I Ain't Me No More

by E. N. Joy

  I put my head down. I couldn’t describe the emotions that were flowing through me, a young teenage girl, at the time. I tried, anyway, and came up with the words stupidity, alone, left for dead, useless, worthless, pitiful, victim, depressed, miserable.

  The closing of the bedroom door and its locking let me know that Dub was back in the room with me. “That was close.” He exhaled. “We almost got busted.”

  We? I thought. We. Had I missed something here? Or were Dub and his mother right? Dub had always said that it was my own fault that he put his hands on me, that I made him do it. It wasn’t just an excuse anymore. I was truly beginning to believe that in my head. After all, I was only seventeen. I’d met Dub and been under his spell since I was fifteen. This was all I knew. He was all I knew. This was what I was used to.

  At the end of the day, some children and teenagers who were abused physically, sexually, and mentally by their parents didn’t tell. They never told, not even when they became of age. They still had this love and connection to their abuser that was absolutely unexplainable, to such an extent that they still visited and kept up a relationship with their abuser. The same went with a dog being abused by its master. It was their master. It was all they knew, and they wouldn’t dare run out of that unfenced yard when off the chain to take a risk and see if the grass was greener on the other side. We became comfortable with knowing what we were going to get versus the unknown. Something just wouldn’t allow us to take the risk of walking away to see if there was better out there. Most of us didn’t even believe we deserved better, because we’d been beaten and broken down to nothing.

  I’d once heard that no one could do to a person any more than that person allowed them to do. Did that mean I was completely to blame, then?

  My thoughts were interrupted when I felt Dub pushing me back on the bed. He was feeling victorious, so now, of course, he wanted to celebrate. Hopefully, the teddy would serve its purpose and this wouldn’t take too long.

  Stone Number Nine

  “Hey, sweetie,” Ms. Daniels said, opening the door to let me and Baby D in.

  “Hi, Ms. Daniels.” I was all too stunned when she pulled me in for a hug. For the past month, after the whole scene with Dub and me fighting in his room, she’d had a slight attitude with me, hardly speaking whenever I came through the door. I presumed she was over it.

  “Dub is downstairs. I’m cooking taco salad.” She scooped up Baby D. “I’ll call you guys up when it’s finished.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said. Taco salad was one of my favorite dishes that Ms. Daniels made. I was glad Ms. Daniels and I were back on good terms. I really liked her and didn’t blame her for her son’s actions at all.

  I headed down the steps and went to Dub’s room after making a pit stop at the bathroom.

  “So who is the dude you been riding around in your car with?” Dub asked before I barely had my foot in the door of his room.

  “What?” I was totally confused. His demeanor had all of a sudden changed. Just fifteen minutes ago he’d called my house, talking about, in a voice as sweet as cotton candy, how he missed Baby D and just wanted to see him for a few minutes. Since I was the one with the car, it was a no-brainer that I would pack up Baby D and come to his house.

  After saving money from my job, I’d gone out and gotten myself a reliable hooptie. It was a Chevy Chevette. It wasn’t much, but it was mine and it was clean, and it sure as heck beat public transportation. Getting to school and work and lugging Baby D around was much easier now. And, unfortunately, so was getting to Dub’s house.

  “Don’t get slick. You know exactly who I’m talking about,” Dub said.

  “Boy, let me go upstairs and get my son from your mama so we can go home. I ain’t come over here for no drama. I thought you wanted to see your son, but I see you on some other stuff.” I pushed past him, my heart racing one hundred miles per hour. I knew exactly what and who he was talking about. Only, I knew that even if I dared try to explain it, it would do me no good. But would playing stupid pan out any better?

  “Oh, so you trying to play dumb?” Dub said, hurrying to block the door with his body.

  “I don’t be riding around with no dude in my car, Dub. You’re talkin’ crazy,” I declared, and I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles had there been one nearby.

