Behind the Falls

by Brenda Zalegowski

  “Are you awake?” I whisper. I don’t want to wake him if he’s asleep already.

  “Yeah, I’m awake. Why are you awake?” he says. I take a deep breath.

  “I want to sleep with you,” I blurt it out before I can lose my nerve. “I’m not talking about sex,” I quickly add. “I just want you in my bed, next to me. I want you under the covers, close and we don’t have to say a word or do a thing. Just…come to bed and hold me?” I’m shaking a little by the time I stop talking because just WOW. I can’t believe I said that. Max gets up and takes my hands in the dark. He leans in and kisses me softly.

  “I would love to sleep with you,” he says and leads me to my room. I get back in bed and then I slide over to give him room. He snuggles up next to me and pulls up the covers. I curl up on my side the way I always sleep and Max fits himself around me. The contours of my back fit into his front perfectly. I think he must be lying on one arm. He may have it bent under his pillow like I sleep but the free arm comes around my waist and pulls me closer. It feels so right that I can’t believe I ever thought it could be wrong.

  “I wasted a lot of time,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry about that.” He holds me tighter and kisses me behind my ear.

  “You didn’t do anything to be sorry for,” he tells me. “We’re here now. Go to sleep, Noah. I’ve got you.” I relax into him, letting go as much as I ever can and soon I’m asleep.

  When I wake up in the middle of the night I find that Max and I have both changed positions. He’s on his back but one arm is still around me. I’ve rolled over onto my other side and my head is on his chest, arm around him. Lying like this I can hear his heartbeat. I listen but I don’t hear the arrhythmia they talked about at the hospital. Maybe it did clear up on its own. I can’t sleep so I count his heart beats like sheep until I can finally close my eyes again.

  The next day I want to linger in bed but I have no idea when my parents will be home. Max makes breakfast again (pancakes that put my mom’s to shame and hers are pretty good) and then we bundle up to go outside and check out what yesterday’s weather has left behind. The trees are covered in ice and the sun is shining which makes them glisten and sparkle. Most of the sidewalks are still a treacherous mess so we walk in the street. The roads have been cindered and the sun is turning them to mush.

  Our walk is brief. It’s even too cold for me and we go back to my house for some hot chocolate. We put on a movie but we’re not really watching it. We’re mostly talking again like yesterday. We snuggle on the couch again and it makes me a little sad just knowing that this is going to end soon. Mom and Dad will be home today.

  Max tells me about his school plans. He has something like six schools on his top picks list but isn’t sure yet. He’s really serious about finding a school that offers what he wants in the forensic field that he’s interested in but still has the music and art programs that will satisfy him. He hasn’t found a school that has programs that impress him in all of his chosen fields. I try to imagine Max working for a police department and somehow I just can’t picture it. Then again, this is Max. He’ll probably end up working for the FBI.

  “What are you going to do?” he asks the question I still don’t have an answer for. I shrug.

  “I seriously don’t know. I’ll have to start undecided I guess and then hope I figure it out before I have to declare a major. I don’t have any real hobbies. I’m not good at everything like you are. I just don’t know. How does anyone figure it out in high school? I’m terrified of making the wrong choice and ending up miserable.”

  Going to school, choosing a major, picking a career, going out on my own, these are all things that have caused me great anxiety for a few years now. What if I can’t even do it? What if I can’t handle college or what if I can’t ever go out on my own? What if I can’t even hold down a job because I end up in a bad place again, unable to leave the house? I shudder just thinking about it.

  “I’m just so…lame,” I start but Max interrupts me.

  “You always say I’m so interesting. You always say I’m so smart, that I’m good at everything, right?” he says. I nod. “If you were lame would I be here?”

  “Why ARE you?” I realize this makes no sense. I know why I want to be with Max but why would he pick me?

