Double Ex: A Romantic Comedy about Lost Love & Lookalikes

by Lee Daniel Bullen

  ‘…so now I’ve lost an exhibition I’ve ploughed a fortune into and there’s a massive dispute over these six bloody paintings.’

  ‘Uh huh.’ she replied, impressed by the finish she gave her right index finger.

  ‘He’s the biggest artist I’ve ever attracted – with enough influence to destroy me and my gallery if he wanted – and all because of Nick bloody Green!’ he slurred, sinking the remainder of his single-malt whiskey.

  ‘I thought you smashed up the swan pictures?’ she said grooming the next nail.

  ‘Oh, shut up! Whose side you on anyway?’

  ‘No one’s!’

  ‘Yeh? I don’t see Nick Green giving you any money.’ he spat, taking cash from his pocket and throwing it at the startled stripper; she was shaken but elated with the windfall flung at her and cradled Josh’s head as it flopped into her lap and began to sob.

  Lucy awoke to the sound of stones hitting her bedroom window. While sleepily pulling on her gown and replacing dreamy visions with the unpleasant reality waiting on the pavement below her mind sparked when she saw who it was. Expecting the late-night visitor to be Nick, following up his incessant messages of regret with a public proclamation of love, she was stunned to see Josh stood below and opened her window.

  ‘Your phone’s off.’ he shouted, swaying on the spot and tucking in his dishevelled shirt.

  ‘Because it’s four in the morning!’

  ‘Can I come up?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Go on… we had a great night that time!’

  ‘Is this a booty call? Is that what this is?’ she said, irritation turning to anger.

  ‘No.’ he whined unconvincingly, ‘I just wanted to see you.’

  ‘Well I’m sleeping so it’s not a good…’

  ‘I’ve lost everything, Lucy!’ he said emotionally, ‘I lost the case, I lost face, I lost Sofia… and now I’m losing the gallery.’

  ‘Shut up!’ cried a disturbed neighbour after erratically pulling up her window and slamming it shut with equal temper. Lucy offered an apologetic wave and looked down at her drunken guest; she knew she had no option but to let him in before the police were called.

  ‘You better come up.’ she said and buzzed him in.

  Across Camden her broken-hearted ex slept off the late-night effects of a table full of intoxicating wares, flat out and drooling on the sofa with his restless friend, Konrad; squashed at one end watching online Corsica Coleman videos on his laptop. The glow of her from his screen illuminated his captivated gawp, and when one clip finished he always checked Nick was asleep before starting a new one.

  Unlike her insomniac colleagues, Corsica was completing the night’s last hours 30 miles away in Bray Village with a consistently restful sleep pattern, reliving her balmy wilderness scene, huddled on the ground under a starry sky, only this time her companion was Konrad and not her ex, Jo-E Williams. Between this point and the moment she awoke the bizarrely-real dream would progress in an unexpectedly steamy direction and Corsica’s fondness for Konrad would significantly heighten as a result.

  At her apartment across town, Sofia also experienced a topsy-turvy night; staring out of her window at the sleeping blue world outside wearing a lace nightie, hypnotised by incandescent street lighting and the occasional glow of passing headlights. She regarded the empty parking space which Josh’s Mercedes used to occupy, and Nick’s battered Fiat previously. She felt more sentimental about those old days than her recent time with Josh, whose deceit had left her lost and resentful.

  Following the group’s unusual night of nocturnal activity the sun rose to welcome a new day with glorious summer warmness and gently rocked Lucy from her sleep, bringing a smile to her face as she rubbed her eyes and stirred to the bright cyan sky. She remembered the drama with Josh during the night and jumped to her feet to check on him; she found the sofa slept-in but missing the sleeper. Amanda entered the living room in her silk pyjamas and noticed the crumpled bed sheets.

  ‘I take it we had a late-night visitor.’ she said angrily as she passed to the kitchen.

  ‘Er, yeh…’ Lucy said looking around the apartment for him.

  ‘I think I heard someone leave about half hour ago.’ she said from the kitchen, running water into the kettle.

