Elegy

by Jane Abbott

  ‘How?’ Jenny asked.

  He sighed. ‘Honestly? I don’t know. I swear. But whatever happened, Michael’s different. I can’t explain it. Maybe Cait can, but it’s between them and it’s got nothing to do with how he feels about you.’

  ‘I have no idea how he feels about me,’ she said. ‘He doesn’t love me, though.’

  ‘Jen, get real. You’ve been going out, what, a month? Six weeks? Sure, he feels something for you. But love?’

  ‘I thought he was “the one”,’ she muttered, and Gabe stared, at a loss.

  ‘Bit soon to be thinking that, isn’t it?’ he asked, then shrugged. ‘Well, whether he was or he wasn’t, I don’t think he is any more. Sorry. Look, Michael’s no saint, but the two of you haven’t even –’ he stopped, correcting himself in time – ‘slept together. That has to tell you something.’

  ‘We were going to.’

  ‘Yeah, and whose idea was it? Yours or his?’

  She straightened then. ‘Not every guy’s obsessed with sex.’

  He couldn’t help laughing. ‘Yeah, we are. Actually, it’s pretty much all we think about, and as soon as we’ve done it we’re thinking about the next time.’

  ‘Men are pigs.’

  ‘Probably, but imagine a world without bacon.’ He waited for her smile, was pleased to see one corner of her mouth lift; she was so lovely when she smiled. ‘Everything happens for a reason, Jen. Fate and all that. I never used to believe in it, but now I’m not so sure.’

  ‘So you’re saying Caitlin and Michael are destined to be together? That’s even worse! How can I compete with that? With her.’

  ‘You can’t,’ he said, bluntly. ‘What I’m trying to say is, I don’t think normal applies to Michael. Or to Cait.’

  ‘But this is so much more than not normal, Gabe. I mean, for God’s sake, if they’re –’

  ‘No!’ he said, his voice hardening. ‘Bloody hell, they can barely be in the same room together.’

  ‘You should’ve told me,’ she accused. ‘It was already over. After the party. You should’ve told me all this at the start, before I got involved again.’

  ‘If I’d known, I would have. But I didn’t – I still don’t – and neither do you.’

  She didn’t say anything for a while, just twisted her fingers around his, grabbing then releasing. Her hand was warm and clammy, but he didn’t mind.

  Finally, she raised her head and looked at him. ‘I wish I’d met you that night instead. Then none of this would’ve happened.’

  Gabe brushed her cheek with his thumb, wiping away the tears. ‘If I’d got to you first, I would’ve been in your pants before the night was out.’ She looked startled by that, and he grinned, unashamed. ‘Hey, it’s what I do. And yeah, we might’ve gone out a few times –’

  ‘Wow. You sure have a high opinion of yourself.’

  ‘Not really. Look, Jen, what’s done is done, and you can’t undo it. You take what’s offered, enjoy it as long it lasts, and if you can learn from it, even better. Maybe it was meant to be this way and you were meant to meet Michael. Maybe you’ll even end up liking Cait too.’

  ‘Don’t push your luck.’

  ‘She’s not the enemy. The clothes, the way they act, it all fits. Think of them as – shit, I don’t know – kindred spirits, two halves, yin and yang, whatever.’

  ‘You’re really not making it any easier for me to like her,’ said Jenny.

  ‘Give it time,’ he replied.

  They sat there quietly as she thought it through. The school bell rang behind them.

  ‘I don’t get how you can be okay with this,’ she said at last.

  ‘Because I have to be.’

  ‘It’s that simple? Really?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s that simple. And as far as I can tell – you as well – nothing’s actually happened between them. Maybe it’s not s’posed to. But if it does, who the hell are we to judge? It’s not against the law.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter, Gabe. It’s gross.’

  He laughed again. ‘Now who’s obsessing about sex?’ When she looked away, he said hurriedly, ‘I’m pretty sure that whatever’s bugging Michael, all Cait’s doing is trying to help him.’

  ‘But how?’ Jenny insisted. ‘Why? It’s not like she can do what Michael does. She can’t, can she? Why’s she even involved?’

  ‘I don’t know, all right?’ Gabe was frustrated too. ‘I don’t. And no, I’ve never seen her do anything like Michael can. I don’t think she has his power, but she’s got something. She knew what to do that night, knew how to care for him, what he needed. She just knew.’

