Personal Demons

by Lisa Desrochers

  What the Hell?

  I walk to the mirror and stare at myself as I work harder to push off my human form. When nothing changes, I turn back to her.

  “Frannie. Look at me and tell me exactly what you see. What’s different?”

  “Well … the horns are kinda new, and your eyes are glowing a little more than usual. And I hate to say it, but you stink.” She scrunches her face and pinches her nose. “Can you turn off the rotten eggs? I like cinnamon better.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Is there supposed to be more?”

  Tail … hooves … fangs. “Well … yeah.”

  “Like?”

  “Nothing.” I grab my T-shirt off the floor and yank it on. “We’re going for a ride.”

  17

  For Heaven’s Sake

  FRANNIE

  We run through the rain, my hand in Luc’s, and slide into his car. I’m afraid to ask, but I do anyway. “Where are we going?”

  “There’s only one person—and I use that term loosely—that might know what the hell is going on,” he says as he starts the car.

  As Luc drives the storm picks up, and by the time we pull up to Gabe’s house it’s a full-on deluge, fat drops of rain sheeting the windshield and pounding on the roof like a thousand tiny hammers. And the whole way, all I can think about is that I told him I love him.

  What was I thinking?

  He’s a demon. I still can’t get my mind around what that even means. He had horns.

  And I told him I love him.

  Oh God! Where did that even come from?

  I don’t love him, do I?

  No. Love doesn’t exist.

  But neither do demons.

  I glance at Luc as he cuts the engine and turns to look at me. I’m terrified of him, but as stupid as I know it is, my terror has nothing to do with him not being human.

  Oh God. Do I love him?

  He pulls me out of the car and up the walk onto the porch to ring the bell. All the windows are dark.

  “Maybe he’s not home,” I say, hoping. ’Cause I’m not ready to do this with the two of them.

  “He’s here,” Luc answers just before the door opens and the sight of Gabe takes my breath away.

  I can’t be here with both of them. Not when I’m this confused. ’Cause three days ago I was just as terrified at the realization that I might love Gabe.

  I turn to Luc. “Is this a good idea?”

  “He might know what’s happening.”

  “Happening to who?” Gabe asks, reaching for my hand and pulling me through the door.

  “Me,” Luc says, following behind.

  Gabe turns on the light, and stares Luc down. “So … ?” he asks, closing the door behind us.

  “I can’t change,” Luc says, his voice heavy and low.

  Gabe looks shocked, like he actually knows what Luc is talking about and it means something. “Show me.”

  Luc steps back from me, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and sprouts small, black horns. I stare, fascinated, and resist the urge to reach up and touch them.

  “Try harder.”

  “That’s it. That’s all I got.”

  “And he’s not as hot as before,” I add. Luc looks at me, and there’s something in his eyes—hope, maybe.

  Understanding dawns on Gabe’s face. “I was wondering …”

  Luc’s horns are gone. “Wondering what?”

  “Do you remember telling me that you didn’t want Frannie to get hurt?”

  Luc’s eyes shift to mine. “Yes.”

  “And I told you I believed you.”

  “Yes.”

  “It was starting then. Your thoughts were hanging right out there for any old angel to hear. I can’t hear a demon’s thoughts.”

  Luc’s eyes narrow. “You’ve been in my head?” he growls.

  Gabe snorts. “Yeah. And I have to tell you, your plan sucked. You loved her, whether you knew it or not—a fact that shot the rest of your sad plan to Hell, so to speak.”

  My eyes snap to Luc.

  He loves me too?

  Luc glares at Gabe and turns to stare out the window.

  My mind is reeling, thoughts, images, and emotions all flying around at random. I’m hearing and thinking things I know are impossible—but I also know they’re true. And there’s a tiny piece of my core that feels relieved, like it knew this was coming.

  Luc—Lucifer—hot—horns—demon. It somehow seems more real now, with Gabe standing here, than it did in Luc’s apartment.

  Gabe.

  I hear my breath catch in some distant place as the pieces of the puzzle click together in my head. Gabe—Gabriel—his glowing smile—and all his warnings. And, what he just said … for any old angel to hear.

