Unsold TV Pilots: The Greatest Shows You Never Saw

by Lee Goldberg

  Eva Gabor stars as a dispossessed woman of nobility who conies to America and is hired as a housekeeper by Mickey Shaughnessy, a basketball coach with two kids who knows nothing about culture or high society.

  Cast: Mickey Shaughnessy (as Mickey Brennan), Eva Gabor (Contessa Czigoina), Ann Marshall (Sissy Brennan), Bill St. John (Mike Brennan), John Fiedler (Arney Tanner), Michael Green (Butch Gorkey).

  104. Mixed Nuts. ABC 5/12/77. Mark Carliner Productions and Viacom Enterprises. Directors: Peter H. Hunt and Jerry Belson. Executive Producer: Mark Carliner. Producer: Michael Leeson. Writers: Jerry Belson and Michael Leeson. Creator: Jerry Belson.

  The lives and misadventures of the doctors and psychiatric patients at the Willow Center Hospital. In the pilot, the staff lets the patients choose where to go on a field trip-and they pick a singles bar.

  Cast: Zohra Lampert (as Dr. Sarah Allgood), Emory Bass (Dr. Folder), Dan Barrows (Bugs), Richard Karron (Logan), Morey Amsterdam (Moe), James Victor (Gato), Ed Begley, Jr. (Jamie), Conchata Ferrell (Nurse Cassidy).

  105. Mr. and Mrs. Dracula [Pilot #1]. ABC 9/5/80. 30 minutes. ABC Circle Films. Director: Doug Rogers. Executive Producer/Writer/ Creator: Robert Klane. Producer: Stanley Korey. Music: Ken Lauber.

  The Dracula family is forced by a villagers' uprising to move from their Transylvania castle to a New York apartment. The proposed series would have focused on their troubles adjusting to a new way of life.

  Cast: Dick Shawn (as Dracula), Carol Lawrence (Sonia Dracula), Gail Mayron (Minna Dracula), Anthony Battaglia (Sonny Dracula), Johnny Haymer (Gregor the Bat), Barry Gordon (Cousin Anton), Rick Aviles (Mario).

  105a. Mr. and Mrs. Dracula [Pilot #2]. ABC. 30 minutes. Marble Arch Productions and ABC Circle Films. Director: Doug Rogers. Executive Producer: Robert Klane. Producer: Stanton Corey. Creators: Dick Clement and Ian LaFranais.

  A reworking of the previous season's pilot. Dick Shawn is back as Dracula, who moves with his family from Transylvania to the South Bronx. Paula Prentiss replaces Carol Lawrence as Mrs. Dracula.

  106. My Wife Next Door. NBC 1974. 30 minutes. Concept 11 Productions. Producers: Bill Persky and Sam Denoff. Writer: Jerry Davis.

  A divorced couple (James Farentino and Julie Sommers) coincidentally move into adjoining apartments on the beach.

  107. My Wife Next Door. CBS 9/11/80. 30 minutes. Marble Arch Productions. Director: Bill Persky. Executive Producer: Martin Starger. Producers: Dick Clement, Ian LeFrenais, and Allan McKeown. Writers: Dick Clement and Ian LeFrenais.

  Based on the BBC sitcom. TV producer Lee Purcell and baseball player Granville Van Dusen just got a divorce-and now they discover they've inadvertently bought condominiums next door to each other. Bill Persky directed a flop pilot, also called My Wife Next Door, for NBC in 1975.

  Cast: Lee Purcell (as Lisa Paflick), Granville Van Dusen (Paul Gilmore), Desiree Brochetti (Jan Pallick), Michael Delano (Vinnie Messina), Frank Dant (Lionel), Phil Rubenstein (Artie).

  108. Off the Boat (aka Big Shots in America). NBC 6/20/85. 30 minutes. The Brillstein Company. Director: James Burrows. Executive Producers: Bernie Brillstein and Lorne Michaels. Writer: Alan Zweibel.

  From the creators and writers of Saturday Night Live comes this sitcom pilot that not coincidentally, has characters reminiscent of the "two wild and crazy guys" created by Dan Aykroyd and Steve Martin on the show. The proposed series would follow the comic misadventures of two immigrants—Jovan and Enci Shegula—from an unnamed Eastern European country who come to America and end up managing a Brooklyn apartment house.

  Cast: Joe Montegna (as Jovan Shegula), Keith Szarabajka (Enci Shegula), Dan Vitale (Dae), Christine Baranksi (Cara).

  109. Out of the Blue. CBS 8/12/68. 30 minutes Director: Sherman Marks. Producer/Writer: Sol Saks.

  Shirley Jones, Barry Dennen, Carl Ballantine, and Marvin Kaplan are aliens from an overpopulated planet who come to Earth to see whether or not they should move some of their people here. They befriend a physics professor living in Hollywood (John McMartin), who helps them understand our often confusing world.

