He spoke like he was trying to put me in my place. But I was a grown man, not the boy he used to have so much power over. “Yeah. What’s your problem with me?”
My father didn’t say anything.
I laughed. I shouldn’t have been surprised. “I’ve done everything I could to make up for the fact that I wasn’t drafted in the NFL. I know you were disappointed. Hell, I was disappointed. But I couldn’t spend my life wishing things had gone differently when I was so young. I needed to find something else. And that was joining the fire academy. I guess I thought it would be enough for you, but you clearly don’t give a damn. You never have.”
He still didn’t say a word. He just stared at me blankly.
I shook my head. “I’m done trying, Dad. I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted. I’m sorry all your hard work was for nothing. But I’m not sorry for my choices. I did everything I possibly could to make it better. And it’s finally hit me that none of it will ever be enough for you. So I’m done.” I raked my fingers through my hair and turned away from him.
I walked across the patio. The urge to look back at him was almost overwhelming. But I didn’t. I kept marching.
I went straight through the living room where Genevieve was dusting. She called my name, but I kept going. There was no sense in stopping now.
Everything I’d wanted to say for the last twelve years had finally come out, and I felt better. Even if he hated me for it, I felt better. He needed to hear it as badly as I needed to say it. It was like I’d been carrying a giant weight on my shoulders and I’d finally tossed it aside in favor of marching my own path.
For real this time.
30
Mel
Kylee was concentrating so hard that her tongue was sticking out and her forehead was creased like that of an old man’s. She was sprinkling a mix of seasoning on top of the six chicken breasts I’d set on the baking pan, and being the perfectionist that she was, she was doing everything in her power to make sure each one looked almost the same.
She got that from me.
“It looks great, Kylee,” I told her when she was done.
She smiled at me and rubbed her hands on her apron. I’d bought it for her the previous Christmas, and it said ‘Mommy’s Helper’ across the front in purple writing. “Thanks, Mommy. I’m already starving.”
I went over to the stool she was standing on and slid her to the sink. “Now you have to wash your hands.”
“Why?”
“Because I just saw you wipe them on your apron like it was a towel.”
“You do that all the time.”
I blinked at her. “Do as I say, not as I do.” I turned on the sink and pumped soap into her hands. We both washed up, and then I patted her hands dry with my kitchen towel. “All right. We should be good to put the chicken in the oven, and then in about fifteen minutes, we can toss the salad. Sound good?”
“Sounds good!” Kylee said as she climbed down from her kid’s step stool. “Can I have juice?”
I glanced at the clock. It was almost six thirty. “If you have juice now, you’ll only be able to have water with dinner.”
Kylee frowned as she thought about it. “Okay. I’ll wait.”
I patted her head. “Sounds good, kiddo.” I grabbed us each a glass of water, and we both went to sit on the sofa for fifteen minutes before it was time to mix the salad.
Those were my favorite kind of nights. I loved spending time alone with Kylee, and having her as a little helper in the kitchen made me feel less alone. She was always engaged and liked doing everything she could to help—everything I would let her do, that was. She often offered to cut cheese or vegetables, but her wielding a knife made me too nervous. Maybe in a couple years, I would let her move to the bigger things like that.
As soon as my butt hit the sofa, the doorbell rang. I put my water on the coffee table and patted Kylee’s knee as I got up. “I’ll be right back, kiddo.”
“Who is it?” Kylee asked.
I shrugged as I walked toward the door. “I’m not sure. Let’s find out.”
When I opened the door, I found Hayden standing there. He was dressed in blue jeans and a white V-neck, and I didn’t stop myself from soaking in the sight of him from head to toe. He looked hotter than sin, as always.
“Hey,” I said, opening the door up all the way.
“Hey,” he said.
“What’s up? Are you all right?” He looked distant. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something about the look in his eyes that made me think he was upset about something. “Do you want to come in? Kylee and I have dinner cooking, and there’s tons of food. You could help us get rid of some of it?”
