I walk away from Liam before I say something that I’ll regret later.
“Quinn,” I yell out. He stops and turns. He’s such a happy boy. I’m lucky to be his dad.
“I’m going back to the hotel to pack. You can stay or come with me.”
“I’ll come back with you.”
I nod and walk away from the group without saying anything. I’m tempted to look back at Katelyn, but I don’t want to see what expression she might have now. If its relief, I’d be done for. She’s my own personal rollercoaster, and right now I’m feeling a bit sick from the jerking back and forth.
Quinn and I walk back in silence. He stays right next to me as we navigate the crowds. I want to take him back to the others so he can hang out with Noah, but I am happy that he’s come with me. Sometimes I just need to spend time with my boy. He calms me. Keeps me centered and gives me something to get up for each day. Without him, I’m not sure where I’d be.
He sits down on the couch when we enter the hotel room. We don’t have much to pack - a few bathroom things - but that’s it. I needed to get away from Katelyn and her cold shoulder and Liam with his preaching. Where the hell does he get off? I’ve never been close to the player he was before he reconnected with Josie.
I sit down and pull Quinn into my arms. Sometimes I just need to hold him. One day he’s going to push me away. Not sure how I’ll react when that happens, but until then, I’m going to be a sap and enjoy every minute I can with him.
“You told Aunt Yvie about Katelyn, huh?”
He shrugs.
“You’re not in trouble.”
“Okay.”
I try not to laugh. I never want him to think he can’t talk about his feelings with Yvie, even if he’s ratting me out.
“Do you like Katelyn?” I’m curious how he feels. If he doesn’t like her, maybe I shouldn’t even pursue anything with her. I’ve never brought a woman home before, not that I’m bringing Katelyn anywhere, but clearly he sees something between us. I’ve always kept Quinn separate from my love life. I don’t want him to get attached to someone that isn’t going to stay around. Liam’s right in the aspect that I haven’t dated anyone longer than a few months because I get bored, but with Katelyn, it’s different. From the moment I saw her eyes, I knew she was the one for me, the one that is going to make my life complete. I made a change in my life because of her. I really can’t see myself doing something to screw it up.
Quinn snuggles into my shoulder more. I rest my head on top of his. “I like her a lot.”
“Yeah, me too, buddy.”
“Is she going to be my mom?”
I’m taken aback by his question. He’s never asked me about his mom and if he’s asked Yvie or my mom, they haven’t said anything. If I ever see his mother again, I don’t know what I’d do. Who drugs someone so they can get knocked up, only to abandon their child the way she did? She didn’t know jack shit about me as a person. She carried him for nine months and just left him in my living room with nothing. No clothes, food or even diapers. I had a lot of growing up to do when he arrived.
“Do you want to meet your mom? I’ll find her if you want to know who she is.”
Quinn pulls back and looks at me. “No, but Katelyn would make a good mom. When you’re working and Josie isn’t home, she makes me and Noah lunch and she cuts the crust off my sandwich, even though I don’t ask her to.”
I start laughing and ruffle his hair. “Is that what makes a good mom? What if she’s evil and makes you scrub the floor with a toothbrush?”
Quinn smiles. “I don’t think so, Dad.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “I think she’s a good mom. Noah loves her and says nice things about her and she makes you smile even when you think no one is looking. I see you smile and I like that.”
He’s right. She makes me smile. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Yes.”
“I like Katelyn, a lot, but sometimes I feel that I can’t be enough for her.”
“Why? I think you’re a great dad.”
“Quinn, you make being a dad the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but that’s not it. I don’t think she likes my tattoos and I’m very different from her husband.”
Quinn rolls his eyes. He’s far too smart for his age. “I think your tattoos tell a story, maybe she should learn to read.”
I lean back and study my son. “You’re right, maybe we can teach her.”