  Lucy noticed a small note on the carpet and picked it up; it simply read ‘Sofia’ in black biro but was tenderly drawn and resembled a poster title for an artsy foreign film, complete with tall lettering and a red heart dotting the ‘i’. Lucy rather liked it, it obviously wasn’t left for her to find, just something Josh had done in his blitzed state to relax his mind. She studied its simple honesty, considering the need to put his strongest desire on paper, exactly as Nick had done many times. Like an enthusiast able to identify with an artist’s feelings and inspiration, Lucy related to their compulsion to express what their hearts wanted most, and through that connection an idea formed. It wasn’t a flimsy idea that upon reflection dissolved into ambivalence, this was one of Lucy’s finest and had more positive outcomes than first envisaged. The longer she mulled the more she saw optimistic offshoots, like a single domino sparking a chain-reaction.

  ‘What are you looking so dippy about?’ her sister said entering the living room and finding Lucy gaping at the discarded note.

  ‘I have an idea that will solve everyone’s problems – and I only have today to do it!’

  ‘Ooh, sounds exciting!’ Amanda said sarcastically.

  ‘Unfortunately it does aid several people who I despise right now.’ she said having second thoughts, ‘But I’ve been shown the high road so I guess I should take it.’

  ‘Good for you!’

  ‘And I’m gonna need your help.’

  ‘Oh no, please – leave me out of this!’

  ‘Come on, it’s only a bit of driving about and moral support. I have to track down everyone I know and ask them to help someone they hate!’ she said unappealingly, ‘That’s all!’

  Amanda sighed, ‘Alright, I’ll reshuffle my Sunday of cleaning and unchallenging television to help you start a war. What do you need?’

  ‘Right!’ she said, rubbing her hands together, ‘First I need to call Corsica, then see Konrad, next visit Sofia, after talk to Josh, then, last of all, visit Nick…’

  ‘How on earth can you help all of them at the same time?’

  ‘Because I have a celebrity, a gallery and a bloody great plan – are you up for it?’

  ‘If you’re sure you know what you’re doing?’

  ‘I’m sure!’ she replied taking out her phone and dialling a number, ‘Corsica! Hi, it’s Lucy. Listen I have great idea for your comeback – interested in hearing it?’

  Konrad was surprised to see Lucy and Amanda stood outside his front door wearing mischievous grins.

  ‘Nick’s not here.’ he said dully, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

  ‘I know. I waited till he left!’ Lucy chirped, proving too colourful for Konrad at this hour of the morning.

  ‘I thought you said you were never stepping foot in this apartment again?’

  ‘I’m not!’ she replied and reached round the door and snatched the storeroom key from the rack, giving Konrad a sloppy kiss on his cheek. ‘I need this for an hour, I’ll drop it through your letterbox when I’m done.’ and she closed the door and skipped down the staircase, Amanda following behind.

  ‘So why do we need my car for this?’ she called down to her energised sister.

  ‘You’ll see!’ she dismissed with a wave, ‘We’re going to need three or four trips I reckon…’ and she danced past the entrance and headed to garage level.

  ‘This visit I’d like to do alone.’ Lucy said to her sister from the parking space below Sofia’s apartment, building the courage to venture across and introduce herself to the most intimidating person she could imagine. ‘Wait here for me.’ and she opened the car door and walked nimbly to the entrance.

  ‘Hello?’ Sofia answered through the intercom.

 
; ‘Sofia?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Hello…’ she paused, ‘I’m…’

  ‘Lucy?’ Sofia guessed.

  ‘Yes.’

  There was a long wait, ‘Interesting!’ she said and buzzed her in.

  As Sofia opened her door and stood face to face with Lucy for the first time they silently measured each other, ‘It’s very daunting to meet you.’ Lucy said, ‘I’ve seen and heard so much through other people.’

  ‘All I know of you is that you slept with my boyfriend.’ Sofia said coldly.

  ‘Actually I found out the other night that you just did the same with mine.’

  ‘Nick?’ Sofia answered surprised, ‘He told me you were friends. He’s your boyfriend?’

