Double Ex: A Romantic Comedy about Lost Love & Lookalikes

by Lee Daniel Bullen

  ‘Hola baby!’ he slurred at one South American beauty trying order a mojito at the bar. She regarded him with disgust and he hung around longer than he should have, swaying on the spot and thinking of things to say; the girl shuffled closer to the bar to put more distance between her and the uncomfortable advances she knew were coming. He repeatedly blinked to himself, hiccupped and finally got the message; he staggered off and walked straight into what he recognised as a beautifully large pair of breasts. Again, he lingered longer than he should have.

  The small redhead pushed him back, ‘Be careful…’ she said stopping short as she recognised him, ‘Oh my god! You!’

  Nick had been replaying the events in the pub all day and it soon dawned on him that this was the girl with Josh, ‘You!’

  ‘I’ve spent half the day in A&E because of you!’ she said angrily. ‘You’re in quite some trouble!’

  ‘Police?’

  ‘They’re the last of your worries. The guy you put in hospital is not someone you should’ve messed with.’

  Nick’s shoulders dropped, ‘It’s not how it seems…’

  ‘It never is.’ Lucy said dully.

  ‘Look, that bloke started on me because he’s seeing my ex. I didn’t know though, he just blurted it out, laughing at me!’ Lucy looked him in the eye. ‘He knew stuff, started getting personal.’ Nick wiped his nose and wobbled on the spot.

  ‘Is that true?’

  ‘Yeh! Arrogant git!’ he spat, ‘It really wasn’t a good idea.’

  ‘Because you’re such a hard man?’

  ‘No, because I’m still crushed over it!’ he replied, emotion glazing his eyes.

  Lucy softened at his sincerity, ‘Yeh, well I know what that’s like…’ she said sympathising with the swaying figure in front of her; she wanted to dislike him but somehow emphasised completely.

  ‘I think she left me for that idiot! And you were all over him in the pub; did you even know he has a girlfriend?’

  Lucy blushed as she always did when ashamed, embarrassed or both, ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ he said pointedly, she didn’t respond. They both stared out to the dance floor looking at nothing in particular. ‘I like how your face goes red when you’re put on the spot!’ he said with a smirk; Lucy looked down. ‘Anyway, I’m really sorry you got involved.’ A tall brunette walked past and Nick’s gaze automatically followed her, ‘Erm, do you wanna drink?’ he asked Lucy distractedly.

  ‘No thank you, I’m meeting someone.’

  ‘Oh, okay. Maybe later…’ He was interrupted by a firm hand on his shoulder.

  ‘Where the hell have you been?’ Konrad said glaring at him.

  ‘Kon! What you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve been looking everywhere! Why aren’t you answering your phone?’

  ‘Long story.’

  ‘Of which the police have a starring role?’

  ‘They’ve been round?’

  Konrad nodded and saw the gash on his head, ‘What happened today?’

  ‘Drink!’ Nick suggested, ‘Let’s get a drink first.’

  Konrad looked at Lucy for an introduction he soon realised wasn’t coming, ‘Hello, I’m Konrad.’

  ‘Lucy.’

  Konrad leaned to Nick and whispered, ‘How drunk are you right now? You know she looks nothing like The Italian Witch, don’t you?’ The pair looked at Lucy, smiling uncomfortably.

  ‘I guess that’s my cue.’ she announced as they ogled her, ‘Have a peaceful evening, fellers.’ and she marched off.

  ‘Nicholas Green!’ Konrad barked, turning to his alarmed friend, ‘Resorting to violence? You’re worse than Adolf Hitler!’

  ‘Oh, stop with that! Get me a drink and I’ll tell you what happened.’

  ‘It’s not me you need to explain to, you’re in quite some bother.’

  ‘Drink!’ Nick demanded.

  ‘Alright! Go get that table, I’ll be back in a sec.’ Konrad disappeared to the bar as Nick barged past a couple making a bee-line for the recently vacated table and flopped into a chair to claim ownership. He rested his arm on the rail and looked down at the lower level, where a line of tables circled the heaving dance floor. Lucy was taking a seat and turned to watch the energetic dancers rhythmically shuffling across the floor. After a while he noticed her attention was on one person; a studious man wearing a suit and glasses, clearly no more than a couple of weeks into salsa lessons as he lumbered alongside the naturally shimmying dancers. Her gaze followed the man wherever he moved.