  He marinated my face with the spittle that fluttered out of his mouth with his every word. “Witch, my boy who lives across the street from your school told me how every day when you get out of school, some dude be getting in your car with you. So you trying to say my boy is a liar? Huh? ’Cause we can call him up right now!”

  I was so busted it wasn’t even funny. I knew playing stupid any longer would only insult Dub’s intelligence, so I surrendered the truth and braced myself.

  “Oh, you mean then?” I shooed my hand as if a fly was trying to come in between us. Nonchalantly I stated, “Oh, that’s just Markus. Our teacher got him and one other guy in our class a job at the computer place I work at. I just give them a ride since we are going to the same place.”

  I didn’t think I could have embedded my foot any further down my throat. Not only had I just confessed to riding around with one guy, but I’d pleaded guilty to there actually being two.

  “Oh, so you be riding around with all kinds of dudes in your car? I bet they be runnin’ trains on you and everything, you stupid whore. Now you got a baby and everybody know you screwin’, you just givin’ it up to everybody now, huh?”

  I couldn’t even describe how deeply Dub’s words cut me. I wanted to cuss him out now and worry about the butt kickin’ later, but before I could respond, Dub punched me in my head so hard, I literally saw stars. Before that pain could even drive in and park, he slapped me across the face with his open hand.

  “Why are you doing this?” I cried, holding my head. “I just gave them a ride. It’s nothing,” I said, trying to reason with him. It was so innocent, but Dub was so jealous, I knew he would never see it that way, which was why I had never mentioned it to him.

  I’d been giving them a ride for only a little over a month. It wasn’t even like Markus and the other guy had asked me for a ride. I was the one who had offered. On my way to work I’d drive past them at the bus stop, and knowing we were all going to the same place, it just didn’t seem right. I thought I was doing something good. I guess it just showed that no good deed went unpunished. So now it was time for me to take my punishment.

  “So you thought it was okay to be riding around with dudes in your car? Is that what you thought? You thought it was cool for my boys to see my girl rolling around town with another dude in her car? You thought it was cool to make me look stupid?” With each question asked, I received a punch in the stomach or the chest.

  “Oh God!” I yelped, trying to catch my breath. At that moment I was crying out to God, and not because of instinct. I truly just wanted God to come down from the clouds of heaven and take not me but Dub away.

  As awful as it sounded, I wanted nothing more than for him to be ingested by Earth and regurgitated on Mars. But I knew God wouldn’t answer my prayers. It wasn’t like He and I were close acquaintances or anything. I had never called Him up or stopped by His house to say “What’s up?” in quite some time. I made a mental note to do just that for the sole purpose that the next time I did need to call out to Him, He might answer.

  “You stupid . . .” Now with each blow Dub landed, he also pitched an obscenity my way. I was every whore, ho, B word, and slut in the book. “Did you actually think . . .”

  I tuned him out and just took the licks, pain thrusting through my body. Every now and again I tried to fight him back, but he was just too quick. Too strong. Just like with that little kid on the playground back when I was in fourth grade, I just didn’t want to fight. For years my bark had been far worse than my bite. Dub knew I didn’t even have teeth.

  All of a sudden it was like déjà vu.

  “What’s going on down here?” Ms. Daniels called
from the other side of the door. The knob began to jiggle. She couldn’t get in, though, because Dub, of course, had locked the door. “Unlock this door. What did I tell you about locking this door? Open it now!”

  Before Dub could even think about honoring his mother’s request, the door flew open from the weight of Ms. Daniels slamming her body up against it. Her wild eyes searched the room. I could tell she was just waiting to catch me scratching up her son. But what she saw was a completely different scene than what she’d obviously expected. I could tell by the surprised look in her eyes.

  “Honey, what happened?” she said with a concerned tone as she made her way over to me. She touched my swollen jaw and examined the scratches around my neck. I hadn’t had time, of course, to reduce the swelling with ice, make myself up with cosmetics, or layer myself in clothing. “What happened to your shirt?”

  I looked down, having not even noticed myself that Dub had ripped my shirt. I looked up at her with my telltale eyes. Then I looked at Dub, her son, the boy she’d raised. Her eyes followed my glare.

