I am frozen. I literally can’t move from the spot I am standing in. The only thing I can move, are my eyes, and as I shift them up to glance at Jasper, I wish they were unmoving like the rest of me.
His head is bent forward with his messy hair covering his face. His shoulders are hunched, and by the way he is leaning forward with his hands interlocked between his parted legs, I know this is going to end badly.
“I...” I attempt to speak, but Jasper holds up a finger to silence me.
I know he needs a moment to digest everything, and I will give him all the time he needs.
But as the silence stretches out to a painful stillness, I feel my heart beating to an unhealthy rhythm, and I wonder if someone could actually die of a broken heart. By the way Jasper is sitting motionlessly, I know what is about to take place; he’s going to leave me.
I can’t let this silence continue. “Jasper, please let me explain.”
He snaps his head up like he’s awoken from a dream.
“So, this is what you wanted to talk to me about? About him?” His voice sounds uneven and hoarse as he knows the voice on the machine belongs to Harper.
Taking a deep breath, I whisper, “Yes.”
“How long?” he questions.
His head is still slightly stooped, and I know this is because he doesn’t want to meet my eyes. My deceiving, dishonest eyes.
I remain silent as I try to piece together the best explanation without making things worse.
“I think now is about the time you start explaining.”
Wishing he would lift his head and look at me, because I can’t read how he’s feeling, and I need to look into his eyes so he can witness my honesty.
“Look at me,” I whisper, barely audible.
He slowly elevates his head, and I gasp as I witness the cold look in his usual loving eyes.
“I’m sorry Jasper.”
Jasper suddenly gets up, bracing his hands behind his head as he starts pacing.
I am too scared to move, so I stay rooted, but my eyes follow his frantic movements.
“Jasper,” I plead, watching him walk back and forth like a caged lion.
“No, give me a minute,” he says, putting out his hand to stop me.
I bite my trembling lip.
Finally he comes to a stop right in front of me and slowly meets my eyes, but he doesn’t speak.
“Jasper, please... say something.”
He takes a few short breaths. “What could I possibly say that would make any of this okay?”
I reach out for him, but he shrugs away like my touch would burn him.
“It’s not how it looks. I know that message made things look really, really bad, but it’s not.”
“Oh,” he says, letting out a sarcastic laugh. “So your ex didn’t just call you, declaring how much he misses you and that he found a perfect place for your spring wedding! Forgive me Ava, I must have misheard all that.”
I feel sick inside, because I know whatever I say is not going to excuse the fact I have lied to Jasper. I wish I had told him before he heard the message, because this has just made everything so much worse.
“Harper and I are just friends. That's it, nothing more. There has never been anything more than that. I promise.” I am pleading with him to believe me.
“How long?” he asks me again.
Lowering my eyes, I’ve just given away my guilt.
“How long Ava? Just answer the question!” Jasper presses.
I flinch at the roughness in his tone.
“For a while,” I finally whisper.
“How long is a while? Since you've been back?” I can hear the fury behind his tone.
Biting my lip guiltily, I shake my head. I wish I had the balls to elaborate further, but I know when I do, it’ll all be over.
“Longer?” he asks, taken aback.
I slowly nod.
“Since when? Since before you left? Did he know you were coming here?” Jasper is piecing it all together, and I don't have to answer, because my silence says it all.
I can hear the break in his voice, and I finally meet his grief stricken eyes.
“How could you Ava? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I step forward, but again he steps away from me, his hands up, stopping my retreat.
“Because I knew you would react this way, and when I spoke to you, I didn't want to talk about him.”
I know this is the worst thing I could possibly say to him, because now that the tables have turned, I look like the world’s biggest hypocrite by using his own words.
Jasper bites his lip and lets out a maniacal laugh, which sends shivers down my spine.
“And you had the nerve to reprimand me about Indie when you've done something so much worse.”
“I don't trust her Jasper. I’ve told you this.”
“You don't have to! You’re in a relationship with me, not her!” he yells animatedly.
Suddenly I remember her comment about Boston.
“I see the way she looks at you Jasper. She will stop at nothing till she has you. What happened in Boston?” I ask softly.
Jasper curses under his breath, pulling his hair to the point of it being painful.
I gasp, and gather the courage to murmur, “Judging by your reaction, it's safe to assume something bad happened.”
Jasper takes a minute to reply, and when he does, I really wish he didn’t.
“She kissed me alright,” he confesses, looking at me despondently.
My knees buckle, and I blindly slump onto the barstool before I lose my footing.
“Pardon?”
Surely I haven't heard him right.
“We were at some party, she was drunk and she... kissed me. It was over before it even begun. I told her to stop and I put her drunken ass in a cab to sober up, sending her home. She apologized the next day, explaining the alcohol got the better of her and we've forgotten it happened.”
My eyes must look like flying saucers.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No Ava, I'm not.” His curt reply hurts.
What the hell just happened? How have our exes managed to fuck us up beyond repair?