The sadness in him slipped away a little bit, and he nodded. “As long as I’m not intruding.”
“Intruding? Never. Come on.” I stepped aside and let him come inside. “Kylee, come see who’s here!”
I heard Kylee’s heels hit the floor, and seconds later, she was shooting toward us. “Hi, Hayden!”
“Hey, Kylee,” he said, dropping down to her level and messing with her a bit. She giggled, and he laughed, and soon, the tension he’d been carrying in his shoulders was gone. I stood back and watched them with my hands on my hips.
“Are you staying for dinner?” Kylee asked.
Hayden got to his feet and nodded. “Yeah. Your mom was nice enough to invite me. What did you guys make?”
“There’s chicken and potatoes and salad.” Kylee nodded affirmatively.
I nudged his ribs with my elbow. “And homemade crème Brule for later.”
Hayden stared at me. “Homemade crème Brule? I might just have to propose.”
I felt my cheeks grow hot, and I giggled before waving him away and going into the kitchen. “Come on. Do you want a drink?”
“If you have juice now, you can’t have one with dinner,” Kylee said as she followed Hayden into the kitchen.
Hayden chuckled. “A household rule, I presume?”
“Mommy’s rule,” Kylee said.
Hayden looked at me. “You’re a stone-cold anti-juice monster.”
I shook my head and laughed at him. “There’s a lot of sugar in it. And there’s a certain someone in this room who gets very loud and very wired after two cups. And then she doesn’t sleep, and it’s a school night.”
Kylee grinned bashfully, showing all the gaps in her mouth of her missing teeth.
Hayden leaned over to her. “I get hyper if I drink too much juice, too. How about I stick with water?”
I poured him a glass, and he and Kylee sat down at the island in the kitchen as I prepared and mixed the salad. The timer went off for the chicken and potatoes in the oven, and I pulled them out to let them stand for five minutes. Then I plated everyone’s meals, and we took our food to the table. I poured Kylee her glass of juice and cut up her chicken into bite-sized pieces.
“All right, dig in,” I said.
Hayden was quiet during his first couple of bites, but then he announced, “This might just be the most delicious meal I’ve ever had.”
“You should try Mommy’s spaghetti. It’s my favorite.”
“Maybe I should,” Hayden agreed. After eating a couple more bites, he washed it down with water. “So Kylee, how is school going?”
Kylee put her cutlery down and turned to him. “It’s so much fun. Today we painted with our fingers. I painted a picture of a tree. I couldn’t take it home because the paint was wet. But it’s nice. And really green. Nelson painted a truck.”
“Nelson, huh?” Hayden asked, glancing up at me. I smiled.
“Yep.” Kylee nodded. “I like Nelson. He’s really nice. I was mad at him after I fell. But now I’m not mad anymore. I like talking to him.”
“As long as he’s always nice to you, he sounds like a good friend,” Hayden said. “Friends are good.”
“Friends are good,” Kylee agreed.
I couldn’t stop smiling. It was sweet that Hayden cared enough to e
nforce friendship rather than lead into the whole boyfriend conversation or commenting on how it sounded like she had a crush on Nelson. He understood that it was normal. But he put the emphasis on what mattered: friendship and respect.
After dinner, Hayden cleared the table and did the dishes. Kylee went into the bathroom with me and had her bath. When she was all clean and her hair was braided, we all went into the living room to watch an episode of one of Kylee’s favorite cartoons. Hayden asked her a bunch of questions about it, and she answered all of them. Soon, he knew more about the show than I did, and he made jokes with her about the characters.
She loved every second of it.
I’d thought for the longest time that sitting on the sofa in the living room I used to share with my husband would bother me. I was so sure that I would feel like I was betraying Evan. But I didn’t feel that way at all. I felt whole.
Which was so incredibly strange.
