by Alyx X
He breathed in noisily then blew a long breath out. “Izon, you stink of sex.”
Remorse filled me. “I almost bit Tessa,” I said softly, my gaze still on the water. I didn’t want to see the reproach in Dyan’s eyes. “I nearly gave her my bite.”
He laughed quietly, and there was no surprise in the sound. Just a note of inevitability. “Ize, I don’t know why you can’t see it. Everyone else can. You’re clearly attracted to her—and she is to you. You’re so compatible. I’m not surprised your dragon wanted her, and you shouldn’t be surprised either.”
I sighed and shook my head. “You’re full of even more crap than usual in the middle of the night, apparently.”
“For fuck’s sake. Will you just be honest with yourself?” He took a breath and lowered his voice. “I mean, isn’t it time you give yourself permission to move on?”
I stilled. “But Lyra—”
He touched my arm. “She’s gone, man, and she wouldn’t begrudge you happiness.”
“It’s too soon.” My words were a whispered plea.
“Sometimes—” Dyan hesitated. Then he seemed to make up his mind to just go for it and say whatever he was thinking, even if he also believed I didn’t want to hear it. “Sometimes I’m not sure you get to decide the timeframe. Look, the kids all love her. Even Jari loves her, and if you needed any sort of permission from anyone, that must come pretty close? You all need her—even you, Your Majesty. You just need to allow yourself to accept this.”
I finally turned to look at him.
“It really is this simple,” he said.
14
Tessa
We sat in the library, but we weren’t studying. We gravitated to this room for most activities on the schedule. The children were comfortable either studying at the large table or relaxing on the oversized couch, and I got the impression Dyan was most comfortable in his chair or guarding these four walls. I could also open the double doors into the gardens if the children got too restless, so it worked pretty well.
Luka was playing sleepily with a fistful of my hair, and Vike was reading to me from one of his books his tutor had left him to practice with. I was only half listening, and my gaze kept wandering from the overly large words on his page. Izon filled nearly every thought in my head.
He’d been gone when I woke up in his bed, in his private wing, and I’d gathered my dress and scurried to my room before the sun rose. I had been worried that the children wouldn’t find me where they expected me to be. Or worse, found me in their father’s wing.
Shit. I needed to be in my bed. Possibly asleep. But who was I kidding? There was no way I could sleep when every nerve ending in my body still tingled from Izon’s touch.
I closed my eyes as I listened to Vike as he read. Pretending to participate would have to come close enough. My mind whirled with thoughts. Where had Izon gone? His side of the bed had been cold when I woke, so he must have been gone for a while.
A whisper of desertion breezed through me, and I tried to squash the feeling. Of course Izon hadn’t deserted me. He just had an early morning meeting. Kings were busy people. At least, that was the impression he gave.
Only, Izon hadn’t just gone to an early morning meeting. He’d gone away for days of meetings, and he hadn’t even said goodbye. Three days of keeping strictly to the children’s schedule and smiling on command had brought me to this moment, holding a sleepy baby and only lending half of my concentration to the child learning to read.
Despite the time that had passed, whenever I tried to fully concentrate I remembered Izon’s and my night together and the things he’d made me feel.
I held in a sigh. I didn’t do casual sex. I’d never had sex like that. I’d only had one other partner, one other guy, and he was nothing like Izon. Nothing like him at all. And what we’d shared—what I’d given willingly to Izon—meant something to me, and I’d trusted him.
I let the sigh out, and Jari looked up from her spot on the rug.
“You okay, Tessa?”
I nodded. “Sure.” I smiled, but the movement was mechanical and Jari narrowed her eyes, assessing me.
“Really?”
“I’m a little tired,” I conceded.
When Jari didn’t believe something, she didn’t let it go, so I gave her a little of the truth to avoid further questions. Because it was true. I was tired, angry, hurt.
I watched Vike a little longer, his finger moving under the words as he sounded out each letter. Occasionally, I stepped in with a correction, but for the most part he had it down. I was sure I couldn’t read as well as him when I was four; I glanced around the library. Privilege probably helped, but it didn’t explain everything about these three kiddos. They were genuinely lovely to be around.
“Tessa?”
My eyes snapped open. Shit. When had I grown so comfortable I’d fallen asleep? And I was supposed to be watching the children. My nap was certainly not on their schedule. Dyan chuckled from his position against the wall. Crap. When had he moved from the chair? My cheeks warmed, and he chuckled again.
“No worries. I got you,” he murmured.
That man missed nothing.
“Tessa?” The voice that had woken me called my name again.
I looked toward the doorway.
“Hey, Gabby.” I smiled and swallowed. Ugh. My mouth felt like someone had stuffed an old sock in there. I glanced down at Vike. “Did I snore?” I whispered.
Dyan’s chuckle carried across the room. He really did miss nothing.
Gabby crossed the room. “A communication has arrived for you.” She handed me a folded piece of paper. It was sealed with a stitched string along the top.
I looked at it and flipped it over, then I looked back at Gabby and shrugged.
She shrugged in reply, so I looked at the communication again. Who’d send me anything? Who even knew I was here besides some nurse in the hospital where I’d left Mom?