  Cast: Shirley Jones (as Dr. Aphrodite), John McMartin (Professor Josh Enders), Carl Ballantine (Claude), Marvin Kaplan (Ethel), Barry Dennen (Solly), Richard Erdman (Murphy), Nydia Westman (Woman), Richard Jury (Man), John Hubbard (Captain), Rick Richards (Private).

  110. Poor Richard (aka The George Hamilton Show). CBS 1/21/84. 30 minutes. MGM /UA Television. Director: Rod Daniel. Executive Producer: Jerry Weintraub. Producers: Tim Berry and Hal Dresner. Writer: Hal Dresner. Music: Craig Safan.

  George Hamilton is a millionaire who squanders his fortune and is forced to fire his servants and sell his mansion. He's standing alone in his mansion when the new owners—a Beverly Hillbillies-type family that made a fortune on a new pig feed—arrive and mistake him for the butler. He plays along, hiding his true identity from his employers and his friends—who think he's still the wealthy master of the house.

  Cast: George Hamilton (as Rich Manning), Geoffrey Lewis (Rudy Hopper), Alley Mills (Terry), Cynthia Sikes (Vicki), Nancy Stafford (Randi), John Hunsaker (Jimmy), Glynn Turman (Jonathan).

  111. S.A.M. ABC 1971. MGM Television. Producer/Writer: James Komack.

  The title means "Stories About Men." It’s also the first name of the hero, a guy (played by Paul Sand) in the Public Works Department at City Hall who arbitrates the opinionated battles between his coworkers, neighbors, and people on the street.

  112. The Secret Life of James Thurber (aka The Secret Life of John Monroe). NBC 6/8/59. 30 minutes. Screen Gems. Director: James Sheldon. Producer: Jules Goldstone. Writer: Mel Shavelson, from the stories by James Thurber.

  Aired as the "Christabel" episode of Alcoa /Goodyear Theatre. Arthur O'Connell is magazine writer and cartoonist John Monroe who often escapes into the fantasy world of his drawings—which came alive through animation by UPA Pictures. In the pilot, Monroe's daughter's dog Christabel dies. Although this didn't sell, another pilot was made in 1961 called The Secret Life of James Thurber, this time starring Orson Bean. lt, too, failed to spawn a series. A decade later, however, Thurber's life and tales became the basis for My World and Welcome to It, starring William Windom as John Monroe, Joan Hotchkis as his wife Ellen, Lisa Gerristen as daughter Lydia. The highly acclaimed last-named series, produced by Sheldon Leonard and Danny Arnold, mixed animation and live action and survived for a single season.

  Cast: Arthur O'Connell (as John Monroe), Georgann Johnson (Ellen Monroe), Susan Gordon (Lydia Monroe), Charles Herbert (Charlie), Dabbs Greer (Policeman).

  112a. The Secret Life of James Thurber [Pilot #2]. CBS 3/20/61. 60 minutes. Four Star.

  Aired as an episode of The June Allyson Show. Orson Bean played James Thurber, here a magazine writer and cartoonist who often slips into a fantasy world populated by his drawings, which come to life. Adolphe Menjou costarred. This was another attempt at adapting the Thurber stories and artwork to a television series. The first, the 1959 pilot Secret Life of John Monroe, starred Arthur O'Connell.

  113. Sgt. T.K. Yu. NBC 4/10/79. 30 minutes. Hanna-Barbera Productions. Director: Paul Stanley. Executive Producer: Joseph Barbera. Producer: Terry Morse, Jr. Writer: Gordon Dawson.

  Real-life Korean-born standup comic Johnny Yune is a Korean L.A.P.D. detective who works part-time as a standup comic. Writer Dawson later would create and produce Bret Maverick.

  Cast: Johnny Yune (as Sgt. T.K. Yu), Marty Brill (Sam Palfy), John Lehne (Lt. Robert Ridge).

  114. Silver Springs (aka Mike and the Mermaid). ABC 1/5/68. 30 minutes. Robert Maxwell Productions. Producer: Rudy Abel.

  Aired as an episode of Off to See the Wizard. A boy, living with his parents and his grandfather, meets a mermaid who followed a school of fish into Florida waters and now can't find her way home.

  Cast: Kevin Brodie (as Mike Malone), Jerri Lynn Fraser (Mermaid), Med Flory (Jim Malone), Rachel Ames (Nellie Malone), also, Dan Tompkins.

  115. Starstruck. CBS 6/9/79. 30 minutes. Herbert B. Leonard Pr
oductions. Director: Al Viola. Executive Producer: Herbert B. Leonard. Producer: Bob Kiger. Writer/Creator: Arthur Kopit.

