by Alyx X
But he was also very protective of Tessa. Maybe he’d cheerfully give me a kick up the ass on her behalf.
As I pondered Tessa, my thoughts slid naturally to Lyra, and her last moments alive. She’d held Luka, newborn and tiny against her breast like she knew she was going. Luka’s eyes had been big and wide, and focused only on her. Perhaps he knew her time was short, too. Maybe I was the only one in that room who hadn’t known.
I could barely remember her voice now, but her words had imprinted themselves on my brain.
Promise me you’ll always be happy.
She’d looked at me, and I’d glanced between her and the new baby, a bubble of joy in my chest.
“I couldn’t be happier,” I assured her.
“Promise me?”
“I promise we’ll always be happy.” I’d said it so flippantly, but maybe I hadn’t grasped her full meaning. I thought she meant all of us—the entire family. Not just me and the children.
But now in this dark bedroom where I struggled to latch onto sleep, her words took on new meaning. Even then, her thoughts had been for me, for her children. She’d wanted to know we’d be happy. I’d promised it.
Maybe she’d foreseen a situation like this, where I’d need to confront the decision to move on without her.
A small wail pierced my quiet, and ordinarily I would have cursed my sensitive hearing, but tonight I welcomed the opportunity to go to my child. If I hurried, I’d even reach him before he disturbed Tessa.
I opened the door of his room on soundless hinges, and I crept into the cozy space.
“Hey, Luka,” I murmured. “Daddy’s here. Everything’s okay. I’ve got you.” I reached into his crib and scooped him into my arms.
Above us, his nightlight sent pastel ripples of light across the ceiling, creating an underwater grotto for him to sleep in. A speaker in the corner of the room played soft wave noises.
“What are you doing awake, my littlest guy?” I checked all of the usual reasons he might be awake then sank into his nursing chair. “Can’t sleep? Yeah, me neither.”
A red light blinked on the monitor connecting his room to Tessa’s, and I reached over and flicked the power off. No point in waking Tessa with my chatter when my intention had been to let her sleep.
“Bonus time with you?” I gazed into Luka’s very serious eyes as I spoke, and he grinned, lifting both feet into the air. “Let’s see if we can’t get you back to sleep, though. It’s not playtime.” I bounced my arm gently, swaying him.
He babbled something, and I smiled, trying not to make eye contact with him. Even I knew that was the death of many attempting to put a child back to sleep.
Luka had been a lot calmer since Tessa arrived in his life. Perhaps that was because she looked so much like Lyra, and she was familiar to him on a level he didn’t recognize. He’d certainly taken to her right away. Or maybe it was simply as I’d hoped, and a consistent nanny was a settling presence.
“Daddy?”
I glanced at the partially open door to see Vike standing there, rubbing his eyes with his fist. He’d tucked his favorite blue-scaled dragon toy under his arm, and he’d dragged his comforter with him.
I grinned. “What are you doing, little guy?” I opened my free arm, welcoming him into my lap.
“I heard you talking to Luka.” He crossed the room, still trailing his comforter behind him and climbed up into my lap.
I pulled his comforter across the two of us and lifted Luka free of the excessive warmth. “You okay? I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Sometimes I forgot the children’s hearing grew sharper by the day.
He nodded sleepily and yawned as he curled against me. I glanced down at his mass of hair before dropping a kiss on top of his head. It had been too long since I’d just stopped to hold my kids. And this really did feel like bonus time with them. Luka wouldn’t hold onto his baby scent much longer, the sweetness on his skin, and Vike would quickly grow too big to snuggle. I needed more moments like this.
I pushed the chair gently with my feet, just barely rocking the three of us, and my eyes started to drift closed with the motion. Vike was a secure bundle under one arm, Luka in the other, and we were all so warm pressed up together.
But something felt wrong. Incomplete.
“Daddy?”
My eyes sprang open at the quiet voice from the door. As if conjured by my thoughts of something missing, Jari stood there, barely inside the room.