“And this just happened to slip your mind? You didn't think to tell me you and your ex shared a kiss?” I ask incredulously.
“We didn't share anything. Like I said, it was over before it begun. When her lips were on mine they felt wrong, because they weren’t yours.” He takes a step closer when he hears the catch in my voice, but we may as well be universes apart.
Looking around my small simple apartment, I wish I was anywhere but here.
“Is that meant to make me feel better? You hid this from me Jasper. You were dishonest this whole time,” I whisper, feeling bile rising up into my throat.
Jasper lunges forward, slamming his fist onto the kitchen counter. “Don't you dare lecture me about dishonesty! You’re the one that lied. I asked you time and time again if you had seen Harper, and you said no. You repeatedly lied to me. I didn’t tell you about Indie because nothing happened! I felt nothing! But you... with Harper, I know you feel something, and that’s why you never told me.”
Jumping up from my barstool, I grab onto his bicep and don’t let go.
“No! I feel nothing, do you hear me, nothing!” I am on the verge of tears.
I have been so good thus far, but I can hear the ache in Jasper’s voice and it hurts.
Jasper’s voice breaks as he clenches his jaw.
“How can I trust you?”
I am shaking all over and my voice stammers. “Please Jasper, let...let me explain. We were both dishonest with each other. Harper and I...”
But he doesn’t let me finish, he doesn’t let me explain that Harper means nothing to me.
As soon as Harper’s name slips pass my lips, he hisses, “No Ava, nothing will excuse the fact you lied to me, and I believed you...”
I can hear him holding back his pain, and the tears I have been
holding onto break free.
“Because I wanted to believe that you picked me over him,” he confesses, brokenheartedly.
“I did. I do! I want you. Harper is nothing to me. I don’t even see him often,” I cry loudly, wishing I could explain further, but he keeps cutting me off.
Jasper shakes his head, his hair falling into his eyes, shadowing his face.
“You should have told me.”
He's right, I should have told him, and I will do anything to make this right.
As I look into Jasper’s downcast eyes, I know he will never look at me the same way ever again, and that thought breaks a deep sob from my chest.
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Just let me explain.”
“I can't Ava.”
Snapping up my head, I search his unreadable face.
“You can't? What do you mean you can’t? I’m willing to put the Indie incident aside.” My voice is trembling, afraid of his reply.
“We are in a long distance relationship. If we don't have trust, then we have nothing. You made it clear you don't trust me about Indie, and now this,” he replies, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.
“I do. I do trust you!” I am crying uncontrollably with my nose running distastefully, but I could care less.
“No Ava, you don't. And I... I don’t trust you.” He reopens his eyes, and the look in his usual bright eyes is now filled with pain. “How can you expect me to trust you after this?” He takes a deep breath before he softly asks, “Have you had sex with him?”
My eyes widen in revulsion. “What? No! Of course not!” I yell, imploring him to believe me.
“Then why is he planning your future wedding?”
I slowly witness Jasper’s face contort with understanding.
“He doesn't know I exist does he?”
My lower lip trembles, and with nothing left to lose, I nod to answer him.
“I'm done.”
Choking on my tears, my body is convulsing in grief, and I can’t keep up with the tears running down my face. But I wipe them away quickly as I need to see his face, to see if he means it.
The hard look on his face breaks me as he won’t even listen to me.
“Don't say that. Please don't say that.” I am openly begging him not to leave me.
But Jasper is headed towards the door, and I buckle in half, holding my middle in grief.
“Goodbye Ava.”
Peering up at him, I witness the tears streaming down his face, and I will do anything to stop him from walking out on me. Running over to him and tripping over in my panic, I drop to my knees in front of him, surrendering to him.
“Jasper please, please, please, no. Please don’t leave me. I have to explain,” I can’t speak as my words are catching in my throat.
His hand is braced on the door handle, and I choke out, “You promised me you would never leave me. You promised you would wait for me.”
Jasper turns towards me, his parting words ripping out my heart.
“I made that promise to a girl who doesn’t exist.” I never thought I would witness such hurt in his eyes.
“Please, please don’t leave me,” I plead with him one last time.
I wish in this moment I could articulate something other than the ramblings of a desperate woman, but I can’t.
Jasper slowly shakes his head, and I know by that one action he will never forgive me.
“You're not the person I thought you were.”
And then he's gone.
I am staring at the door in beliefs he will come charging through it, accepting my apology when he allows me to explain.
But he doesn't. And I realize he never will.
A guttural sound breaks free of my chest, and then everything goes black.
Chapter 9
My Life Without Jasper
Singapore:
The next few days blur into one, and when one week becomes the next, I know I have lost Jasper.
I have continually tried to contact him, but with the time difference and his hectic touring schedule working against me, it makes it all but impossible for me to talk to him. What I want to say to him cannot be done over voicemail or text. I want to beg for forgiveness, and I am willing to do anything for him to offer me that absolution. But I know it’ll never come, and that realization sends me into a deeper spiral of despair. So I give up, and deal with my constant headache which is a reminder of how severely I’ve fucked up- again. You’d think I’d learned my lesson by now, but old habits die hard.
