Dating Dilemma

by Brownell, Rachael

  Carrie did everything she could to keep us apart. On our first date, she showed up with a few of her friends and asked for a table close to ours. She was wearing a skimpy black dress, her fake tits popping out the top. Her hair was perfectly in place, and her makeup was rocking. I'll never admit it to her, but she looked hot.

  I wasn't aware she was his ex until after she showed up. He was nice enough to warn me when he spotted her. She was intimidating.

  I'm the exact opposite of Carrie. My boobs barely fill the B-cup bras I buy, and if I brush my hair, it's going in a ponytail eventually. Makeup baffles me. I have no idea what to buy or how to apply it. I wing it the best I can with a little mascara and some bronzer. When I’m getting dressed up, I add a little blush and lipstick.

  For my date with Ben, I washed my hair and actually curled it for the first time this year. I attempted to put a little makeup on but ended up taking it back off when my roommate made a comment about it. She said it looked nice, but it made me feel self-conscious. I'm not a girly-girl. Give me a pair of cowboy boots, short shorts, and a tank top. I'm most comfortable on my family's farm. That's why I'm studying agriculture.

  I've milked cows since I was a little girl. I used to participate in 4H and show horses. I'm a country girl from a small town. Brighton may not be that big, but to me, this is the big city. I'm out of place, and it's intimidating on a daily basis.

  Maybe that's my problem. I'm intimidated by Ben. He was with Carrie for almost their entire freshman year of college. We've talked about our past relationships, the serious ones and the not so serious ones. I've only had two, but he's had more than a handful. I've slept with one person; he's slept with three.

  I'm inexperienced. I'm not sure what to expect when it comes to a serious relationship. I never would have lost my virginity if it hadn't been with someone I trusted. I trust Ben, but it's too soon. I'm not ready. He has to know that. Right?

  That's what I need to tell him. That I'm not ready. That I want to be in this relationship with him but that it scares me. We've only been dating for three months, and I'm already thinking about having sex with him. I want to, but at the same time, I don't.

  Thinking more about Maggie's response, I don't hate her as much as I did a few minutes ago. She has one good point. He may be watching porn so he doesn't pressure me. Men have needs; we all do. This might be his way of fulfilling them. He's not cheating on me. Instead, he's watching some chick get banged in the ass.

  I really hope he doesn't ever expect me to do that.

  Pulling up my big girl panties, I pick up my phone and dial his number. It rings once, and then the line is silent. I wait for his voicemail, but nothing happens. Listening closely, I hear voices, but they're in the distance. I can't make out what they're saying.

  "Hello," I holler into the phone.

  When no one responds, I hang up and call him back. This time, he answers, out of breath.

  "Gigi?"

  "Hey. I just tried to call, but you weren't there."

  "Yeah. Sorry. I. Was." He out of breath. He can't finish his sentence.

  "What are you doing? Is now a bad time?"

  "Can I call you back in five minutes?"

  "Sure," I reply as he hangs up, ending our conversation without saying goodbye.

  Five minutes feels like an hour. Wait, it is an hour. When my phone finally rings, I contemplate not answering, but I know he'll keep calling if I don't. He's persistent. He always has been. If he wasn't, we never would have gone out.

  Ten. That's how many times he asked me out before I said yes. Not because I wanted him to chase me, but because I wasn't sure I was ready to date anyone. I had only been single for a year when we met. My boyfriend and I separated on good terms when we decided to go to college in different states, but it was still hard. Ben seemed nice enough, but I still wanted more time to figure out who I was.

  When I finally caved and said yes, he kissed me on the spot. Surprised, I almost drew my hand back and smacked him. Thank God he's a good kisser. I fell into the kiss and was left breathless when our lips finally parted. I knew I had made the right decision when he took my hand and walked me home after that.

  "Hey," I say, finally answering his call.

  "Sorry about that. I'm glad you called."

  He seems hesitant. More hesitant about this conversation than I feel. Something’s going on, and I'm going to find out before I confess my feelings to him. If I put myself out there first, he may never tell me. My heart suddenly hurts as if it knows it’s about to be broken into a million pieces.

  "Me, too. So what were you doing when I called earlier?"

  "You're not going to like it if I tell you."

  "Well, that's fantastic. You knew I would be calling, yet you decided to watch more porn while you waited. Is this a normal thing for you? Do you watch it every day? Is it like an addiction? A bad habit? Explain this to me. Please."

  Anger seethes through each word. I can't believe he would do that. He asked me to call him. Why would he put me in this position?

  "I wasn't watching porn, Gigi. Carrie stopped by."

  You know those scenes in movies where the main character is so shocked they suck in a breath and forget to let it out? That's me right now. The only difference is I'm also looking around for something to throw. Something breakable. I wish he had been watching porn. That would be easier to hear about than him screwing his ex.

  "Are you there?"

  Letting out the breath I was holding, I suck in another and let that one out, too. Once I feel a little more composed, I attempt to answer him.

  "Yep. Still here. Not sure why, though."