  ‘Was! It’s therefore ironic, seeing as we’re talking about mutual lovers, that I come asking for your assistance in helping them.’ Sofia looked confused but Lucy saw curious interest in her eyes and continued, ‘Particularly help their careers, while potentially opening a new glamorous one for yourself!’

  Sofia softened and stepped closer, ‘A new career? That’s glamorous? Because I really hate my job…’

  ‘It’s good you do, it should make this easier than I thought…’ and she let herself into Sofia’s home, taking a seat on her sofa.

  Josh was wearing the effects of a stormy hangover in every crease on his face, his hair and bedclothes equally chaotic, as he grumbled at Lucy and Amanda on his doorstep, both wearing irritatingly cheery smiles. He walked into the house leaving the door open for them and proceeded to the kitchen where he started the coffee machine and gulped down a couple of painkillers.

  ‘Thank you for last night.’ he croaked like a manically-depressed frog, ‘I’m very sorry for the intrusion.’

  ‘Don’t worry.’ Lucy replied.

  He scratched his head and sat awkwardly on a barstool, ‘I should have left a note or something; I woke up feeling rather embarrassed and decided it was best to leave.’

  ‘But you did leave a note.’ she answered showing him his Sofia illustration.

  ‘Ah.’ he cringed, the lines on his face creasing further, ‘Hardly a respectful thank you, but I can explain…’

  ‘I’m not here about last night.’ she said, ‘I’m here about this note.’

  Amanda’s SUV parked outside the cemetery entrance and Lucy got out and peered through the window at her adrenalized sister – physically buzzing from the day’s unusual task-list.

  ‘Before we visit Nick I just need to do this.’ she said holding fresh flowers.

  ‘I understand, babe.’ Amanda said with admiration, ‘Give Christopher my love.’ and Lucy breathed in something reassuring from the surrounding ether to help her on her way.

  It was Amanda’s parked car that Nick first noticed as he crossed a busy road on his way to visit his mum; he snapped from his daydream and scoured the scene in case Lucy was nearby – then he saw her, at least he thought he did; a glimpse of someone familiar powering along the path before being obscured by a large tree and disappearing from view. However, he felt sure it was her and decided to follow.

  As he quickstepped past rows of headstones, including his mother’s, he closed in on Lucy; watching her from a distance leave the path and walk down a row of plots. He slowed his pace and pondered what to do; she disappeared down an incline and he dawdled to where she turned off, hanging around in case she returned. It was no more than four or five minutes, just when Nick considered turning back, when Lucy reappeared over the hill looking weary. She noticed him ahead and paused, her mind shutting down as panic took over, but after a day of confronting challenges she wasn’t going to let this twist derail her; she had to see him today anyway so it might as well be now. She dug deep and although the short walk seemed an eternity, her mind racing with every advancing step, she arrived in front of Nick with firm nerve and looked him deep in his eyes.

  ‘Lucy! Hi! I, er…’ he greeted excitedly, ‘I… I tried…’ he gave up altogether, deciding it better to gawk like a content chimp.

  ‘I know, I’ve read them all.’ she said sharply, ‘But as I stated in my one reply, I no longer trust you. Once trust is gone the foundations of love disappear and I won’t live with that.’

  ‘Yeh, I hear you…’ he began, mounting a deflective defence.

  ‘Nick, it’s over.’ she said with a resolution that chilled him to the bone. ‘Although.’ she sighed, ‘Strangely enough I did need to see you today.’

  ‘Yeh?’

  She prepared herself for her pitch, ‘Do you know what I felt when I unveiled all those paintings of Sofia the other day?’ Nick’s face screwed, expecting a barrage of scorn, ‘I thought how bloody amazing each one was – every picture personal and standalone but all with the same theme. The care and dedication was deeply moving.’

  ‘Erm, thank you…’ he said taken aback.

  ‘Then after, of course, I felt betrayed and totally deceived.’ she couldn’t resist saying, ‘But I defer… Nick, how would you like to exhibit that work in the Joshua Arnaud Art Gallery this Saturday?’

