Fowl Play
Page 13
According to their machine, I had a particularly high concentration of virus cells in limited locations, including my brain, the larger bones in my body, and in my torso. Due to the lack of the virus in my bloodstream, they theorized the virus had taken up residence in my digestive and reproduction systems to avoid detection.
“Good for avoiding accidental infection, bad for...” Dad blinked. “Wait, where did you say her virus is accumulating?”
“Her reproductive system, her digestive system, and in her brain, sir,” the tech repeated.
“Which means the information on her card about her partner needing to put in a week of serious effort to contract her virus is incorrect, right?”
I honked at my father for daring to speak openly about my non-existent sex life.
“If our reading of this meter is correct, she’s highly contagious and should avoid intercourse of all types unless her partner consents to become her mate. Once she shifts back to human, I’d like to take a mouth swab for testing, too. With such a high concentration of the virus in her head, I’m concerned her saliva may contain enough of the virus to be an infection risk.”
Dad worked his arm beneath me and carried me to the bathroom. “Kenneth, bring her clothes, please. I’ll get her to shift and we’ll do a test. You can get a new card issued for her today?”
“Of course, sir. We’ll need to update her license as well.”
“Her license has a note to check the card already.”
“That should be fine as a temporary measure.”
After Kenneth left my clothes in the bathroom, Dad dropped a bathrobe over my head. “Try to shift again, please don’t attack me, and get dressed. I’ll be right outside the door if you need me, so just give a honk. Take a chill pill, and if you want everyone to leave so you can have some private time with Kenneth, just ask us to leave after we do the swab test to see if your saliva has a high concentration of the virus in it.”
I wiggled out from beneath the bathrobe and glared at my father.
“If you’re not out within five minutes, we’re going to assume you’re taking a nap again and will come in and fetch you. No diddle-dawdling.”
As Dad would do exactly as threatened, I waited for him to leave and close the door behind him before trying his advice again to figure out what actually made me human. The shift happened, and the flash of pain was so intense I curled on the floor and struggled not to cry. I lost several precious minutes struggling to catch my breath before scrambling into the bathrobe because pulling on my jeans seemed too hard when my body still protested the transformation from oversized waterfowl to human.
Living up to his threat, Dad barged in, took a look at me, and sighed. He crouched beside me and wiped my cheeks with the balls of his thumbs. “It hurts less with practice, I promise. Go on, let them test your saliva, and I’ll herd the rest of the busybodies out of your space so you can have something to eat and talk to Kenneth for a while. Of course, with the way your virus is yanking you around right now, I expect you two won’t be talking.”
I flushed. “Dad,” I hissed.
He shook his head, stared at the ceiling, and sighed. “You’re part succubus, Emma. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
No matter what I said, I’d lose, so I gave up, tied the robe firmly closed, and wobbled to my feet so the CDC reps could poke and prod at me some more.
A smug Kenneth sat on the couch with a cup of coffee, and he saluted me with it. “Nice outfit.”
Dad steered me towards the reps. “Please check her saliva before those two start up again. The sooner we evacuate out of here, the sooner we can call you back to see if she managed to infect the idiot trying his best to provoke her.”
My mother laughed. “He’s not trying to provoke her. He’s successfully provoking her. The instant we leave the room, she’s going to pounce him. If you don’t want to be pounced, Kenneth, you should leave.”
Kenneth’s sister joined in the laughter. “Someone has to have handcuffs around here. We can tie him down so he can’t escape. That would serve the jerk right for causing so much trouble.”
“What happened wasn’t his fault,” I blurted.
“Emma, eyes away from Kenneth’s sister,” Dad ordered.
Confused, I stared at him. “What?”
“She’s his sister, so she’s not infringing on your territory or threatening him.”
“I know that!”
“You might, but you’re eyeing her like you’re considering if you want to go for the throat. I remember that look quite well. You used it on me right before you went for my throat.”
Sometimes, I truly and unconditionally hated my father. “She isn’t the one who tried to wake me up. That’s all on you, Dad.”
Jolene hopped to her feet. “And that’s my cue to leave my brother to his fate. I’ll resume hiding in my room if anyone needs me. Unless I have to plan my brother’s funeral, please don’t need me.”
Kenneth raised a brow. “Good to know you care, Jolene.”
“You’re a big boy. I’m sure you can handle one single, cranky female lycanthrope on your own. I’ll make sure to tell Mom and Dad you’re spending the rest of the week trying your best to catch a contagious disease destined to lead to marriage.”
“If you tell them to contact Mr. Sansaul, they might tear into him and not you,” Kenneth offered. “As for the rest of it, sure. That works. My phone will be off, as I’ll be busy trying to convince her to go with the idea. When I’m not doing that, we’ll be dancing, and I might start wanting to kill people if we don’t get to do any dancing.”
