Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  “Is that all there is? I mean, I like you SO much, Noah, but you seem to be pulling away and I don’t know what to think of that.”

  “I’m not pulling away. I don’t think I’m doing that. I just think I want to, um, need to slow this down.” My face is on fire. She breathes in a hitching breath.

  “Slow down? We’re barely moving at all now,” she’s got tears in her voice.

  “I think it just moved too fast, you know? I mean, one day we were friends and then we went out on one date and the next thing you know we’re a couple and you’re talking about sex and love and it’s too much too fast. I can’t just MAKE myself fall in love according to some time schedule.” I’ve said more than I wanted to say. I just wanted to be honest but I can tell I’ve hurt her. I’m starting to feel shaking inside. It’s not panic yet. It’s not even anxiety but I’m definitely losing my balance.

  “If a relationship isn’t going forward it’s going backwards,” she says. What stupid men are from mars and women are just plain out there book did she get that from?

  “That’s not even close to true,” I argue. Why? Why, why, why, why did I ever kiss her? She was my FRIEND. We liked each other and now she’s just going to hate me instead.

  “Noah, where do you see this going?” she says it so quietly I’m not even sure I heard her properly.

  “Going? Um, we’re in high school and people date in high school and then I don’t know! I mean, I’m not even going to BE here in a few months.” She’s going to hate me. I’m going to be ostracized by all of her friends. I’m going to have to see her every day at my locker and in homeroom and computer science and she’s going to hate me. Why did I think being normal would be so great? I just want to go back to Illinois right now. Yes, I know, I’ve progressed from concern to worry to anxiety incredibly quickly again.

  Sherrie gets out of the back seat and back in the driver’s seat, slamming both doors as she does so. I’m almost afraid to get out of the car to get back in the front seat. I mean, what if as soon as I’m out of the car she just takes off on me? I sit where I am.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” I say softly. “I just want to be honest.”

  “I think I should just take you home,” she says. I shrug into my coat and get back in the front seat. She doesn’t leave without me.

  “Can we just…”I start but she cuts me off immediately.

  “I really like you, Noah. I think I like you a lot more than you like me. I think I could very easily fall in love with you. If you’re not there, if you’re not sure what you want…I think we should just keep some distance for now.”

  “What do you mean, distance?” I ask.

  “It’s always a challenge when you try to change friendship into a relationship,” she says. How did she get so wise? “You have to be willing to risk losing both….” She looks at me and sighs. “I don’t ever want to NOT be your friend and I think if this keeps on, well I just don’t think any good will come of it. I think maybe one or both of us will get hurt. I think if I don’t step back now…I might just end up hating you, Noah.” Hearing her say that shocks me. I think I gasp.

  “You hate me?”

  “No! I don’t hate you. I don’t ever want to hate you. But if I fall in love with you and you’re still…indifferent…I can see myself resenting you and maybe even hating you. I don’t want that.” She looks at me and there are tears in her eyes but she’s holding strong and they don’t fall.

  “I never meant for this to happen,” I say honestly. “I didn’t think…”I don’t know what to say. That pretty much sums it up perfectly. I didn’t think. I was confused and vulnerable and she was there and it was easy and…Dammit! Max was right. I used her. I feel like shit. I hate myself enough for both of us. “I’m so sorry,” I say and I think I might be even closer to crying than she is.

  “I know you are.” She puts the car in gear and backs out of the space we were parked in and starts to drive.

  “So what happens now?” I ask meekly. I am really over my head on this one. I’m so far beyond my comfort zone that I can’t even think about Monday when I see her at school. She shrugs.

  “I think I need some space. Just give me some time and things will feel normal again. I won’t stop being your friend, Noah. I just need a little distance.” I nod. I look out of the window so she can’t see how I have to keep blinking to keep from crying. I’m being more of a girl than she is. I’m pathetic.