  ‘Power?’ Jenny latched onto the word. ‘You think Michael’s some kind of superhero with special powers? Jesus, Gabe, this isn’t a movie. There has to be a scientific explanation for what he did.’

  Gabe shrugged. ‘Okay, Einstein, then you explain what happened at the party. And tell me how Michael fixed his hand. Can you do that?’

  She gnawed at her lip. ‘No.’

  ‘Exactly. Weird things happen all the time, and not all of them can be explained. What if what Michael can do is science, but we’re not advanced enough to understand it? Look at what people used to believe – flat world, the sun revolving around Earth, all that crap. Now look at us. Maybe this can’t be explained yet either. Not in our lifetime, anyway.’

  ‘Stop making sense,’ she grumbled. ‘You’re confusing me.’

  ‘Join the club.’

  She didn’t say anything for a minute, and he sighed, hoping she’d drop it and give it time to sink in. But Jen wasn’t like that.

  ‘Gabe, you do realise if anyone finds out about this, about them –’

  ‘There’s nothing to find out,’ he cut in. ‘Not unless you tell them. And you don’t know enough to say anything.’

  She tilted her head, surprised. ‘You really love them, don’t you? I mean, Caitlin I get – she’s your sister. But Michael’s not even your brother. Not really.’

  ‘Depends on your point of view,’ Gabe replied shortly.

  ‘Well, right now it’d make it easier to think of him as not being your brother.’

  He stared at her. ‘Maybe it is for you. If that helps you deal with it, then fine. And it’d be great if the rest of the town thought the same way. It’d solve all our problems, wouldn’t it? But they don’t and neither do I.’

  ‘But, Gabe –’

  ‘No, you don’t get it. It’s not about blood or genetics. It’s about everything else. They’re family and I’ll do whatever I can to help them.’

  ‘Anything?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  She sighed, all miserable again. ‘Must be nice to feel that way about your family.’

  He’d been wondering when she’d get around to it. What she’d assumed about Michael was nothing compared to what her mother had revealed. And it was hard on her, no doubt about it – two blows in one go – but in Gabe’s experience, avoiding an issue didn’t make it any less real. So, ever practical, he told her exactly what she didn’t want to hear. ‘I think you need to cut your parents some slack.’

  ‘Why should I? They’re the ones who screwed everything up, pun absolutely intended.’

  ‘Everyone makes mistakes, Jen.’

  ‘No, Gabe. A mistake is when you send an email to the wrong person or you accidentally run over your neighbour’s cat. It isn’t having an affair for two years behind your wife’s back, or uprooting the whole family because you’re too much of a coward to leave him!’

  ‘Is that what you want? For them to split up?’

  ‘I don’t know what I want, but it’s not this. It’s not being forced to live in some tinpot town a million miles from anywhere.’

  ‘Stop exaggerating. And stop making this all about you.’

  She stared at him. ‘After everything I’ve told you, why’s it so hard for you to show some sympathy? Everyone else has.’

  ‘Who’s that then? Your friends back home? What did they say? Poor little
you? Aren’t parents the pits? Sorry, but I don’t think that’s what you need to be hearing right now.’

  ‘How would you know? Your life hasn’t been ruined. So maybe you need to butt out.’

  ‘And maybe you need to stop acting like a bloody kid. You go on and on about your mother keeping tabs on you, checking up on you all the time – well, maybe there’s a reason. You spent the last month lying through your teeth. You want to be treated like an adult? Grow up.’

  Anger gave way to tears. ‘Shut up!’

  ‘So your father had an affair. Big deal, happens all the time. But you moving here isn’t the worst thing that can happen, believe me.’

  ‘You don’t understand!’ Jenny wailed, and he gripped her hands tight.

  ‘Of course I do. It happened to me too. And to Michael. And to half the kids at school. You think you’re the only one? Jesus, Jen.’

  ‘Let go of me!’ Wriggling free, she scrambled to her feet, but he yanked her down again.

  ‘I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to deal with it – this, as well as Michael – and I get it. I do. But you need to set something right in your life, otherwise you’ll have nothing.’ He smiled then, and added, ‘Except maybe me.’

