Personal Demons

by Lisa Desrochers

  I gaze into his perfect eyes and trace my finger lightly down the scar on his cheek. He closes his eyes and shudders, then sighs. I press closer into him, knowing what I want. “Do that thing again.”

  He smiles and opens his eyes, but his brow creases. “I don’t think I can.”

  I stretch up on my tiptoes, loop my arms around his neck, and pull him into a kiss. “Try,” I whisper into his lips, wanting to feel that close to him again.

  He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and leans into me, kissing me deeply. After a minute he pulls back. “I can’t. My essence is human now—a soul. It can’t leave my body while I’m alive.” But he doesn’t look disappointed. He’s smiling.

  My pulse quickens and I feel an electric tingle course through my body, waking every cell. “So … does this mean we can …”

  His eyes are deep, black pools as he stares down into mine, and I swear I can see his soul. Then they flash and he nods. He leans down to kiss me, and, as we sink into the sheets, into each other, I know this can’t be wrong.

  LUC

  I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. I kiss her and feel my new flesh-and-blood heart expanding right out of my chest, filling me with indescribable bliss.

  We can be together—really together.

  Her hands start on the button of my jeans, and I wish for the ability to just magic our clothes away.

  But that was my old life. No … not a life at all. Just an existence. I wrap my arms around Frannie and pull her closer. This is living.

  I pull back and look at her, sure I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. She closes her eyes as I trace a finger along her eyebrow and down her nose, but just as my finger reaches her lips, her eyes snap open and her features twist in pain. “NO!” she gasps, bolting upright. I feel her terror just as if it was my own.

  Her face is ashen as she rolls and vomits into the trash can next to the bed. She sits and hugs her knees to her chest. “Me …” Her whisper is barely audible.

  I pull myself up and sit next to her. “What is it? What did you see?”

  “He’s coming,” she says, her voice strangled. Then she’s off the bed like a shot, pulling on her shirt.

  “Who?” I say, struggling to keep up. I slide my feet onto the floor and button my jeans. “Who’s coming, Frannie?”

  The room starts swirling, and then Gabriel is there, all human pretense gone. He hovers just off the floor in his flowing white robes, and I see Frannie’s terror mirrored in his eyes.

  Matt appears next to him. “He’s coming.”

  And then, like a wrecking ball, some unseen force hits Frannie, lifting her off the ground and throwing her hard into the wall. Matt dives for her, but he’s too late. She slides into a heap on the floor.

  “Frannie!” My legs have me across the room and over her crumpled form in a flash, and when I pull her into my arms, I see the steam start to rise off her skin. She’s a thousand degrees. “Frannie!” I say again, shaking her. Then she opens her eyes and I understand.

  They’re glowing red.

  “Lucifer,” she says in a voice that’s hers but not, “who’s got the prize now?”

  “No!” I hear my voice as if from a great distance as rage nearly rips me in half.

  “Beherit!” Gabriel’s voice vibrates through me. “You can’t do this. You have no claim.”

  “Oh, but I can … am, actually.” Frannie’s lips pull into a sinister grin. “I’ve got special orders from the king Himself. Anything goes.”

  I hold Frannie and, as I look into those glowing eyes, I know the game is over. If King Lucifer wants her so much he’s willing to throw all the rules to the wind, I’m not sure even the Almighty could save her.

  I can’t give up.

  I look at the crucifix dangling from the chain around her neck. Gold. I yank it from her neck and raise it above her.

  But Matt grabs my wrist. He glares at me and rips the crucifix out of my grasp. And he’s right. I can use it to drive Beherit out, but at what cost?

  She starts to pull free of me, and I let her. But then, by instinct, I reach for her hand, holding it in a death grip. Frannie is still in there, and a desperate piece of me needs to stay connected. She pulls herself to her feet, seeming taller, and turns to look me in the eye.

  “How quaint, Lucifer. But you two are well past the hand-holding stage, don’t you think?” She grabs my face and pulls me into a hard kiss. But it’s not Frannie, it’s Beherit, and I feel tendrils of his essence start to work their way through my lips.

