Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  I’M SO SORRY! FORGOT TO TURN MY PHONE ON AFTER I GOT OFF THE PLANE. JUST GETTING ALL OF YOUR MESSAGES NOW. I’VE BEEN A LITTLE PRE-OCCUPIED. YOU KNOW I HATE TO FLY AND WELL…MAX. YEAH. IT SUCKS. LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THIS AFTERNOON.

  Mom comes into my room then with a glass of water and the stupid damned Xanax. I sigh, barely manage to avoid rolling my eyes and take the drug from her. I open wide after I swallow. She kisses the top of my head and leaves me alone.

  The afternoon drags. Looking forward to Sherrie’s visit is the only thing that keeps me from just taking a nap. When she finally arrives my parents let us hang in my room but again we have to keep the door open. She kisses me a few times but she can tell I’m just not into it today.

  “Noah, are you mad at me?”

  “Why would I be mad? I haven’t seen you since before Thanksgiving. I’m just tired and upset about Max and just out of sorts. It’s not you, really,” I say and I kiss her to prove this to her.

  “You’ve been out sick a lot lately. Is everything okay?” Of course I lie to her, what choice do I have?

  “I’m fine. I’m just worried about how I’m going to get all of this homework done,” I say. I suggest we go to the dining room where there’s more room so we can start homework and Sherrie reluctantly agrees. She stays until just before dinner then leaves after she kisses me goodbye. I try to make that kiss mean more than it does but it’s useless.

  As much as I like her she just doesn’t give me butterflies. Maybe the butterflies aren’t even real. Maybe they’re something Max made up, knowing that I’d never kissed anyone. Maybe I just think I feel something when he kisses me because he’s the one that planted that suggestion in my head? Mom makes me take another dose of meds before bed. This is going to get old fast.

  December

  My parents make good on the agreement that I can go back to school. Mom makes me take a dose before breakfast and she also informs me that the school nurse has been notified that I’m to report before lunch to get a second dose. If I don’t show up for meds my mom is getting a call and then she will tell them to pull me out of my next class to take them. I don’t have much of a choice in the matter.

  We got to school a little early so Sherrie isn’t at her locker yet. I’m making my way from my locker to homeroom when I come face to face with Tabitha. I haven’t talked to her in weeks, since even before Max…

  “You saw him,” she isn’t asking a question. She’s also not being mean although she is abrupt and that’s a bit disconcerting. I nod.

  “Uh, yeah on Monday,” I answer.

  “And?” she demands. I shrug.

  “Not much to say,” I tell her. “I mean, you know.” She nods and her lip trembles. “Um, maybe if you asked his dad…I mean, well, they let me in right?” She shakes her head emphatically.

  “I don’t want to see him like that. I don’t think I could take seeing him like that…especially if,” she sniffs and wipes her eyes and tries to be cool. “I’d rather not remember him that way.” I nod because I’d rather not remember either.

  “Why did you go?” she asks when she’s a little more composed. I shrug again, my go to gesture when I’m uncomfortable.

  “I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. I mean, I wanted to call him as soon as I got home from Illinois but then…”

  “Why bother? It’s not like he heard you.” I shrug again.

  “I had to. I hope he heard me. The nurse said maybe he could hear me. I hope I can tell him again when I’m sure he can hear me. I just had to do it for me, whether he knows or not.”

  “You think he’ll wake up?” I can’t believe she has the guts to even say this out loud. I mean, I can’t give voice to my biggest fears like that. Not that easily. I sigh. This whole conversation is exhausting. Maybe that’s just the Xanax making me drowsy.

  “I hope so. I mean, he has to, right?” We’re at my homeroom now. As I turn to go in she grabs my elbow to stop me.

  “You don’t deserve him, you know?” She says it very quietly. I nod.

  “I know,” and I turn into the room and leave Tabitha behind in the hallway.

  I suddenly realize something that I never quite understood before now. When Tabitha kissed me, when Max was so upset about it, I’m thinking maybe now I understand. He wasn’t mad at her for kissing someone. I realize he was angry at her for kissing ME. I’m the one he talked to her about? Somehow that realization doesn’t freak me out like it would have just a week or two ago.