“Good idea about Mr. Sansaul. He might survive their wrath. I still haven’t told them I let some bitch get the jump on me yet. I’ve survived one close brush with death this week. It’s your turn. Try not to kill him, Emma. You need him for your nefarious plans. I’d also avoid beating him too hard, no matter how much he deserves it. Too many bruises will interfere with his performance.” After blowing her brother a kiss, Jolene bounced out the door.
One of the CDC reps held out a meter, which had a metal attachment sticking out of it. “If you spit on that, it’ll take a few seconds to see if your saliva is a contagion source.”
Spitting on a metal stick seemed like one of the saner things I’d done over the past few days, so I did as told. The meter remained quiet, and he pressed a few buttons on the display. “Your levels are below threshold for infection,” he reported. “We’ll want to continue doing quarterly tests to confirm your blood isn’t a contagion source, but this is potentially a very advantageous situation for you, Miss Sansaul.”
Huh. I’d gotten lucky for once in my life. “Cool. So, I won’t be a research subject?”
He laughed. “I wouldn’t count on that. The CDC would love to find out why your virus is replicating in a rather unique way. If it’s something that can be replicated, it would make life a lot easier for others with the infection.”
“Non-invasive tests when I don’t have work would be acceptable.”
“And you’ll be offered compensation. I’ll pass word along and have someone send you a questionnaire about some testing. Have yourself a nice day and try not to destroy the hotel with your enthusiasm. We’ll leave some neutralizer here in case you need it.” The three techs gathered their meters, packed them away, and bailed.
I found their hurry to get out of the room amusing.
“All right, little chick. We’re going to leave you two to your business. Get something to eat and get some dancing in before you really do kill someone. If you need anything, give one of us a call. Mr. Harold? You can worry about paperwork later. Let the love birds have a chance to settle down. Once her virus is satisfied she’s not going to lose her male to some interloping female, she should calm enough she can sign papers without her thought process being compromised.”
“Sounds good. I’ll add the extra paperwork to make her pay effective from when I assigned them to the case to simplify matters on her end. I’m looki
ng forward to discussing this with you more thoroughly, Miss Sansaul.”
What had I gotten myself into? “All right, Mr. Harold.”
“I’ll see you to the lobby,” my father said, snagging Mom by the back of her neck and dragging her along. “No helping them, Louisa.”
“Why must you insist on ruining my fun, George?”
“Because you’re a succubus, and if I let you do exactly what you wanted, you’d turn the resort into a sex party?”
“I still don’t see why you think this is a bad thing.”
“I’d say I’m monogamous, but I lost that right when I decided marrying an angel was a good idea. Angels come prepackaged with demons, or so I’ve learned.”
“Admit it, George. You like the challenge of trying to wrangle two women.”
“I don’t get to do any of the wrangling. I’m the one who is wrangled, and you two expect me to like it.”
I wondered what it was like to have normal parents. “Please leave without destroying anything or turning the resort into a sex party.”
That my parents listened to me shocked me into silence, leaving Kenneth to close and lock the door. “That you need to specify they shouldn’t destroy anything or trigger any unscheduled orgies is a little concerning, jail bird.”
“Yet you’ve been given full disclosure of the consequences of sharing space with me.”
“You’re worth it.”
“We hardly know each other!”
“At the risk of sounding like a stalker, I’ve watched as many your performances as possible. I bribed your boss to send me a text when you’d be on stage, and he made sure I got a ticket. You’re one of the hardest working women I’ve ever met. Admittedly, I should’ve looked a little closer, then I would’ve found your law license and noticed who your father is, but I like to think that makes me a little less creepy. Every time we’ve run into each other, it’s always been the same. I’ve wanted to learn more about you and do what I could to ruffle your feathers.”
“You are aware you drive me crazy, right?”
“That’s half the fun. As our boss said, we’ll never get bored. I don’t want some delicate trophy wife, jail bird. In that, I guess I’m a lot like your father. I need a challenge. You do, too, or else you wouldn’t thrive dancing like you do. Anything worth having is worth working for, and I’d rather go in knowing it’s going to be hard than expecting it to be easy and learning differently down the road. Making a relationship work takes a lot of effort and dedication on both our parts. The only thing that’ll be easy for us is the virus ensuring we need to make it work. I’ve heard the disclosure so many times today I have it memorized.”
“There’s no turning back, not even for a succubus.”
“I noticed that. I seriously hadn’t known the lycanthropy virus could influence a demoness, but sure enough, your mom walks the straight and narrow, doesn’t she?”
“Ma helps with that, but yeah. It’s hard on her sometimes. If Dad has a bad week at work, she can’t feed off him at all. I’ve seen Ma drag Mom out for a night on the town just so they could have coffee near a brothel so she wouldn’t start losing weight.”
“That’s the last thing I’d ever expected to hear anyone say. Your ma, the angel, took your mom, the succubus, to coffee shops near brothels so she could...”
I laughed at the way Kenneth’s expression went blank. “Yes, they’d go hang out near where people were having sex because Dad’s lycanthropy virus might be overextended if she tried to get energy from him.”