  As I pull back, she gasps loudly and her face screws tight as a strangled “no” works its way up from her depths. Gabriel sweeps her out of my arms and into his. He cradles her in one arm and draws a circle on her forehead with the index finger of the other as he whispers something I can’t make out.

  Her eyes snap open, still glowing red, and her face pulls into a grimace. “Good luck with that, Gabriel.”

  As asinine as it is, I find myself jealous that Gabriel can actually do something other than just stand here staring, and I have to fight the urge to rip her out of his arms.

  “A fighter, this one,” she says in a strained voice distinctly not hers.

  “Fight him, Frannie,” I say, reaching for her hand.

  Her face twists with effort. “I want you out.” Her voice is little more than a whisper, but it’s hers. Her body writhes in Gabriel’s arms. He lowers her to the bed, and I pull her into my arms, sending her all my strength.

  “That’s it, Frannie,” Gabriel says. “You have the power. Use it.”

  The flood of hope overwhelms me. Sway. Frannie has Sway. If she fights—if she wants it enough …

  “You don’t want to be in here.” Her voice is stronger, and when her eyes open, there’s only a glowing ring around the irises. “You don’t … want me,” she growls.

  She continues to writhe with the internal struggle for control then suddenly goes still, as if one of them has given up the fight. I gaze into her eyes, panicked nearly to the point of insanity. “Frannie?”

  Her eyes roll back for a moment, and a moan starts from deep inside her, growing in intensity. Her face becomes red and her eyes bulge. There’s a flash of red energy, and she jerks then goes limp.

  Breathing back the panic, I cradle her to my chest. “Frannie? Can you hear me?” She finally looks up at me with clear blue eyes—still scared, but lucid.

  “He’s gone,” she says with a weary smile. I take a few deep breaths to slow my hammering heart then lean down and kiss her.

  FRANNIE

  I squeeze Luc’s hand where he sits next to me as I lie on the bed.

  “You did good. Your Sway is getting stronger,” he says.

  I’m still shivering and my teeth chatter. “Why can I only remember a little of what happened?”

  “You may only remember the parts when you were in control.”

  “I feel like someone ran over me with a bus. Why didn’t it feel like this with you?”

  “Well, I didn’t pick you up and throw you into the wall, for starters,” Luc says. He and Gabe exchange a look, and Luc shoots him a vindictive smile. “But I guess it’s different when you’ve invited the demon in.”

  Matt drops into the desk chair and glares at Luc.

  Gabe looks at me with a rueful smile. I shrug, not sure what to say, but then a shiver racks me again and I feel nauseous. Out of the blue the tears start, and I’m helpless to stop them. “I’m not going to have a life, am I?” I say between the sobs.

  Luc pulls me tightly to him, but he doesn’t answer.

  Gabe stands in my door and just stares at me. “Nobody knows the future, Frannie. Everything that happens changes everything else. But the deal is, you’re valuable to both sides. The chance that you’ll be able to get through this untagged is pretty much none. And once you’re tagged—either way—you can be manipulated. I’m obviously not all that objective, but if someone was going to be jerking me around, I’d rather it wasn’t Hell.�
�

  My heart is so heavy. I know what needs to happen, what I need to do, but … “How do I forgive myself for the worst thing I’ve ever done? The worst thing anyone’s ever done?”

  “Start by remembering what really happened.” Matt glides to the foot of the bed and sits. Luc untangles himself from me and moves to the door with Gabe, giving Matt and me some space. “I fell because I was trying to climb too fast. It was my fault.”

  My throat tightens as I remember it. “No. I grabbed your ankle. I was mad, and I pulled you out of the tree.”

  “Stop it. You’ve been beating yourself up for so long. It wasn’t your fault. You need to let it go.” He wraps me in his arms, and I sit like that for what feels like forever.

  “I just wanted you back,” I finally say.

  He smiles. “You have me.”

  My heart feels so heavy. “Not really. You’re still dead.”

  “You’re right. I don’t have the life I would have had if ?I hadn’t fallen out of the tree, but that doesn’t make why I’m here any less important to me. And it doesn’t make my dying any more your fault.”