  When she sobbed, he pulled her to him, and this time she buried her face in his chest. Eventually, she stopped heaving and her breathing steadied.

  ‘Feel better?’ he asked, rubbing her back. She nodded her head against him and sniffed, loud and wet. ‘Good girl.’

  ‘God, don’t say that,’ she groaned.

  ‘What?’

  ‘“Good girl” – it’s so patronising.’ He laughed and kissed the top of her head lightly. Sitting up, she wiped her eyes. ‘Sorry about your shirt.’

  Gabe glanced down. ‘Not the first time.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet.’

  But he just smiled. ‘Let’s go back.’ He stood slowly, and pulled her up too.

  ‘Did you mean it?’ she asked. ‘What you said before about being there for me?’

  ‘Sure – whatever, whenever. You know that.’

  She nodded. ‘Thanks, Gabe.’ A deep breath and a hiccup. ‘So what happens now?’

  He brushed her hair from her face. ‘A bit of give and take, Jen. That’s all you need.’

  She grimaced. ‘You make it sound easy.’

  ‘It will be, once you start. And I’ll be around if you need me.’ Then he growled, ‘But next time I leave a bunch of messages on your phone, bloody well answer them.’

  ‘Okay.’ She hiccupped again.

  Putting his arm around her, hugging her to him, he took her back to school, but they only got as far as the gate before she stopped dead.

  ‘Gabe, I’ve just remembered. What about Casey? If he says –’

  ‘Casey’s a deadbeat. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.’

  Gabe slammed the locker door and Casey squealed like a pig. The final bell had rung ten minutes earlier and it was pretty much a given they wouldn’t be interrupted; no one stuck around school unless they had to. Even so, Matt hovered down the end of the corridor, keeping an eye out like Gabe had asked. Just in case.

  Casey squirmed and whimpered, trying to free his hand. Gabe gave the door a hard shove before letting go.

  ‘You arsehole! You broke it!’ Casey screamed.

  ‘Doubt it,’ Gabe said. ‘But don’t go giving me any ideas.’

  He was surprised by how little he was enjoying himself. He wasn’t a violent guy – there’d never been any need – but giving Casey what he deserved should’ve brought at least a twinge of pleasure. On the other hand, Gabe wasn’t too bothered about it. Casey was feral, plain and simple; if he were a dog, he’d have been put down years back.

  He watched Casey test his hand. ‘Don’t be such a baby. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to your arm.’

  Casey jerked his head up at that and glared. ‘What d’you want?’

  Gabe straightened; the other boy backed away. Casey had always been Michael’s problem, but now he was Gabe’s. And Gabe was going to be his. ‘You need to stay away from my family,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah? Or what?’

  ‘What are you, five?’ Gabe asked. ‘I mean it, Casey. You don’t come near, you keep your mouth shut and you forget about Michael. Is that clear?’

  Casey licked his lips and narrowed his eyes before giving a loud snort. It took Gabe a second to realise the guy was laughing.

  ‘She told you, didn’t she? What a bitch. I bet she didn’t tell you everything, though. Like how she dumped your brother ’cause he’s doing your sister? The things that go on in this town, huh? But don’t sweat it, you’ll get yours. We all know how you Websters like to keep everything in the family, right?’

  Gabe moved too fast for him. Grabbing him by the back of his neck, he hurled Casey across the corridor, slamming his face into the wall and mashing it hard against the grimy plaster. Casey squealed again, but Gabe didn’t care if he broke every bone in that thick head.

  ‘You sick sack of shit,’ he hissed in Casey’s ear. ‘If it’d been me that night at the party, I wouldn’t have broken your arm. I’d have snapped your bloody neck.’

  He ground Casey’s face some more and Casey pushed back, thrashing, until Gabe got hold of his arm and twisted it up behind his back, making the other boy whimper.

  ‘You know the best thing about living on a farm? We get to do a lot of hunting. Clear out the vermin, keep the place safe. But you know how it is. Accidents happen.’ Gabe twisted the arm some more and crushed him further. ‘If you ever set foot on our property again, if you ever bother Michael or Cait, or open your sick mouth and tell your filthy lies to anyone, you’re dead. Got that?’

