“She wasn’t your first kiss,” I say when he stops. He looks at me in confusion. “You told me the story about getting a bloody lip on her braces when you told me about your first kiss but she wasn’t your first kiss.”
“Huh,” Max says then laughs. “I guess you’re right. I never really counted Nick as my first kiss because he didn’t kiss me back at all. Wow! My first kiss story REALLY sucks!” We both laugh for a while then get quiet again.
“So, uh, you said that day in my mom’s car…you said you’re not gay…”my face and ears get hot. I can feel my heartbeat. “So like, are you bi?” Max looks at me and shrugs.
“Does it matter? Do I need a label?” He waits for me to answer.
“Um, it might be less confusing,” I say.
“I know as explanations go this one kinda sucks,” he admits. “It’s hard to explain because people always want absolutes. People always want labels. I don’t think gender affects the way I feel about someone. If I love them and they love me back it doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or a girl. It’s love.
“This is me. This is Max. I like who I like. I love who I love. I just never think about gender or sexual identity or any of that. My first crush was a guy. My first REAL kiss that was mutual was with a girl. My first love was a girl. I lost my virginity to a girl. My first love could have just as easily been a boy. I really have no preference. I can’t explain…it’s not like I like guys and girls equally…it’s that gender never really enters into it. I’m fluid. When I connect with someone, when I feel something more with someone I just do and physically I really have no preference. If you really need a label, if you really require absolutes then I guess you could say I identify as pansexual. It’s a silly label. I didn’t make it up.” He laughs.
“What is that?” I ask. Kimber could probably tell me after that paper she did for school.
“Short explanation?” Max says, “Gender blind….Google it,” he laughs again.
“So, why don’t you like, tell people?” I ask. Max chuckles at that.
“Do you go around telling everyone you meet that you’re hetero? No one expects anyone to do that. I shouldn’t have to make some grand announcement that I’m just not particular or whatever.”
“Does anyone know? I mean, besides your dad and Lydia and me?” Max shrugs.
“If it comes up it comes up. Tabitha knows. God, Tabitha turned it into a game,” he laughs again. I’m glad he’s so at ease with this conversation because it makes me feel more comfortable.
“Turned it into a game?”
“We were out at a club in Lancaster last year and I just mentioned there was someone there that I really wanted to kiss. She asked who she was…but it was a guy that I pointed out. She’d already seen me kiss girls. SHE had already kissed me. The thing is, when I told her I wanted to kiss this guy she didn’t really bat an eye. She just told me she’d get a kiss from him before I did and made a bet with me on it. It just became a thing we did after that.
“We’d go out and we’d pick a target and then we’d see who got the kiss. To her credit, Tabitha was a good sport and kissed a few girls along the way. God! I know this sounds really bad. I know that! But it was just kissing. Neither of us ever wanted to see these people again. It was just a game. I mean, I was still in that angry, heartbroken place. I didn’t want anything more than some fun, some harmless kissing. I told you I’m a kiss slut. I wasn’t kidding about that. I’ve kissed a LOT of people.”
“So, if you really have no preference, why don’t you just make it easy on yourself? Why don’t you go out with girls only?” I ask what I think is an obvious question. Max chuckles and shakes his head.
“Easier?” he says. “Do you know how incredibly hard it is to find someone special, someone that is everything to you? Finding someone that fills all of the empty spaces, that completes everything that’s incomplete in you…that’s so incredibly hard. Why would I cut my chances in half like that? I really don’t care if I find that in a girl or a guy. If I find that in a guy I should turn it down or ignore it because it’s not easy? That just doesn’t make sense to me.” I think of those sentences I like to read on Max’s wall. I can see how if he really has no preference it would be impossible to turn that away if he found it with anyone.
“The first time I fell in love it was with a girl. I thought Jensen and I were going to be forever. But falling in love with a girl didn’t change who I am. It didn’t mean that I would necessarily fall in love with a girl again.”
“Did she know?” I ask.
“It came up eventually. By then we were really committed to each other. We could tell each other anything and when I told her she didn’t care. WE were together. That’s what mattered then. I thought getting over her when I moved was going to be impossible. I guess I was wrong about it being impossible but it took a long time.
“Eventually I started to get over Jensen. I decided it would be best if I just didn’t even think about love and relationships and sex until after high school. I’m not staying in Lansing. I’ve never believed in long distance relationships.” He gets quiet again. He sips coffee. I sip hot chocolate. The sound of the falls is so strangely soothing that my eyes are getting heavy even after all of the sleep I got last night.
“Then one day in calculus class I looked across the room and saw this face,” he says touching his gloved fingertips to my cheek and my heart begins to gallop. I look at him and he looks at me. “That first day it wasn’t anything except attraction. Dostoyevsky said that ‘we sometimes encounter people even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight.’ That was what I felt from the moment I looked up and saw you.
“If I had seen you in a club I would have challenged Tabitha. She actually challenged me that first week but I told her no way were we playing that game with someone from school. I think I was lying to myself though. I think I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing, of her being the one to kiss you.
