by Simone Elise
I closed the front door.
“God, I’m an idiot,” she muttered to herself and walked into the lounge room. I followed.
She sat down on the couch, tucking her legs under her. Her attention went to her phone. I just stood there staring at her.
“Stop looking at me,” she snapped, and looked up. “Seriously Jax, you are acting like you’ve never seen me before.”
“I’ve missed you.” I walked in and sat down on the couch next to her. “Sorry.”
“For staring?” she arched an eyebrow at me, as if I would be saying sorry for that.
I shook my head. “For not trusting you the night Mai came. For not believing you.” I reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, needing to see her face. “I’m sorry for breaking up with you. I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I said and I’m really sorry you had to move because of me.”
She took a nervous breath in. I could see how nervous she was. She was flipping her phone around in her hand. I placed my hand over her nervous one, and her eyes snapped to mine.
“I’m so sorry Amber.”
She finally nodded her head. “Well, you’ve got it off your chest.” Her words hardened. “You can go now.”
She was just pushing me away. I sighed. “I still have three minutes.”
She scoffed but didn’t say anything. I would do anything to hear what she was thinking. Did she still love me? She said she would always love me. What could I do in three minutes to prove to her I had changed?
I had to get her mind off our break-up. The pain in her eyes, on her face… it was killing me.
“You know that history report you didn’t do? On that soldier?” I said, recalling something I did want to tell her.
“The one you thought I would do? I did tell you I wouldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, that one.” She knew what I was talking about.
“What about it?”
“Well, you didn’t do it, and it scored me an extra month on my parole.” That one bad grade. “So, really, you owe me months’ worth of your time cause you cost me a month.”
“We were partners. You were meant to help!” She shook her head. “Seriously, you did an extra month because of it?”
I nodded my head. “Worst month of my life.”
She reached for the coffee table and grabbed her beer; so she still drank. “Well, I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not. I hated school.” She shrugged it off, like a month of my life wasted wasn’t a big deal.
“Well, I got to stay an extra month because of you.”
“Did you graduate?”
“No,” I scoffed. “I left as soon as my parole was done.”
“I did.”
I frowned. “But you said you left school?”
“After I passed by correspondence.” She shrugged. “I just was too stubborn to tell dad that I had finished my education. So, instead, I lied and said I dropped out which resulted me being cut off. And..” She sighed. “Me doing everything Tae says.”
“You can get rid of him.”
“I can’t.”
“You don’t need money.” My hand was still on hers and she realized, pulling her hands away.
“Yeah, I do.”
I took my hand off her lap and turned to face her more. “Your brothers won’t let you go without a thing.” I moved slightly closer to her, reaching out and lifting her chin. “I won’t let you go without anything,” I said firmly.
“You aren’t my boyfriend Jax. You broke up with me. I told you if you did, there was no coming back.” She looked panicked. Like she was saying that but her body was screaming she was all mine. “Don’t look at me like that.”
My eyes flashed to her lips. All those times we had had sex played through my mind. All the times she was calling out my name, because that is who she belonged to. Me.
Maybe I just had to remind her. I dipped my head.
“Don’t you dare kiss me!” She pushed my hand off her face and got up like the couch burnt her. “DON’T SIT THERE AND ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED!”
“I said I was sorry.”
“SORRY DOESN’T CUT IT!” She was mad. No. She was furious. The lid on her temper was off, and I was happy to see it come off. I could deal with her rage; I couldn’t handle her being distant and accepting.
“What do you need me to do?” I said getting up and walking towards. “Just tell me what you need to hear.”
“Time. That’s what I need. Time to get over you! Cause I’ve had over a month and I’m still fucking addicted to you! AND IT’S NOT FAIR!” She screamed. “JUST LEAVE. YOUR FIVE MINUTES ARE UP!”
Tears were threatening to fall from her eyes and she looked at me like she hated me, but, at the same time, loved me unconditionally.
Good. She was pissed off. Now I needed her to get it all out of her system.
“Mai lied,” I said firmly.
“I know she did! I told you that! You didn’t believe me!” Frustrated, she threw her beer bottle at my head. “I TOLD YOU TO TRUST ME!”
I dodged the bottle and it smashed into the window. Now, this side of Amber I knew well.
“AND I SAID I WAS SORRY I DIDN’T!” I yelled back at her. Ok. Don’t yell at her. I took a deep breath in. “I was too late Amber, but I’m here now and I am begging you. Just give me a chance.”
“No.”
“Amber.”
“NO!”
I stood in front of her, taking her clenched fists in my hands. “I love you.”
Tears dropped from her eyes. “Stop saying that.”
“No.”
“Just stop it.” She unclenched her fists. “Just please let me go. I can’t go through this again. I can’t handle your mood changes. I can’t handle you wanting me one minute and hating me the next.” She wiped a tear away. “I’m not strong enough.”
“When it comes to you, everything else comes second.” I pulled her closer to my chest. “I mean it Amber, everything else doesn’t matter.”
“What about the club that you love so much?” She scoffed, sounding hurt. “How many times have you pushed me away because of it! You can’t just expect me to believe you.”