  He looks at me for a long time, and I don’t know what to say. Finally he says, “Gabriel says you need to forgive yourself, or we can’t protect you.” A smile turns the corners of his lips. “You gotta do it, Frannie. I can’t blow my first gig because of an uncooperative client. It wouldn’t bode well for the rest of eternity.”

  “I can’t—”

  His smile is gone as he cuts me off. “He says you have to figure out why you can’t let go of the guilt.”

  “Because …” I fight tears as I pull his journal from under the mattress. I think of all my conversations with Matt in this book. All the things I told him so that he could have a little piece of me—my life. How I needed to keep him alive in my heart. “I needed it to keep from forgetting. I needed to hate myself ’cause the pain kept it fresh. It kept part of you alive.”

  All of a sudden I’m sure I’m going to throw up. There’s something inside of me that my body needs to get rid of. “How do I do this? Let it go?”

  “It’s okay to feel sad about it, but you have to let go of the guilt. It has to come from inside. You need to remember what really happened.”

  I rest my forehead on my knees and close my eyes, waiting for the nausea to stop, but it only gets stronger as I relive the scene in my head. Matt climbing, his foot slipping. I screw my eyes tighter and groan as he falls. In my mind, I see my hand grab for him, but all I catch is his sneaker, and it comes off in my hand. I hear my scream as he hits the ground.

  My eyes snap open, and I roll and dry heave over the trash can. Matt’s arms are around me, and he pulls me to his shoulder, where I sit and shake.

  Finally, I lift my head and look at him, tears streaking my cheeks. “Why’d you have to fall?”

  He shrugs.

  I’m not surprised by how mad I feel, but I am surprised when I realize I’m mad at him. I push away. “You should have slowed down—been more careful.”

  He nods. “But there was nothing you could do. It was an accident.”

  I drop my face into my hands and breathe back the anger. When my shaking slows, I pick the journal up off the bed and press it to my forehead, then hold it out to him. “I did this for you … or more for me, I guess. All along, you’ve been the only person I could really talk to.”

  He takes it from my hand and smiles. “I’ve been talking back. Did you hear me? Told you to stay away from him,” he says, glancing toward Luc.

  My heart sinks. “Why do you hate Luc so much?”

  “Why? You’re kidding, right? He almost got you killed, Frannie. He’s one of them.”

  “He’s one of me,” I correct, my voice raised.

  Luc and Gabe stop whispering and look at us. Luc steps forward, concern on his face. “He’s entitled to his opinion, and he’s got good reason to think the way he does. I did almost get you killed … more than once.”

  “No. That would be me that almost got you killed,” I remind him.

  Matt looks at Luc, his expression still sour. “I hate the thought of you anywhere near her, and if you hurt her—in any way—I’ll kill you myself.”

  Luc nods, holding Matt’s eyes with his. “Duly noted.”

  Luc turns and looks hard at Gabe, and I know he’s thinking the same thing as I am. Gabe said Matt was the best angel for this job, but I’m starting to wonder.

  Matt softens his posture and leans his forehead into mine. His voice is low, meant just for me. “Frannie, I’m having a really hard time with this. Are you sure? About Luc, I mean? I just can’t make myself trust a demon, no matter what Gabriel says.”

  “I’m sure, Matt. He loves me. Can’t you just read his mind? Then you’d see.”

  “Sorry, I’m not high enough up the food chain for that particular skill. Dominions or higher.”

  “Please, just give him a chance.”

  His eyes harden again as he glances toward Luc, but then he pulls me into a hug, and I hear the smile in his voice. “You’re not gonna pull that Sway crap on me, are you?”

  I smile into his shoulder. “That depends entirely on you.”

  LUC

  I watch Frannie with Matt as I stand in the door with Gabriel, and I know this is it. Talk to me outside, I think, and he nods and slips through the door with me into the hall.

  “She’s ready,” I say.

  “Yep.”

  “Tell me you’ll take care of her. The look in Michael’s eyes …” I shudder.

  Gabriel leans into the wall. “We’ve got her backside, which is pretty nice.” He quirks a smile.

