“Come on, darlin’.” He laid a gentle arm over my shoulders. “Ya look like you’re done.”
“Done like dinner,” I agreed, and dragged myself over to the security wicket to sign out.
In his SUV, I laid my head back while he drove the few minutes to the hotel. Anxiety nagged at me. I should be back at the farm, protecting Spider and Linda as well as Alicia and Daniel. What kind of lousy hostess leaves her guests at home and goes to a hotel? Especially when her guests might be in danger…
“Aydan?” Hellhound’s quiet voice broke into my thoughts. “You’re worryin’ about not bein’ at the farm, ain’t ya?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I feel like I should be there. What if something happens?”
“Well, darlin’…” He pulled into a slot in the hotel parking lot and turned to face me. “Ya know how ya told Kane he was too tired to think straight an’ he oughta listen to his friends?”
I nodded slowly, knowing what was coming.
“Well, this is your friend tellin’ ya that ya ain’t thinkin’ straight. After what ya went through today, ya need some time. You’re gonna be wakin’ up screamin’ tonight, an’ that ain’t gonna do your company any good. An’ Kane got nearly four hours a’ sleep in the car, so he’s in better shape than you anyway.”
“But, Arnie, he’s not expecting any trouble. And somebody’s trying to stop the wedding tomorrow, and they’ve been threatening Spider and Linda. I don’t know whether it’s the guy I left in the woods or somebody else… or…” I groaned and clutched my aching head. “Hell, maybe it’s both.”
He frowned. “That’s bad, darlin’, but whoever it is, I can’t see ‘em attackin’ a houseful a’ people tonight. They’d wanna take out just the bride an’ groom; or else they’d wanna take ‘em out plus hurt as many a’ their friends as they can. Either way I’d put my money on an attack at the weddin’ tomorrow.”
I let my face fall into my hands. “Is this supposed to be making me feel better?”
“Nah.” He reached over to stroke my hair. “It’s supposed to be makin’ ya go in the hotel an’ get some sleep. I don’t think anythin’s gonna happen at the farm tonight, an’ if it does, Kane’ll handle it. Ya know what his reflexes are like, ‘specially after this week. An’ he’s got Daniel to protect. Trust me, nobody’s gonna get by him.” He coaxed my hands away from my face. “Come on, darlin’, let’s go check in.”
Hesitating, I forced my tired brain to follow his logic. I wasn’t sure if it really made sense, but I was too exhausted to figure it out. And if he was confident Kane could handle anything, surely Kane and Moonbeam and Karma together would be unstoppable.
Hellhound was still waiting patiently, and I sighed and nodded. We slid out of the SUV and he retrieved his duffel bag and guitar from the rear hatch while I shouldered my backpack.
When we closed the hotel room door behind us a few minutes later, it felt like an escape to a safe haven despite the steady muffled thump of bass from the bar below. Lowering my backpack to the floor, I stepped into Arnie’s arms, my battered soul yearning for his comfort.
He kissed me slowly and gently and I let my body soften and mold to his, pressing closer to tease him with my tongue.
He pulled away a few inches, stroking my hair back from my face, and I eyed his troubled expression.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I…” He stepped back, taking his warmth with him. “I need a bit a’ space. Sorry.”
“Oh.” Confusion and disappointment chilled me, and I fought the urge to wrap my arms around myself. “Okay. I’ll get a separate room.”
“No, stay.”
When I frowned up at him he made a frustrated gesture, his hands closing as if to grasp thin air. “I… I’m kinda fucked up right now. I just need a bit a’ time. Go to bed, darlin’. I’m gonna play for a while. Or…” He hesitated. “If you’d rather get a separate room, it’s okay…”
“No, I like to hear you play, and I want to stay with you.”
Relief softened his face. “Thanks, Aydan.” He nodded toward the bathroom. “You’re up first.”
The notes of his guitar started while I was brushing my teeth, and by the time I slipped out into the room again he was locked away in his world of music. His expression brooding, he stared into nothingness while his gifted fingers coaxed a haunting melody from the strings. The minor key made me shiver, and I undressed rapidly and slipped into bed without disturbing him.
