t take them literally, since he was in fact, fine. “I mean you’re not fine, fine as in looks. I mean you’re fine as in okay. You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”

  “Uh, okay. I think.” He kind of frowned. “I mean, I know I’m no Denzel fine, but I’d like to think I’m a nice-looking brotha.”

  Paige threw her forehead in her hand. “Oh, geesh. That didn’t come out right. I’m sorry . . . Ryan, right?”

  “Well, at least you remembered my name,” the photographer said. “That takes away some of the sting of you calling me ugly.”

  Paige laughed. “Now you know I didn’t call you ugly. Stop putting words in my mouth.”

  Ryan laughed as well. “I know. I’m just messing with you.” Ryan finished packing up his backdrop, props, and camera equipment. “Give me a few days to get together some proof pictures for you to look at. I’m going to add borders, maybe get some red eye out, editing, you know, make them look the best they can.”

  “Dang; all that to make me look good?” Paige huffed. “And here I thought all this time I had a natural beauty. Now who’s calling who ugly?”

  “See, there you go.” Ryan pointed and smiled.

  “Ummm, hmmm. Got you back.” Paige laughed.

  “That’s good. I ain’t mad at ya. As a matter of fact, I like a woman with a sense of humor. It’s just a bonus that she looks good, too.” Ryan winked and then headed to the door.

  This man was blatantly flirting with Paige. Had he been flirting the entire time? She wouldn’t have noticed. She’d been too busy trying to get Adele and Norma to smile for the camera. But now Mr. Ryan had her full attention indeed!

  “Let me leave you alone before you call my boss and tell him I was harassing you.”

  “I wouldn’t call it harassment,” Paige said, walking him to the door. “You’re just doing what you’ve gotta do to get a girl to order up lots of pictures. I know how y’all do it. But you can stop trying to butter me up. I’m probably going to buy every ta
ke anyhow.”

  “Ahhh, you’re on to me. Dang it.” He snapped his finger.

  “It’s all good. I ain’t mad at ya, Ryan.” There was a brief silence. Paige wasn’t sure if she’d purposely said Ryan’s name all sexy, or if his sexy name matched his sexy self. Medium brown skin. The kind where team light skin and team dark skin, as unfortunate as it is that those teams even exist, would have to fight for him. His dark brown eyes and smooth bald head with a goatee had enough gray hairs to make it attractive. He looked young though. Around his early thirties. Too young to have all those gray hairs. So Paige assumed he’d endured some stress in his life. “Do you have kids?” It was too late for Paige to take her query back. She’d assumed his stress may have come from kids. She’d wondered and that thought had escaped her mouth.

  “Yes. I have two kids. Boys. Five and six. Two baby mamas, but don’t judge me. I got caught up. Made stupid decisions.” He stood at the door. “You ever made stupid decisions? Did things you wish you could take back?”

  Paige thought about that question. Those thoughts occupied her mind momentarily, stopping her from judging Ryan, which was exactly what she was about to do before he posed that question. “I’ve done more stupid things than I care to admit,” Paige confessed. “So trust me”—Paige raised her hands in surrender—“no judging here.”

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say,” Ryan said, sounding a little down, “until they meet my babies mamas.” He laughed. “No, really, I’m just kidding. I actually only have one baby mama. We had our sons back to back. I hadn’t married her yet, but I was going to. I just . . . I don’t know, in all honesty I just wanted to play the field, see if the grass was greener. I wasn’t that good to her.” Regret filled his eyes. “She deserved better.” He stared off momentarily and then brought his thoughts back to the present. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go there as if you’re Oprah or something.” He chuckled. “It’s just that’s the one thing that bothers me is the way I treated my sons’ mother.”

  “Well, I’m sure she’d like to hear that. ‘I’m sorry’ goes a long way for a woman. Sometimes we just want a brother to acknowledge his wrong, without making excuses for it.”

  “Yeah, I hear you, but it’s too late for all that now.” He turned the doorknob and opened the door.

  “It’s never too late to say that you are sorry.”

  “It is when the person isn’t here anymore.”

  When Ryan looked up at Paige, she saw a familiar look in his eyes. It was one she’d seen a million times before when she herself had looked into the mirror after Norman’s death. She had so many regrets, like how she played around and didn’t just tell him sooner how in love with him she was. They could have lived a little bit longer as husband and wife—real husband and wife.

  “I’m . . . I’m sorry to hear that,” Paige said as she stood holding on to the open door.

  “It’s okay. But hey, I’m here to make a milestone—your first family portrait ever. Not to have an Iyanla and Oprah moment.”

  Paige chuckled. “It’s okay. Sometimes we just need to let things out. To let things go.”

  “Yeah, and let God.”

  “Oh, you’re a Christian.”

  “Catholic.”

  Paige did a poor job of hiding the slight frown on her face.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I just have never met a black person who was Catholic.”

  “If Sammy Davis Jr. can be Jewish, can a brotha be Catholic?”

  Both Ryan and Paige shared another laugh.

  “You’re funny, Ryan,” Paige said.

  “You too, Paige.” Awkward silence. “Well, I better go. I have another appointment I need to get to. Watch your e-mail. In a few days you should have something from me. And if you have any questions in the meantime, you know how to reach me. I did give you my card didn’t I?”

  Paige looked over on her coffee table. She spotted the business card Ryan had given her. She walked over and picked it up. “Got it.”