  “Can you be serious for like two minutes?”

  He scowls at me. “Fine. Stop stressing. The Almighty knows she’s special. And remember, Moses’s life didn’t suck. She’ll be fine. She’s not going anywhere.”

  “But she’s not staying with me either. I just need to know she’ll be okay before I let her go.”

  His eyes hold mine, and his jaw clenches as he contemplates that. “I’m not going to pretend that nothing’s going to change, but what happens from here is up to Frannie. You’re not a demon anymore. You’re human, with a clean soul and a completely clean slate. If Frannie still wants you,” he almost seems to choke on the words, “then there’s no reason you can’t be together.”

  And that’s the key: if she still wants me. She’ll belong to Heaven. To Gabriel. Will she still want me after? Her life will outgrow me—the tagalong, used-to-be demon. It won’t be long before she doesn’t need me or want me. I crack open the door and gaze at her. She looks so tired, but she also looks at peace, and I know it’s time.

  Gabriel pushes through the door, and I walk behind him, stopping just inside. But then Frannie holds her hand out to me, and I stride to her side, needing to feel her touch.

  “You’re ready,” I tell her, and she nods her affirmation. “Good,” I say to myself. “This is good,” I repeat a little louder—for her. Then I kiss her quickly and stand.

  I turn to Gabriel. “Okay,” I say, giving him the signal.

  He smirks. “Okay, what?”

  “Tag her. She’s ready.”

  “It was done before we walked back into the room. What’d you think, we have some big “Pomp and Circumstance” thing?”

  I glower at him. “You’re such an asshole. I thought maybe you’d give her a heads-up, that’s all.”

  “If she’s ready, why does she need a heads-up?”

  “Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” she says, glowering up at us.

  “Should I have given you a heads-up, Frannie?” Gabriel teases.

  Frannie grins. “No, but maybe Luc would have liked one.”

  I start and stare down at her. “What are you talking about?”

  Frannie’s eyes are brighter than I’ve ever seen them. “Tag—you’re it!”

  I look at Gabriel, stunned. “You’re joking.”

  He smiles and shrugs. “It was one of Fra
nnie’s conditions. Plus, you’ve impressed the right deity, though Michael was less than thrilled.”

  I try to digest what Gabriel is saying. “I’m tagged … for Heaven …” I say, trying it on.

  “Could you at least pretend to be happy about it? Otherwise, I may have to take it back.”

  I feel the grin spread across my face as Frannie reaches up for my hand. I grab it and sit down hard in the desk chair next to the bed. “Holy shit.”

  Matt cracks a dubious smile. “You can say that again. A demon tagged for Heaven… .” He shakes his head.

  “So, what’s going to happen?” Frannie asks. “I mean with my life … college and all …” her gaze shifts for an instant to me then back to Gabe, “… you guys.”

  Gabriel sits next to her on the bed and grasps her other hand, visibly struggling with what to say. But his eyes say what he can’t. I see it, clear as day, even if she doesn’t. He’d give up his wings for her. All she’d have to do is ask.

  His eyes drop from hers, but his hand grasps tighter. “What happens from here is up to you.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My most heartfelt thanks to my extremely patient husband, Steven, for providing basic life necessities and keeping us all sustained during my obsession with my imaginary friends. To my girls, Michelle and Nicole, for being a source of inspiration for everything that I do. To my parents, who, from the beginning, taught me to believe in myself. To my omnipotent überagent, Suzie Townsend, for taking that initial leap of faith, which, at the time, must have felt more like cliff diving. To my seriously cool editor, Melissa Frain, for taking something I loved and helping me make it into something other people might love too. To Eric Elfman and my Big Sur group for making me believe I don’t suck at this and giving me the confidence to put what was in my head on paper. To my fellow ladies of lit, Andrea Cremer and Stephanie Howard, for keeping me on track.

  And, because my Muse is a wannabe rock star, a special thanks to Chad Kroeger and Nickelback for “Savin’ Me,” the incredible song that inspired the character Luc, and to Isaac Slade and The Fray for writing the intense and deeply thought-provoking “You Found Me,” the inspiration for Frannie.