Beyond Physical

by D Pichardo-Johansson

  She started crying again. “And then I told him, ‘Fine with me!’”

  She cried violently, her body shaking. Her voice was a shriek as she said, “He left the house and then . . . hours later . . . two policemen knocked on my door and told me his car was at the bottom of the Indian River . . . and he was dead.” She hid her face in her hands and sobbed.

  Richard brought his hands to his face and breathed deeply, relieved. Life was returning to his body.

  It took a moment for him to put his thoughts in order. Reacting, he walked toward her and took her in his arms.

  “Joy, stop doing this to yourself.”

  “He killed himself because of me! Everybody thinks it was an accident, but I’m sure he drove the car into the river on purpose. It’s all my fault!”

  Richard held her tight. “Joy, how could you be holding this inside? Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “I haven’t told anybody. Not even my sister, or the police. It’s too horrible. I don’t want my children to grow up with this terrible shadow hanging over their father’s memory.”

  Richard kept holding her in his arms. “Joy, you didn’t kill him.”

  She sobbed. “A part of me knows that ultimately he was responsible for his own decisions. I know that maybe he didn’t mean what he said and his death was really an accident. But I’ll never know for sure. This doubt will torture me until the moment I die.”

  She continued crying. Holding her in his arms, he stroked her back in silence, letting her cry until the violence of her sobbing calmed down and she started relaxing on his shoulder.

  His thoughts were in turmoil. He had in his hands the power to restore her peace. But if he told her what he knew, he’d lose her forever­. He’d also be disclosing classified information about the O’Hara case.

  He looked at the ceiling, as if begging for an answer. Her breathing calmed down, and he could feel the fatigue of her body as she lay limp in his arms. He knew that now she’d be too tired to resist him if he kissed her again. It would be easy to carry her in his arms and take her to the bedroom.

  But could he do that? Could he leave her in her ignorance? Could he keep silent when the woman he loved was suffering?

  The words pierced his soul as they permeated into his consciousness. The woman he loved. It was the first time he’d allowed himself to phrase it. He repeated the words in his mind as they continued to materialize in his awareness. The woman he loved, the woman he loved . . .

  He kissed her with passion. As he anticipated, she didn’t resist and kissed him too. The kiss carried a mixture of pleasure and agony. He tasted her lips again and again, treasuring every texture and every sensation, hoping to hold on to that memory forever. He feared it was their last kiss.

  Letting go of her lips, he held her face with his hands and looked at her straight in the eyes.

  “Joy, I love you. I think I’ve loved you from the first time you hugged me and I felt your soul. I need you to know that and never forget it.”

  He held her hands. “Joy, you had nothing to do with Michael O’Hara’s death. He didn’t kill himself; he was murdered.”

  Confused, she looked at him. “Richard, that was ruled out a long time ago.”

  He shook his head. “He was killed, and I know because I’m in charge of the investigation of his murder.” He paused. “I’m an undercover FBI agent.”

  Joy let go of his hands and backed up. “But . . . but that means that . . . when you were working with me at the Hospice House . . .”

  Richard nodded. “I was investigating you.”

  Joy gasped, her eyes wide, and backed up another step. “The times we ran into each other . . .”

  Richard nodded again.

  The expression of perplexity grew on her face as she kept backing up. “The wires they found in my car . . . ?”

  Richard hesitated. Deciding it was better to lay all the cards on the table, he admitted, “Your car and your house are bugged. There were cameras too, but they’re inactive now.”

  The confusion on Joy’s face was giving way to a gesture of profound pain, but she didn’t speak.

  After a long silence, Richard begged, “Joy, please, say something. Yell, scream at me . . . hit me! But don’t stay quiet!”

  Bringing her hands to her face, she said, “I feel violated, so embarrassed. Now I understand why you said many times that I was naïve. I’ve been such an idiot.”

  He walked toward her and took her into his arms. “Joy, no. I admit that I started following you for that reason, but things changed. I did fall in love with you.”

