Oh, Valentine, We've Lost Our Minds!

by Dan Gutman

  At the end of the Valentine’s Day party, while everybody was cleaning up, Pee Air pulled me aside.

  “Teaching me those words was mean, A.J.,” Pee Air said.

  Well, he was right about that. It was mean. I didn’t like Pee Air, and I didn’t like him eating ice cream with Andrea.

  “So is your face,” I said to Pee Air.

  If you don’t know what to say to somebody, just say “So is your face.” That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “That is . . . as you say, the last straw!” said Pee Air.*

  “What do straws have to do with anything?” I asked.

  “This means war, A.J.,” said Pee Air. “Andrea is my special valentine! Not yours.”

  “You can have her,” I said. “I don’t want her.”

  “Three o’clock,” Pee Air said, pointing his finger at me. “In the playground.”

  “I’ll be there, Pee Air!” I said.

  Fighting is wrong. You should never fight. My parents tell me that all the time. My teachers tell me that, too.

  But what was I supposed to do? Everybody knows what “Three o’clock, in the playground” means. Pee Air was challenging me to a fight. It would look really bad if I backed down.

  For the rest of the day, I couldn’t pay attention to what Mr. Granite was trying to teach us. All I could think about was the big fight after school. I’ve never been in a fight before. I didn’t really know what to do.

  “A.J., you’re gonna be great,” Ryan kept telling me. “Just keep your dukes up. That French pastry is going down.”

  “You are The Man, A.J.,” said Michael.

  Finally, after a million hundred minutes, the clock on our classroom wall said it was three o’clock.

  BRING! BRING! BRING!

  Everybody grabbed their backpacks and rushed out to the playground. I mean everybody, even the fifth graders. I guess word got around that there was going to be a big fight after school.

  When I got out to the playground, Pee Air was waiting for me. All the kids gathered in a big circle around us. Right behind me were my two best friends, Ryan and Michael.

  I looked at Pee Air. Pee Air looked at me.

  Then, suddenly, the crowd parted to let somebody through.

  It was Andrea.

  “Please don’t fight, boys!” she said. “Violence never solved any problems.”

  What did violins have to do with anything?

  “Back off, Andrea,” I yelled to her. “This is between me and Pee Air.”

  “I think you mean Pee Air and me,” said Andrea. “You should use correct grammar, Arlo.”

  “Quiet!” I shouted at her. “Can you possibly be more boring?”

  Andrea had distracted me. I had to focus my attention. I looked at Pee Air. Pee Air looked at me.

  “A.J.,” Pee Air said. “I challenge you . . . to a duel.”

  “Oooooooooo!” everybody ooooooooed.

  WHAT?!

  I thought we were going to fight. Is duel a French word that means “fight”? I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  Michael and Ryan came over to me.

  “I saw a duel in a movie once,” Michael whispered. “You’re supposed to throw a glove on the ground in front of Pee Air.”

  What?! Why would anybody throw a glove on the ground? I didn’t even have a glove. It wasn’t even that cold outside. Who wears gloves to school when it’s not cold out?

  “Forget the glove,” whispered Ryan. “Just keep your dukes up.”

  I turned back to face Pee Air again.

  “Do you wish to apologize to me, A.J.?” Pee Air asked.

  “What for?” I said.

  “You have offended my honor.”

  “Oooooooooo!” everybody ooooooooed.

  “I did not!” I said.

  “Yes.”

  “No!”

  “Oui!”

  “Wee wee!”

  Pee Air and I went back and forth like that for a while. Finally, Michael leaned over to me.

  “Next,” he whispered, “you’re supposed to say, ‘Choose your weapon.’”

  “Weapon?” I asked. “I don’t have any weapons. Nobody said anything about fighting with weapons.”

  “That’s the rules, A.J.,” said Michael. “Duels have rules.”

  “Choose your weapon, Pee Air,” I said.

  “Oooooooooo!”

  Pee Air looked me in the eye.