  "Listen. I can hear you're angry, but I want you to know it's not what you think. She was here when I got home, waiting for me. She heard through the grapevine we haven't been getting along or whatever. She thought she could weasel her way back in. She was wrong. I was in the middle of fighting with her, and I didn't hear my phone ring. She answered the call but didn't tell me. She was trying to make you jealous. It sounds like it worked."

  "Did you sleep with her?"

  There are so many things I want to ask him, but this is the most important question for him to answer. If he says yes, none of my other questions matter. We're done. If he says no, we can continue this conversation.

  "No, not that she didn't try. She even tried to blackmail me with pictures of her. She was naked in my bed when I got here. She took a few selfies and threatened to send them to you. I need you to know that I didn't touch her, aside from dragging her out of my bed."

  "This is so fucked up, Ben. I called you to talk to you about porn, and now I need to worry about your ex? I’d rather not be talking about either of these things, yet this is my life right now."

  "All this shit is my fault. I'm so sorry, Gigi. I swear I didn't touch her, and I swear everything I said in my note was true. You have to believe me."

  Shit!

  I never read his note.

  Scanning my room, I find the jeans I was wearing that day and pull his note from the pocket.

  "How do you even know I got your note?" I ask as I unfold it.

  "I saw you leaving the library. You were so focused on getting to class you walked right past me and didn't even notice me."

  Go figure. I should have known he would wait outside the library and try to talk to me.

  "Did you read it?"

  "I'm about to. I put it in my pocket and forgot about it.” Pausing as I attempt to flatten it out, I read the first line. “Let me rephrase that. Carrie was being her usual bitch self and distracted me."

  "Want me to tell you what it says?"

  "It's in my hands. I can—"

  "I love you, Gigi. I'm sorry that you had to witness one of my many imperfections as a man. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened. I don't want you to think that sex is more important to me than you are. If it bothers you, I'll never watch it again. More importantly, I don't want you to think that I have to have sex. I'm happy
with our relationship the way it is. When the time is right, we'll take the next step. Until then, I want you to know you'll never have to witness that again. I respect you, Gigi. As a woman and as my girlfriend. I hope you can find it in my heart to forgive me."

  Word for word.

  He memorized his note.

  "That was impressive. How'd you remember it?"

  "It took me hours to write, and rewrite. By the time I was done, I knew it by heart. I knew what I wanted to say to you, that I wanted you to know how I felt about you."

  "So, you've given up porn? Cold turkey?"

  "Yep. I even threw that DVD away after you left."

  Good. I'll never have to look at it again. I'll never have to think about it again. But now I feel bad. He's changing who he is for me, and that's something I'm not comfortable with. I guess I should give him a reason not to need to watch it.

  "Did you still want to get dinner?" I ask.

  "Sure. How about I pick you up in an hour?" he suggests excitedly.

  Perfect. Plenty of time to put my plan in place.

  After kicking my roommates out with the promise of doing their laundry for them this week, I gather every candle in our apartment. Lining them up and down the hall toward my room, I quickly change and unlock the front door before I light each one.

  I hear Ben knock.

  The door opens, and he hollers into the dimly lit room.

  When I call for him, I hear him mumble to himself in confusion.

  As soon as his head appears in my doorway, all his confusion melts away.

  "Gigi, this isn't what I meant when I suggested dinner."

  "I love you, Ben. You said this would happen when the time felt right. This feels like the right time to me. Unless you've changed your mind." Letting my voice drift off, Ben disappears. At first, I think he's leaving. When I see the hallway start to go dark, I realize he's blowing the candles out.

  Closing the door behind him, he slowly walks toward me before climbing on the bed next to me and kissing me softly on the lips.

  "You look beautiful."

  "Thanks. I've never worn this before. It was a gag gift for Christmas last year from a friend. I was mortified when I opened the bag and pulled out a skimpy piece of black lingerie. Now I'm glad I kept it."

  "Me, too," he says, slipping his finger under the strap and pulling it down my arm, kissing me on the side of the neck. "I love you, Gigi."

  About the Author

  Rachael Brownell is an award-winning author of both young-adult and new-adult romance. She resides in the midwest with her husband, son and their fur-babies. To learn more about Rachael and her books, follow her on social media or sign up for her monthly newsletter.

  For more information…

  www.AuthorRachaelBrownell.com

  rachaelbrownell@mail.com

  Also by Rachael Brownell

  The Storm Series

  Caught in the Storm

  Surviving the Storm

  Rumors Series

  Rumors: Emerson & Ryder

  Rumors: Justine & Devon

  Rumors: Angela & Tyler

  Rumors: Megan & Vincent

  Rumors: Brianna & Hunter

  Rumors: Allison & Zane

  Imperfect Love Duet

  Imperfect Love Story

  Imperfect Love Story: New Beginnings

  Stand-alone Novels

  Dark Bishop

  Worth The Fight

  Lucky 13

  Waiting on Someday

  Always in My Heart

  Take A Gamble

  Chasing Fate

  Sticks & Stones