  She freed herself from his arms and walked away, holding her forehead with her hands. “I can’t believe that I thought I loved you. I can’t believe that I was going to . . .”

  She cried. Richard felt a knot in his throat, and the hated tears he’d only recently reacquainted with started to fill his eyes.

  “Joy, nothing has changed. I am me. I’m the same man you fell in love with.”

  “Stop! How could I trust you after knowing that everything I came to feel for you was based on a lie? I was stupid to believe in the first man who filled my ears with sweet words. All you wanted was to get me to sleep with you . . .That’s why you brought me here in the first place.”

  He stammered. “No! . . . yes . . . but . . . no . . . That’s not all I want . . .”

  She wiped her eyes with hard swipes. “You were right. I live on another planet—in a world of fantasy. I needed this lesson to learn not to be so naïve.” She walked fast in the direction of the door. Richard ran and intercepted her.

  “Joy, you have to listen to me.”

  “Let me go.”

  “Think about it. Do you think I could’ve been faking the love you felt when I kissed you minutes ago? Do you think that this energy between us could be a lie? If you don’t want to listen to your heart, at least listen to your brain. You’ll realize that if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have taken this step of telling you the truth. I did it because I’d rather take the risk of losing you than seeing you in pain.”

  Joy hesitated, so he continued. “All I wanted was to free you from that doubt you’ve been carrying all this time, to show you that you’re not responsible for Michael’s death. I’m putting my badge at risk by telling you this. And I’m risking losing you. But I couldn’t let you suffer when I held the key to release you.”

  Joy shook her head. The mixture of confusion and fatigue in her face was heartbreaking.

  “I’m so disappointed. I’m so confused. I can’t think anymore tonight. Please let me go.”

  Richard sighed. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. “Joy . . .”

  “Please let me go . . . I’m begging you.”

  He moved away from the door, and she left the house.

  Chapter 34

  Sitting in his living room Sunday evening, Ray’s voice brought Richard back from his dark thoughts.

  “Dad, you tried to hide it from me all weekend, but I can feel it. You’re sad. What happened?”

  Richard was touched by the boy’s concern. They had spent two wonderful days together. But now that Ray was getting ready to return to his mother’s house, the depression that followed Richard around all week was creeping up again.

  He shrugged. “I’m okay.” The knot in his throat was not helping him sound convincing.

  “It’s Joy, isn’t it. You guys had a fight.”

  Richard sighed. “It’s worse than that, Ray. I ruined it. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

  The boy frowned. “Have you tried to make it up to her?”

  “She doesn’t take my calls.” Richard shook his head. “But there’s something else. Ray, Samuel has recommended moving me to a different branch of my investigation.” He paused. “They’ve offered me a transfer to New York City.”

  Ray’s brows furrowed, and his mouth dropped open. “Have you given them an answer?”

  “I haven’t decided yet. Samuel thinks it�
�s a good career opportunity.” He didn’t share that Samuel’s goal was to put distance between him and Joy.

  Ray thought for a moment. “Wow. A few years back, going back to New York would’ve been a dream come true. But now I have all my friends here. And I’m so used to the beach.”

  Richard looked at Ray with compassion. Changing cities the last two times he transferred hadn’t been easy for the boy. This one wasn’t easy for him either. For the first time in his life, he felt attached to a place. He now realized that the “dead town” of Fort Sunshine had really grown on him.

  He spoke slowly. “I’m afraid that this time I’d be moving alone. Your mother has her life here now, her boyfriend. And you have the beach, and your best friend, Ethan.”

  With a dismissive gesture, Ray replied, “You’re my best friend too.”

  Moved and surprised, Richard looked at his son. “Ray, nothing would make me happier than having you live with me, if you want to.”

  Ray smiled. “It’s settled. Think about it; and if you decide to do it, I’m going with you.”

  He tapped his father’s back and walked away. His voice was enthusiastic. “I’ll call Mom to tell her not to wait for me. I’ll stay here tonight. I’m on summer vacation, anyway.”