“Have I ever lied to you?” I said firmly. She was glaring into my chest. I cupped her face, forcing her look me in the eye. “Everything, and I mean everything, is second to you. I lost you once and it’s never going to happen again.”
Her eyes showed debate. “You don’t do weaknesses. I’m a weakness.”
“No Amber, the only thing you give me is strength.” It was what I had been missing since she’d left; the strength to keep going. “I didn’t know how important you were in my life Amber, but you have to believe me when I say, you are my purpose.”
I was expecting for her to push me away, push my hands off her face, but she didn’t; instead her fingers ran down my jaw.
“You’ll find a new purpose,” she mumbled. “Women go to you easy, Jax.”
“I don’t want women. I want you!”
“You broke my heart.” Tears slid down her cheeks. “And I don’t even have one back together to give you.” A depressed smile appeared on her face. “Even if I wanted to Jax, there is nothing left. I can’t give you something I don’t have anymore.”
“You have a heart.” If there was one thing I was certain about, it was that. The way she loved her brothers. In order to love someone as much as she loved them, she had to have a heart.
She tilted her head; the hollowness that was in her eyes that night we were on the phone was back in her eyes.
“If I had one, I would give it to you again,” she said, ever so softly. “Because I never learn from my mistakes.”
She was shutting down. I could see it. She was pulling back from me. I wanted her screaming at me again, at least then she felt something towards me. Panicked, I lowered my forehead to hers.
“Let me prove to you that you have one.” I was desperate. I knew she had one. I hadn’t completely destroyed her heart.
“I
don’t want to feel what I felt for you again. That all-consuming need to be with you. I don’t want that. Can’t have that because you will leave me.” And she pushed my hands off her and walked away from me. “And then I’ll be back here. Hollow again. So what’s the point, Jax?” She sighed, turning to look at me.
She still loved me. It was on her face right now.
“I won’t ever hurt you again like that Amber.”
“Don’t promise me that.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I can fake a smile. I can fake a conversation with my brothers. I can fake love. My acting skills have got better, but I can’t fake what we had.”
“Then don’t. Just risk it again Amber.” I walked to her, feeling all I did was follow her around this room as she attempted to get away from me. “Take a chance on me.”
“Which part of the ‘I don’t have a heart to risk’ don’t you get!” She looked at me like I was stupid. She let out a frustrated sigh. “You and I were poison.”
“We were complicated.”
She scoffed, her eyes going wide. “Yeah, that’s another word for us.”
Us.
I smiled. “You know I love you, right?”
“You keep saying that, but a man that loved me wouldn’t have hurt me.” She squared her shoulders back, staring me in the eye. “If you really loved me, I would know.”
I peeled my vest off and she frowned at me.
“What are you doing?” Her voice rose as I unclipped my holsters, dropping my guns on the table and reaching for the hem of my t-shirt and taking it off. “Why the hell are you taking your clothes off?”
I dropped it on the ground. The tattoo I wanted to show her… well, now was time to show her.
Her eyes were still on mine. I reached for her hand and she let me take it.
I placed it over my heart and lowered it, just slightly. “You’re right there Amber. In my heart. It’s where you will always be.” Whether she wanted to love me or not, I would always love her.
She glanced down, her eyes widening when she slowly spread her fingers and then took her hand off, staring at her name tattooed on my chest.
“You’ll always be with me. Even if you don’t want to be,” I said. She could push me away but I would always love her. “I will always do anything for you, and if you can’t take a chance on me, I hope I can at least be your friend.”
It had come to that point of the evening when I had to admit defeat. I would rather be her friend than nothing. A friend could ask how she was. A friend could spend time with her. I hoped she would let me be her friend.
She was gobsmacked and then she started to do something that shocked me..
“Why are you taking your top off?” I said, my mouth hanging open as she undid the last button, and shrugged it off.
Amber was always beautiful but I wasn’t used to seeing it, so it sent me into shock, seeing her perfect skin. My eyes ran across her tattooed stomach and then up her beautiful rib cage and then she turned and lifted her arm.
And then I didn’t believe what I was seeing.
“That’s my name.” I was in shock.
Jackson was tattooed so perfectly on her side.
She put her arm down and turned to look at me. The hollowness that had been in her eyes earlier was gone.
“Like I said. I was marking my body. And you. Well, you left a mark on my heart so I thought it only fitting you had one on my body.” She looked down and sighed. “We were good while we lasted.”
It had barely fucking started. We spent most of our time fighting or me pushing her away.
“Start fresh with me.” I couldn’t stop myself from running my hand down her side, my hand following her skin and going to her lower back and pushing her into me. “Make a fresh start with me. One where you come first. One where the club is second and I promise Amber, I won’t push you away.”
She looked me in the eye. “You won’t push me away, even if it is in my best interest?” She was challenging me.
Well, she had me there. If it was in her best interest, I would push her away; it was a habit. It’s the only thing I had regularly done to her, push her away.