“I think she needs her own so she’ll like everyone else’s.” Quinn gets up and heads toward the bed and starts packing, reminding me of the fantasy I had of Katelyn with ink on her body. The thought of seeing something delicate, in a place for my eyes only, arouses me. I have to push those thoughts away. It’s never going to happen if I can’t keep her walls down for longer than a two-minute haunted house ride and some stolen kisses.
THE bus is quiet as it speeds down the highway to our next stop. Only a few more shows and we’ll be done. DeVon seems to be having fun, although confused as to why he’s not traveling with us. For one, there’s no room, and two, this is a family trip for us. Katelyn made it clear to his manager that he’d be on his own, though I do feel bad for the kid. His first time on any type of tour and only sees us during sound check. For the most part, he seems nice, just lost. I suppose that has to do with his manager being glaringly absent from the tour, which I find extremely odd.
Once again, it’s a sleepless night for me. I tried lying down, but my mind is swimming. Since we’ve returned to the bus, she’s avoided me. I don’t get it and I’m starting to get frustrated. I get the chase is supposed to be there and that I need to be patient, but is it too much to ask for a simple smile or a brief acknowledgement?
I pull the song lyrics from my pocket and unfold the scribbled out piece of paper. I hate song writing with a passion. My words don’t flow as easily as Liam’s and I’m not easily moved by situations in my life that I feel the need to jot everything down. Music – yes – I can add a beat to just about anything he throws at me, but not words.
“What’s that?”
I fold the paper haphazardly before Liam can see what it is. I clutch it in my fist and look out the window. We’ve had misunderstandings before, like the time he was with Sam. That relationship, as short as it was, screwed up the dynamic of our group. He became withdrawn and she became more of a bitch. It didn’t take long for JD and I to ditch him and just do our own thing, and at one point, I started looking for a new gig.
But this is different. He knows how I feel about Katelyn, so the outburst in the park is completely unwarranted. I’ve never been clearer about my intentions than I have with her.
“It’s nothing,” I say as I slip the paper into the pocket of my hoodie.
He sits down next to me and sighs. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“All right.”
“No, it’s not all right. I was wrong. Here I’ve been harping on Katelyn to let you in, and then I jump your shit and accuse you of trying to use her. I was wrong.” He turns and faces me, but I continue to stare out the window. “I’m scared for the both of you. I’ve only seen her love one person and you… you’re so shut off from females after Quinn that I don’t know what to expect.
“But, I see the way you look at her and that’s the way I look at Josie. Like you just know she’s supposed to be in your life. I’ve all but begged her to give you a chance – to get to know the Harrison that I know - but I’m not sure if she can.”
“I’ll wait.”
“For how long?”
“As long as it takes, I guess. I don’t know, Liam. I’m trying to be respectful and give her the space she needs. These past few days she’s acted like she wants things to progress, but then she shuts down and I’m back to the drawing board.”
I get up and start to pace as much as the bus allows. I hate talking about my feelings. If this was anyone else, I’d clam up, but I know that he has hers and my best interests at heart.
“
I want to do right by her, Liam, I do. But if she doesn’t want me, I’m not going to keep chasing her. I respect her too much to keep on forcing myself in her life if she’s not interested.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
I run my hand through my hair, pulling my hood off. “I don’t know if she does, she hasn’t asked and it’s not like I’m going to offer up my feelings on a silver platter. Rejection isn’t an emotion that I like to experience.”
Liam stands and pats me on the back. “For what it’s worth, I think she does like you, she’s just afraid to open up.” I watch as Liam disappears behind his door. He doesn’t realize how lucky he has it, knowing that there was one girl for him. I want that. The only problem is the one I want belongs to someone else, and there isn’t a single thing I can do about that.
WALKING into the greenroom, which ironically is not green, Harrison is asleep on the couch. Since being on tour, I’ve learned that he doesn’t sleep much on the bus. How he functions on very little sleep is beyond me. Although, after being on the bus and in different hotels, not only does my back hurt, but the bags under my eyes are getting harder to cover. I long for a solid night’s sleep in my own bed.