  “Great. You have a good day.” Ryan nodded and was on his way to the next appointment.

  Adele sat on the couch shaking her baby sister’s rattle in her face while Paige closed the door and then stood up against it. She felt good. Perhaps laughter was the best medicine. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so much. She liked that. God must have known exactly what she needed. Although she didn’t realize it, she hadn’t given Ryan the glory, not one little bit. It all went to God. She’d grown a great deal since moving back on her own. A work in progress indeed!

  “Paige, these pictures are simply beautiful,” Mrs. Robinson said as she looked at the photos Paige had spread out on the dining room table. She’d brought the girls over to visit her parents as well as show off the portrait package she’d purchased from H2J Photography.

  “Aren’t they?” Paige had to agree. “Ryan did a phenomenal job. I’m going to make sure I recommend him to the church the next time we need photography services, like at an anniversary banquet or something.”

  “Oh, I just love this one of just Adele and Norma,” Mrs. Robinson said, holding up a picture of Norma lying on a fluffy brown rug and Adele sitting next to her with her hand on her belly.

  Paige leaned over and looked at the picture. “Oh, yes. That is one of my favorites. Ryan came up with that pose. Even though he’s only been doing photography for a few months, he’s like a pro. This is really his calling. He said he was definitely walking out on faith when he quit his job with benefits to just try something he’s always been interested in.”

  “And how’d you learn all that about this . . . Ryan?”

  “Oh, he shared it with me while he set up in the living room.” Paige stared off as if recollecting the conversation with Ryan. “It takes a God-fearing man to be led by faith.”

  Mrs. Robinson gave her daughter somewhat of a glare. “Nothing like stepping out on faith. At least you know you’re always headed in the right direction.”

  “Ain’t that the truth?” Paige said.

  “You must give me a big one of this photo.” Mrs. Robinson held up a picture of Paige up close making a funny face. It was just so natural and she looked genuinely happy. Her dimples were in full effect.

  “Oh that silly picture.” Paige shooed her hand. “Ryan just threw that in there to be funny. I was actually just trying to make the girls laugh. I had no idea he was pointing the camera at me.” Paige shook her head and went on to look at another picture. “That Ryan.”

  “Yeah, that Ryan is right.” Mrs. Robinson tsked.

  Paige looked up at her mother. “What was all that about?”

  Mrs. Robinson looked across the dining room and into the sitting area, where Mr. Robinson was down on the rug with Adele, while Norma was lying in the playpen. “Y’all all right in there, honey?” she called to her husband.

  “We’re just fine,” Mr. Robinson replied.

  “Come on.” Mrs. Robinson grabbed Paige’s hand and led her into the kitchen.

  “Mom, what’s wrong?” Paige asked with a worried look on her face.

  “Hopefully nothing, but I swear things are starting to feel like déjà vu.”

  “Mom, what on earth are you talking about? You’re starting to remind me of Miss Nettie, speaking in riddles and whatnot.”

  “Paige, honey, sit down,” Mrs. Robinson said. She and Paige went and sat down at the table. Mrs. Robinson clasped her hands and then thought for a moment before she spoke. “Paige, you are all right. You are a good person. It’s okay to be alone with you.”

  Paige was none the wiser as to where her mother was going with this conversation. “Mom, please. Just say whatever it is you are trying to say.”

  “Baby, I’m just trying to choose my words carefully because I don’t want it to come off the wrong way, but, please, before you go bringing a man into your life and those girls’ life, spend some time with yourself. Date yourself. Court yourself. Get to know yourself. Who you are. Who you are not. What you
like about yourself. What you don’t like about yourself. Spend some time making sure you are a person you can spend the rest of your life with so that you are sure somebody else can spend the rest of their life with you as well.”

  Paige was silent for a moment, her face laced with confusion. “Mom, where is this coming from?”

  “From my heart.” She grabbed her daughter’s hands. “Look, love. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it, but you’ve said Ryan’s name a million times, and every time you do, your face lights up like a big ol’ Christmas tree.”

  Paige smiled. “I didn’t realize I was doing that.”

  “See, even now you’re glowing at just the thought of him. I want to see you light up like that at just the thought of who you are and who God says you are. No man can define you, Paige. Dang it we’ve had this talk before.” Mrs. Robinson threw Paige’s hands away and turned her head in frustration.

  “Mom, I hear you loud and clear. And yes, maybe I am a little smitten by Ryan, but trust me, it’s not that serious. He hasn’t suggested anything but business between us.”

  “But the minute the check clears for those pictures, trust me, he’s going to come sniffing around and you gon’ go lifting your skirt so he can get a good whiff.”

  “Mother!” Paige was offended.

  “I don’t mean literally lifting your skirt and letting the boy between your legs. I mean you are going to play into his attraction toward you. Because trust me, if he’s got you acting all giddy and stuff right now and he hasn’t even made a move, you can rest assured that once he really starts to pursue you, the smallest of things is going to have you all stirred up over him.”

  “Mom—”

  “Don’t ‘Mom’ me. You know I’m right and this is one time when I don’t want to be. Paige, it’s just like when you brought Norman over here to tell me you were married to him. That fear I had about you not giving yourself time with you is the same fear I have now.”

  “But that was different and you know it. Norman and I got together under some very unusual circumstances. It just so happens we were friends. Then we were lovers. I absolutely was not trying to use Norman to fill a void in my life.”