I tried to listen for a while but my eyelids were too heavy, and the dark current of music carried me into equally dark dreams. Several times I half-woke from nightmares to Arnie’s soothing voice and hands, but each time the music started again and carried me back to a cold black place where I fought the brutal grasp of unseen enemies.
The cessation of music roused me. Moving quietly for such a big man, Hellhound shed his T-shirt and turned off the lamp before sliding in beside me still wearing his jeans.
Cuddling close, I laid an arm over his chest and whispered, “Better?”
He stiffened. “Sorry, darlin’, I thought ya were sleepin’.”
I reached across him to click on the lamp again so I could look down at him on the pillow. “Hoped I was sleeping, you mean.”
He stared up at me expressionlessly for a moment before his face softened into resignation and he sighed. “Yeah.”
I stroked his cheek. “Your music usually helps. It didn’t this time?”
“Nah.” He blew out a short breath. “It happens. Go back to sleep, darlin’.”
“No, talk to me. What’s bothering you?”
“I’m fine. Just bagged.” He turned off the lamp. “G’night.”
I clicked it on again. “You promised not to lie to me.”
“For shit’s sake, Aydan, let it be!” He locked his fingers together, knuckles whitening. “I…” He drew a couple of ragged breaths, then lurched out of bed. “I gotta go.”
Springing up, I leaped across the room and pressed my back to the door, arms and legs wide to block his path. “You’re not leaving here until you tell me what’s wrong. After that I’ll let you go if that’s what you really want.”
“Aydan…” His fists balled into hard knots, his expression tortured. “Ya can’t stop me.” He opened his fists again, holding his hands away from his body as if to divorce himself from them. “Don’t ya get it? Ya can’t stop me. I could… I could… do anythin’ to ya, an’ ya couldn’t stop me. I could hurt ya so bad…”
Sudden comprehension flooded me. The women in the shed.
“But you wouldn’t,” I said softly. “You’d never hurt me like that.”
“Ya don’t know that, Aydan. How can ya know that? My ol’ man was like that, so why wouldn’t I be?” He stood in the centre of the room, a mountain of deadly muscle utterly helpless to defend himself against his own torment. “If I snapped… Aydan, I can hit somebody so fast an’ hard they can’t even fight back. It doesn’t matter how brave ya are or how hard ya try; your body just shuts down when ya get hit like that. An’ then…” He threw an anguished glance at my Glock on the nightstand. “You’re standin’ there naked sayin’ you’d stop me, but ya couldn’t even get to your gun. You’d just… suffer. For as long as I wanted.”
“But, Arnie…” I moved toward him and he backed away, locking his hands behind his back as if afraid they would attack me of their own volition. “Arnie, listen to me. You don’t want to. You’d never do that. I saw how you reacted when you opened that shed door. You weren’t aroused, you were sickened.”
“I damn near puked,” he said quietly. “But what if I didn’t? What if I looked in there an’… an’…”
“But you didn’t. And you wouldn’t,” I soothed. “And even if you did get aroused, you’d still be in control of yourself. You have more self-control than any guy I’ve ever known.”
“Yeah, until I lost it,” he said hollowly. “An’ then I killed a guy.”
“No, you defended yourself against a man who�
�d tortured you your entire life and who had just told you he was going to beat you to death,” I corrected. “That’s not the same. I’m talking about when you’re with me. Even when we’re in bed together and you’re really enjoying yourself, there’s always some little piece of you that’s holding back. You never lose yourself. You’re always watching to see what I want; how you can make it better for me.” I tried for a joke. “I swear if we were going at it and you were one stroke away from coming your brains out, you’d still quit on the spot if I said ‘stop’.”
Hellhound gave me an affronted scowl. “What kinda fuckin’ asshole would I be if I didn’t?”
“You’d be a pretty normal guy,” I said gently.
“No, I’d be a fuckin’ asshole.” He glared at me, but his anger was all for himself. “So it’s okay to keep goin’ for one stroke after ya say stop? How about two? How about ten? How about forcin’ ya even when ya say no? How about rippin’ out all your goddam teeth so I can fuck your face in comfort…”
His voice broke and he scrubbed his hands roughly over his face. “An’ ya know what the worst part is?” he choked out. “You’d forgive me. ‘It’s okay, Arnie, it was just a flashback. It’s okay, Arnie, ya didn’t mean to do it’.” He jerked his hands down to face me, his eyes glittering with unshed tears. “It ain’t okay! It ain’t ever okay!”