  The ride home feels so long and yet it’s incredibly early when we pull into my driveway. I don’t get out of the car immediately. I feel like there should be more to say. Should there be more to say? I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. She leans over and kisses me which I totally didn’t expect.

  “It will be okay, I promise,” she says. “We’ll figure out how to be friends again.” I nod. I don’t trust myself to speak. All of this, this was my fault. I started this. I can tell by the look on her face that she’s hurt and I did that. “Goodnight, Noah,” she says and that’s my cue to get out of the car. I stand in the driveway and watch her pull out and head down the street. I continue to stand in the driveway watching my breath crystalize until I’m too cold and I’m forced to go inside.

  “Noah? What happened? Why are you home so early?” Mom is all over me the minute I walk in the door. She must have heard Sherrie’s car in the driveway and was waiting this whole time for me to come inside.

  “Uh, I guess we broke up,” I tell her.

  “You broke up? What happened?” Mom says, pulling me into a hug. I shrug.

  “I guess we decided we’re just better off as friends. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. I’m okay,” I try to convince myself as much as Mom.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Mom isn’t quite ready to let this go because of course I’m so ‘fragile’.

  “I’m fine. I mean, it couldn’t have lasted anyway, right? We’ll be moving back to Illinois and then I’ll never see her again. It’s better that it happened this way.” I extricate myself from Mom’s embrace and head towards my room.

  “I’m just going to go to bed,” I sigh.

  “It’s only nine o’clock,” Mom says and I can hear that concern in her voice.

  “Yeah, I’ll probably read for a while.” I shuffle off to my room. I put on pajamas and climb into bed with a book. I don’t feel like reading but I don’t want the parental worry that going to bed at nine on a weekend will cause. A normal kid can go to bed at nine after a breakup and his parents will leave him alone to get over it.

  I’m not a normal kid. They’re never going to see me that way and they’ll always second guess everything I do. Noah slept in today. Is he depressed? Noah didn’t feel like getting dressed today, is he having a bad spell? Noah can’t eat, is he spiraling into anxiety? It’s so tiring. I probably won’t sleep though. I’m going to be thinking about Sherrie and how craptastic I feel about the whole thing.

  “You’re using her and I wouldn’t have thought you could be so mean and self-centered,” is what Max had said and I thought he was just lashing out but he was right. I’ve never felt so worthless in my life. I have no redeeming qualities. Sometimes I really wonder why I was ever born.

  I force myself out of bed on Sunday after another miserable night of very little sleep. After checking in with the parents and letting them know where I’m going and how long I’ll be I run. I was going to do seven miles today but I don’t want to have to think or feel or do anything except move so I actually run for eight miles. At least that’s what the pedometer attached to my sneaker tells me.

  Mom makes an impossibly huge breakfast for me after I shower and change. Seriously, there is enough food to feed a family of four. Of course I can’t even put a dent in it. I mean, lack of appetite notwithstanding there’s the fact that she must have made like a dozen eggs and who eats FOUR pieces of toast in one sitting? She’s not happy when more than half of it goes down the disposal.

  “Noah, we don’t waste food in this house,” s
he reprimands me.

  “Then don’t make enough food to feed an entire family,” I counter.

  “Oh don’t exaggerate. It was four eggs and a few slices of toast. You’re a growing boy and you run a lot. You need fuel.”

  “I’m a growing boy whose appetite has been crushed by Xanax. You can have one or the other, Mom. I can be on the drugs or I can eat. Take your pick.” I go to my room as she continues to mutter things like argumentative and willful. I pretty much read for the rest of the day, coming out of my room only to eat lunch and dinner (amid comments of “you’ve barely touched your meal” and “there are homeless people that would enjoy that”). Eventually it’s late enough to go to bed without my parents questioning me. Of course I don’t actually sleep. I’m beginning to forget what real sleep feels like.