  ‘She must know him.’ he thought to himself, ‘He’s probably who she’s meeting.’ He continued to study the man, ‘Strange – he looks a lot like Josh…’

  A couple walked past Lucy’s table and the man broke off to say hello; he was also dark and bespectacled. As his girlfriend huffed impatiently nearby they exchanged pleasantries, with Lucy beaming like a lovelorn teenager throughout. She listened intently and went to part his hair, but he stiffened and left to join his partner; they walked off in argument and Lucy sat down to find the dancer. Nick could see her anxiously looking around, unable to locate him, then her shoulders relaxed as she spotted him with friends at the bar.

  ‘So, she doesn’t know him…’ he realised and made his way to the lower level as Konrad arrived at the empty table holding two beers.

  ‘Selfish sod!’ he said through gritted teeth, looking around for his wayward friend.

  ‘Hello again.’ Nick said brightly, jolting Lucy from her lust-filled daydream; she was far from pleased.

  ‘Enjoying your last few hours of freedom?’ she said coldly.

  Nick smirked and invited himself to sit down, ‘So what is it with you and dark, speccy nerds?’ he asked. Lucy panicked, suddenly feeling exposed; she considered her response but her mind was unable to find a starting point.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ she answered generically.

  He leaned in close and looked deep in her eyes, ‘I do what you do.’

  ‘And what might that be?’ she asked arrogantly, too headstrong to admit she could be read so easily.

  ‘I hunt women of a specific appearance.’

  ‘I’m not a lesbian, moron!’

  ‘Very funny, but you see that girl over there?’ Nick said gesturing to a pretty olive-skinned girl in her twenties, ‘In five minutes I’m going to talk to her because I want to sleep with her tonight.’

  Lucy leaned back in disgust, ‘Go away from me you cretin!’

  He wasn’t deterred; he knew he had her where he wanted, ‘I want her because she looks exactly like my ex.’ he said, sitting back to regard her reaction. She remained stone-faced as panic punched her insides; however, her radiant blushing only confirmed what Nick already deduced. ‘I’m going to go all out here, you ready?’ he asked politely knowing she was in his sights, ‘I’m guessing you had sex with the geek in the glasses who you just said hello to, who happens to look a lot like the guy over there you can’t take your eyes off, who also happens to look a lot like Josh – who I’m guessing you slept with last night.’ He checked her eyes for a response but she held firm, ‘Who I’m also guessing looks a lot like an ex-boyfriend you’re still very much hung up on.’

  Lucy closed her eyes wanting to cry; out of anger for having her darkest secret declared in the open and out of relief for the same reason, ‘How could you possibly get all that in five minutes?’ she asked defeatedly.

  ‘I told you. I do the same thing.’

  The club was half-empty and the dance floor near-deserted as Nick, Lucy and Konrad sat at a junked table arguing in raised voices.

  ‘No, No, I’m sorry but these notions of eternal love and perfect partners… you’re both delusional!’ Konrad said to the smug pair in front him. Nick and Lucy tapped their glasses, enjoying his arrogant posturing. ‘It’s like believing we live in a free democratic society when totalitarian oppression is there for all to see – if people ever choose to wake up from their telly-induced comas!’

 
Nick groaned as Lucy leaned forwards, ‘How would you know? You just haven’t found your true love yet.’ she said with a smile. ‘I was lucky. I met my soul-mate at university; we were both street performers here in Covent Garden. Wonderful times…’

  ‘Oh, please! Believing in a soul-mate is the triumph of hope over experience.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Have you ever had a relationship that hasn’t ended – and ended badly? Even with your sexy street performer?’

  ‘What a clichéd question, so sad!’ she replied.

  ‘Don’t insult your way out of it.’ he pressed.

  ‘No – but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop believing.’

  Nick jumped in, ‘Yeh, I’ve had many nights out that ended badly but I’m not going to stop drinking!’

  Konrad sighed, ‘You’re both idiots! Falling in love is like intentionally exposing yourself to malaria – you know it’s going to end badly and destroy your wellbeing but you still do it anyway!’

  Nick leaned across the table, ‘But Konrad, I’ve found it. Sofia is my other half and who I’m meant to be with. That’s forever, mate.’