“But you believe that right to the bottom of your soul,” I said softly. “So why would you think you’d ever act differently?”
He stood in silence, his chest heaving with emotion.
“And I wouldn’t forgive you,” I added. “I’d shoot you, just like I promised.”
“You’re lyin’,” he said quietly. “I know ya wouldn’t.”
“I’m not lying,” I lied with all the sincerity I could muster. “I promised I’d shoot you if you ever lost control, and you know I keep my promises.”
“Ya wouldn’t keep that one.” He drew a deep shuddering breath. “An’ even if ya tried, I could stop ya.”
“You could, but you wouldn’t.”
His head drooped. “You’re right,” he whispered. “If I ever hurt ya I’d wanna die.”
I crept a little closer, but he didn’t back away this time.
Closer still.
When I reached up to caress his cheek with my fingertips he flinched as though I’d slapped him.
“I can’t do this, Aydan,” he rasped. “Ya gotta let me go.”
“Not yet.” Reaching for his hand, I stroked his clenched fingers until they relaxed, then pressed a kiss into his palm.
He jerked away. “Don’t.”
“Arnie…” I began, but he was staring at his hands with loathing.
“Aydan, ya watched me kill a guy in cold blood today. After that I dragged those guys out to the bears an’ loaded ‘em down with bait. Judge, jury, an’ executioner. These hands…” He held them away from himself. “They’ve killed so many people…”
“And they’ve created such magic, too,” I countered softly. “Today you did what you had to do. We all did.”
“Ya didn’t kill anybody,” he disagreed. “Ya ain’t like me.”
“You’re right, I didn’t.” I gently captured his hand again. “But you expected me to. The first thing you said when I came out of the woods alone was ‘did you kill him’. You know we’re more alike than you want to admit. Hate yourself if you want, but then you need to hate me, too.”
“Ya didn’t kill anybody,” he repeated stubbornly.
I sighed and let my forehead fall against his chest. “No, I did that a few days ago. I double-tapped a guy, got out my disposable coveralls and cleaned up the mess, dumped his body in the back of his SUV, and then went to bed and slept like a baby. No nightmares, nothing. The only thing I felt was pissed off that he’d left a bullet hole in my car.”
Hellhound went still, and when I looked up he was staring down at me. “When was that?”
I did a mental count, my brain sluggish with fatigue. “Wednesday night, after I got home from Edmonton. God, that seems like years ago.”
“Ya didn’t say anythin’ about it when I talked to ya yesterday.”
I shrugged. “I couldn’t talk freely. And anyway, it was just part of my job. Same as yours.”
“But…” He frowned down at me. “It damn near broke your heart to shoot that poor fuckin’ bear. I could see it in your face.”
“Just like it would have broken yours,” I said softly. “So we’re more alike than you want to admit. And we aren’t our jobs.”
“But, darlin’…” He took my hands in his and we stood looking down at them together. “Don’t ya ever worry that… someday… ya just… won’t feel anythin’ at all anymore?”
“Yeah.” The word came out on a shaky breath. “Every time. Every time, I feel like… a little piece of my soul dies. But…” I brought our clasped hands to my lips and brushed a kiss across his knuckles. “Today, when you killed that guy… it had to be done. You didn’t hesitate, but you didn’t enjoy it, either. You’re still a good person. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be trying so hard to push me away.”
I reached up to kiss him. “It’s not going to work, by the way. Just so you know.”
Some of the tension went out of him at last. “I dunno why ya like me,” he whispered. “But I’m glad ya do.”
“Of course I do.” I gave him a smile. “What’s not to like? Come to bed.” I tugged him in that direction, but he moved a reluctant couple of steps before stopping again.
“I better not, darlin’. I’m gonna have nightmares like ya wouldn’t believe. I might hurt ya in my sleep.”