“You have a very strange family life, jail bird. I can promise you a nice, quiet apartment in a good part of town, spacious enough for two to live comfortably, in a secure building. They’ve even got anti-teleportation wards in place to prevent unwanted pests from arriving unannounced.”
“Those wards can block angels?”
“An archangel can get through it, as can greater devils, but frankly, if one of those shows up, we have more to worry about than some busted anti-teleportation wards. I like living in a high security building as I don’t want my work following me home.”
After what had happened with Cathy, I understood all too well. “You have a very tempting sales pitch, Agent Bernard.”
“We’ll also get to spend your ma’s money, as I had accepted her dowry offer and insisted on a pay increase to make sure you’re well fed. You’re cranky when you’re hungry. Now that they’re gone, I thought I’d order something so we wouldn’t have to leave the room and put some innocent server at risk of becoming your next meal.”
I flushed. “I’m so sorry I beat you with my wings. Did I hurt you?”
“Not at all. I bet you could inflict a lot of damage with those wings of yours if you wanted, but you didn’t hit me hard. Thank you for not pecking me with that beak of yours, though. It’s like you have a knife attached to your face.”
“Dad can poke a hole through someone’s throat with his if he really wants.”
“That’s both terrifying and comforting.”
“Comforting? How so?”
“If anyone tries to hurt you, I know you can shift and poke holes in their throat. I find that very comforting.”
“Now you sound like my father.”
“That’s because a good man doesn’t need a contagious disease to want his woman capable of kicking the asses of anyone who might hurt her. I meant it. First thing we’re doing when we get back to New York is enrolling you in self-defense courses, and I’ll attend lessons with you. I’ll also take you to the gun range and start your lessons on handling firearms before FBI training so you won’t have to scramble as much to catch up. A month of self-defense and firearms training should be enough time to get you up to speed on the basics and get you used to handling a firearm.”
I had the feeling Kenneth had put a lot of thought into the near future, and I recognized he indulged in his protective instincts. When Dad worried about Ma or Mom, he did similar things, although my mothers rarely needed any help handling their problems.
Sometimes, I felt bad for my father, who had no chance in hell of coming out on top with an angel and a demoness around.
Still, my odd family worked, and I had no shame in wanting a man who’d try to fill the same roles my father did for both my mothers. I gave it a week before Kenneth drove me mad trying, which was the approximate frequency of incidents in my household. However much I was my father’s daughter, I had an equal blend of my mothers in me, which spelled trouble for Kenneth in all ways.
“I get pissy when I can’t dance, so I’m going to need at least an hour a day or someone might get hurt,” I warned.
“As I enjoy dancing, too, I have no problems with this arrangement, although I hope you’ll indulge in some swing dancing rather than prancing around on our toes all day. I watch ballerinas and get calf cramps trying to figure out how you do that throughout an entire performance.”
“Pain, suffering, dedication, and blood,” I replied.
Being infected with lycanthropy made the bleeding part problematic, although I’d learned to be aware of when I developed blisters and sores as a result of working too hard for my own good.
“We’re going to have to work on the bleeding part of that.”
“It doesn’t happen often, and nowadays, I heal almost as fast as they develop. It’s a useful side effect of being a lycanthrope.”
“I can work with that. Any other demands?”
“I tend to be inflexible about my budget, and when I overspend, the first thing I dip into is my food budget,” I confessed. “I’ll be eating noodles for the next month making up for this trip.”
“Not in my apartment you won’t. The food budget is officially my problem. You can be a stickler for the rest of the finances, but I refuse to let you starve yourself because you wanted a little luxury. Non-negotiable. I’m spoiled, and if I have to eat noodles for a month, I’ll kill somebody.”
Laughing, I shook my head. “You already have me moving into your apartment?”
As both of my mothers could be ruthless in entirely different ways, I worried he was right. “It seems I honk in my sleep.”
“Small price to pay to have my very own swancubus.”
“Swancubus? Really?”
“Part swan, part succubus, all mine.”
“What about the angel? I’m part angel, too.”
“Swangecubus doesn’t sound as nice. Neither does angswancubus. Swancubus has a nice ring to it.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re a bit weird?”
“From time to time. That’s also funny coming from a woman with two mothers.”
“Point,” I conceded. “Why me? Why not some other woman?”
“I don’t want some other woman. I want you. You caught my attention when you snorted pixie dust of all things, but after that? Every time I saw you, you were working so hard to make something of yourself without caring what others thought of you. To this day, I’ve never been able to figure out why you’d even want to use pixie dust in the first place.”
“It’s all Mom’s fault. She promised I’d have a good time and it wouldn’t hurt anything, and Mom’s a prankster, but she wouldn’t hurt me. On purpose, at least.”
“You know what I think?”
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you think?”
“I think you have a nosy ma who’d peeked into her daughter’s future to see who was in store for her. And since you’ve proven to be the type who need to be kicked out of the nest, she told your mom what I looked like and set up an elaborate scheme to ensure we met. Then, those two played the long game.”