  When Sherrie gets to homeroom she immediately gives me a hug startling me from my thoughts. “I’ve missed you,” she whispers in my ear.

  “Missed you too,” I say because I know it’s what she wants to hear. Did I miss her though? I don’t think so. I mean, I didn’t even think to call her until I turned on my phone and saw all of her missed calls and messages and texts. I’m just so tired and confused and the Xanax is making me fuzzy. I make a pillow of my arms and rest my head on my desk. Sherrie sits next to me and rubs my back until the bell for homeroom rings.

  “Are you okay, Noah?” she asks, voice full of concern. I attempt a shrug.

  “Just, you know, thinking about Max. It’s just making me sad,” I say. Is it more than that though? No, it can’t be because Dr. Cooper and my parents aren’t right. I’m fine.

  I drift through my morning. In calculus I can’t keep my eyes from straying to Max’s empty desk. I can’t stop thinking of those three weeks I can’t get back no matter how hard I wish. In chemistry Mr. Greene offers to let me join another partnership but I tell him I prefer to work alone. Max is going to need a lab partner when he gets back so what is the point of me joining another group? Because he IS coming back, he has to. I take notes diligently.

  I stop at the nurse’s office on my way to lunch like I’ve been commanded. I swallow the drugs and open wide but the nurse isn’t satisfied with that and makes me prove that I’m not hiding anything under my tongue. It makes me feel like a criminal or something. I want to glare at her or leave with some sarcastic comment but I just don’t have the energy or desire. That’s thanks to the drugs. I’m sleepy, have zero appetite and everything is just numb. I think I remember that it eventually evens out but I’m not sure if that’s a real memory or just wishful thinking. It’s been too long.

  When I finally get to lunch Sherrie is concerned because I’m late, I’m not eating and I’m not really present. “Noah, seriously, you need to snap out of it,” she says.

  “Like it’s that simple?” I say with a little more anger in my voice than I had planned. She seems to be taken aback.

  “I’m just saying, you aren’t acting like yourself. I know you’re upset about Maxwell but there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not like you were friends anymore anyway.” She rubs my back as she says this as if that small gesture of comfort makes up for what she’s said. I shake my head.

  “Can’t you see that just makes it worse?”

  “Come over to my house after school,” she suggests. “My mom won’t be home until at least five and my dad comes home at six. Come home with me on my bus and then I’ll drive you to your place when Mom gets home. PLEASE say yes, Noah. I really missed you while you were away and I just want to spend some time with you.” My initial reaction is to say no emphatically but she’s looking at me with this pleading look in her eyes and I have been rather dismissive of her lately.

  “I’ll have to check in with my parents and make sure it’s okay,” I begrudgingly tell her. Won’t Dr. Cooper be excited to know I finally rode the bus? I’m sure he’ll give all the credit to the drugs. I text Mom and tell her the plan. It doesn’t take her long to get back to me. She asks if I’m sure about this. I tell her I’m riding the Xanax train so the bus isn’t scary at all. She gives her permission but tells me to text her right away if I need a ride. She doesn’t think I’ll go through with it.

  “Okay, cleared it with my mom,” I tell Sherrie. She gives me a quick peck on the cheek then joins the conversation tw
o of her friends are having next to her. I sink back into myself for the rest of lunch period.

  Sherrie and I walk to computer science together holding hands as usual. She chatters on about her Thanksgiving weekend while I just zone. I’ve learned that Sherrie doesn’t need much out of me conversationally. She can keep up a conversation almost completely on her own. It’s how I get through phone calls.

  She’ll call me in the evening after dinner if we don’t hang out after school and she’ll want to chat. How can she have anything left to say after we’ve spent the majority of our day together? I know I never have anything to say. I usually spend these calls agreeing with her or trying to ask questions while I’m actually doing my homework. The smallest verbal mutterings on my part are enough to make her think I’m interested in the conversation.