  The misadventures of a family operating an orbiting space station restaurant—the only place in the galaxy that still makes apple pie. The family includes widower Ebeneezer McCallister, whose ancestors helped settle California; his stoic mother Abigail; his 172-year-old great-great great-great grandfather Ezra: and his three children. There are also two robots, Hudson and Bridges, who are in love with each other. The envisioned series would focus on the family and the bizarre assortment of aliens who visit their galactic diner.

  Cast: Beeson Carroll (as Ebeneezer McCallister), Tania Myren (Kate McCallister), Meegan King (Mark McCallister), Kevin Brando (Rupert McCallister), Guy Raymond (Ezra McCallister), Elvia Allman (Abigail McCallister), Lynne Lipton (Amber LaRue), Sarah Kennedy (Delight), Robin Strand (Chance), Joe Silver (Max), Roy Brocksmith (Orthwaite Frodo), Herb Kaplowitz (Dark), Robert Short (Hudson), Buddy Douglas (Mrs. Bridges), J.C. Wells (Tashko), Chris Wales (Mary-John), Cynthia Latham (Madame Dumont).

  116. Stick Around. ABC 5/30/77. 30 minutes. Humble Productions and T.A.T. Communications. Director: Bill Hobin. Producers/Writers: Fred Freeman and Lawrence J. Cohen.

  An attempt at a live-action Jetsons with Fred McCarren and Nancy New as a typical married couple in the year 2055. In the pilot, they fight over whether to trade in their out-dated robot Andy (Andy Kaufman) for a new one.

  Cast: Nancy New (as Elaine Keefer), Fred McCarren (Vance Keefer), Andy Kaufman (Andy), Cliff Norton (Joe Burkus), Craig Richard Nelson (Earl), Jeffrey Kramer (Ed), Liberty Williams (Lisa), Priscilla Morrill (Customer).

  117. Take Me to Your Leader. ABC 1964. 30 minutes. MGM Television

  The story of two aliens from Venus who come to earth, meet an inventor, and go into business with him selling to unknowing earthlings products created for another planet.

  118. There Goes the Neighborhood. NBC 6/4/83. 30 minutes. Saul Ilson Productions and Columbia Pictures Television. Director: Dick Martin. Executive Producer: Saul Ilson. Writer: David Duclon.

  Buddy Hackett, G.W. Bailey, and Patrick Collins are three hobos who inherit the estate of a Bel Air millionaire, and proceed to shock and embarrass the dead man's servants, family, and neighbors. The hobos hire a business manager (Graham Jarvis) who watches out for them, to the dismay of his snobbish wife (Sue Ann Gilfillan). In the book The Sweeps, it’s reported that the pilot was killed by Hackett, who was funny during rehearsals but "froze up" when the cameras started rolling, so that his "screwball attitude congealed into a stilted, painful tightness that brought the entire production down around him." The show was "written off as a $500,000 bath."

  Cast: Buddy Hackett (as Boxcar), Patrick Collins (The Kid), G.W. Bailey (Barney), Graham Jarvis (Milton Crocker), William Glover (Filkins), Sue Ann Gilfillan (Hortense Crocker), Keene Curtis (Charles Hawthorne).

  119. 13 13th Avenue. CBS 8/15/83. 30 minutes. Paramount Television. Director: John Bowab. Executive Producer: Chris Thompson. Producers: Lenny Ripps and Don Van Atta. Writer: Lenny Ripps. Music: Michel Rubini.

  The misadventures of a widower (A.C. Weary) and his son (Wil Wheaton), who move into a Greenwich Village apartment building inhabited by a model who's a witch (Ilene Graff), a C.P.A. who's a werewolf (Robert Harper), a lawyer who's a vampire (Paul Kreppel), a superintendent who's a troll (Ernie Sabella), and their psychiatrist (Clive Revill).

  Cast: Clive Revill (as Dr. Carey), Ilene Graff (Melinda York), Paul Kreppel (Roland Keats), Robert Harper (Mary Hoberman), Ernie Sabella (Vlastock Spoltechzep), A.C. Weary (Jack Gordon), Wil Wheaton (Willie Gordon), Elizabeth Savage (Joan Arthur), Stanley Brock (Mr. Epstein).

  120. Tickets, Please. CBS 9/6/88. 30 minutes. Walt Disney Television and Charlie Peters Films. Director: Art Dielhenn. Executive Producers: Charlie Peters and Bill Dial. Producer: George Sunga. Writer/Creator: Charlie Peters. Music: David Benoit.

  Aired as a segment of CBS Summer Playhouse. An ensemble comedy revolving around the regular riders of a New York commuter train "club car." Cleavon Little is the bartender who runs the car, Yeardley Smith is a law student working as a ticket-taker, David Marciano the conductor, Marcia Strassman a divorced lawyer with a teenager daughter, Barbara Howard an actress, and Bill Macy a pesticide executive.