  No.

  I look at Gabe, unable to clear the stunned expression from my face. Angel?

  He looks at me, eyes cautious, and answers my unspoken question aloud. “Yes.”

  “No!”

  Why is that so much harder to accept than Luc being a demon?

  Because there are no angels—no Heaven—no God.

  The room spins, and I bend over, bracing my hands on my knees, trying to pull air into my collapsing lungs. But my throat tightens more as I think about Matt, completely cutting off my airway.

  If there’s a God, why did he take my brother?

  My legs go out, and the last thing I feel before I black out is Gabe swinging me into his arms.

  When I open my eyes, Luc’s worried face is the first thing I see. He’s sitting on the edge of the couch, holding my hand. Gabe is pacing behind him. I pull a shuddering breath and try to sit, but Luc lowers me gently back down on the couch, adjusting the throw pillow behind my head.

  “I don’t understand any of this.” My voice is little more than a rasping whisper.

  Luc gazes down at me, promising everything with his eyes. “Ask me anything.”

  My thoughts are a hopeless, twisted jumble and what comes out is a ramble. “You’re here … both of you … what … why?” I finally manage through a dry mouth with a shaking voice.

  His voice is soft, like he’s talking to a frightened child—which, I guess, he is. “Because that’s where you are.”

  “Me … you’re here for me … ?” I feel the blood drain from my head again, and stars dance in front of my eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” I whisper.

  A sardonic smile quirks Gabe’s lips as he sits on the arm of the couch at my feet. “I’m here to protect you from him.” He nods toward Luc.

  My whole body shakes and I feel like I could puke. “Protect me from … Luc?”

  Gabe turns to Luc, the disdain clear on his face. “You didn’t tell her? You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

  Luc looks tormented as he stands abruptly and moves to the window. His hand grips the window frame so hard I’m surprised the wood doesn’t splinter, and his gaze drops to the floor.

  Gabe eases in next to me on the couch. He folds me into his arms and I sink into him. “He’s here to tag your soul for Hell.”

  “Tag my soul …” I feel my head start to swim again as stars flash brighter in my eyes. Then my throat starts to close off when I think about why I belong in Hell. “Because of … what happened?”

  Gabe pulls me tighter to him. “No. It has nothing to do with that.”

  Luc turns back from the window and looks at Gabe and me with the question in his eyes.

  I pull my gaze away from him and settle deeper into Gabe. “Then, why me?”

  Gabe pierces Luc with a steel gaze, and Luc looks suddenly unsure. “I never knew for sure,” he finally says. “All I knew is that I needed to tag her.”

  “Hmm, so Beherit must have a lot of faith in you, then,” Gabe says, sarcasm overflowing.

  Luc stares death at Gabe. “Shut the hell up. It’s not my place to know.” But then he looks at me in Gabe’s arms, and his gaze drops to his hands.

  “Touchy, aren�
��t we.” Gabe’s expression softens. “You have a good guess, though.”

  Luc nods but doesn’t say anything.

  Gabe pulls me closer. “You’re special, Frannie. You have special … skills. Certain gifts that both sides would kill—literally—to get their hands on.”

  “Both sides … like, Heaven and Hell?”

  He nods.

  “I don’t have any gifts.”

  “But you do.” He looks at Luc. “Doesn’t she?”

  Luc’s eyes shift tentatively from the floor to mine. “You see things, Frannie.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You have Sight … visions. Ghalib, Taylor’s dad. You knew.”

  My throat tightens as I think about my nightmares—things I saw before they happened. The faces that follow the lightning in my head: Matt, Grandma, Ghalib, Mr. Stevens, and so many others.

  Gabe pulls back and looks into my eyes. “But there’s more. Something even bigger.”

  I look back at Luc and his face goes white. He shakes his head slowly. Gabe looks up at him and nods.

  “Sway …” Luc whispers, his brow creasing as if he had a sudden headache. He drops his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Unholy Hell …”

  “What?” I say. A shudder runs down my spine and Gabe pulls me close again.