“Arnie, we’ve been through this before.” I cupped his face in my hands so I could look into his eyes. “Even after you killed your da- …old man, we slept in the same bed and you were fine.”
“I was shit-faced,” he countered. “Passed-out drunk. I’m sober tonight.”
Letting my hands fall to my sides, I fought the urge to curl into a ball and cry. “So go down to the bar and get drunk…”
“Bar’s closed, darlin’,” he reminded me, and I realized there was no thumping bass anymore, only the silence of a sleeping hotel at three o’clock in the morning.
“Arnie, please!” I couldn’t quite keep the tears of desperation from my eyes. “I need you tonight. Please just come to bed.”
His face softened. “Okay, darlin’. Tell ya what. Ya put those new steel-reinforced hand restraints on me, an’ I’ll come to bed. At least it’ll give ya a fightin’ chance if I can’t swing at ya in my sleep.”
Too tired to argue, I delved into my backpack. “Do you need a bathroom break first?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Okay, I’ll leave the cutters on the table beside you in case you need to get loose in the night.”
He nodded agreement, and a few minutes later I was cuddled close to his warmth, my mind already drifting toward slumber.
“Aydan?” His quiet rasp roused me just before sleep claimed me.
“Mm?”
“How d’ya do it? How d’ya stay sane?”
“Uh?” I struggled back to wakefulness. “You think this is what sanity looks like? You’re more fucked up than I thought.”
He chuckled. “That ain’t what I meant. I meant…” He hesitated for so long I was almost asleep when he spoke again in reflective tones. “I been in combat zones where ya don’t know who the hostiles are. Ya never trust anybody an’ you’re never safe. But that’s what it’s like all the time, bein’ a woman, ain’t it? Ya never know when some asshole’s gonna hurt ya just ‘cause he can. How can ya ever trust any guy enough to fall asleep next to him?”
I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder. “Good instincts and cautiousness help. But sometimes you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time and there’s nothing you can do. You just have to live with the risk.”
“That’s fucked up. Nobody should hafta live like that.”
“Well…” I snuggled closer. “It he
lps to know that there are only a few bugfuck crazies who really like hurting women, and there are a hell of a lot of good guys who treat women well. And there are lots of guys who’d put their lives on the line to protect a woman. And…”
I trailed a row of kisses up to his lips. “…there’s one guy who’ll go to bed wearing hand restraints because the thought of hurting a woman, even accidentally, makes him sick. I keep those ratios in mind when I’m walking down the street.”
“Huh.” I felt him shake his head on the pillow. “I still say it’s fucked up.” He placed a gentle whiskery kiss on my forehead. “G’night, darlin’. Sleep tight.”
“As long as you’re here, I will.”
Chapter 49
Bladder nearly bursting, I rolled away from Hellhound’s warmth and slipped out of bed to hurry to the bathroom. When I returned he was awake, his hands free of the restraints and a smile on his lips.
“’Mornin’, darlin’,” he greeted me, and I slid under the covers and into his arms.
“Good morning.” I gave him a kiss. “How did you sleep?”
He shrugged. “Not as bad as I thought.”
“Good.” I snuggled closer, then sighed and pulled back when my conscience twinged. “I guess I’d better get back to the farm.”
“What’s your hurry?” He slid a persuasive hand up my arm, then around my shoulder to stroke languorously down my back. “Take a bit a’ time, darlin’.”
“Mmmm.” My eyelids dipped to half-mast as my muscles softened against his palm. “No… I’d better not…”
I didn’t sound convincing even to myself, and he chuckled. “Why not?”
“Because…” I shook myself out of the seductive relaxation and sat up. “Because, assassins.”
“I don’t think so, darlin’.” His hand glided up my back. “If nothin’ happened last night, nothin’s gonna happen this mornin’. You’ll wanna be there a couple hours early to make sure everythin’s secure, but ya got time to relax a bit first.” His fingers twined into my hair, massaging my scalp and coaxing me down toward him. “Come on an’ relax with me a while.”
“Ohmigod, that feels so good…” I collapsed onto his chest, squeezing my eyes shut in sheer bliss. “Mmmm…” With a supreme effort of will, I tried again. “But… Are you sure? What if…”
The Spies That Bind Page 39