What else is constant is Harper’s role in my life after Jasper’s departure. He left me to wallow in self-pity for the first couple of days. But once I am into my second week, he arrives every day without fail with a bunch of Orchids, the universal flower for love, beauty and innocence. And this happens every day for a month. The colors always differ from pink, to blue, to white, and these flowers are the only things that provide me some comfort with their bright colors, and sweet perfume. The sentiment warms my heart, well warms it to a lukewarm temperature.
Harper tries to cheer me up, and I wish I could fake more of a happy response when I receive these flowers, but I just can’t. Only when he gives me purple Hyacinth’s, am I certain the flowers will stop. Purple Hyacinth’s represent regret, and typically when a bouquet is given, it is to express sadness over a situation and ask for forgiveness. I never question why he is asking for forgiveness because he has done nothing wrong.
Even though I never acknowledged him or his flowers, Harper still visits every day, and after a while, his company is tolerable. He has stayed with me every night, and rubbed my back or stroked my hair when I cried myself to sleep. I don’t know what it is, but having him here seems to make each day a teeny tiny bit more bearable.
When I stopped being a recluse 24/7, Harper manages to convince me to take a brisk walk around the block at least twice a week. It is always too bright and I always look a fright, but Harper doesn’t seem to care, and as much as I hate to admit, he helps me get through each day by holding my hand, or giving me a hug when I most need one. He does mundane things for me like collect my mail, or goes to the grocery store. Harper has been my saviour, and at times, he has helped me feel almost human again. I owe him.
Harper attempts, but fails miserably in encouraging me to indulge in a bit of retail therapy. I secretly think he is sick of seeing me wear the same sweatpants for a week. When I decline on every occasion, he then decides he will bring the retail world to me, and lavishes me with expensive gifts of shoes and clothes and accessories. I think he believes buying me these superficial goods is going to cheer me up, but he is wrong. Nevertheless, I accept his kindness and gifts with a half-smile, but I know I will never wear these overpriced, pretentious clothes, and they are put to the back of my closest, unworn.
V calls, explaining she is getting married to Lucas in eight weeks. Her spontaneity does not shock me, nor does the short time frame she’s given herself to get everything organized. When she asks me to be her Maid of Honor, I accept tearfully. Validating that the reason for the quick wedding is because she’s not knocked up, I tell her I will be there no matter what, and will jump on the first plane as soon as I get organized.
I know why she is unsure if I would be in attendance or not. I’ve told her about Jasper and I, and although she tries to subtly ask me about it, I would be blunter than her on most occasions and hang up. Or if she got too personal and asked questions I didn’t want to answer, I would go silent.
So here I am, lying on my lounge room floor with Too Sad to Cry by Imelda May on repeat, pondering where to go to next. I have reached the fourth month mark, or is it five, I’ve lost count, without a single word from him, and I know it’s over-but I can’t accept it. As I am staring up at my ceiling, the fan hypnotizing me with its spinning, I come to a decision, I need to call him. Fuck acceptance. I’m not accepting jack shit until I hear him tell me he doesn’t love me anymore.
Jumping up, the sudden movem
ent spins my head slightly as I can’t remember the last time I ate. Eating has been the least of my priorities during these depressing endless months, and if it wasn’t for Harper, there wouldn’t even be any food in my apartment. I only left my house to attend school and work, and even then, I shuffled around like the living dead.
Scampering around the room in a desperate search for my iPhone, I have to call Jasper, and I have to do it now before I chicken out. I can’t remember when I had it last, so my searching includes raiding every room until I discover its whereabouts.
Unbeknown to me, I have an audience.
“Lost something?” asks Harper, tossing keys onto the kitchen bench.
I don’t remember giving him a set of keys, but shrug it off as I have other important matters to attend to.
“Have you seen my phone?” I huff a little out of breath from my frantic searching.
“Your iPhone?”
Looking at Harper over my shoulder while tossing aside couch cushions, he is uncharacteristically casual in his dark blue jeans and a purple Ralph Lauren polo. His usual slicked hair is slightly unkempt, and he has a cocky smile spread across his lips. I wonder why the hell he is grinning like the Cheshire cat.
“Of course my iPhone. What other phone do I own?” I snap.
Harper shrugs, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms and ankles crossed.
“I replaced it with a Blackberry.”
“WHAT! When?” I yell, throwing a pillow at him in rage.
He ducks out of the way and scratches his chin in contemplation. “I don’t know. A month ago.”
Before I can stop myself, I am racing towards him, fists clenched. Jasper could have called during this time, and I have a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, this is the reason why I haven’t heard from him.
“How could you!”
He backs away, his hands up. “Whoa Ava, back up! What did I do wrong?”
That stops my rampage as I slow down and sigh, defeated. “I would have really appreciated you telling me this.”
Surrender to Me (I Surrender Trilogy Book 2) Page 7