by Adams Media
Rolls Off the Tongue
“I think the pain or pleasure factor of a beard comes down to the texture of a man’s hair and how much hair he has. A friend of mine is totally not bothered by her husband’s beard for any kind of fooling around. I, however, am not keen on it if my partner has facial hair, and would rather not be chafed, red, and sore between my legs the next day.” —Laura
She Fears Losing Her Bladder
Related to feeling out of control is the issue of female ejaculation. This phenomenon is often mistaken for a woman losing her bladder. She may freak out in thinking that she has just peed during her orgasm.
The solution: Reassure her that female ejaculation is nothing to worry about. The fluid emitted when she ejaculates, mostly due to G-spot stimulation, only contains traces of components of urine. It’s actually a prostatic-like fluid that’s expelled into the urethral canal by the glands and ducts of the female prostate. Female ejaculation happens to some women some of the time when they are incredibly turned on. It — and the mess it can make — should be seen as super sexy reactions and nothing else.
Rolls Off the Tongue
“For the first time in my life, I felt embarrassed about my body in front of my most recent boyfriend. So I broke up with him; I hated being in a relationship where I was uncomfortable with being naked. Although I am a middle-aged woman with a less-than-perfect body, I know that I am beautiful for who I am and what I am. I don’t think that he understood or appreciated that. It was important enough to me to end the relationship.” —Regina
She Fears Getting Naked
Inhibitions about her body and nudity can greatly impact her ability to be intimate with someone, let alone enjoy what’s going on. These issues can creep up at any point in her life for a whole host of reasons, like weight gain, the appearance of cellulite, or a partner’s negative reactions to her form.
The solution: The more reassurances you can give her about her figure and confirmation that it’s perfectly normal and healthy to get naked, the better her ability to shed not only her inhibitions, but her clothes as well.
Rolls Off the Tongue
“I used to have issues with my body when it came to stripping down naked. I don’t have huge boobs, and I have pretty wide, curvy hips and thighs, so I always thought I had the opposite of what men wanted. So I definitely never felt like a sexy woman. But then I was at a party one time and a guy — a famous rap star — said to me, ‘You are sexy.’ I was like, ‘Huh? Me? Seriously?’ And for some reason, that stuck in my head. Someone thought I was sexy. So, hey, maybe I was. From that day on, I decided I would start feeling sexier and amp up my confidence more. And the more confident I felt, the more people treated me like I was a sexy woman. And that translated into the bedroom.” —Sorah
Deeper Oral Sex Inhibitions
Whether as giver or receiver, people have lots of hang-ups about oral sex for a number of different reasons. In some cases, these can make it difficult for an individual to relax and let go and eventually experience the “big O.” For others, inhibitions make for an oral phobia, with cunnilingus viewed as dirty, taboo, or a total turn-off. Some of these can be alleviated in getting to know your partner and feeling comfortable together. A supportive, healthy, loving relationship can do wonders for any oral sex issues. Yet regardless of one’s relationship situation, there are situations that can lend themselves to a strong dislike or disgust of oral sex for men and women alike.
She’s Worried about Losing Control of Her Entire Being
There’s a great deal of vulnerability involved in having someone face to face with your groin, let alone making out with it, even when it’s a most trusted source. It can be incredibly hard to relax and let yourself surrender to having your sexual response in the spotlight. She may fear making noise, getting too active, emitting fluid, or simply being the star of the show. This may stem from negative messages she received about sex growing up, messages she was taught about what it means to be feminine, or that she’s not emotionally comfortable with the sex play at hand, her partner, or the relationship.
Rolls Off the Tongue
“I have to mentally give myself a pep talk when my lover goes down on me. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to relax, forget about life, and just enjoy being pampered. Then I have to clear my head in tuning into my physical reactions and allowing myself to ride them to orgasm without any distractions.” —Tina
Psychological Control
Sex is a head game more than anything, with your pleasuring boiling down to what’s going on between your ears more than what’s happening between her legs. Your mind can play games when it comes to oral efforts, especially if you’ve been raised with negative messages that oral sex is dirty or wrong, or you have trouble relinquishing control to a lover. Research has found, for example, that negative religious beliefs about oral sex restrain such sexual activity. Not being in a good or the “right” relationship can also get in the way of her being able to totally let go and enjoy the moment.
Reasons for the need to maintain psychological control during sex vary greatly, and may need to be explored with a certified sex therapist or counselor depending on her issues or yours. In the meantime, if either of your states of mind is controlling your ability to embrace oral, you need to learn to let go and replace negative thoughts with positive sexual affirmations. For example, she can replace an anti-oral thought with, “I deserve this kind of pleasure. It is wonderful and I will let myself succumb to it.” Or in psyching yourself up to give, you can formulate a mantra for yourself, like “Oral sex is good for my mind, body, soul, and relationship. I will let it be so.” Practice it on a regular basis.