  “You beating on her?” she asked Dub. “You beating on her?” she asked again after not getting a response from him the first time.

  I thought Dub would just be filled with guilt and shame after being found out by his mom and would confess and repent. I mean, this time there was no way she couldn’t see what was truly going on. But instead he puffed his chest out and got indignant. I guess what he was thinking was, Forget it.... I’ve been found out now. There’s no turning back, so I might as well man up to it.

  He looked at me with such rage and then said, “So what? She deserves to be hit if she’s supposed to be my girl and she’s cheating on me.”

  “But I wasn’t cheating on you,” I cried. “I was just giving them a ride to work.” I looked at Ms. Daniels. “I swear I was not cheating on your son.” I felt the need to clarify that for her for fear that she might think that since I was cheating on her son, then I deserved to be hit.

  Ms. Daniels’s words surprised me. “And even if she was cheating on your sorry behind, that don’t give you no right to put your hands on her.” His mother, to my astonishment, defended me.

  Knowing that there was someone on my side who just might listen, I felt something erupt in me and I decided to tell all. “He always hits on me, Ms. Daniels,” I blurted. “And then, afterward, he just likes to get on top of me.” I didn’t have to spell it out. She knew what I meant.

  She looked at her son with disgust. “Just like your father,” she told him through gritted teeth.

  For some young men, that might have been a good thing to hear, while for others, the most insulting thing a person could ever tell them was that they were just like their father. With Dub it would be the latter.

  “He used to do the same thing to me,” his mother confessed with moist eyes. “That’s why he’s paralyzed to this day. All them years of beating on me, when he got into a fight with a real man, he didn’t know what to do. Got himself beat so bad, he gon’ be in that wheelchair the rest of his life, and if you keep it up, you’re going to turn out just like him. I see it now.” She glared at her son. “I can see it in your eyes.”

  A raging heat arose in Dub. He was so angry at his mother’s words that I could tell he wanted to beat her down. Instead, he chose to do to me what he wanted to do to her.

  “Now, see what you’ve done!” Dub ran toward me, leaped into the air, and kicked me dead in the stomach with all the strength he could muster in his size ten foot. I never saw it coming. But, man, did I feel it.

  “Ugh,” I gasped, bending over.

  “Dub!” his mother yelled, slinging him back and away from me by his shirt. “What if she was pregnant or something? Did you think about that?” she scolded, still gripping his shirt. Pregnancy wasn’t a possibility, since I had been on birth control, but I understood the point she was trying to make.

  I was in so much pain, my body felt like electricity was flowing through it. Pain or not, I knew I had to get out of there . . . for good. I began to gather my things as hot tears streamed down my face.

  “Where you think you going?” Dub asked me, trying to get past his mother, who was blocking him.

  “I’m out of here.” Then I got bolder. “I hate you! It’s over!” I would have never had the courage to say those things had his mother not been down there.

  “Look, I’m sorry,” Dub said, apologizing, something he hadn’t done since he first started hitting me. “I just love you so much that I lost it for a minute. Me thinking I’m going to lose you over some other guy . . . I don’t know what happened.” He actually sounded sincere, but it was too late. I saw this as my out. Finally, despite the fact that I gave Him little to nothing, God was giving me a way out. I would finally be free from the clutches of Dublen Daniels.

  “Well, now you’re losing her over yourself.” His mother abducted the words right out of my mouth. “And I don’t blame her . . . as long as I still get to see my grandson.”

  I swear on my mother and father that Ms. Daniels having my back gave me so much courage, it wasn’t funny. I guess all I needed was for someone to just know what I was going through, to be there to understand. To support me. To believe me. This time Ms. Daniels had to believe me. She’d seen it with her own eyes. Dub could smell my newfound courage too. He knew I was gone. He knew that I meant every word I’d said. It was over.

  “Please don’t leave me,” Dub said once I had collected all my things and was on my way up the stairs.