  “I’m going to tell you this until you believe it. You sell yourself short, Noah. Why am I here? You’re amazing! I’m crazy about you! I have been for almost as long as I’ve known you. Why? Because you’re so very, very smart. You’re crazy good with numbers but you excel in English Lit class too and you’re also artistic. I’ve never met anyone that’s so academically well rounded. I have to say, brains are a definite turn on.

  “You’re kind for no reason other than that’s who you are. You don’t want anything in return. Being kind is just you. You’re so sensitive and you can see how other people feel without them telling you and you actually care about their feelings. You have this open vulnerability and you’re so innocent and genuine. You’re just nice, like I seriously don’t think you have a mean bone in your body. I don’t think you could ever hurt anyone on purpose.

  “Your eyes are like chocolate and they go on and on and I could get lost in their depths. Your hair is like no color I’ve ever seen before, unique like you are. You’re so damned cute, just absolutely adorable and you don’t even realize it and that just makes you so irresistible. You look so delicate but you’re strong…” it’s my turn to interrupt him.

  “Strong? I seriously doubt that,” I say. He nods and gives me a quick kiss.

  “You can run for miles and miles and you actually LIKE it. That’s strength. Sometimes…”here he hesitates. “Sometimes you seem far away and I can see there’s something troubling you. I don’t know if it’s just the homesickness or the insomnia and I hope someday you can trust me enough to tell me what it is. You don’t have to, but I hope someday you can. Even so, you always bounce back and you smile and it just goes right to my heart.”

  I hate that Max can see that. I hate that he knows there’s something wrong with me. Hiding it from him feels like a lie to me but telling him the truth is unthinkable.

  “Well when you put it like that what am I thinking? I could have anyone,” I tease. I’m laughing but Max just squeezes me closer.

  “You really could but you’re mine now, Blakely,” he says and he’s right.

  “Don’t ever let me go,” I whisper.

  “Not a chance,” he says and I believe him.

  We’re cleaning up from lunch when my parents finally come home. I can tell Mom wants to dote and make a fuss and twenty-question me about the last couple of days but she won’t do that to me in front of Max. My parents may not agree with my decision to keep my disorder a secret but they will never go against my wishes either. They both hug me and Dad even whispers in my ear, “We’re so proud of you,” as if it’s a major accomplishment to be away from them for a couple of nights without totally losing it.

  They invite Max to stay for dinner (even though we’ve just had lunch) but he declines. He hasn’t been home in two days. We have school tomorrow. He needs to make sure there’s no last minute homework he neglected. We go to my room under the guise of packing his things even though he packed his bag this morning after we got out of bed.

  As soon as we’re in my room he spins around and presses me against the closed door. His hands find my waist and he presses his body against me. Just his close proximity has me trying to catch my breath and when he presses his lips to mine I feel a strange thrill because my parents are just down the hall in the kitchen. He breaks off the kiss and wraps his arms around me.

  “What happens tomorrow?” I have no idea where I find the nerve to ask the question that’s been at the back of my mind all day. What do I do when I see Max in school? What will he do when he sees me?

  “Hopefully more of this,” he says as he nips playfully at my neck.

  “I mean, um, just…at school tomorrow?” I can’t quite make myself sa
y it. This has to be between him and me. No one else can know. I just…I can’t.

  “What do you want?” he stops his nibbling to look me in the eyes. “Because I would grab you and push you up against your locker and do this,” he says and kisses me as he presses me against my closed bedroom door, “but if that’s not something you can handle then you tell me.”

  “I…I can’t. I’m sorry,” I say and I mean it. I’m so sorry that I can’t let him do that but he seems to understand.

  “Don’t be sorry. Unless you say otherwise this is between you and me. I would never hurt you. You know that, right?” I nod my reply and then we’re kissing again and I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this but I can’t remember ever being happier. Max breaks off the kiss and presses his cheek against mine, lips near my ear.

  “Je t’aime, Mon Coeur,” he whispers in my ear.

  “No fair speaking in languages I don’t know,” I whisper back to him. I only know that it’s French because I know he takes French and anything said with a French accent sounds pretty hot. I myself only ever studied some Latin and Spanish because it seems much more likely that I’ll need Spanish than any other language.