  I guess I’m not being fair. One of the first things I really liked about Sherrie is that she doesn’t require me to talk a lot. Well, that is until we get to our computer science class. Somehow she’s managed to totally screw something up on her computer and I spend most of my class time helping her retrieve what she’s lost and I explain to her what she did wrong and how to fix it herself next time.

  At the end of the day I meet Sherrie at our lockers and it’s clutch time. I’m going to actually get on the bus. I try to examine what exactly about the bus freaks me out so much. I can’t come up with anything concrete. Maybe it’s similar to my fear of flying. I don’t know, being stuck in a big yellow box with no seatbelts and at least twenty kids distracting the driver just seems ridiculously dangerous and reckless. I hold back and make Sherrie wait with me on the sidewalk until the last minute.

  “Come on, Noah, I’m cold!” she pleads. I open my coat and pull her arms inside and hug her close. I kiss her and rub my hands up and down her back.

  “I can keep you warm. How is that?” I say. She giggles and presses tighter against me. Finally there’s no delaying it and we have to get on the bus.

  It’s almost exactly like I pictured it in my head. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never seen a picture of a school bus or a scene in a movie or anything like that. Most of Jeeper Creepers 2 took place on a bus (terrible example of a horror movie). The seats are cold and stiff. It smells odd. Kids are yelling and tossing paper around and I just huddle against the side of the bus and rest my head against the window. Sherrie just chalks it up to my mood that has persisted all day.

  What I’m really doing as I sit with my eyes closed is running through my breathing exercises. Deep breath in, hold for a few seconds, long slow exhale out, it’s that simple. In through the nose, out through the mouth, I can do this. I start the mental exercises while I breathe. If I don’t let it escalate it won’t be so bad. I’m the one that gives life to the fear. The fear comes from me not from some outside force. My breathing becomes more erratic. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. I repeat my silent mantra until the bus starts moving.

  I’m huddled in my coat leaning against the side of the bus and I’m sure to any onlookers, including Sherrie, I simply look asleep. I’m anything but calm though. If I don’t get off of this bus soon I’m going to scream. Every time the bus stops to let off passengers I feel like I want to go up front and stomp on the gas pedal. Why does it take them so long to get off this damned thing? When it’s my turn to depart I’m going to run down the aisle and throw myself down the steps to freedom! I think I now know exactly how Max felt every time the Ferris wheel stopped to let people on or off.

  We finally get to Sherrie’s stop and why is she just standing there?! She’s being too nice letting other people go past her. I want her to just shove into the aisle so we can get out of here now. Eventually it’s our turn to go and as soon as we’re off the bus I take a deep breath of cold air. Sherrie lives on the outskirts of the far side of town from the school. It was a long ride. I can’t really hide the shaking that is the result of that torture but I play it off as shivering. At least I can now tell Dr. Cooper I’ve ridden the damned bus.

  “Let’s get our homework set up in the kitchen then I’ll show you around,” Sherrie says. The house is bigger than Gran’s (why do I still think of it is Gran’s instead of ours?) but smaller than the Maxwell’s. The first floor is pretty basic, dining room, living room, kitchen, powder room and home office. Sherrie takes me upstairs. She points out the upstairs bathroom (like I’m going to need it when there’s a powder room downstairs?) and her sister’s room.

  “Julie is in college this year. She’s at IUP now,” she explains. Did I even know she had a sister? “This is me,” she continues as she takes me by the hand and leads me into the last bedroom on the right.

  It’s an incredibly girlie room but it’s just so Sherrie. It’s all white and pale purple and pale green with lace and lots of pillows on the bed. She actually has a small chandelier for lighting. Her desk is basic and white and the desk chair is pale green with a purple cushion. The room is so sweet I swear I can smell flowers.

  I’m thinking the tour is over and we’re going to start on our homework now but Sherrie has other ideas. She’s still holding my hand and she uses her grip to pull me closer and then we’re kissing. She seemed a little shy in the beginning of whatever it is this relationship is called but after almost a month of dating she’s gotten some confidence.