There’d been something missing in my life for three years; something wonderful, and supportive, and caring. I hadn’t had anybody but myself, and keeping my chin up all this time had been grueling work. With Hayden, it felt like I could relax a bit. I could sit back and let him play with Kylee. I could let her have fun with someone I trusted. I could let her start caring about him.
It still scared the hell out of me, but it also felt really good.
Evan would have wanted this for me. He wouldn’t have wanted me to carry on alone forever.
When the episode ended, I told Kylee to say goodnight to Hayden. She stood up on the sofa and gave him a big hug around the neck. Hayden hugged her back and locked eyes with me over her shoulder. He smiled, patted her back, and then held her at arm’s length. “Have a good sleep, Kylee. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded. She hopped down from the couch and took my hand. “Goodnight, Hayden,” she said as we walked down the hall and into her bedroom.
“Goodnight, Kylee,” he called after us.
I got Kylee into bed and tucked her blankets up under her chin. “Tonight was fun, wasn’t it?”
She yawned and nodded. “A lot of fun. I like Hayden, Mommy. He should come over more often.”
“You’d like that?”
Kylee nodded again as her eyelids grew heavy.
I kissed her forehead. “I think I would like to have him over more often, too. Sleep tight, kiddo. I love you.”
“Love you too, Mommy,” she whispered.
I stood up and left the room. I let her door stay open a sliver and walked back into the living room to sit beside Hayden. I cuddled up into his side and rested my hand on his knee. “I’m glad you’re here. Kylee had a fun night.”
“I did too,” he said, pressing his lips to the top of my head as I curled into him.
I glanced up at him. “Did you come to talk to me about something?”
He looked down. “Sorry?”
“You seemed bothered when you first got here. Like there was something on your mind. Is everything okay?”
“Oh. Yeah. I just went and talked to my dad today. About everything. Well, sort of talked to him. I think a more accurate description was I got mad, gave him a piece of my mind, and stormed off like an angry teenager.”
I leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Do you think he heard you?”
Hayden shrugged. “I don’t know. He didn’t say a damn thing. He just sort of stared at me like I was an alien. Like nothing I said made any sense to him.”
I put my hands on his chest and pushed myself up straighter. “Maybe he had no idea you felt this way?”
“How could he not?”
I sighed and played with the collar of his white V-neck. “I don’t know. But from my personal experience, I can tell you that people are foolish sometimes. They can’t see what’s right in front of them. And a lot of the time, they can’t see how their actions—or their failure to take action—affects other people. I’m not trying to defend your dad. I just wonder if he’s clueless rather than cruel. Does that make sense?”
Hayden nodded and rested his head against the back of the sofa. “It does.”
I draped my legs over his lap and reached up to run my fingers through his hair. “I’m proud of you, Hayden. You’re a good man. Anyone who knows you knows that. And I’m sure your father feels the same way.”
Hayden took my free hand in his, and we entwined our fingers. We stayed like that for a long time without saying anything.
There wasn’t anything that needed to be said.
31
Hayden
Mav, Trace, Allen, Maddox, and Derek were all gathered around the kitchen table at the firehouse when I arrived in the morning. There was a cup of coffee left in the pot, so I poured myself some and sat down between Mav and Derek.
“’Sup, man.” Allen nodded at me.
“Morning,” I said as I sipped my coffee.
They had all stopped talking to say hello to me, but once I was seated, they went back to their conversation. Derek was trying to arrange a fishing trip for all of us.
“I’m telling you, we’d all fit no problem,” Derek said. “We just couldn’t all fish off the back of the boat at once.”
“What’s the weight limit on that little row boat of yours?” Allen asked.
“It’s not a rowboat,” Derek growled defensively.
“Well, it’s about the same size,” Allen said.
The guys all chuckled, and Derek puffed out his chest. “Fine then. You don’t have to come. You’re the biggest out of us anyway. You’ll just overcrowd us.”
“You alone on that boat is overcrowding,” Allen said.
More chuckling.
Derek grumbled and slumped back in his seat. “It’s not that small. She’s a fine size.”