“If there is another option, no.” I couldn’t say to her completely I wouldn’t put her best interest first. I wanted her, but her safety came first and I would never want to hold her back.
Not now. Not ever. If I wasn’t adding to her life, I wouldn’t be a part of it.
“My love for you will always come first. Anything I do is because I love you.” I pushed her more into me, the fact she was only wearing a bright pink low cut bra hadn’t gone unnoticed.
It was basically taking all my willpower to not unclip her bra right now. My other hand reached around her, brushing the clasp of her bra. I could just unclip it. I needed to see her, naked, and completely in front of me.
But I needed her to want me like that.
Her hands went to my chest and I loved her touch. Her hands moved up and stopped on my shoulders. She didn’t fight me, as I pushed her completely into me and she dropped her head to my chest.
“How will we work?” she said into my chest. “I can’t do hot and cold again.”
Her breathing on my chest was welcoming. It was hot and sharp.
“We will take it one day at a time.” I ran my hands down her spine. “We can go as fast as you want or as slow as you want.”
She pulled her head from my chest and looked up at me. “You really want to do this?”
“Yes.”
“You’re willing to take shit from my brothers?”
“Yes.”
“You will stay away from other women?”
“Yes.”
“You will actually show me respect?”
I frowned. “I’ve always respected you.”
“You’ve always seen me as a weakness.” She ran her hand down from my shoulder and I could feel her staring at her name. She sighed. “What does it even matter anymore, I can’t give you my heart when I don’t have it.”
“I’ll help you get it back.” I held her closer to me, feeling like she was a second from bolting from me. “I promise you Amber, I will help you get your heart back. I broke it. I’ll fix it.”
She looked up at me, blinking back tears, “How? I’ve tried. I can’t feel anything. I kill without even so much as caring. I don’t feel guilt. I just don’t feel. So how, Jax? How are you going to fix the hole in my heart?”
“I’ll show you.” My hands went to the skirt that was at her waist and I slowly undid the zipper. I kissed her shoulder as her skirt fell to the ground. “Starting tonight, I’m claiming back your heart.”
“I don’t have one.”
“Yes you do. I broke it. I’ll fix it.”
“I’m not your bike, Jax.”
I smirked. Now, that sounded more like Amber. My hands went to her hips and I lifted her up, and, as if she knew what I wanted, she wrapped her legs around my waist.
Looking her in the eye, taking all her weight, I took one hand off her and pushed a stray hair that was in front of her face, behind her ear.
“Can I make love to you?” I asked, lowering my forehead to hers.
“You sure you don’t just want to fuck me? Less strings in the morning.”
I shook my head. “Nah sweetheart, I want to love you.” I kissed her cheek. “All night.” I kissed her forehead. “Every night.”
“You’re doing it again.” She sighed and dropped her forehead to mine.
“What?”
“Promising me something you can’t give.”
“Amber, I promise you I’m going to love you every day for the rest of my life.” I kissed her lips, at first gentle, but once I got a taste, I was going back for more. I was addicted to the taste of her mouth.
I had forgotten just how sweet she was. How had I forgotten that? It was like being off drugs, stone sober, and then you get your first high. It was sending my body into shock at first, and then I couldn’t get enough. The adrenaline rushed through my b
ody as I greedily kissed her.
I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but I was moving, needing to get us to a bedroom before I lost control and took her on the couch.
Where her brothers could easily walk in, any minute.
“Wait.” She pulled away from my lips. “My clothes. If the boys come home and see them, they will know.”
I smirked. “I think they will know when I’m here in the morning.” I kissed her cheek. “When I’m kissing you.” I kissed along her jaw. “When I’m dragging you off to the bedroom.”
She laughed, and I loved the sound of it. It was something I’d missed, hearing her laugh.
“Clothes!” she said, and I walked us back into the lounge room.
“Don’t see the point in hiding the evidence.”
“You would if your brothers loved to take the piss out of you.” She wanted me to let her go but I wasn’t going to. She looked at me, knowing what I was doing. “You have to let me pick them up.”
“And you promise I can pick you back up as soon as you’ve got them?” I arched an eyebrow at her, not wanting her to take this opportunity to bolt from me.
She nodded her head, but it was the small smile on her face that had me easing her body down. As soon as her feet hit the ground, she picked up her clothes and I was taking in the view as she bent over.
Darn. So fucking perfect, and, just like that, my self-control snapped.
She had them in her hands and that was enough for me; a squeal left her lips as I took her legs from under her and carried her, bridal style.
My eyes ran over her again, drinking her in. I was going slow tonight. At least the first time.
Then that nagging question was back in my head and I found myself needing an answer this time.
“So, what’s with you and Tae?” I walked her up the stairs.
“Nothing.”
“Has he seen you like this?” I couldn’t stop the jealousy that ran through my veins at the thought that someone had had what was mine.
She tilted her head and then did something I wasn’t expecting. She kissed me. Her hands bringing my face to hers. She kissed me harder, and I groaned. She’d just got me addicted again.
I stopped at the top of the stairs, not knowing which direction to take her. As much as I didn’t want to pull away, I had to.