“I LIKED you almost right away. I’m not telling you this to make you uncomfortable or anything I just want to tell you everything. I really liked you. I kind of started blowing off my other friends to hang out with you. I was selfish. I could have invited you to do all of the things our group usually did but I didn’t want to share. Plus you’re just incredibly shy and I wanted to hang out with the Noah I see when it’s just you and me and you’re at ease, not the Noah that stutters and clams up and acts all nervous when there are other people around. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like that Noah isn’t adorable and endearing I just think you’re so much more than you let on…so much more than you even know…and I can see that when you’re at ease and comfortable.
“Anyway, when Tabitha first came up with that whole plan to get you kissed it was really just another game. At least that’s what I thought it was to her. I didn’t know how she felt about me then but I think she knew how I felt about you, or would feel about you, even before I knew. I think that’s why she was so mean to you in the beginning. She was trying to push you away and scare you off so we wouldn’t get too close.
“When I figured out how I felt I talked to Tabitha. We have always told each other everything. I was so confused because I didn’t WANT a relationship. I didn’t even know if you would be open to it. It just seemed better if I didn’t act on it. I thought I could simply stay friends. I told Tabitha that I couldn’t keep playing our games. I told her I couldn’t kiss her anymore. She didn’t understand. She said if I wasn’t going to act on my feelings then why change everything? She couldn’t understand that I didn’t WANT to kiss anyone else.
“That night it was her idea to call you to come to my house. I was at the point where I thought it might be good to put some distance between us but she convinced me that was just ridiculous. I mean, we’re friends first right? It was also her idea that we should all play spin the bottle and I think we ALL assumed it was so she could try to kiss Kyle.”
“I didn’t,” I say.
“Well then you
were the only one.”
“I thought she was using it as an excuse to kiss you. I kinda noticed you two hadn’t been quite the same. I knew how she felt about you then. At least I thought I did.”
“See, that’s one of the things I love about you, Noah. You’re so quietly observant and you’re so in tune with how other people feel. I thought I was her best friend and I couldn’t tell. You were wrong about her reasons for suggesting that game though.”
“I was?”
“She admitted it to me later. She actually wanted to try to force me to kiss you. She was hoping it would freak you out or turn you off or somehow prove to me that having feelings for you was pointless. I’m sorry. Does it bother you when I say things like that?”
“Like what?” I ask because nothing Max has said so far has made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.
“You know, when I talk about having feelings for you. I’m just trying to explain how it all happened but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I don’t want you to be afraid that I’m just trying to…I don’t know…seduce you or something. I really just want to fix our friendship and to do that I think I have to tell it all.”
“No, I’m okay. Tell me everything you need to tell me,” I encourage him. I’m surprised myself that none of this has freaked me out and I don’t know if I should give credit to the Xanax or maybe I’m finally coming to terms with all of it. “So wait, what would Tabitha have done if you had gotten me on a spin and…I don’t know…what if I liked it? What if we didn’t just kiss like you and Elliot did? What would she have done if it had backfired?” I feel my face get hot again as I talk about Max and I kissing.
“I asked her about that after,” Max says. “She told me if that had happened it would have been easier for her to let go and finally get over me. After you left that night…” I cut him off mid-sentence.
“After you MADE me leave,” I say quietly because that still kinda hurts. He nods.
“After I made you leave Tabitha and I talked and she admitted everything. She admitted her real feelings. She admitted Kyle was just a cover, an excuse for why she wasn’t dating anyone. She admitted to having her ulterior motives when she suggested that game and, most importantly she admitted to me why she kissed you.”
“I’d kinda like to know that myself,” I say. Max starts to shiver. I don’t know how long we’ve been here but it has to have been a while. I slide a little closer to offer some body heat and I tuck the sleeping bag around him on the other side. We both drink some of our warm beverages.
“When I came outside and saw the two of you…I can’t even describe the way it made me feel. It was like a knife in the heart, a kick in the guts and I literally thought I would be sick. I’d never felt so incredibly BETRAYED! I mean, she KNEW how I felt. I didn’t think she could hurt me like that or that she would ever do something like that. I didn’t know how much it hurt her to hear how I felt about you. I didn’t know she wanted more from me. When I walked outside and saw her kissing you…I almost wished I’d never met either of you.
“When she said ‘Someone had to do it. You obviously weren’t going to,’ she was taunting me. She was letting me know that she would move in since I kept saying I wasn’t going to pursue it. She admitted that she felt like if she couldn’t have me she was going to make damned sure I couldn’t have you. I was going to lose it that night. I couldn’t have you there. I was too afraid I’d slip or maybe she’d come right out and say it and you’d find out….I just had to deal with her right then and I still feel badly about how I spoke to you.
“After you left we really had it out, Tabitha and I. Everyone else left and we were at it until around five in the morning. We fought, we made up, we yelled, we cried. It was exhausting. I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust Tabitha quite the same way but we managed to salvage the friendship for the most part.