  Chapter 19

  Dreams & Reality

  Nick was stunned, completely at odds for something cohesive to say, ‘Exhibition? Joshua Arnaud? Lucy, what are you on about? That guy would never…’

  ‘He’s already agreed.’ she interrupted.

  ‘Agreed? How on earth…’

  ‘He’s seen your work.’

  Nick began to grow anxious, deluded with questions, and restlessly paced in front of Lucy, ‘Again, how? I mean, why? He’s seen my what?’

  She grabbed his forearms, ‘Nick, you’re babbling. I need you to relax a moment and listen to me; everything will be explained.’ He relaxed and quietened the dialogue dominating his mind. ‘Again, I must ask you; do you want to be the featured artist at a major exhibition this weekend?’

  Nick breathed deep and considered the little information he had, ‘I don’t know; it’s very personal stuff… I never did it for this…’

  ‘I need you to be sure.’

  ‘Who’d be interested anyway?’ he said dismissively.

  ‘Actually, a lot of people; there’s a lot more to this.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Nick, trust me. It will be a major success and the event and your status will be publicised nationwide and probably beyond.’ she said, passionately grabbing the front of his T-shirt, ‘But I need to know, are you sure you want it?’

  He gazed with wonder into her eyes and all instinctual vibrations told him yes, although that could have been his yearning for Lucy coming to the forefront. ‘Yes.’ he replied.

  ‘Good.’ she said taking a step back, ‘The exhibition will simply be titled Sofia and along with the chosen artwork from your well-chronicled collection she will also feature as a live central exhibit.’

  ‘Who will?’

  ‘Sofia will.’

  ‘Sofia will what?’

  ‘Sofia will feature as a live central exhibit.’

  ‘Sofia’s agreed to this?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Okay, go on.’

  ‘The gallery will also play venue to…’

  ‘I’m sorry, but Josh’s gallery… how on earth did you get him to do this?’

  ‘Actually, very easily.’ she replied, ‘Right now he needs you more than you need him.’

  ‘Explain.’

  ‘Okay! This is a particularly pleasing story.’ and she proceeded to tell him of when Josh first saw the paintings:

  ‘Hurry up.’ Lucy called across the street from Amanda’s car.

  ‘This better be good.’ Josh groaned, fastening the belt of his worn dressing gown and hobbling across to Lucy and her sister in tired old slippers.

  ‘Don’t worry, no neighbours are watching.’ Amanda said sarcastically, noticing several curtains twitching around his well-to-do street.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of a suit!’ Lucy joked, pointing at his faded sleeping attire; Josh uneasily scratched h
is straggling stubble – home to an impressive array of insects and food debris – and peered around the neighbouring houses.

  ‘Let’s make this quick shall we?’ he said pointedly. Lucy casually flipped open the back of the SUV, stacked with piles of Nick’s paintings. ‘What’s this?’ he said with a nonchalant shrug.

  ‘Take a look.’ and she whipped off the sheet and invited him to peruse the paintings. He stepped forwards and regarded the first canvas; he was instantly absorbed, flicking to the next and the next, passing each one with increasing captivation and curiosity.

  ‘Who did these?’ he said casting a cheerful look back from his eager browsing, and then he stopped, ‘Wait a minute…’

  ‘Josh, I know what you’re going to…’

  ‘You have no idea what I’m going to say!’ he seethed, ‘Because I’m not going to say anything!’ and he turned to storm off, trapping a slipper under the car wheel and nearly tripping.

  ‘Stop your tantrum now!’ she said with a fierce tone, ‘If you listen to me for one minute I can guarantee you a bigger exhibition than the one you just lost and get you global coverage. Your reputation will rocket, the gallery will be famous, plus Sofia’s a big part of all this.

  ‘Sofia?’

  ‘Yes.’ she said, moving closer, ‘She has agreed to be the central figure in the exhibition.’

  Josh studied Lucy curiously and spoke softly, ‘As beautiful as she is as a subject of art – as deserving her beauty is of an entire exhibition dedicated solely to it – I couldn’t possibly showcase an unknown scumbag like Nick Green nor would there be anyone interested.’ he said, rounding on her, ‘And how dare you come here with the audacity…’