  Knowing his son’s intention was to try to cheer him up, Richard smiled.

  “I’m going to start laundry to have clothes to wear tomorrow,” Ray continued. “Why don’t you look for a movie to watch together, Dad?”

  He took off. Richard stayed on the couch, watching him walk away. He still couldn’t believe the blessing from that babysitting adventure over a week ago. He was now enjoying a new closeness to his son that he’d given up hoping was possible.

  Pushing away from his mind the memory of that night—and Joy—he picked a movie from the on-demand listing and went to the kitchen, looking for the popcorn. “Come, Ray! The movie’s starting!”

  “Give me a minute—Oh, here it is! I’ve been looking for this backpack all week.”

  Richard started microwaving the popcorn and went back to the living room. He heard Ray’s voice getting closer as he walked from the laundry room into the living room. “Look what I had in my backpack. I’d completely forgotten about it. I guess I have to find a way to give it back.”

  Ray was holding Arthur’s Spiderman plush toy.

  Melancholic, Richard held the toy, remembering that day months back. It was dirty and faded—probably the original old toy and not one of the replacements.

  “Arthur wanted to give me a present. So he insisted on me keeping it. He said his dad gave it to him.”

  The toy had a zipper in the back. On an impulse, Richard opened it and searched with his hand. He felt something hard inside and pulled it out.

  His jaw dropped. His hand held a black cord with a metal pendant hanging from it. It was the same medallion found on Michael O’Hara’s dead body­­—the symbol of the Lords of the Universe.

  * * *

  Speechless, Samuel examined the necklace in his hands. “Richard, I can’t believe this. How . . . how did you get it?”

  “Joy believed the necklace was lost, but her son had it all this time. He gave it to my son, Ray, and told him that one of the last memories he had of his dad was of him putting that necklace in his Spiderman toy and telling him to take good care of it. But wait. I need to show you something.”

  Richard turned the coin around, showing its back side. Tiny wires connected the cord to the medallion.

  “Samuel, this is an electrical connection. This is much more than a pendant. The coin we found is only one face, the outer shell of some form of electrical device. Feel its weight. It’s much heavier and thicker than what we found on the body.”

  Samuel held the necklace, verifying what he said. “But what is this? Is it a microphone? Is it a tracking device?”

  “I have the feeling that figuring it out will be key to understanding how Michael O’Hara was killed.”

  Samuel’s cell phone rang, and he answered, “Elliott here.” Silently, Samuel listened. The change in his expression told Richard that what he was hearing was serious. He hung up.

  “What’s going on?” Richard asked anxiously.

  “It was the team from New York. They finished interrogating Hayes’s daughter. Richard, you were right! Hayes’s daughter gave it away in her interrogation. Stephen Fox and Rachel Hayes are lovers.”

  Richard gasped. “He must be the person she’s trying to protect. I knew he was hiding something!”

  Samuel dialed a number on his cell phone. “We need an order of arrest.”

  At that moment, Richard’s cell phone rang too. “Kate? What’s the matter?” The smile disappeared from Richard’s face as he listened to the answer over the phone.

  “It’s Nana.”

  Chapter 35

  Richard was the last person sitting in the waiting room at the Hospice House. He came from Nana’s funeral. She’d passed away peacefully in her sleep and must have known it was coming. She’d left goodbye letters for every one of her loved ones. His envelope also included a letter for Joy with instructions to hand-deliver it. He knew it had been Nana’s last attempt to play matchmaker from the other world.

  He heard Joy’s voice as she walked her most recent visitor back into the waiting room. From the other side of the front-desk counter, he recognized Charles Clark and hid behind a column.

  He could hear them talking as they said goodbye. “Thank you very much, Charlie! That’s an incredibly generous gesture.”