“She should apologize to you too…for the way she treated you in the beginning as much as that night. She said she always thought that once I was over Jensen that we would naturally be together. When I was finally over Jensen you were there and she knew it before I did…that I would have feelings for you that I never had for her.” He’s quiet for a while sipping his coffee and shivering. I’m starting to get cold too.
“We should probably go. I’m cold, you’re freezing. If you end up with pneumonia Mark will probably kick my ass.” I’m laughing when I say it but after seeing Mark in the hospital, knowing how much he loves Max I think Mark WOULD kick my ass if I let him get sick.
“Not yet,” he says as he turns up the collar on his coat and hunches deeper into the sleeping bag. “I have just a bit more explaining to do. I want you to know that I’m your friend first and foremost, Noah. I never want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I can be your friend without needing more. It’s important to me that you know that.”
“Okay, I think I can handle that,” I say. “Can you tell me one thing though? Can you tell me WHY? I mean, if you had decided not to pursue anything…why did it happen?” I don’t know why I can’t just come out and say it. Why can’t I just ask him why he kissed me if he didn’t want to pursue anything?
“I wasn’t planning it. That night you came over when our parents were out and we watched the movie? My heart broke a little for you that night. There I was watching that movie so oblivious to the fact that you were sitting there crying and when I finally noticed I wondered, for how long? You seemed so lost and I just wanted to gather you up and take it all away. I know you don’t sleep well most of the time. You don’t have to explain any of that to me if you don’t want to. But in a way it made me happy that you felt comfortable enough to actually get a good night sleep in my bed and even though I slept on the couch, it just felt like I was taking care of you somehow…giving you something you needed.
“I didn’t bring you here to the falls that day to get you alone and make a move. That was the last thing on my mind. I was thinking how sad you’d seemed lately and how lost and maybe a little broken you were. This place has always put me at ease and given me a sense of peace when everything else is just too much. I just wanted to maybe share that magic with you. I thought that you of all people would get it. I thought it would help you and I think it was helping. We had some good talks that afternoon. I almost told you…about me…but then I couldn’t. I figured you didn’t need to know. That’s all it was supposed to be. Just us talking and me giving this place to you.” He stops here and bites his bottom lip. I’m still not used to seeing him without the piercings.
“So then, why?” I say it so quietly I’m not sure he can hear me over the sound of the water. “What made you kiss me that day?” Just saying the words gives me a strange little rush of adrenaline. He looks away then his eyes flash to me briefly before he looks down and all I can see is his dark lashes.
“I just couldn’t NOT kiss you anymore,” he says as quietly as I had spoken. “When I pulled you up and you lost your balance and I caught you…I don’t know. Just standing so close and having my hands on you and looking into your eyes…I didn’t plan it to happen but I just couldn’t stop it. The whole time I thought if you took a swing at me or if you yelled at me or any number of reactions I knew I might get…well I told myself it was worth it to finally be kissing you.
“Then you were responding and kissing me back and it was just…perfect. It was the most amazing kiss I’d ever had. I thought whatever happens this was worth it. Then it was like you woke up and realized what was happening and I guess I just didn’t expect the reaction I got after that.
“I was terrified that day, Noah. Pushing me away, yelling at me, I expected that. But I thought we’d be okay. I mean, I never thought it would destroy our friendship. I didn’t think it would destroy YOU but I guess it did.
“When you were going to jump to that rock ledge we came from…I’ve never been more terrified. I knew you wouldn’t make that jump and it seemed like you knew it too but you were going to do it anyway and that scared the Hell out of me
. I was calling your name, telling you to stop, practically screaming and it was like you didn’t hear me. Then when we climbed out you were shaking and crying and falling down and throwing up and practically hysterical and that KILLED me because I did that to you. I’ve never wanted to take back something as much as I wanted to take back my actions that day.
“I was afraid to leave you at home alone. You couldn’t even get in the house yourself and I thought, God what did I do? I didn’t know what to do and when I looked at you there was just something missing and that was MY fault. All the times I tried to talk to you after that? That wasn’t just me trying to salvage a friendship that I was pretty convinced couldn’t be salvaged. That was me trying to make you okay again! I’m so, so sorry, Noah!”
“I’m okay,” I say and I don’t think anything of it when I put my arm around him. It’s the first time that I’ve ever comforted him. Neither of us makes a big deal out of it.
“That day in your mom’s car? I think that’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I just thought…I don’t know what I thought. It doesn’t matter what I thought. When you took off and your parents called my house looking for you an hour later, Jesus, Noah, I was terrified and sick with worry and sick with myself for doing that to you…again.”
“Apparently I scared a lot of people that day. I’m sorta indefinitely grounded these days. Well, I mean, I was allowed to go to your house last night and I was allowed out today but it’s like having a prison ankle bracelet or something. They have to know where I am at all times.”
“Can you blame them?” he asks. I shake my head.
“I guess not. So now that I know everything, that is everything isn’t it?” I ask. He nods. “I have a few questions.”
“Ask me anything.”
“If you like girls then why DON’T you go out with Tabitha?”
Behind the Falls Page 42