  “I choose . . . thumbs.”

  “Oooooooooo!”

  So he wanted to thumb wrestle, eh? No problem. I’ve been in plenty of thumb wars in my time. And I’m a pretty good thumb warrior, if I do say so myself.

  “I accept,” I said.

  “Oooooooooo!”

  Pee Air put out his right hand. I put out my right hand. But you’ll never believe who came running out to the playground at that moment.

  It was Mr. Klutz and a bunch of the teachers!

  “Okay, break it up, you two,” shouted Mr. Klutz. “There will be no fighting on school property, especially not on Valentine’s Day! This is supposed to be the day of tolerance and acceptance and love. Remember?”

  Ugh, disgusting. He said the L word.

  “They’re not fighting,” said Alexia. “They’re going to have a thumb war.”

  “A what?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  We had to explain to him what a thumb war was.* Can you believe that? Grown-ups don’t know anything.

  “Oh, well, I guess that’s okay,” said Mr. Klutz. “You may proceed. As long as there’s no violence.”

  Why is everybody always talking about violins? And who would bring a violin to a thumb war? We didn’t need musical accompaniment.

  “Okay, A.J.,” said Ryan. “This is for all the marbles.”

  “What do marbles have to do with anything?” I asked.

  “Just beat him!” said Michael.

  A hush fell over the crowd as Pee Air and I faced each other once again. There was electricity in the air.

  Well, not really. If there had been electricity in the air, we all would have been electrocuted.

  “May the better thumb win,” I said to Pee Air.

  Pee Air put out his right hand. I put out my right hand. We grabbed hold of each other’s hand. It was very dramatic.

  Aren’t you on pins and needles? Well, if you are, you should get off them and sit on a couch or something. Pins and needles hurt.

  I put my thumb next to Pee Air’s thumb. We started to move our thumbs back and forth. . . .

  “One . . . two . . . three . . . four,” we both said. “I declare a thumb war.”

  “Five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight,” we both said. “I will make your knuckles ache.”

  “Four . . . three . . . two . . . one,” we both said. “Who will be the strongest thumb?”

  Pee Air moved his thumb left. I moved my thumb left. Pee Air moved his thumb right. I moved my thumb right. It was very exciting!

  “Get him, Pee Air!” somebody shouted.

  “You can beat him, A.J.!”

  Pee Air moved his thumb right. I moved my thumb right. Pee Air moved his thumb left. I moved my thumb left. We were frantically trying to get the upper hand. I mean, the upper thumb.

  “You’re going down, Pee Air!” I said.

  “I don’t think so!” Pee Air hissed back.

  Everybody was yelling and cheering and freaking out. Even Mr. Klutz and the teachers! I almost had Pee Air’s thumb down, but he moved it away just in time. Then he almost had my thumb down, but I moved it away just in time.

  The tension was unbearable.

  And then, just before I was about to cover Pee Air’s thumb with my thumb, he turned the tables on me and covered my thumb with his thumb.

  “Noooooooooooo!” I shouted.

  Pee Air’s thumb was pressed down on top of my thumb hard. I couldn’t move it.

  “Victory is mine!” Pee Air shouted. “Vive la France!”

  Bummer in the summer!

  Pee
Air had beaten me fair and square at thumb wrestling. I thought I was gonna die. Everybody was hooting and hollering. My hand hurt. This was the worst thing to happen since National Poetry Month! I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins.

  “Nice try, dude,” said Ryan, putting his arm around me. “You gave it your best shot.”

  Michael gave me a thumbs-up, but then he must have realized that was a dumb thing to do, considering that I had just lost the thumb war.

  “Hey, we should take A.J. out to the I Scream Shop,” Michael said. “Maybe that will make him feel better.”

  Ice cream! All right! Michael should be in the gifted and talented program for coming up with that idea.

  We walked a million hundred miles to the I Scream Shop. And when we opened the door, you’ll never believe who we saw in there.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It was Pee Air!