Rolls Off the Tongue
“I remember something my brother once told me when I wasn’t sure if a guy was the right guy for me. He said, ‘Trust your body, your body knows if it is the right person.’ I thought that was really interesting and actually found it to run true with me. Your body does seem to open up and do all the right things when it is the right person, but doesn’t when it is the wrong person.” —Preethi
Is “Third Base” “Real” Sex?
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Bill Clinton sparked a firestorm of furious debate in explaining his relationship with Monica Lewinsky with this statement. In many ways, the matter at the heart of the contested issue has never been laid to rest. Is oral sex “sex”?
For a few gals — depending on religious convictions or values they’ve been raised with around sexual intimacy — wondering whether or not oral sex breaks the rules can be very distressing. This can be complicated by social pressure they feel from others to put out. They just clamp up. In many cases, they just need to be presented with a safe space in which to analyze the matter for themselves.
As is the case with mutual masturbation and other sexual activities, many people don’t see oral sex as “real” sex. It’s getting to “third base,” a step in sexual intimacy that used to be a big deal, but is now said to have become common as the good night kiss, at least among young people.
One Midwestern university study involving college students reported that the majority did not define oral sex as having “had sex.” (In a similar vein, only 19 percent thought the same about anal sex.) Females were likelier than males to hold that fellatio and cunnilingus were not “sex.” An earlier study by the Kinsey Institute found that while 99.5 percent of respondents held that intercourse is sex, only 40 percent saw oral sex as such. So what makes an oral sex act “sex” versus not?
This really boils down to personal opinion, and what a person stands to gain or lose in holding that oral sex is very much sex. After all, calling an oral exchange “sex” can impact one’s virginity status, decide whether or not adultery took place, or influence one’s perception of others, as well as the self. Research has found that a person’s definition of sex changes based on t
he consequences involved in labeling an act “sex,” and their perceptions of the sexual experience. Making matters all the more complicated is the fact that an individual’s definition of sex is not always consistent with his own behaviors of what classifies as “sex” or not. The definition gets “tweaked” in an individual’s hope to realize a positive result and advance his own interests, or, in the very least, not lose face.
Oral sex is likelier to be regarded as sex if it resulted in climax or if you’re the receiver (versus giver). What a person is thinking about during sex and who you’re talking to also influence one’s willingness to see oral action as sex. A person’s desire to expand his sexual resume, especially in making claim to “been there, done that” status, can impact his perceptions of oral classifying as sex. In clarifying what the oral action means to you and your partner, share your thoughts with your partner. This also helps the two of you to learn more about just how intimate this act is for either of you, whether with each other specifically or in the grander scheme of sex play generally (as people can have very different thoughts on the matter).
Rolls Off the Tongue
“There’s no way that I’d ever call oral sex real ‘sex’ because my number of sex partners would sky-rocket. I’ve only had intercourse with a few people, but owning up to my oral quests would make me look like a real slut. I don’t count those when I get asked about my number.” —Chris
Sexual Abuse
It’s very common for people — both men and women — who have been sexually violated to suffer from sexual repercussions later in life, though this is not the rule. Touch or certain sex acts can trigger memories and sensations resembling the abuse, stirring up feelings that majorly interfere with pleasure. Survivors may avoid or fear sex, see it as an obligation, experience negative feelings with touch, have trouble with arousal or feeling sensation, or feel distance or not be present, among a whole host of other difficulties. The after-effects of the trauma include fear, disempowerment, and distress, all of which shut down sexual response and interest. When sexual intimacy is managed, a survivor may experience numbness from unwanted touch. It’s not uncommon for a person to avoid sex or see it as an obligation, which kills any enjoyment to be had.
In healing from this ultimate violation of trust, affection, and privacy, a survivor needs to seek therapy and sexual healing, which involves reconnecting with the body in positive ways. These activities involve couples receiving love, respect, and appreciation. This process of reclaiming one’s sexuality as pleasurable and positive also involves introspective work, increased awareness of the self and body, developing positive attitudes towards sexuality, and acquiring new skills for touch and sexual sharing. It can take months or years, and is best done under the guidance of a counselor or therapist specializing in supporting survivors. This will require a great deal of patience for both of you, with the pleasures of oral sex to be had later versus sooner. Ultimately, both of you stand to reap the rewards in working through this healing process and the deeper understanding that can come out of it. Oral sex can be quite intimate, powerful, and incredible when it eventually happens.
Overcoming Sexual Aversions to Oral Sex
An aversion is an unconscious, negative physiological and emotional reaction due to a person having had bad experiences with a behavior or extremely unpleasant emotional experience. A person with an aversion has learned to associate those bad experiences or feelings with a task or situation, and, hence, has been conditioned to react at the mere thought of these events with anxiety, distress, and unhappiness. Aversions can also stem from lovers trying to meet each other’s emotional and sexual needs if this effort is associated with an unpleasant experience. These typically stem from a partner becoming physically and/or emotionally abusive, including putting pressure on a lover, or very sensitive when a need isn’t met to his or her satisfaction.