  “I guess you have some translating to do then,” he teases as he gives me one more quick kiss. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow.” He backs away from me and I slide to the side so he can open the door. I hear him call a goodbye to my parents and then he’s gone.

  ****

  At school on Monday I’m a bundle of nerves. I’m anxious to see Max and I’m not sure why that is. I mean, I saw him less than twenty four hours ago. Maybe it’s because I’m not sure how to be with him at school. I don’t want anyone to know about us but I’m afraid everyone will know the second we’re in the same space. Mom has started teaching at the junior high so I’m early which just gives me more time to worry. I’m at my locker when he arrives.

  “Hey, Noah,” he says nonchalantly as he passes with Tabitha but the smile he gives me is anything but nonchalant.

  “Hey, Max,” I return and I’m still smiling like an idiot when I slip into my seat in homeroom.

  “You look happy,” Sherrie remarks as she walks in behind me. My smile gets bigger and I can’t help it.

  “I had a really good winter break,” I say. The school day goes pretty much like any other school day with a few exceptions. I keep stealing glances at Max in calculus class. My heart does weird fluttery things whenever he looks up at the same time and smiles. I linger at my desk when class is over, taking an extremely long time to pack up my books so that he’s at the door at the same time that I am.

  If this was a normal relationship this is when we would clasp hands and walk to our next class like Sherrie and I used to do. I have to be content with walking by his side until he gets to his next classroom and I continue on to mine. In chemistry we have a lecture today so there’s not much chance of talking. When class is over we walk to our lockers together.

  “Come over tonight after dinner?” he says it like a question. “I have tutoring today or I’d just take you home with me.” He grins this last part.

  “I can do that,” I agree. Tabitha joins us as we head to the cafeteria. I don’t think Max has said anything to her because she keeps looking at us like she’s trying to figure something out. If he had talked to her she’d already know. It’s not until we sit down to lunch that she finally says something.

  “Blakely is smiling,” she says nudging Darcy but she’s looking at me. Darcy looks up at me.

  “He is,” Darcy agrees. “It looks good on him.”

  “I mean, he’s smiling a LOT,” Tabitha says. “Like every time I look at him he’s smiling and this is not his normal mood. I think something must have happened to young Noah over break.” Now my face is hot but I can’t seem to stop the stupid smile that’s still on my face.

  When I think I can trust my expression again I look up and the smile slips from my face. Mischa has just slid into the empty seat next to Max. What happened to her old friends that she used to sit with? Why can’t she go back to where she belongs?

  “Hi, Holden. How was your holiday?” she says. Before Max can answer Tabitha interrupts.

  “If you really knew him you’d know that he prefers to be called Max,” she says.

  “Tabby…”Max warns. Tabitha shuts up but continues to glare daggers at Mischa. Max looks across the table at me.

  “I had an amazing holiday,” he says. I know that he didn’t tap my foot accidentally under the table because he smiles his crooked grin at me and does it again. I tap him back and smile as I look down at my lunch tray. We both need to get a grip on these stupid grins or we’re going to be outed in no time. Tabitha makes a retching sound. Yeah, she wants him to be happy and yeah, she did talk to me on his behalf but she’s still Tabitha after all. Darcy looks from Max to me and back again and she breaks into a broad smile too. Only Mischa seems clueless.

  “Where are you going?” Max asks as I prepare to leave early like I do every day. I need to go take my meds. He never questioned my early departure before this.

  “I want to get to the computer lab early,” I lie. “I like to make sure I get my favorite seat.” It’s a simple enough lie and one that Max seems to accept but it still feels wrong in my mouth. I hate lying to him.

  It’s not until the last class of the day, sociology, that anyone else says anything. I’m a little early like I usually am for this class. The art room is really close by and I don’t dawdle on my way from there to here. Darcy is early too. We’re the only ones in the classroom.