Maybe that was it. I shifted Luke gently so I could open the communication, but my hands trembled so I held it out to Gabby. “Can you open it for me?”
“Do you know what it is?” Curiosity rang in her tone, and Dyan sent her a mild look of disapproval.
I shook my head. “I don’t know who knows I’m here except some staff members at the hospital.”
“It’s a communication from the Terran Program,” Dyan said.
I glanced at him.
“I’ve seen them before.” He shrugged. “They always look like that.”
“How come I’ve never had one?” Gabby sounded almost accusatory, and I grinned.
Dyan shrugged again. “Maybe they haven’t got anything to say to you.” Then he turned to look out of the window, apparently disinterested. I knew he was actually scanning the gardens, checking for intruders.
It was part of his usual routine, the one he never let slide, ever—almost like it was a software program, constantly running beneath every other thing he said or did. His work never stopped, never got interrupted. And that consistency soothed me.
I’d never seen a physical communication before, so I watched as Gabby undid the knot at one end of the stitching and pulled the thread until it slid free, making a whispering noise as it did. Then she unfolded the paper.
“It is from the Terran Program!”
“You sound surprised,” Dyan said drily, his attention still out the window.
“Oh, um…” But she didn’t answer him. Instead, she scanned the contents of the comm. “They said your mother has had her surgery, and it was successful.”
Sudden tears sprang to my eyes and I covered my mouth to stifle a sob.
“Is that how you usually break news to people, Gabby?” Dyan turned to face her this time.
“What? What did I do? That’s what it says.” She flourished the paper in his direction like she needed to prove her words.
“I’m okay. I’m okay.” But my words came out strangled. “Did they say anything else?”
“Uh, nope
. But they sent this.” Gabby handed me a rectangular piece of metal about the length and width of my thumb.
“Do they say what it is?” I turned it over, but it didn’t have any instructions. Though, it was clearly property of the Terran Project.
Gabby pulled the corners of her mouth down. “No idea, but Smartass over there probably knows.” She jerked her thumb toward Dyan.
“It’s a vid disk.” He sounded bored now. But he sounded that way a lot.
I turned the metal over again. “Huh.” I looked at my ident. There was no way these two things were compatible.
Dyan held out a device. “You can watch it on here.”
I hesitated.
“You can step out for some privacy,” he murmured.
“Thank you.” My nerves jangled. “Is this normal? I expected them to push any new information to my ident.”
He shrugged. “It’s the Terran Program. I have no idea what their version of normal is.”
He had a point. But I hesitated still.
“Look, the disk goes in here.” He indicated a small slot. It will play the content by itself once it’s loaded. Just stand outside the room, if you like. Gabby and I will stay with the kids.”
Gabby shot him a glare but nodded. “Anything you need, Tessa.”
“Okay. Thank you. I held Luke against my chest as I stood, then handed him to Gabby and accepted Dyan’s device.
“No looking at my stored images,” he joked, and I tried to smile in return.
The air in the entryway was cooler and no one was around, but I still faced the wall as I slipped the metal disk into the slot Dyan had shown me in his device.
For a moment, nothing happened, but then Mom’s face filled the screen, and I gasped, fumbling my hold on the device.
“Hello Tess,” she said, and my tears were immediate.
I hadn’t heard her voice in such a long time, and I had expected never to hear it again. My vision blurred, but I blinked it away, desperate to see Mom’s face. Then I pressed my fingers tight against my mouth to prevent the sob in my throat from escaping, sucking in a noisy breath through my nose. My chest grew tight with the effort as Mom continued speaking.
“I know what you did.” Her mouth turned up in her familiar sad smile.
I rarely saw any smile but that one, as if everything in her life was tainted by a depth of sadness I couldn’t begin to understand.
“And I want you to know how much I love you, how grateful I am, and also how sorry I am.” She paused and swiped at her eyes. “You’re far away now, but I hope to see you again someday. Thank you, Tessa. Thank you so much for loving me as much as you do. I hope you’ve somehow found your way to a better life.” She paused again and swallowed. “I hope so many things for you—all the things you deserve. I will never stop loving you, no matter what.”
The video cut off abruptly, and in that moment I lost her all over again. My sobs broke loose, and I couldn’t control the sound of anguish that came from me. It echoed across the tile and up into the high ceiling.
Suddenly, strong arms pulled me into a hug, and my face pressed against a solid wall of chest as tears ran unchecked down my cheeks.
Izon stroked my hair, and his voice rumbled soft and low. “Everything’s okay, Tessa. I’ve got you.” He held me steady, holding me together when I would have curled into a tiny ball on the floor.
My heart was breaking again from a loss I thought I’d already dealt with.
I didn’t say anything, but Izon spoke again.
“And if it isn’t okay, I’ll make it so.” He spoke the words with such confidence and simplicity that I almost choked on a giggle.
Possibly only a king would believe he could make everything all right before he even knew what was wrong. I pressed myself closer to him, seeking heat and comfort. He provided it by wrapping me closer. Gradually my tears slowed to stop, although I still hiccupped a sob now and again. My eyes ached, and they felt tight to look through.