I contemplate waking him, but this is giving me an opportunity to really digest what I see. I’ve told myself over and over again that it’s the tattoos that are turning me off, but what if that’s not the case? The art on his arms is so intricate, not pieced together like Liam’s, who has what I’d call sporadic tattoos, Harrison’s tell a story. I just don’t know what that story is and as much as I want to ask, I’m afraid that he’ll take it as a sign that I’m interested.
I want a moment where I can trace the ink, discover the hidden secrets and figure out if this is what’s keeping me away, or if I’m not ready to move on, and do all this without him knowing. I don’t want to give him hope if that’s what he’s looking for. I also don’t want to be just another conquest. I’m not like the woman he picked up in the bar. If he’s looking for someone just to bed, I’m not it. I can’t be. Those days where I could be carefree ended when I committed myself to Mason at the age of fifteen. Never have I thought about being with another man until the other night, when Harrison kissed me. Never have I felt such power from another person.
I move closer, the carpet quieting my steps. His body is splayed out with his t-shirt lifted so I can see more ink on his side. As luck would have it, a skullcap covers his head similar to what Mason would wear when he’d go to the gym. I’m starting to think that he owns stock in a hat company or that something is wrong with his head and he’s hiding it. Yet, I know that’s not the case because he let that woman touch him, remove his hoodie without any reservation. When I tried, he shied away, saying he wanted me to know him.
What does that even mean?
My shins collide against the couch. I hold my breath, waiting for him to move, waiting for his eyes to open and find me staring at him like a stalker. My eyes appraise him. His dark stubble from a few days’ growth mocks me, as if it knows that this is one of my favorite things about a man. I allow myself to take in his form. His stomach shows the dark swath of hair, leading to a place I should never think about because he’s not my husband, but I can’t help it. He intrigues me, even though I’m not willing to admit these feelings out loud. Can I go the rest of my life being this way, not willing to let another man in? Is this what Mason would want for me? Josie and Liam are insistent that Mason would be okay with Harrison, but how do they do know? Is this something Liam and Mason discussed before he was taken from our lives? Mason and I never discussed whether we should find happiness with someone else if one of us was to die early. What if it was me, would Mason move on a year after I left this world?
I’d want him to. My girls need a mom, so why is it okay for me to accept that Mason would move on, but not myself?
Harrison shifts slightly and before I can move, his hip bumps my leg. His eyes open cautiously, probably wondering what he just hit. I take a step back and start to stumble. He reaches out and grabs my arm to steady me, keeping me from falling on my ass. His hand slides down my arm until his fingers are linked with mine. He pulls me forward until my knees hit the couch, but that’s not close enough for him or for me.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel out of control, as if someone else is making my body move. I lean forward and trail my fingers down his arm, over the ink. It’s the first time I’ve touched a tattoo and I expected his skin to be raised, not smooth. Harrison watches my every move without saying a word. His skin pebbles as I move up and down his arm, as does mine. He’s not even touching me and I feel excitement. When I look at him, his eyes are steady on mine. A smile plays at my lips and I hate it. I hate that he can do this to me when it shouldn’t be like this.
He sits up, his hand cupping my face. I lean in as if it’s automatic for me to do something like this. His thumb glides gently over my cheekbone, his fingers threading into my hair. I look at him and know what’s coming next and I’m so powerless to stop it, because as much as my heart doesn’t want to kiss him, my body wants him.
He bites my bottom lip, bringing me to his mouth. I sigh, urging him on. My hand cups his cheek, my fingers pushing under the hat he’s wearing, feeling his short hair against the pads of my fingertips. He pulls me closer, our chests touching. Everything in my heart is telling me to stop, that this isn’t right, but my body is telling him yes, I want this.