  ‘Then why is she with someone else? Where’s Lucy’s street performing soul-mate now? Why are you both chasing lookalikes instead of living this idyllic existence with your destined half-oranges?’ Konrad dared them to reply with wide-eyes but Lucy slumped in her seat. Nick could feel her dejection and took her hand.

  ‘Because the love lives, even if our partners are going through a phase where they can’t see it.’ he said looking at Lucy, who smiled weakly.

  ‘So you’re both just treading water until your soul-mates come back to you?’

  Nick stopped to consider as Lucy snapped from her gloom, ‘Yes!’ she said firmly, ‘We are!’ and she gave Nick a supportive wink.

  He finished the last of his drink and placed a hand on Konrad’s shoulder, ‘Look, you don’t understand, mate. You haven’t dated anyone in years. Not since Penny Albright took off with her yoga instructor!’

  ‘Ouch!’ Lucy joked, ‘Another cliché!’

  ‘Not really.’ Nick said, ‘The instructor was a woman!’ and the pair gleefully erupted at Konrad’s expense.

  ‘That explains a lot!’ she said through tears, claiming some sort of victory from the exchange.

  ‘What does that explain? That people are confused and make it up as they go along? That we don’t follow some preordained path of destiny?’

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find the right person one day!’ she teased.

  And I suppose I’m living some sort of half-life until I do?’

  ‘Yes!’ Nick and Lucy said laughing and raised their glasses to overly-toast their agreement.

  ‘And what you’re doing – how you two are living – that’s healthy is it?’ Konrad served with venom. He leaned forwards to fully appreciate the verbal hand-grenade he tossed behind enemy lines; the ensuing silence meant his aim had been true.

  Lucy was relieved to spot someone walk past their table and conveniently changed the subject, ‘Look Nick, it’s that girl you said you were going to talk to. Let’s see you in action then!’ The pretty olive-skinned girl was leaving with a friend and Nick didn’t hesitate to jump from his chair and try for his only chance of a Sofia-fix that night. The girl, initially reluctant, soon warmed to his confident charm as her friend fidgeted nearby.

  ‘Hey, he’s not bad.’ Lucy said to Konrad, admiring his advances, ‘I’m impressed!’

  ‘What are you doing?’ he asked seriously, Lucy felt his sobering energy.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Encouraging him. What do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘I… er…’ she blubbered under the sudden change of tone.

  ‘I’ve been months trying to get him out of this sick ritual and last night I made real headway…’ Konrad’s mind flashed back to the titty-twist he’d administered at four in the morning, ‘Tweak and twist, learn from this!’ He ignored the ill-timed mental replay and powered on, ‘For the first time in weeks he actually listened to me and appeared remorseful.’

  ‘Remorseful?’ Lucy said surprised. Konrad leaned in.

  ‘He’s on the edge, Lucy. He’s about to lose everything and all he’s living for is pointless flings with girls who remind him of another time. He’s chasing memories. You are chasing memories!’ The words rang true as they echoed in Lucy’s mind; emotions came flooding to the surface but she fought them back. Konrad noticed and changed tact, ‘Juggling!’ he said with a cheery tone. ‘You said you were a street performer. Let’s see you juggle!’

  ‘I didn’t say I could juggle.’

  ‘Can you?’

  ‘Yeh.’

  ‘So come on then!’

  ‘Oh, I dunno.’ she said tiredly.

  ‘Here, pack of cigs…’ Konrad said passing her his cigarettes, ‘This saucer…’ and he slid the small dish towards her, ‘And this glass.’ he added, draining the last of what was inside, ‘Anything else?’

  ‘No, no. Three’s enough the state I’m in!’ she said laughing and carefully got to her feet. She composed herself and gathered the items, smiling proudly as she found good early rhythm and elegantly circled the objects through the air – then she noticed the dancer leaving with his friends and lost concentration; the plate slipped out of her hand, ‘Oops!’ she shrieked, spinning to see its escape from the cyclic union. Nick was too engrossed reciting a saucy D. H. Lawrence poem to the girl – nicely layered with erotic imagery, something he’d learned just for the practise of pulling – to notice the second ceramic missile of the day hurtling towards his head with deadly precision. Like a fateful smart bomb it found its spot, just where the previous one had; Donk! As the saucer shattered on the floor so did Nick’s consciousness and chances with the girl anxiously looking around to see where the object had come from. Konrad and Lucy rushed over as the girl side-stepped to her friend and coolly crept away.