  “Hitler, Moses … what do they have in common?”

  I’m in no frame of mind to work out a riddle. “Just tell me what’s going on.” I hate that my voice sounds so small and weak.

  “You know the story of Moses. He had the ability to make people listen: to sway their opinions, their thoughts. There had never been anyone like that before. When Lucifer saw what he could do, how God worked through him, he realized he’d screwed up. The next time someone showed up with that same degree of Sway, Lucifer wasn’t going to get beat out. He fought—dirty, I might add,” he says, glaring at Luc, “and he won. We all know what happened in Nazi Germany. There hasn’t been another with that same power until now.” He shares a meaningful glance with Luc and then looks back at me. “You.”

  I look at Luc, who’s standing wide-eyed and slack-jawed, horrified.

  “Listen, here’s the deal. If they get to you,” Gabe juts his chin toward Luc, “influence you, you’re Hitler—but worse. If you stay with us, you’re Moses. Your power is only going to get stronger.” His jaw clenches and he shakes his head. “And you’re not naïve for believing people are innately good, Frannie.”

  I feel so small, my whole body collapsing down on itself as everything real, everything I’ve ever known, vanishes. Pieces of a hundred questions tease me, but I can’t put them together in a way that makes sense—except one.

  “Why now?” I hear myself whisper.

  “You’re coming into your own now. When you were young, we were able to Shield you, to keep you off their radar.” He shoots a glance at Luc. “But not anymore.”

  My voice is still a harsh whisper. It’s all I can manage. “What do you want from me?”

  He traces a finger along the collar of my shirt to my chest and taps it there, over my heart. “Just for you to follow your heart. Do what’s right.”

  I bark out a mirthless laugh that doesn’t even sound like mine. “I’m no saint.”

  “I never said you were. But, like it or not, this is what you are. Who you are. And my job is to be here for you—in any way you need me.”

  LUC

  And as he says it, I know Gabriel is right. This is what I felt in her soul. It’s why Beherit sent me out looking for her and why King Lucifer wants her so badly that he’s willing to chance breaking a rule or two.

  She looks stunned—eyes wide like a deer in the headlights. “You guys got the wrong sister. You must be mixing me up with Grace.”

  Gabriel nestles his face into her hair. “You’re already swinging the balance. You, Frannie. Not Mary or Kate or Grace or Maggie. You. If you have the power to transform Shit-for-Brains over there,” he glowers at me, “just imagine the difference you can make in the mortal realm. The difference you’ve probably already made without even knowing it.”

  My back hits the wall as if someone pushed me, and my legs won’t hold me anymore. I slide down the wall and sit on the floor.

  Sway.

  Frannie’s got Sway. And if what Gabriel just implied is true, her power has never been rivaled in a mortal. He’s saying her power is what changed me—a creature of Hell. And not just my mind, but my physical being. How is that possible? Even Moses had no influence over the celestial or infernal. And if that’s true, it’s not just the masses she can sway. She has power beyond that of even King Lucifer. She could change the shape of Heaven and Hell.

  My king’s words echo in my head. It’s my turn. This is my chance. I will be out from under Him—finally. King Lucifer thinks He can manipulate Heaven—maybe even the Almighty—through Frannie.

  “Be careful what you wish for,” she whispers, as lost in her own thoughts as I am in mine.

  There’s torment in Gabriel’s eyes as he looks into Frannie’s. “Your power is getting stronger every day. You need to see that you have pull on people’s thoughts and emotions and therefore their actions.” He glances toward me and his eyes drop to her hand, where he twines his fingers with hers. “And it’s not just people you have that effect on. You’ll always get what you want if it’s in your control.”

  Frannie pulls away from him and suddenly there’s rage. Black pepper floods the room. “I want my brother back. I don’t have that,” she spits.

  He looks at her with sad eyes. “The only one with control over that is God.”

  All I can do is watch as her expression shifts from rage through shock into panic. “This is wrong. I’m not a saint or an angel. I’m not even a good person. I’m going to Hell. I already know that.”