  As she kisses me she lets go of my hand and puts both of hers on my shoulders. Mine as usual are hanging uselessly until she moves in closer and then they finally find her waist. We’re pressed front to front and I’m bending down to kiss her and she’s on tip toes. I think it’s a design flaw in the way humans are made that makes guys so much taller than girls that we’re always bending over. Why can’t things be a little more equal? I’m getting a crink in my neck.

  She’s more aggressive than usual. Maybe it’s because she’s getting a little more confident in the relationship or maybe it’s because we’re in the house alone, in her bedroom. She presses her hands on my shoulders and soon we’re sitting on her bed. At least now my neck isn’t straining. Her hands move and soon she’s touching as much as she’s kissing, arms, chest, up and down my back and back to my front. I reciprocate tentatively. I still don’t really know what to do in these situations. I hate being so inexperienced and inept and nothing ever comes naturally.

  I have no idea how much time has passed. When did she say her mom was coming home? I do NOT want to get caught in my girlfriend’s bedroom. Now Sherrie is lying back and scooting up the bed and she pulls at one arm to bring me with her. I’m propped on one elbow lying next to her, kissing with one hand on her stomach.

  With no warning, she half sits up and grabs the hem of her shirt and it’s over her head before I know what’s happening. Her bra is light blue lace. She lies back again and takes one of my hands and guides it to her breast before starting to kiss me again. I move from her mouth to her neck and eventually after a lot of hesitation I’m kissing the soft area between her breasts. We’ve never been HERE before.

  She’s panting a little now and has her fingers wrapped in my hair. I let my free hand trail down her front as I continue to kiss her soft skin. I stop the movement of my hand when I get to the waist of her jeans. She doesn’t give me any clues if she wants me to go further or if I should stop so I err on the side of caution and stop. I move my hand slightly upward until it’s resting on her stomach.

  She’s a thin girl but she has just a little extra flesh over her stomach, a little pot belly almost that fits right in the palm of my hand. She moves my hand to her waist then she puts a hand on my shoulder and pushes until I’m the one lying on the bed and she’s leaning over me. Now she’s kissing my chest and moves further down my front. When did she get my shirt unbuttoned? She doesn’t move down any further than the waistband of my jeans but she lingers there, kissing right along the edge of my jeans across my stomach, lingering over my hipbones. Now I’m the one panting.

  She grabs the waist of my jeans and pulls down exposing more skin and I have to fist my hands in the bed
spread. She gives no warning before she moves her hand and she’s grabbing me through the denim and my hips rise up to meet her hand. I groan because it feels good and yet the anxiety is starting to build. We’ve never gone this far. I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea what to expect. I don’t know what SHE expects. She keeps her hand on me but moves so that she can whisper in my ear.

  “Noah? I want you to be my first,” she whispers. Any excitement I was feeling just goes away with those words. I mean, what? Right now? I immediately go still. I think I might gasp. She knows something is wrong at any rate.

  “I don’t mean right now!” she tries to giggle but it sounds a little nervous. “I mean, I’m not quite ready and I don’t HAVE anything and I mean maybe you do but not today, okay?” I nod. Definitely not today. I sit up and start buttoning my shirt. “Oh crap, I just ruined everything didn’t I?” she says quietly and I can hear the anguish in her voice. I shake my head. My fingers are shaking as I try to button my shirt.

  “You didn’t ruin anything it’s just…I mean, I’m not ready either. But, uh, I never actually even kissed before September and…” I let the sentence trail off. I don’t know how to explain this to her. I just feel like taking that step, it would mean something right? “I guess I just thought, you know, shouldn’t we, um…shouldn’t we be in love first?”

  Could I sound any more pathetic? When a sixteen-year-old guy’s hot girlfriend tells him she wants to lose her virginity to him shouldn’t his reaction be YES!? Shouldn’t I be excited by the prospect, impatient and trying to talk her into being ready now? Instead I feel a little terrified and…wrong.

  I like Sherrie a lot. I don’t love her. I realize for the first time that I don’t really think I’ll ever love her. How do I tell her that? Should I even be worried about that? I should just do it and get it over with, kinda like when I got kissed by Holly. Just get it done and put it behind me. All of these thoughts have gone through my mind in seconds.