  ****

  On Monday morning I get to homeroom before Sherrie does. I’m nervous about seeing her but when she comes in she just gives me a slight smile then takes her seat. We don’t walk to class together but it’s not too uncomfortable seeing her. I wonder how long it will be before we can just hang out again.

  I feel lonely for the first time since I started public school. All of the friends I’ve made since September have been Max’s friends or Sherrie’s friends. I don’t feel like I fit in with any of them anymore. At lunch time I go to the nurse for meds then I sneak into the auditorium. It’s been a long time since I spent a lunch period in here but it’s not like I’m going to eat lunch anyway.

  I’m approached by Darcy in sociology. “So, you and Carlisle broke up?” is her opening line. I know Lansing High is a small school but does news really travel that fast? I mean, I haven’t told anyone. Who am I going to tell? I realize then that I didn’t talk to one other person the entire day. Even in computer science Sherrie and I were able to avoid each other because there are not assigned seats in that classroom. I just shrug and nod in response to Darcy.

  “You know you won’t have to stay single for long if you don’t want to,” she says. I know she’s just giving me a pep talk but I don’t really need one. Pep talks don’t really work with me anyway.

  “I think I’d rather be single,” I say. “It’s just so much easier.”

  “Now you’re talking. Playing the field is so much more fun,” she winks. I give a half-hearted laugh and then I’m saved by further conversation when class starts.

  “Longest day of my life,” I tell Mom as I get in the car at the end of the day. I put my head back and close my eyes. When was the last time I slept for more than two hours?

  “Why is that?” Mom asks somewhat absently. As usual she’s busy navigating the traffic in the school parking lot. It shouldn’t be so difficult because there are so few students and even less who drive but it seems that there’s an every man for himself attitude happening and it causes backups.

  “It was just hard, you know. I used to spend so much time with Sherrie that today without her I was just kinda lost I guess. I’ll figure it out though.”

  “You’ve learned a difficult but important lesson,” Mom says. “You shouldn’t rely on one person for your own happiness.”

  “It’s not that really. It’s just that everyone knows everyone and I feel like I don’t have any friends now because of course everyone is going to be on Sherrie’s side. I mean, they know her better and they’ve known her longer.”

  “Is that how it really is or is that how you imagine it is? Are people REALLY taking sides or are you projecting?” Mom asks. Maybe SHE should be a shrink. I just shrug and close my eyes. It feels like seconds later that Mom is shaking me awake. We’re home. Why couldn’t she just let me sleep in the driveway for a few hours?

  I change into running clothes, check in with the parents, prove that I have my phone then head out for a short run. It will be dark before I get back home so I don’t plan to go very far. I’m about a mile into the run when I feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I know that if I don’t answer it immediately my parents will freak.

  “I said I’d be home in an hour,” I pant as I slow to a walk.

  “Well this is the first I’m hearing it,” Max chuckles. I didn’t even look to see who was calling before I answered. If I had I wouldn’t have known who it was anyway because I’m sure he’s not on his cell in the hospital.

  “Hey! How are you?” I say with a little too much enthusiasm.

  “Not so bad actually,” he says. “I’m done with the breathing treatments and my lungs are more or less clear. They tell me they’re springing me tomorrow.” I don’t know why this good news makes my throat tighten but it does.

  “That’s awesome,” I say when I can trust my voice. “When will you be back in school?”

  “They’re not sure yet. It will be at least a few days. I’ll need the time to start getting caught up anyway.”

  “I can help with that,” I offer.

  “Okay, it needs to be said. You sound worse than me, Noah,” he laughs and I realize I’m still breathing heavy. I laugh too.

  “I was running when the phone rang. I’m just catching my breath. It’s hard to do when it’s this cold!” Max makes a sound of disgust.

  “Freaking winter, worst idea ever. Whose idea was this cold shit anyway?”

  “Uh, religious people would probably say God. Scientific thinkers probably have a more rational explanation for it…something about the Earth’s distance from the sun or some gobbledygook.”