I shifted Luka to my shoulder and made a space. “Looks like my lap just opened up.” I grinned at her as I whispered.
She hesitated, longing in her eyes. “I’m getting pretty big, Dad,” she chided.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “But there’s different rules at nighttime, even for eleven-year-olds.”
“Come and sit with us, Jari,” Vike mumbled sleepily, before he put his thumb back in his mouth and closed his eyes.
“If Luka were awake, it’d be three against one,” I assured her.
She rolled her eyes. “I still think I’m too big.”
I tried a different tack. “You are getting pretty big,” I agreed. “And soon, you’ll be too big. But you’re not too big right now, and you’ll always be my baby.”
She took a step forward then scurried the rest of the way and curled herself into the space I’d created just for her.
I rearranged Luka’s position and eased Vike back a little. “See?” I murmured. “Perfect fit. We all fit together just right.”
She nodded her head slowly as she relaxed against me, and her weight soothed me. All of my children were exactly where they belonged.
I pressed a kiss to her head as I had to Vike’s earlier, and her shoulders trembled.
“Jari?” I smoothed my free hand down her back. “Why aren’t you asleep?”
Her shoulders shook a little harder, but she said nothing.
“Jari?” I murmured. “You know you can tell me anything at all.”
She shook her head and pressed her face to my chest, where her tear dampened cheeks cooled my skin.
I tried again. “Why are you crying?”
“Because…because…” She paused and sucked in a breath. “Because some nights my brain can’t sleep. Some nights it only thinks about Mommy.”
It’s been a long time since I’d heard her refer to Lyra as Mommy rather than Mom, and my heart crumbled for my little girl who missed her mother.
“Is it thinking about her tonight?”
She nodded and turned her face to mine, misery in her red gaze. “But it doesn’t think about her as much as it used to.” She gasped, and fresh tears slid from her eyes. “Am I forgetting her?” Her voice was a quiet wail of anguish, and I closed my eyes to prevent my own tears falling.
I swallowed, the sound unusually loud in Luka’s quiet room. “You’ll never forget her.” My voice came out thicker than usual, and I lowered it to a hoarse whisper. “I won’t let you.”
“But how do you know?”
“We have pictures, we have stories, and my heart knows her. So does yours. You’re half her, Jari. You will never, ever forget your mom. Ever. I promise. And if you ever get worried, come and ask me about her. I’ll tell you anything you want to know, as many times as you want to hear it.” I wanted to take her pain away, but I couldn’t. I could only reassure her that she never had to hide it.
She nodded.
I leaned back and continued to gently rock us.
After a while, she spoke again, her voice small. “I think it might be a bit easier because of Tessa.”
Any part of me that had started to shut down ready for sleep woke back up. This was the first time she’d spoken about Tessa since the breakfast outburst, so I had to tread carefully. “How do you mean?”
“Well, we lost Mom, and she’s gone…” She paused like she couldn’t think of a way to recover from her statement.
I jumped in. “And Tessa is here?” I probed gently.
“Yeah.” Relief filled her tone. “I mean, a terribl
e thing happened, but now we have Tessa. And I think it helps to have someone who is here just for us, all the time.” She looked at me, and her eyes seemed to take on wisdom right in front of me.
Suddenly, I saw a Jari ten years older in the lines of her face. Then she moved, and the light changed, and my baby-faced daughter was back.
“I think Tessa is actually good for us. That includes you too, Dad. I think it’s important she’s here with us now.” She held my gaze.
Some of the relief and lightness that had taken control of her tone worked its way into me, banishing the guilt laying heavy in my chest. Jari was smart, observant, and honest. If she was saying Tessa was good for all of us, that meant she’d finally accepted her. Liked her even.
I leaned my head back and considered Jari’s statement. I couldn’t argue with it. My daughter was right.
When I thought of Tess, my body responded in so many ways. She could arouse me in a moment, my heart rate increased, my skin warmed, and I felt a lightness I hadn’t known since before I lost Lyra.