  But you’ll never believe who was with him.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It was Alexia!

  And they were both sitting at the same table! They had skateboards with them. That must have been how they got to the I Scream Shop before we did.

  “Alexia!” I said. “What are you doing here with Pee Air?”

  “Eating ice cream,” she said. “What does it look like I’m doing here?”

  “I invited Alexia . . . to join me to celebrate . . . my thumb war victory,” said Pee Air.

  Wow! So Andrea wasn’t Pee Air’s special valentine after all!

  Maybe Alexia was Pee Air’s special valentine. Or maybe Andrea was Pee Air’s special valentine, but he was secretly going out for ice cream with Alexia behind Andrea’s back. Or maybe Alexia was Pee Air’s special valentine, but he was secretly going out for ice cream with Andrea behind Alexia’s back.

  Valentine’s Day was complicated. And it was about to get even more complicated. Because you’ll never believe who came into the I Scream Shop at that moment.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It was Andrea and Emily!

  Andrea was holding the special valentine that Pee Air had given her.

  Andrea looked at Pee Air. Pee Air looked at Andrea.

  “Pee Air!” shouted Andrea.

  “Andrea!” shouted Pee Air.

  “What are you doing here with Alexia?” asked Andrea.

  “Yeah,” said Emily. “What are you doing here with Alexia?”

  “They’re eating ice cream,” I said. “What does it look like they’re doing?”

  “I . . . I . . . I . . .” Pee Air didn’t know what to say, at least not in English.

  “Pee Air!” said Andrea. “You said I was your special valentine!”

  “Yeah,” said Emily. “You said Andrea was your special valentine!”

  Andrea looked like she was going to cry. Pee Air looked like he wanted to be anywhere else in the world. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. He had to think fast.

  “In France, all the girls are special on Valentine’s Day,” he finally told Andrea. “There is plenty of love to go around. Don’t you agree?”

  “No!” shouted Andrea. “That’s it! It’s all over between us, Pee Air!”

  Andrea ripped Pee Air’s special valentine up into little pieces and threw them at Pee Air.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “I never want to see you again!” Andrea told Pee Air.

  “Yeah!” said Emily. “Andrea never wants to see you again!”

  It was the awesomest! You should have been there. And we got to see it live and in person.

  “This is my worst Valentine’s Day ever!” Andrea said. And then she stomped out of the I Scream Shop.

  When I got to school the next morning, Pee Air was lugging a suitcase up the front steps.

  “What’s in the suitcase, Pee Air?” I asked. “Are you going to give us more stinky cheese?”

  “No, I am going back home to France today,” he told me. “But I wanted to say good-bye . . . to my new friends before I leave.”

  We got to our classroom, and Mr. Granite wasn’t there yet. Pee Air went up to each girl in the class and kissed her hand. They were all giggling and making goo-goo eyes and getting his email address so they could stay in touch with him.

  Finally, Pee Air went over to Andrea. She was standing in the corner like she was hiding or something.

  “Your eyes . . . are like pools of water . . . in the moonlight,” Pee Air said.

  “Beat it, you two-timer!” shouted Andrea.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “Andrea, you will always be my special valentine,” Pee Air said as he bent down to kiss Andrea’s hand. “Parting is such sweet sorrow—”

  “Don’t touch me!” she shouted as she slapped his hand away.

  “Yeah,” I told Pee Air, “get in your S car and go home.”

  “Au revoir,” said Pee Air, whatever that means. And then he left.

  Mr. Granite came into the classroom and told us to take our seats. I went to put my backpack in my cubby. When I got to my seat, Andrea came over to me. She was holding a valentine.

  “Oh, Arlo,” she said, “I’ve been thinking it over. You’re my special valentine. You always will be.”

  “Oooooooooo!” everybody ooooooooed.

  That’s when the most horrible thing in the history of the world happened. Before I could do anything, Andrea leaned over and kissed me!