  ‘Nick, Nick. You okay?’

  He groaned and looked up at his friend, ‘Konraaad! My lovely mate, Konrad… don’t leave me, Kon… I, er… apartment…’ he babbled as his eyes rolled in his head.

  Konrad smiled, ‘I never planned to move out, Nick. Don’t worry.’

  ‘Gimme hug!’ he slurred as he tried to get to his feet.

  ‘Don’t move, stay where you are.’ Lucy offered sympathetically.

  ‘I’ll get him home.’ Konrad said.

  ‘No, he needs to go to hospital. This is the second time he’s been concussed today.’

  ‘But I’ve got to be up early for a demonstration.’ he moaned; Lucy glared at him. ‘Alright.’ he conceded, ‘Suppose I should come too…’

  ‘No, don’t worry. No point us both going.’

  ‘Don’t be silly…’ he protested weakly.

  ‘Konrad, this was my fault; and besides I’m getting quite used to this today.’

  ‘If you’re sure then?’ and he promptly stood up and strode towards the exit.

  ‘Oi!’ she shouted after him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Help me get him in a taxi?’

  ‘Oh, yeh…’

  Chapter 3

  Pray & Prey

  Lucy sported a broad smile as she stirred to the morning sunshine streaming through her bedroom window; she rolled on her side and opened her eyes, finding a strange man with gauze dressing fast asleep in her bed. She gasped and sat up clutching her knees, slowly recalling the events from hours before. As she came to terms with Nick lying beside her, oblivious to the panic attack he’d inadvertently caused, she regarded him with curiosity. Wearing a naughty grin she meticulously parted his hair and sat back to inspect the results; it needed something else. She reached for her reading glasses and carefully placed them on his head, glancing at the framed photo of her ex by the bed for comparison. She narrowed her eyes and concentrated hard but soon gave up and jumped out of bed to put her dressing gown on.

  Amanda was making tea when Lucy entered the kitchen; she slid across
a plate of toast covered in brown sauce.

  ‘So is the same man as last night?’ she asked with a prickly tone.

  ‘No. Josh is in hospital, remember?’

  ‘Ah yes, the midday pub fight. How could I forget?’ Amanda said sarcastically, ‘So who’s this one?’

  ‘Erm. He’s the one who put Josh in hospital.’

  Amanda remained expressionless then turned to make more toast, ‘Well of course, that’s perfectly normal.’ she said dryly, ‘The alpha male got to claim his prize.’

  ‘It’s not like that!’

  ‘It never is!’

  ‘I bumped into him in a club…’

  ‘Morning.’ Nick said appearing at the doorway in his underwear and still wearing Lucy’s spectacles.

  Amanda looked at Lucy confused, ‘He’s blonde!’ she said in a high pitched tone.

  ‘Not now.’ she whispered, smiling politely at Nick; she whipped the glasses off his head as quick as she could but Amanda noticed.

  ‘He doesn’t wear glasses!’ she gasped.

  ‘Thank god for that, I thought my eyesight was buggered after you knocked me out!’ he said, enjoying the miraculous return of vision.

  Amanda closed her eyes in despair, ‘You knocked him out?’

  ‘Yeh…’

  ‘Your life’s worse than a soap opera! How did you do that?’

  ‘She glassed me with a plate.’ Nick said stealing a slice of Lucy’s toast; he choked on his first nibble, ‘What the hell’s on this?’ Amanda’s raised eye brows demanded a rapid and satisfactory explanation.

  ‘It was an accident!’ Lucy protested. ‘I was juggling with some things from the table and a saucer slipped out my hand.’

  ‘Caught me sweet on my wound.’ Nick added, scanning the kitchen for more food.

  ‘The one from earlier in the day.’ Lucy chipped-in.

  ‘Yes, I heard about that. So you could say you got what you deserved then?’

  ‘Erm…’ he replied.

  Amanda turned to Lucy, ‘And out of sympathy you thought you’d part his hair, slap glasses on his head and have sex with him?’