Fuck, I could name it. Joy. Tessa brought me joy, and that sent my heart soaring, but it also brought guilt that crushed my heart to dust as I betrayed Lyra’s memory. Only… Jari’s words made me question if I should give into that guilt, and Lyra’s own words had revisited me earlier, too. Maybe my feelings weren’t wrong, and Tessa certainly made me feel a variety of emotions. She was also in my thoughts, changing them, questioning what I’d thought the future held for me.
Against anything I might have imagined before she arrived in my home, I wanted us to be able to be something together, as partners. But I’d never considered a human queen for the people of Hydronia.
I scoffed quietly. I was thinking too far ahead. But wasn’t that what my role demanded? Wasn’t that exactly what Tessa had asked me to do?
I had to think of my future, of my children’s future, of Tessa’s future, and I had to be sure, because too many feelings could get hurt if I wasn’t. I shifted, trying to get comfortable as one of my arms began to go numb. Luka puffed his sweet baby breath in my face as he slept, and I smiled as all three of my children curled around me and slept.
And they were all here with me. Still, the nagging feeling something was missing tugged inside my chest. The arrival of Jari hadn’t quite eliminated it, and in the solitude of the moment, it grew stronger. My thoughts wandered to sandy blonde hair in untamable curls, but instead of red eyes in that face, I saw only hazel with flecks of gold. I wanted to admire them forever.
For the first time, I’d imagined another woman instead of Lyra completing my family. I waited for the wash of guilt, but it didn’t arrive. Instead, joy sped up my heart and I knew.
I knew what I wanted.
I wanted Tessa.
16
Tessa
Oof! I awoke when a large weight landed on my middle, and my eyes snapped open. The sudden surge of adrenaline in my system quickly dissipated when I found Vike with a huge, cheeky grin already in place on his face, sitting on me.
“Tessa!” he said.
I smiled. “Good morning, Vike.” I settled back against my pillows then glanced at the boy again.
His red gaze was still fixed firmly on me.
“You okay?” I stretched. “Is it nearly time for me to come and serve your breakfast?” I felt strangely rested despite having my sleep interrupted by an enthusiastic four-year-old.
“Nope.” Vike shook his head.
“No?” That didn’t sound right. “Have you already eaten?” A small trickle of dread turned me cold. “You haven’t been in Chef’s kitchen by yourself, have you?”
Gabby had told me a story of the day Vike decided to make himself breakfast. He’d gone into the kitchen to grab something, only the cereal assortment had suddenly seemed far more interesting. Vike had used it as makeshift sand, and when Chef arrived Vike was balanced on a random pile of pots and pan, surveying the new beach he’d created across the kitchen floor. Chef had been displeased to say the least.
“You didn’t make a beach again did you?” Suspicion rang sharply in my voice, and I shoved my blankets to one side, worried I’d have to go run damage control. Vike tumbled harmlessly into the space next to me as I swung my legs over the side of the bed.
He giggled. “Nope.”
Really? Was that all the child could say this morning?
Sun was streaming through the blinds on my window which was…unusual. “Vike?” I said his name hesitantly, and he grinned at me some more.
“Yeah?”
“Do you know what time it is?”
He shrugged. “Time to get up, Tessa.” Then he giggled and attached himself to my leg as I tried to swipe my palm across my ident. The time flashed up and holy shit. I pressed lips together to keep from actually cursing in front of Vike. I didn’t think that was on his schedule of things to learn.
“I’m late, Vike,” I told him as panic raced through me. There was no way me staying in bed for over an hour extra would have gone unnoticed. “I need to get dressed really quickly. Where’s Luka? Has Jari got him?”
I dashed into my bathroom to wash then moved around my room, my mind a whirlwind of thought as I opened the small closet and grabbed the first available uniform in there. Usually I at least considered what pastel color I was feeling, but today I definitely felt whatever color was closest.
Vike watched me curiously from the bed, and I was about to say something else to him when a knock sounded from my bedroom door. I froze. Oh no. I was about to get fired. Last night I had said I’d just be the nanny, and here I was not even being that.