  Right on the lips!

  “Ugh, disgusting!” I shouted, wiping my face on my sleeve.

  “Ooooo!” Ryan said. “Andrea kissed A.J.! They must be in love!”

  “When are you and Andrea gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  “Leave me alone!” I shouted at Andrea. “Now I have to go boil my face.”

  That’s it. That’s the last straw. I’m going to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins don’t go around kissing each other. I don’t even think penguins have lips.

  Now that Valentine’s Day is over, maybe people will stop saying the L word all the time. Maybe we can exchange Andrea for a video game system. Maybe French people will stop eating snails and throwing their clothes into puddles of water. Maybe Andrea will pick her nose with the same hand Pee Air kissed. Maybe I’ll bring gloves to school in case I need to throw one on the ground. Maybe Napoleon will take his hand out of his shirt and get some ointment for that rash. Maybe we’ll have a sword fight with baguettes. Maybe kids in France will stop spelling words wrong and bringing bears to school with them. Maybe people will stop talking about violins, running out of straws, and walking into doors all the time.

  But it won’t be easy!

  WEIRD EXTRAS!

  Professor A.J.’s History of Valentine’s Day

  Fun Games and Weird Word Puzzles

  My Weird School Daze Trivia Questions

  The World of Dan Gutman Checklist

  PROFESSOR A.J.’S HISTORY OF VALENTINE’S DAY

  Greetings, My Weird School lovers!

  Ewww, I said the L word! Disgusting!

  Anyway, it’s me, Professor A.J., the boy who knows everything that’s worth knowing. I hope you have a great Valentine’s Day with lots of chocolate and yummy stuff but no kissing, hugging, or any of that yucky stuff.

  I think it’s about time you learned something about Valentine’s Day. For instance, did you know how this holiday started? Well, I’ll tell you. . . .

  It was way back in ancient times, when microwave popcorn hadn’t even been invented yet. King Gerald the Third of Terdlandia was madly in love with a princess named Lucy. To prove his love for her, he decided to cut out his own heart and give it to her as a present. And that’s what he did. Lucy was pretty impressed that Gerald loved her so much that he would cut his heart out. He dropped dead instantly, of course, but that was the first valentine, and that’s why valentines are shaped like hearts today.

&nbs
p; Okay, I totally made that whole thing up. King Gerald the Third? Terdlandia? Are you kidding? Man, I could tell you kids anything! I bet that if I told you the first valentine was sent by a guy named Val N. Tyne, you would buy it. Don’t believe everything you read in a book. Especially a My Weird School book.

  But here’s some real true stuff about Valentine’s Day that you probably don’t know. . . .

  FACT:

  —Valentine’s Day has been around for a really long time. It is rumored that February 14 was first declared “Valentine’s Day” by Saint Pope Gelasius I in A.D. 496.

  * * *

  That’s so long ago, it only has three numbers.

  FACT:

  —The first valentine card ever sent was written by a duke to his wife in 1415.

  * * *

  She opened the card and said, “What, no flowers?”

  FACT:

  —Hallmark has been creating Valentine’s Day cards since 1916. Just six years earlier, an eighteen-year-old boy named Joyce Clyde Hall (yes, his name was Joyce. Get over it.) arrived in Kansas City, Missouri, with little more than two shoe boxes of postcards. He began selling the postcards. Eventually, Joyce and his brother Rollie formed Hall Brothers. They were printing their own greeting cards by 1915.

  FACT:

  —For Valentine’s Day, more than 707 million dollars is spent on candy.

  * * *

  That’s enough candy to feed . . . well, me and my friends for a few days anyway.

  FACT:

  —Americans buy nearly 189 million roses every Valentine’s Day.

  * * *

  Then, a few days later, they’re all dead. The roses, that is. Not the Americans.

  FACT:

  —According to Roman mythology, Venus, the goddess of the L word, adored red roses. That’s why they are a symbol of the L word today.