  Cast: Cleavon Little (as "Bake" Baker), David Marciano (Sal Bernardini), Yeardley Smith (Paula Bennett), Marcia Strassman (Elaine), Bill Macy (Sam), Harold Gould (Jack), Joe Guzaldo (Ted), Barbara Howard (Ginger).

  121. Where's Everett? CBS 4/18/66. 30 minutes. Screen Gems and Proctor & Gamble Productions. Director: Gene Nelson. Producer/Writer: Ed Simmons. Music: Frank DeVol.

  Alan Alda is a young father who goes to get the morning paper and finds that an invisible baby has been left on his doorstep by an alien family, which his wife and kids gladly adopt and name Everett.

  Cast: Alan Alda (as Arnold Barker), Patricia Smith (Sylvia Barker), Doreen Miller (Lizzie Barker), Nicolas Coster (Dr. Paul Jellico), Frank DeVol (Murdock), Robert Cleaves (Milkman).

  122. Which Way to the Mecca, Jack? Independent 1965. 30 minutes. Producer: Harry Ackerman. Writer: William Peter Blatty.

  Based on Blatty's book about a Middle East king who is a swinger and uses American aid to build his harem, to the consternation of the U.S. emissary who is supposed to control the money. This is a variation on Blatty's 1964 movie John Goldfarb, Please Come Home, starring Shirley MacLaine, Richard Crenna and Peter Ustinov.

  123. Yazoo (aka Wizzle Falls). NBC 1984. 30 minutes. Carson Productions. Director: Perry Rosemond. Executive Producer: April Kelly. Producers: Jim Gentry and Dave Pavelonis. Writers: Jeff Franklin and April Kelly.

  William Conrad is a widowed journalist who goes fishing one day, falls asleep in the boat, and wakes up in a magical world called Yazoo, populated by the Peppercorn Puppets. Although he can leave, he finds contentment there. The proposed series would follow him as he learns about their world, and they learn about his. The original concept had him crashing his single-engine plane in the mystery land, then dubbed Wizzle Falls.

  GHOSTS, ANGELS AND DEVILS

  Some high concepts keep repeating themselves—particularly those involving robots, extraterrestrials, ghosts, and wacky animals.

  The annals of television are bursting with concepts about ghosts returning to haunt their newlywedded spouses, about robots that develop minds of their own, about kindly extraterrestrials pursued by evil humans, about angels coming to help their errant mortal charges, and about lovable pets who are more human than their owners.

  What they all have in common is that as often as they fail, they also succeed. So take a good look at these flops—because no matter how familiar they are, how disastrously they failed, or how ridiculous they seem, the concept is bound to return ... and return.

  124. After George. CBS 6/6/83. 30 minutes. Humble Productions and MGM Television. Director: Linda Day. Producers: Fred Freeman and Lawrence J. Cohen. Writers: Dennis Danziger and Ellen Sandler. Music: James DiPasquale.

  Susan Saint James stars as a widow who discovers that her late husband, who died in a car accident, programmed his personality into the computer that operates their house.

  Cast: Susan Saint James (as Susan Roberts), Joel Brooks (Cal Sloan), Susan Ruttan (Marge), Allyn Ann McLerie (Rose), Richard Schaal ice of George), John Reilly (Walt), George Pentecost (Frank), Steve Anderson (Charles).

  125. Back Together. CBS 1/25/84. 30 minutes. Chagrin Productions and Lorimar Productions. Director: Peter Bonerz. Executive Producer/ Writer: Charlie Hauck. Music: David Franco and Willie Wilkerson.

  Herkie Burke is dead, but an administrative foul-up in heaven prevents him from passing through the Pearly Gates. He chooses to wait things out with his old college friends, the Harringtons, who aren't wild about having a ghost in the house—especially one who doesn't care how he behaves since there's nothing to lose, he's dead anyway.

  Cast: Paul Provenza (as Herkie Burke), Jamie Widdoes (Elliot Harrington), G
race Harrison (Anne Harrington), Lisa Jane Persky (Dora Holloway), Richard Hamilton (Mr. Christopher), Mina Kolb (Mrs. Burke).

  126. Barnaby (aka Mr. O'Malley). CBS 12/20/59. 30 minutes. Director: Sherman Marks. Producer: Stanley Rubin. Writer: Louis Pelletier.

  Aired as an episode of G.E. Theatre, this was based on Crochett Johnson's comic strip Barnaby and Mr. O’Malley. A young boy (Ron Howard) wishes for a fairy godmother, and gets a cigar-smoking fairy godfather (Bert Lahr) instead.

  Cast: Bert Lahr (as Mr. O'Malley), Ron Howard (Barnaby Baxter), June Dayton (Alice Baxter), William Redfield (George Baxter), Mel Blanc (The Leprechaun Voice), Don Beddoe (Dr. Harvey), Debbie Mcgowan (Janie).