  “So, what gives, Noah,” she says. “Not that I don’t find this smiling, happy version of Noah preferable to the angsty, sad version but inquiring minds want to know what has brought this on.” She’s smiling and nudging me and I think she probably knows. She just wants her suspicions confirmed.

  “I’m not angsty,” I say. “That’s not even a word.”

  “Okay then, you‘re morose. Noah, do you know what half the girls in the senior class say about you?” she asks and I shake my head. The girls talk about me? “They say you’re so cute but you’re so sad like some character in a book and they all want to just fix you and make you happy. Melancholy is a turn on, my friend.”

  “I’m not,” I argue.

  “Not today you’re not,” she says. I sigh in exasperation.

  “You aren’t going to leave me alone are you?” I say it pleadingly. I want nothing more than for her to leave me alone about this.

  “Look, your secret is safe with me. I just wanted to say what took you so long and I’m happy for you,” she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and takes her seat as the classroom begins to fill.

  After dinner I go to Max’s house. Lydia sends me downstairs as soon as I get there. Max’s studio is open like it usually is when he’s expecting me but his bedroom door is closed. I knock softly. The door opens so quickly that I’m taken by surprise. He grabs me by the wrist, pulls me inside and shuts the door so fast that my head is spinning. I hear the lock click and then he’s kissing me.

  “I’ve wanted to do that all day,” he says in my ear when he finally comes up for air. “It’s torture seeing you and not being allowed to do that.” I agree with him and this time it’s me who kisses him. My arms are around him and his hands are on my face and in my hair. Finally he breaks away.

  “I have to finish my homework,” he says. I pout for a bit then I let him go. While he does homework I grab his battered copy of Catcher in the Rye and lay across his bed to read. I can’t believe my mom never assigned this. Apparently Lansing High teaches this book prior to senior year. I bet Max HATED that class because of his name. I wonder where he lived, what school he was enrolled in when he was assigned this book that he’d already read multiple times.

  When he’s done with his homework he slides onto the bed next to me. He tries to kiss me but I teasingly push him away. He nibbles my ear and nips at my neck and it drives me crazy but I try not to let it show.


  “Do you mind? I’m trying to read,” I tease. He sighs. He gets his arms around me, manhandles me into a position where I’m leaning against him with my back to his front practically in his lap and his chin is resting on my shoulder. It takes me a few minutes to realize that he’s reading over my shoulder.

  “Ready?” I ask when I get to the end of the page.

  “Turn whenever you’re done. I’ve read this a time or two,” he says and I can hear the smile in his voice. We continue to read like this for some time. Once in a while he’ll kiss my hair or my cheek. I want to read all of my homework assignments like this. Eventually it’s time to go home. It’s a school night after all. Max walks me to the door to his room, kisses me like he’s never going to see me again then finally lets me go.

  The rest of the week goes much the same way. On Tuesday Max invites me to dinner and I catch a ride home with him. When Mark says grace and all of our hands are linked Max gives mine a squeeze. I squeeze back and fight the smile. After dinner we do homework then snuggle and continue reading.

  On Wednesday Max tutors and I have therapy so we don’t see each other after school. Dr. Cooper notices my general good mood and remarks on it. I use this as an opportunity to lobby to get off the meds. He does note that I’ve been doing well the last month. He doesn’t exactly agree to take me off of the drugs completely but he does adjust the dosage. It’s not ideal but it’s a start. Dr. Cooper explains that we’d have to taper the drugs off slowly anyway to avoid withdrawal symptoms.

  Thursday morning I start the day with a headache. It persists throughout morning classes and by lunch time my head is throbbing. The bright lights in the cafeteria hurt my eyes and cause the pain in my head to intensify. I start to feel sick to the stomach.

  “Are you okay?” Max asks. Apparently I look as bad as I feel. I shake my head.

  “I think I’ll go to the nurse and get some ibuprofen,” I tell him. He’s only halfway through his lunch and even though he wants to go with me I tell him to stay and finish.