  “I’ll let you get back to your run. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be home soon. You know, if you wanted to hang out or talk or school me on some horror movies or whatever. I have a feeling I’m going to be pretty bored for a few days until they let me go back to school.”

  “Somehow I think you’ll have plenty of visitors,” I say.

  “This is true. I AM irresistible,” he laughs. “You’ll come though, right?” he adds more seriously and I think it’s the first time he’s ever sounded less than completely confident.

  “Of course I will. See you soon.”

  “Bye, Noah.” I slip the phone back into my pocket and head for home.

  The next day things at school are sort of weird. It’s almost like I’m the new kid all over again. I was starting to slide into familiarity if not anonymity but now I have people I’ve never talked to before approaching me. Oh yeah, and they’re all girls. I guess Darcy was right about something.

  Even though my popularity seems to have grown overnight as the word of Sherrie and my breakup spreads I still pretty much keep to myself. After the nurse’s office and the daily meds I again slip into the auditorium. Today I brought water and granola bars again but I don’t need the granola because of course I’m not hungry.

  Once again I fall asleep in the car on the way home. There’s just something about the car that makes me fall asleep when I can’t seem to manage that in my own bed at night. I wish Mom would just keep driving until I feel well rested again. When she wakes me in the driveway again, Mom doesn’t automatically get out of the car.

  “Noah, are you not sleeping again?” she asks with concern in her voice. I shrug.

  “What makes you ask that?” I answer her question with a question.

  “Well first and most obvious, you fall asleep in the car on the way home from school every day. I’m your mother, Noah. I know you better than anyone. You’re tired and it shows.” Again I shrug.

  “I slept last night,” I assure her and it’s true. I did sleep. I just didn’t sleep for more than a few hours. This insomnia is becoming a pain in my ass. Eventually I’ll just have to get so tired that I’ll sleep, right?

  “Is Max home yet?” I ask because of course it hasn’t left my mind all day that he’s supposed to be home today.

  “Yes, I spoke with Lydia earlier and no. Before you even ask you are not going over there today. He’s tired and he needs some time with his family,” Mom informs me.

  “I wasn’t going to ask. I have a lot of homework anyway,” It’s a lie but she doesn’t need to know
that. I’m suddenly a little shy about going to the Maxwell’s.

  It’s the same old thing as the night before and the night before that. I take my Xanax. I pick at dinner. My parents question me. I give vague answers. I do homework. I go to bed. I don’t sleep.

  Wednesday is the day I have to see Dr. Cooper right after school. It will be the first appointment with him since we made our deals last week. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m preoccupied with that as I dig through my locker in the morning. When Tabitha appears next to me suddenly I’m startled.

  “You’re coming to lunch today,” she tells me.

  “What?” Where the Hell is my calculus book?

  “I saw Max last night and he asked about you. I told him I haven’t seen you at lunch all week. He said I’m supposed to make sure you come to lunch today.” That would explain the huge smile on her face. Why am I jealous that she saw him and I haven’t even spoken to him since he got home? I’ll see him eventually. He’ll be back at school soon.

  “He won’t know if I’m at lunch or not. Just don’t tell him I’m not there,” I say when I finally find that misbehaving book.

  “Come on, Blakely, you can’t just be so antisocial. You’re going to end up with no friends,” she cajoles. Just why does she care?

  “Why do you care?” I speak that last thought out loud. She shrugs.

  “Not me, him. He said you didn’t seem yourself when he saw you. I told him it’s probably just the breakup but he said he saw you before the breakup and I’m supposed to make sure you don’t wallow or whatever.”

  “I’m not wallowing,” I say as Sherrie approaches her locker. She gives a slight smile and says hi before getting her books and heading to homeroom. Tabitha watches her progress.

  “At least she’s not like clawing your eyes out or anything,” she observes. I shrug.

  “She ended it so, you know, she can act however she wants. We don’t hate each other. We just didn’t work.”