  I disregarded his pleas and turned to his mother. “Where’s Baby D?”

  “I had Kelice run to the store to get me a pack of cigarettes. She took him with her,” Ms. Daniels said.

  I was anxious to get out of there, but not without my baby boy, who’d turned one just three months ago. “Then I’ll just wait in my car.” I knew better than to sit in the house and wait. Dub would try to sweet-talk me or beat my brains out. I didn’t want to subject myself to either.

  “I’ll get his things together,” Ms. Daniels said as she followed me up the steps.

  I kept peering over my shoulders to make sure Dub wasn’t going to try to do something crazy to stop me. Instead, he just stood there, dumbfounded, watching me walk away.

  I stood at the front door while Ms. Daniels gathered Baby D’s things. It took her less than five minutes. “Now, remember what I said.” Ms. Daniels placed her hand on my shoulder. “Just ’cause you and my son ain’t gon’ be together no more doesn’t mean you can keep my grandbaby from being around me.”

  I gave a half smile. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Ms. Daniels. I know how much you love—”

  “Helen, come here,” Dub interrupted as he called out to me from the basement.

  There was silence as I looked at Ms. Daniels. “Should I go?” my eyes asked her, but my lips said nothing, frozen in fear.

  If I went down those basement steps, what fate would be there waiting for me? If I walked out that door, what fate would be waiting for me? Would my disobedience set Dub off to the point where he’d race outside and kill me in front of the neighbors? Would he come after me at my house late at night, taking me out and anybody who got in his way? I couldn’t bring that chaos to my doorstep, couldn’t compromise my family’s welfare. Even worse, what if his sister drove up with Baby D and he killed me right there in front of our son? No, I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t have my son witness his father murder his mother.

  “Helen, come here,” Dub called again, shaking me out of my thoughts.

  I knew what I had to do. I had to go ahead and get it over with. With my arms loaded with both Baby D’s and my things, I took a deep breath and headed down the steps, my life a slide show before my eyes.

  Once I got to the bottom landing, I walked straight across into Dub’s room. I walked in slowly, but he was nowhere in sight. It was quiet, and I could hear my heart drumming.

  “I’m back here!” I heard him call out, his voice darn near making me jump out of my skin.


  I exited his bedroom and tailed his voice to the back part of the basement, where the laundry room was. With each tread and with each breath, I came to grips with the fact that they could very well be my last. Right before entering the laundry room, I closed my eyes and took one last deep breath and then advanced . I kept my eyes closed, having decided that I didn’t want to see it coming. It wasn’t until I stepped on a pile of clothes that I opened my eyes. And what I saw would be embedded in my eternal memory.

  “Helen,” Dub said, “I can’t live without you.” And then he jumped.

  My heart dropped as I watched eighteen-year-old Dub dangle from the ceiling rafter, his bedroom sheet tied around his neck.

  He was gagging and kicking and choking and dying. He was the one dying, not me. My heart began to pound so loudly, it sounded like the background of the song “The Little Drummer Boy.”

  With that short walk, I had prepared myself to die. But I had not prepared myself to witness another human being die. But Dub wasn’t a human being, was he? He was a monster. Didn’t monsters deserve to die?

  Even with those thoughts scuttling through my head, I just couldn’t let him remain suspended there. I just couldn’t. I dropped everything in my hands on the floor and ran over to him. As I pulled at his legs, I would look up and see the sheet begin to loosen instead of tighten. It wasn’t loosening fast enough, though. I thought about calling out for his mother to come help me, but I was afraid she would think I’d hung him up there myself or would just flat out blame me for his act. So instead, I just kept pulling. With my pulling and all the pressure of Dub kicking, the sheet continued to loosen. But would it loosen quickly enough, or would it be too late?

  “Oh, God, please help me!” I called out as my arms began to weaken. The irony of the situation was that just moments ago I wanted God to help me get away from Dub, even if somebody had to die. Now here I was, asking God to help me keep Dub, the cradle of my misery, from dying.