  Easing up, he watched Casey’s face slide along the wall, leaving a smear of blood and sweat and spit. The boy’s fear rose in stinking waves, and Gabe tightened his grip on the arm, fighting the urge to puke, because it didn’t feel right. It was hot and swollen, black-skinned-banana soft and ready to burst. Rotted through, like the rest of him.

  ‘You can’t threaten me like that. I got a witness,’ Casey whined.

  ‘Yeah, I heard you had witnesses at the party too,’ Gabe said. ‘There was even a video. How’d that work out for you?’

  ‘Fuck you, Webster!’

  ‘See, that’s the problem with not having any mates, Casey. No one’s got your back.’

  Casey snorted again, making Gabe’s skin crawl. ‘You’d better watch your own back, arsehole. Can’t rely on friends always being around, ya know?’

  Gabe slammed him back into the wall and this time Casey howled.

  ‘One last thing,’ Gabe said, his voice low and deep. ‘If you ever – ever – talk about Jen like that again, if you so much as look at her sideways, I’ll kill you. But I’ll do it real slow and make it hurt so much you’re going to think that night Michael broke your arm was a fucking picnic.’

  ii

  The bedroom door banged shut, startling Michael; he quickly shut off the computer before turning. It was late, the room still and stifling, and he’d been enjoying the faint waft of air that climbed the stairs from the cooler rooms below. But whatever it was his brother had come to say, it was clear he didn’t want to be overheard. Nor did he waste any time.

  ‘Caught up with Jen today. Reckon you’ve blown it, mate.’

  ‘Why? What’d she say?’ Michael asked.

  ‘That you and Cait are having it off.’ Gabe frowned. ‘Is that true?’

  ‘Jesus!’ Cait? Was Gabe kidding?

  ‘Look, Michael, it’s your business. But if you are –’

  ‘Shit, no! We’re not, okay? Not Cait. Never Cait.’ Michael stared at his brother, wanting to laugh, hoping this was just a sick joke, but Gabe wasn’t laughing. ‘I have no idea why Jenny would think that, let alone tell you. But, no. I swear. Cait and I had a fight, Jenny saw it and I … I don’t know. I screwed up, okay? I screwed everything up.’

  ‘She told me about the fight. Your hand too.’ Gabe sighed. ‘Tw
o thousand bloody acres, and you go and pull a stunt like that right on the boundary. You’re lucky it was only Jen who saw it.’

  ‘Yeah. I know.’ Michael rubbed his face. ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘No. She’s got a lot on her plate right now, so maybe you need to lay off for a while. Give her time to sort it.’

  Michael hadn’t called her or messaged, hadn’t asked her to explain why she’d run off. He’d known there was no point. He’d known since Saturday, when Cait had come to the shed and wrenched him away from everything he’d been trying so hard to hold on to: the life he’d known, a last shot at normalcy … Jenny. Maybe he’d known all along. He nodded. ‘Anything else?’

  Gabe crossed to the bed and sat down, his elbows digging into his knees. ‘What is going on with you and Cait then? I mean, it was bad enough before, but now it’s like … I don’t know, Michael, it’s fucked.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I didn’t ask before because I figured you’d work it out. But maybe you need to tell me what’s going on. Casey’s been sniffing around, and unless I know what I’m dealing with, I can’t help you.’

  Michael scowled when he heard Casey’s name, and Gabe’s face filmed with sweat. The room was suddenly hotter, the air dead.

  ‘I can deal with Casey,’ said Michael.

  ‘I think the less you do, the better. Just tell me what happened that night at the party – and after. Come on, mate.’

  Michael stared at the floor. He wanted to. Gabe had always been the one to take charge, to protect and defend and get them all out of any trouble. But this wasn’t something Gabe could fix. Standing, he walked to the door and opened it. ‘Maybe you should ask your sister,’ he said, without looking back. ‘She knows everything, apparently.’

  iii

  Little ducks, all in a row. One winged, two still to shoot. But the fourth I’m going to stuff and mount on a wall for the world to see. So Gabe wants to kill me, huh? Well, whoop-de-fuckin’-do. Now I’m going to return the favour.

  Every now and then it occurred to Todd that he might be losing his mind, that he’d slid into a crack along the straight and narrow while others marched on ahead, and now he played subterranean games with other maddened things. But the idea of it didn’t particularly alarm him. There was freedom to be found in the dark, and hadn’t Todd been made to feel oh-so-welcome?