Harrison wraps his arm around my waist, leaving no space between our bodies. He moves me so I’m sitting on his lap. My hand roams down his chest, my fingers finding their way under his shirt. His breathing hitches when I touch him. He places kisses along my jaw, nibbling my neck as my hand explores his chest. The soft kisses and dangerous bites he’s giving me drive me crazy. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t feel like this in another man’s arms.
But I do feel like this and I can’t help but want more. Crave more.
“Harrison,” I say, barely above a whisper.
He pulls away, resting his forehead against mine. Our breathing is heavy with anticipation. It could be so easy to fall into his arms and forget the heartache I’ve been dealing with, but I can’t, in good conscience enter into a relationship with him.
“Please don’t tell me to stop, Katelyn. I can’t. I can feel that you want this as much as I do.”
I shake my head without breaking our contact. Why doesn’t he understand that I can’t be anything more to him? I need to remove myself from the situation. Keep things professional between us.
The ringing of his cell phone causes me to pull away. I move, keeping one of the couch cushions between us. He pulls out his cell phone, only breaking eye contact when he looks the screen. He silences it and looks back at me.
“We need to talk.”
“Why?” he asks.
“Because this can’t happen between us.”
Harrison leans his arms on his knees and sighs. “So you’ve said, yet you’re the one in here watching me while I sleep, touching me and encouraging me to pursue this with you. You got jealous when I left the bar the other night with a woman. You acted like we were something at the park. I don’t get you at all.”
His cell phone rings again, before I can respond. He silences it.
“I want to get you, Katelyn. I want to understand what goes on in your head and be there when you need someone. I can be that person for you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I do.” He gets up and starts to pace, only to be stopped by his cell phone again.
“Shouldn’t you answer that, it must be important?”
“No I shouldn’t and it’s not important. You’re important. You’re what matters right now,” he says as he drops to his knees in front of me.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t.”
“Is there a difference?” I ask.
“Can’t means there’s something physically holding you back from me and I know that’s not true
. I can feel it when you kiss me and just now, the way you were touching me, exploring with your hands.
“Won’t means you won’t give in to temptation, but we already know that’s not true. You’ve let me kiss you. You’ve let me hold you against my body. Neither of these are valid reasons.
“I know you’ve lost your husband. I know every day is a battle for you because you miss him. I’m not trying to take his place with you or the twins. I just want to fit into your life.”
“You make everything sound so easy.” Harrison pulls my hand into his.
“It is,” he says with such confidence.
“It’s not.”
“Only because you don’t allow it.”
“Our lifestyles are different. I’m a mom of two who needs to be home at all times. You’re a drummer in a band who leaves all the time and spends months on the road. You have all these women throwing themselves at you, and I wouldn’t be able to trust the situation. I’ve seen it first hand. I don’t know how Josie does it, but I wouldn’t be able to. We’re too different.”
“Different is good.”
“No, different causes problems. There are expectations that have to be followed.”
“Expectations?” he questions, raising his eyebrow.
Harrison stands in front of me making me look up at him. “People have expectations of me,” I say quietly.
He leans over me, one arm resting on the arm of the couch. “You give a shit about what people think?”
My throat constricts because I hate that I do care about what people think. I nod and break eye contact because I don’t think I can take the look he’ll give me.
“That’s such bullshit. You won’t be with me because you’re worried about what people will think? What if they think ‘wow look at Katelyn, she’s found someone to love her and the girls, or is that not good enough for you?”
I look at him when he says love. He’s got to be joking. No one can love a widow with two kids. “Love?” I question, wanting to know his answer.
“Yeah, love. I can see myself falling in love with you and as much as I’m trying not to, it’s not working.” He says quietly. He sits down next to me and leans back into the couch. “I don’t know what else to say. I shouldn’t have to sell myself to you. You either like me or you don’t. Thing is, you can’t lie, I know you feel something, you just have to let yourself believe I’m good enough to be a part of your life.”
My Unexpected Forever Page 9