“Vike! There you are!” Gabby said as she peered around the door. “Why did you—” She stopped and looked at me. “He wasn’t supposed to wake you,” she said, apology clear in her tone.
“Well, I’m glad he did. Have you any idea how late I am?” I’d thought Gabby was my friend, but she’d just let me sleep in. “I’m sure this will be one of the reasons The King could use to terminate my contract.”
“What?” Gabby’s eyes widened and her lips parted. Then she looked at Vike. “You mean you woke Tessa and you didn’t tell her?” She reached out and tickled him as she spoke.
“Nope.”
“I’m so sorry.” She turned back to me, but despite her words, laughter still sparkled in her eyes. I was too busy hopping into my jeans to notice. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I was asked to access and turn off your alarms because Izon said you needed a day to sleep in.”
I stopped mid-hop.
“What? What are you talking about?” I nearly fell over as I was balanced on one leg. Instead, I fumbled into the rest of my pants and began brushing my hair.
Gabby shrugged. “I didn’t ask exact reasons. I do what The King tells me—I don’t question his motives.”
I nodded, but I still didn’t really understand.
“Now hurry and go downstairs. You’re going out with the family for breakfast.” She shooed us out of my bedroom and hustled us toward the grand staircase. Breakfast? What was Gabby smoking that had made her think it was okay for me to sleep in and take the day off? My thoughts were cut short when I reached the top of the stairs.
Izon stood at the bottom and was watching me descend, his red eyes almost glowing as he smiled gently up at me. My cheeks heated under the scrutiny, and I wished I’d made more effort getting dressed. Although then I almost laughed. I looked the same every day, so that wouldn’t have mattered.
He approached me when I reached the bottom and took my hand. It reminded me of our date night, of those old stories, and made me think of being someone’s princess. The King could have been leading me to one of the dance floors I’d read about, and my mind filled with imaginings of colored skirts rustling and whipping by as men held women in their arms and they whirled in choreographed circles.
He pressed my knuckles to his lips, and I caught my breath, pulling myself out of my fairy tale thoughts. The children were watching. In fact, I glanced behind me, Gabby
was watching too, and Dyan was looking in the other direction from his position at the wall across the room. I’m sure he was very aware of everything that was happening, though.
I tried to pull back on my hand, but Izon’s grip tightened, and he stepped closer until I could feel the heat radiating from him. I turned to look up at him, a question on my lips.
He looked down at me, his gaze soft. “I choose option two,” he murmured.
What? I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head, trying to forget our audience, trying to forget I didn’t have a clue what was happening and hadn’t since Vike had woken me.
Option two. Option two. What had option one been that Izon was opting for plan B? I cast my mind back, struggling to find the answer as everyone looked on. Finally, I could only remember one choice I’d recently issued to The King. Last night, in the hall. Last night when I’d spilled my thoughts and feelings all over Izon, then left him alone in the hall.
Option one had been me as the nanny, looking after the children, the reason I was brought here to Hydronia. Option two was entirely different. I lifted my hand to my mouth and looked at the man before me through blurred vision as I held onto his hand.
We spent the day out on the island with the children, and it was like being part of a family, like Izon and I were real. And it was unusual because although I spent so much time with the children and I’d grown to love them, I’d never spent time with them like this. I’d never been able to watch them show off for their father, growling and play fighting and teaching him about sand castles. It had been so long since I wasn’t the only adult on hand expected to solve a squabble. It was liberating, that feeling, but it was also strange. Ever since Izon had let me sleep in, this whole day had been a whirlwind of ‘Is this real?’.
As we sat on the beach by the house at the end of the day, the children close by—Jari and Vike building a sandcastle to human specifications and Luka holding a big shell in his tight fist—Izon turned to me.
“I know it will be a big change trying to switch from nanny to... mother figure.” His eyes creased at the corners as he spoke, and concern lit his beautiful red irises. It must be hard for him to consider anyone else as even a mother figure to his children, much less a full-blown mother. I could understand that.