  Why would she think that? I look at Gabriel. His expression is pained and sickeningly sympathetic. He pulls her to his shoulder and she melts into him. When the scent of Frannie’s warm chocolate seeps through his celestial stench, I feel something cold and black wrap around my heart and squeeze. I’d kill him if I didn’t think Frannie needed him.

  “What happened—the reason you think you’re going to Hell—it wasn’t your fault,” he says into her hair.

  “You’re so full of shit,” she spits, pulling away. “I killed my brother.”

  The bottom drops out of my stomach. The boy in the picture—that explains the haunted look in her eye when I asked about him. So much pain—the same pain that was buried so deep that first day we met, when I asked what she’d like to undo.

  Gabriel is still looking at her, shaking his head. “You didn’t kill him, Frannie. It was his time. That’s all.”

  It’s like watching a volcano erupt. The words spill out of her mouth like burning lava. “Yeah. Just keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better about stealing children from their families.”

  Gabriel slides a little closer to her on the couch, but she moves away. “He is with his family. God called him home.”

  “Well, then, your God sucks.”

  I move across the room and sit next to her. I take her hand, wanting—no, needing—to do something to ease her pain.

  “I think what Gabriel said is true, Frannie. If you killed him you’d already be tagged for Hell, and you’re not.”

  “Well, I should be,” she says, pulling herself away from my touch.

  I lift her chin with my finger, staring down into her deep sapphire eyes. “No, you shouldn’t,” I say and lean in to kiss her. For only the third time, I push my power on Frannie, to draw out all her pain and her misdirected anger. It’s not nearly enough, but it’s all I know how to do.

  FRANNIE

  I hesitate, but then I look into those black eyes that can see my soul. And when his lips touch mine, I feel everything shift, and all my anger melts away. When his eyes finally release me I feel calm, the acid in my core and the ache in my heart gone.

  G
abe pulls a deep sigh and looks at me with wounded eyes, and my guilt crushes me. I need them both in ways I can’t even understand. Gabe moves across the room and sits in the chair under the window.

  I drop my head and stare into my lap.

  Luc squeezes me. “So, back to my original question. What the hell is happening to me? What exactly is it that I’m transforming into?” He glowers at Gabe. “Not one of you. Please, for the love of all things unholy, tell me I’m not going to become some goody-two-shoes angel. I couldn’t take it.”

  Gabe glowers back. “Don’t know. Anything’s possible. Let me know if you start sprouting wings.”

  I look up at Gabe. “Could he become like me? Human?”

  Luc looks at me with that same hopeful expression I saw on his face earlier. Gabe answers, resigned. “It’s possible. This is unprecedented as far as I know. I have no clue what’s happening, except it’s clearly happening and it’s just as clearly significant. And you’re the key. You’re going to change the world, Frannie. This is big.”

  “Big …” I say, trying to figure out what that means. “So, are we talking, like, ‘bringing him to Jesus’ big,” I say, waving my hand in Luc’s direction, “or ‘virgin birth’ big?”

  Luc scowls and a smile just touches the corners of Gabe’s mouth. “Based on what you’re capable of, I’d be thinking more along the lines of ‘virgin birth’ big. Although, if you could bring him to Jesus, that’d be pretty huge too.”

  Luc bolts off the couch and is across the room like a shot, eyes storming. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Don’t be such a doofus. If it wasn’t big, would He have sent me? Her name is Mary, after all. Could anyone without Sway convince the masses of a virgin birth? The second coming of Christ?” A grin far too mischievous to ever be considered angelic flits across Gabe’s face. “What’s wrong, Lucifer? You don’t want to be Joseph?”

  Luc wheels around and braces his hands on the wall, sending up a growl that curls my hair. “Unholy Hell! This can’t be happening.” Then he spins back and stares at me, eyes wide.

  I pull myself out of the couch and stand there, not sure what I’m feeling. I think about Gabe’s kiss. If that was Heaven, I want more. I remember thinking I could just live there, in that peace and love. But that’s not what he’s saying—not what he’s offering. I’m supposed to have some power, to do something with it that’s supposed to save people. And as I think about that, panic takes over, making it a little hard to breathe.