“I’d like to go,” Maddox chimed in. “I’ve never gone fishing before.”
“Of course you haven’t, rookie,” Derek said lazily. “Do we really have to teach you everything? Is there anything you bring to the table?”
Maddox frowned.
“Ignore him, rookie,” Trace said. “His ego is just sore from us poking fun at his dinghy.”
“It’s not a dinghy!” Derek barked.
Everyone snorted with laughter, and I stared into the darkness of my black coffee. I’d felt good when I was at Mel’s place last night, but as soon as I got home and was left alone with my thoughts, I’d been able to do nothing but play the conversation with my father over and over again in my head on an anxiety inducing loop. I was angry, disappointed, and ashamed that I hadn’t stood up for myself sooner. I was thirty-one, for fuck’s sake, and that was the first time I’d stood my ground against him.
Derek nudged me in the shoulder. “Come on, man. Back me up here. My boat isn’t that small, right? You’ve been on it.”
I glanced up. “What?”
“My boat,” Derek said.
“What about it?” I asked.
Derek blinked at me. “What’s your deal this morning?”
“Nothing,” I said as I looked back down at my coffee and took a sip.
I saw Derek exchange a look with the others. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything else, and they all went back to poking fun of his boat. When they tired of that, they shifted to Maddox and made fun of him for not knowing how to do literally anything.
“What can you do, rookie?” Mav asked, crossing his arms on the table and leaning forward. “Come on. What’s something you’re really good at?”
“Uh,” Maddox stammered. “I’m a decent soccer player.”
“Decent?” Derek snickered.
Maddox opened his mouth to defend himself, but just as the words were about to come out, the fire alarm went off.
“Saved by the bell.” Trace winked at Maddox.
We were all on our feet and rushing to the garage. We had our gear on in less than thirty seconds and were in the truck. Rinehart was there, and he hopped into the driver’s seat. The address came through the radio. Another house fire. The dispatche
r told us the family had made it out of the house, but the flames were growing and risked setting the neighbors houses ablaze.
“What the hell is with people this month?” Allen grumbled behind me in the truck. “Setting their houses on fire left and right.”
We saw the blaze a mile away, and when we turned down the street, a massive crowd had already gathered. The truck wasn’t even at a stop yet, and we were swinging ourselves out the doors and rushing to hook up our hoses to the fire hydrant. Rinehart went on immediate crowd control and bellowed in his authoritative voice for people to get back.
A woman broke free of the crowd and rushed across the lawn.
Derek reached out and caught her as she tried to run by us. He wrapped his arm around her waist and wrenched her back as she kicked and screamed at him.
“My baby’s in there!” Her voice was shrill with panic. Her face was covered in soot, and it was streaked in tears. “My baby! My baby! Let me go!”
I looked up at the house.
The flames hadn’t caught the roof yet, but they were billowing out the windows. The whole bottom level was ablaze, and the second level was thick with smoke. I assessed the odds of surviving in the inferno.
If there was someone inside, there was about a five percent chance they had managed to stay conscious enough to keep low and find somewhere where there was the least amount of fire and smoke.
“Ma’am, we’re here to help,” Derek was saying to the woman. “Please let us do our jobs. You running in won’t help. Deep breaths now, okay? Is your child inside?”
My head swung back to the woman as she nodded. She clung to the front of Derek’s jacket as her knees gave out and she sank to the grass. “Please,” she sobbed.
Derek held her shoulders as she cried. “How old is your child?”
“He’s three,” she said.
Suddenly, all I could picture was Kylee trapped in a fire and Mel sitting in the grass.
I looked back at the house.
“Hayden!” Derek yelled my name. “Hayden! Wait for Rinehart!”
He knew what I was thinking. He knew I was going for it. If there was a child in there, I couldn’t wait. Rinehart was far away. He was on the other side of the street. He didn’t know there was a child inside. There wasn’t supposed to be anyone inside.
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