Sexual aversion can reach the point that engaging in sex acts one wants to avoid can suppress sexual response or make arousal and orgasm unpleasant when they occur. Symptoms include a fear of engaging in sexual intimacy, attempts to make the sex act as short as possible, trying to find excuses to avoid or postpone sexual intimacy, feeling ill and/or depressed just before or after sex, and needing to build up your confidence before sexual activity just to get through it. The experience is more of a panic attack than anything, with some actually experiencing such during intimacy.
For you or your lover to overcome an aversion, you must break the association of sex with the unpleasant emotional reaction and associate it with a state of relaxation. This begins with learning how to relax when you think about sex. Set aside fifteen minutes a day to sit by yourself, be comfortable, and think about the experiences you have had. Notice the feelings that come up. Now, instead of thinking about sex, redirect your thoughts to relaxing experiences, making an attempt to relax different muscle groups in your body. Start from the feet and slowly work your way up, giving yourself time to unwind. Once relaxed, think about sex again, only stay totally relaxed. Don’t think about the specific sex issue causing you distress, but imagine different aspects of sex, like your fantasies, noting your reactions. What acts hold appeal? Which ones do not? Remember to stay relaxed.
Write down what you learned about yourself. Which thoughts made it difficult versus easy to relax? Work through the ones causing you distress in future fifteen minute time-outs. Eventually, you’ll want to learn how to relax at the thought of oral sex. Your goal is to stop the unpleasant reactions from occurring when presented with the situation. You can do this by relaxing at the thought of it, extinguishing the aversive association. Eventually, you’ll want to relax yourself head to toe before an attempt to engage in oral sex. Note the feelings, relaxing your way through negative emotions that come up. These may prevent you from going all the way all at once and may take more than one attempt. Challenge yourself, but not to the point you’re causing yourself distress. Once you have learned to relax at the thought of oral sex, see what you’re capable of — and only after you and your partner have an understanding that you’re the one in charge.
How to Receive Pleasure
Whether overcoming sexual inhibitions or aversions, or simply wanting to improve your abilities to fully submerge yourselves in oral sex, there are some tricks of the trade you can both use to make every moment together more pleasurable.
Make Friends with Your Genitals
Don’t be afraid to “own” your genitals. They’re amazing and a part of you. So take the time to check them out, giving yourself positive affirmations for the sexual signature that is all yours. No two genitals are totally alike, and that uniqueness is part of the turn-on.
Pretend
Whether as giver or receiver, enjoy yourself, even if you have to fake it. Getting into the right frame of mind may be all you need in selling yourself on the act. You may even surprise yourself.
Masturbate
Become more comfortable with your sexual response and learn to turn yourself on — and become more orgasmic — via self-pleasuring. These private moments are vital in figuring out what works for you. This information can then be shared with your lover in maximizing the reactions to be had during oral exchanges.
Practice Your Kegels
Pelvic floor muscle exercises are well known for boosting your sexual responsiveness. This is in part because all of the major meridians that carry energy between the vital organs and body pass through the pelvic floor area in both sexes. Pelvic floor exercises help to strengthen the reproductive organs and the area’s tendons. Exercising your PC muscle, as it’s collectively known, increases blood in the groin, allowing for more sensations and reactions. So get started on a Kegel program.
Practice Patience
Guess what? She’s not going to climax if she obsesses about reaching orgasm. Help her become less goal-oriented. In receiving pleasure to the fullest, encourage her to enjoy the ride and not worry about the des
tination. It’s okay if there is no orgasm. It may or may not happen, and should not be seen as making or breaking an oral sex session. There are plenty of other factors to be enjoyed!
Essential
If your partner doesn’t reciprocate, keep your efforts sincere. If you give in order to receive, and not out of like or love, then that’s not going to help your cause. People tend to pick up on that energy and shut down. Oral sex shouldn’t be used as a trade-off or investment in your ultimate pleasuring.
Health and Relationship Benefits
It’s always good to know the health benefits to such sexual intimacy. These can themselves act as perfect excuses to lovers wanting to get it on, but feeling that they need a little permission to let go of inhibitions and oral away.
Sex, in general, is loaded with health and relationship benefits when your interactions with another are positive, informed, and healthy. And it’s not simply the sexologists and health advocates hailing the wonders of sex. Even economists have claimed that regular sex can bring people as much happiness as would a $50,000/year raise. The more sex, it’s said, the happier the individual.
Oral sex, in a safe context, can be a source of physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being. It can enhance your mind, body, and soul, offering:
Stress relief. Being sexually active counters body tension, with sexual response releasing the cuddle hormone oxytocin into your system. Oxytocin stimulates feelings of warmth and relaxation, bolstering your ability to respond to stress.