I held out Dyan’s device. “Can you return this to Dyan? He let me watch the message from my Mom on it.”
He nodded, and his fingers brushed mine as he took it from me. “Gladly. Do you want some time to freshen up?”
I chuckled without humor, sure I looked like something from a horror movie. “That would be good, thank you.”
He stood awkwardly watching me, like he was unsure what to do now that the initial crisis had passed.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I turned and headed for the staff staircase to my room.
When I returned to the library, I’d brushed my hair and washed my face, but grief still sat heavy on my chest. Only Dyan and Izon were in the library with the children, and Izon appeared to be helping Jari with some more math.
Dyan sent a quick glance my way, but nothing meaningful or intrusive. Still, it was Dyan—his entire job was about assessing situations in mere moments, so I had no doubt that he had surmised my pain in that quick two second glance. He probably saw right through me and even noted how many pieces my heart had broken into.
Vike slammed into me in his usual tackle hug style. “You missed the end of my story,” he declared.
I smiled, and I was quite sure it was Mom’s trademark sad smile on my face, but hopefully Vike wouldn’t notice. “Can you read it to me now?”
He sighed, the gesture theatrical and wise beyond his years. “I already read it to Gabby, though.”
“Good. You should be excellent now you’ve practiced. Fetch the book, please.”
Vike sighed again but complied, and I ruffled his shock of hair as he darted away. At my touch, he turned back and threw his arms around me. Affection rose in my chest, nearly bringing a fresh wave of tears.
For the rest of the day, Izon ran interference with his children, never letting them ask too much from me. For the first time since I’d arrived, their usual schedule lapsed into something more relaxed.
Vike read on and off, pleased to show off his new and emerging skills, and Jari studied before curling up with her device in a private corner. Luka grizzled and nothing made him happy, but Izon left the room and returned with a tube of paste.
“This is for his gums,” he said as he squeezed a blob onto his forefinger. “You don’t need any more than this but be careful because his fangs are sharpening already.” He pushed his finger gently into Luka’s mouth and rubbed it around.
The relief seemed instant, because Luka immediately settled against me and grabbed his usual fist of hair to clutch as he fell asleep. Being here, with this beautiful child in my arms, feeling the tentative glances from Izon...I could almost forget my pain.
“Goodnight, Jari.” I stepped from her room and closed the door softly behind me before peeking into Luka and Vike’s bedrooms. They were both asleep, their little faces smushed into funny shapes against the pillows, and I smiled. As heavy as my heart had grown earlier, the sight and presence of these three children lightened it.
I headed to my room and found Izon standing outside my door. My steps slowed.
“How are you?” His soft voice was full of concern, but I still felt on my guard. It was strange to see him back here.
“I’m fine, thank you.” As I stepped inside my bedroom, he shifted like he might try to follow me, and I turned around. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, and maybe now was the time to be honest and prevent any more confusion.
I placed my hand on his chest and he stepped back, a look of confusion on his face. “I think we need to talk.” Maybe those words were as ominous on Hydronia as they were on Earth, because he simply nodded.
“I don’t do casual sex.” I didn’t know how to qualify the statement, but I raced on anyway. “I mean, on Earth my only long-term relationship was long before I came here. When I share my body, I do it intentionally. Anything else makes me feel used.” He nodded like he understood.
He brushed my fingers with his but stopped short of taking my hand.
The touch emboldened me. “I especially can�
�t do casual sex with you, because I feel like I’ve grown to care for you. Mixing those feelings with how I already feel about sex could be a disaster.” I glanced at the floor. I just needed to get the words out. Usually I wouldn’t have a problem saying exactly what I thought, but the message from Mom had left me feeling brittle. “I think now might be the time to reflect on what you want from me. If I’m just the nanny, I should just be the nanny. And I love being the children’s nanny. I love them. And if that’s how you feel, I’ll do the job I came here to do. Your house will run smoothly, and I’ll have saved my mother. But if you want a partner... someone to love you as well as the children, then I need you to really think. Consider your feelings, sort through them, and let me know.”
He opened his mouth, his brow furrowed, before he just sighed and pressed his lips back together without speaking at all. Hopefully I hadn’t already ruined whatever was between us.
“Goodnight, Izon.” I stood on my tiptoes and he lowered his head, allowing me to press a kiss to his cheek before I stepped inside my room and closed the door.
After a moment or two, I locked it as well.
15
Izon
Nothing was right. The bed was too lumpy, the pillows too soft, the breeze too loud as it came through the open window, and the air was too hot. I sighed and rolled over again, the entire mattress shifting as I heaved my body’s full weight around. I thumped my pillow again then packed it into a strange, tight mound.
Tessa’s words circled around and around in my head, that and the look in her eyes as they almost begged me to understand. Maybe she feared for her job, but no. It felt like more than that. Her words had been a plea for me to sort my shit out.
I sighed, the sound long and agitated. The idea that Tessa didn’t share her body easily appealed to my ego. It even aroused me all over again, so I chose not to dwell on it. I didn’t want to lie here awake with too many thoughts, and frustrated. How Dyan would laugh at that idea, especially after our talk the other evening.