  “Don’t thank me, dear. Thank the staff from the old campaign office. They made all the phone calls contacting our former sponsors to raise the money for the Hospice House. We should have a check ready for you by Wednesday night. I’ll be happy to give it to you personally at the candle lighting.”

  Joy sighed. “Charles, I don’t feel like going to a memorial service right now.”

  “It’s not that, Joy. It’s an intimate ceremony to honor Michael on the second anniversary of his departure. You can’t miss it. It’s the least we can do to emphasize that the gift is coming to the Hospice House in his loving memory.”

  Richard was getting impatient with Clark’s delay in leaving.

  “Joy, I admit I’ve been avoiding you over the past two years, and it has to do with my own trouble accepting Michael’s death.” Clark’s voice broke down. “I’m sorry that I’ve neglected my godson, Arthur, and the twins, but especially you. If Michael would’ve had a chance to express his last wishes, it would’ve been for me to take care of you.”

  Richard peeked at the two of them hugging. Yeah, right. I know exactly what you mean about taking care of her.

  The man left, and Richard emerged from his hiding place to intercept her. “Good afternoon, Joy.”

  He could see the pain in her eyes when she saw him. “Hello.”

  Richard extended the letter to her. “Nana wanted me to deliver this to you.”

  Without looking at him, Joy took the letter. “Thank you.”

  A long silence fell. “Can we talk?” he asked.

  Her only answer was a sigh.

  “Joy, I know you’re angry—”

  Lifting her hand, she signaled him to stop. “I’m not angry with you anymore.”

  He looked at her with hope. She dropped herself into one of the chairs and said, “Richard, I’m convinced you were a gift from God, sent to me at a dark time of my life. I’ll never regret the wonderful, if brief, days when I allowed myself to dream of love and happiness with you.”

  She stopped talking. Slowly, he sat next to her. Closing her eyes, she said, “God put you in my life to send me messages that I needed to hear, and one of them was to prove that I wasn’t dead inside. That I could still fall in love, crazy in love, with a man.”

  She looked at him. “You released me from Michael’s ghost when you told me the truth about his death, and that’s something I’ll never forget. That gesture will cancel out any suffering that you could’ve caused me wit
h your lies. You don’t owe me anything. I don’t hold anything against you. On the contrary, I’ll always keep you in my prayers and remember you with love.”

  Richard felt as if his heart was sinking. “Joy, what are you saying?”

  Tears formed in her eyes, but her voice was calm. “I’m saying goodbye.”

  Richard felt anguish rise in his heart. Life was so much easier before, when he was unable to feel anything.

  She continued, her voice incredibly calm, “Richard, you were lying ever since we met.”

  He shook his head. “I was only doing my job.”

  “But the simple truth,” she replied, “is that I’ll never know if the man I fell in love with is real, or if he’s a mixture of your lies and the fantasies my brain built up because of my hunger for the real love I never had.”

  Richard hadn’t come prepared for the peace she was radiating. He would’ve been better off if she were angry or offended. Instead, hearing her talk with so much calm, he couldn’t come up with what to say. Depression filled his soul.

  She extended her hand in offering. “Goodbye, Richard.”

  He took her hand and held it in his for a few seconds before saying, “I guess I’ll be accepting that transfer to New York after all.”

  He turned around and walked out. Before doing so, he caught a glimpse of the tears running down her cheeks, but he didn’t stop. His own dreaded tears were starting to form.

  * * *

  From the moment Richard entered Carl’s living room, he let himself collapse into his favorite loveseat, covering his eyes with his arm.

  After a long while, Carl said, “You’re worrying me. You’ve been sitting here so long without saying a word. Are you all right?”

  Richard shook his head. “I’m exhausted and frustrated. You must have heard, since it leaked all over the news, about the way Stephen Fox slipped out of our hands when we finally had enough to arrest him. He’s nowhere to be found.”

  Carl nodded.

  “Your ex-friend Rachel Hayes refuses to give any more information. And she’s immutable. Not even the polygraph has helped us. I’ve never met a person with such control over her bodily reactions.”