Double Ex: A Romantic Comedy about Lost Love & Lookalikes

by Lee Daniel Bullen

  ‘You got TV coverage?’

  ‘TV, radio, internet… what do you think we’ve been doing all this time?’

  Nick jumped from his seat, feeling it was time to return the hug and caught Konrad off-guard during his flurry of air-punches, ‘Really proud of yer, man.’

  ‘Thanks Nick.’

  ‘And talking of turning things around – you could never have done this without Lucy or Corsica either!’

  ‘I appreciate that, and that’s why I’d never be stupid enough to push either of them away.’

  Nick felt the comment penetrate like jagged ice, ‘That, my closest friend and utter git, was worse than Vlad the Impaler!’

  ‘Nice one!’ Konrad said, nodding his head in appreciation. ‘So you ready to face the enemy?’

  ‘And listen to this din you pretentiously call world music up close?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘And Lucy’s there?’

  ‘Pulling every string!’

  ‘Okay.’ he agreed reluctantly, ‘Let’s go.’

  Above the frantic rhythms of a Brazilian sambass act Corsica was giving an impassioned backstage interview to a camera crew when Konrad dragged Nick into the exclusive area. He checked for Lucy, relaxing when he saw she wasn’t there, and sank into a settee; Corsica saw Konrad aggressively motivating his shamefaced pal from the corner of her eye and smiled to herself.

  ‘And that is why we’re demonstrating the plans through this festival.’ she said commandingly, ‘We want to send a clear message that our heaths, parks and natural spaces do not have a price-tag on them and are not open to artistically in keeping corporate development.’

  ‘What about the jobs and tourism it will bring to the area?’ asked the reporter.

  ‘Oh, please.’ she dismissed, ‘I think the loss of half-dozen baristas is hardly a dagger in the heart of employment, and as for visitors, well they can continue to freely enjoy picnics in nature without being forced to pay for overpriced refreshments!’ she said with relish, ‘Now if you excuse me I really need to get things ready for the final act.’

  ‘Corsica Coleman, thank you.’ the reporter said admirably, ‘It’s been an unexpected interview.’ She winked and went to her friends.

  ‘So he made it!’ Corsica said greeting Nick, ‘I thought the famous artist was too important to attend our little floorshow but it appears not!’

  Nick sat glumly looking at the pair, ‘You’ve been hanging out with him too long!’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘I know!’ she replied excitedly, ‘I love how rude I am now!’

  Konrad smiled proudly, ‘I always wanted to corrupt a celebrity – my work is now complete!’

  Lucy, officiating backstage wearing a headset and don’t-screw-with-me manner, lined-up members of Basil Brown’s Booty Town in preparation for their festival-closing performance. As a shabby Scandinavian musician holding a scratched violin glided past she lost focus and followed him as he entered a small lounge and slumped his long frame into a sofa. He brushed the strands of his unkempt fair hair and for split-second she thought he was Nick.

  ‘So what do we do now?’ Basil Brown asked impatiently.

  Lucy snapped back, ‘Right!’ she said with false confidence, ‘In a few moments Corsica will make a short address then announce you. We close at 11pm with a fireworks finale.’ and she immediately returned to the blonde musician. He wasn’t Nick of course, and she felt ridiculous for thinking it was and that he’d left the art world already and became a folk violinist.

  ‘Cool!’ Basil said through a gap-toothed grin, disturbing her sunken disappointment, ‘You had time to consider the other thing?’

  Lucy turned back, ‘I’ll let you know later.’ She noticed Corsica on the other side of a black curtain talking to two men; one was Konrad but she could only see the back of the other’s head. It didn’t matter though, she knew who it was, no mirage this time. Nerves filled her gut; this was going to be harder than expected.

  ‘Amanda!’ she called to her tipsy sister, sat on a large sofa sandwiched between two Swedish bandmates of the Nick lookalike, fawning over them as if she was a lifelong fan.

  ‘What?’ she answered angrily, getting to her feet and unknowingly tipping champagne from her glass onto the leg of the slightly-intimidated guitarist. He smiled without complaint as Amanda slid her fingers down his face and rubbed the other’s thigh, ‘Back soon boys.’ she threatened with a slur and tottered off to join her sister.

  ‘Sorry to break up your little party.’ Lucy said derisively, ‘I need you with me.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘This!’ and she grabbed her hand and went to join the trio in the next room.

  ‘Lucy!’ Corsica said cheerily as she approached, more as a nudge for Nick than genuine elation to see the person she’d spent every moment with over the past month. He turned, nearly whip-lashing his neck, and instantly fell spellbound.

  ‘Lucy!’ he confirmed.

  She gave a noncommittal smile and placed a hand on Corsica’s shoulder, ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘This is the band’s last song; they’ll come offstage in a minute. Nearly time to say a few words.’

  Corsica grinned and took Konrad’s hand, ‘You’re coming with me.’ she said and the pair went to stand by the curtain.

  ‘How you been?’ Nick asked.

  ‘I’m great!’ Amanda announced and somehow tripped on the spot. Lucy groaned and helped her sister onto a seat.

  ‘I’m good.’ she replied turning to Nick. ‘Many congratulations on the show, I hear things have been going well?’

  ‘Work-wise, yeh.’ he said glumly. Lucy ignored the obvious cry for help.

  ‘Look, it’s the final act. There’s a lot to…’

  ‘When can I see you?’ he pleaded.

  ‘You can’t.’

  ‘Lucy, for goodness sake…’

  ‘I mean, it’s just not possible. I travel with Basil Brown on a European tour tomorrow – he hired me as their manager.’

  Nick’s body froze, ‘What?’

  ‘Since we booked them to headline they’ve been getting loads of interest. He says I’ve done more for them these past weeks than he did on his own in years, they want to keep me on.’

  ‘When do you think you’ll be back?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ she replied gravely, ‘They’re not based here so if things go well I may not…’ Not even the crowd’s applause for the exiting Latin band could shatter the stony silence that fell between Nick and Lucy. Eventually the piercing discomfort grew too much, ‘I don’t think there’s anything more to say, Nick. I really have to go; good luck with everything.’ and she walked away bursting the only dream he had left. He sat absorbed in his regrets when the sound of a violent hiccup and sickening gurgle broke his self-pity.

  ‘Urgh, gross.’ said the culprit, ‘Bitta throw-up in my mouth.’

  Nick turned to see Amanda sliding off her seat and looking particularly peaky, ‘I forgot you were there! You alright?’ She wasn’t and he quickly recognised the fact, helping her to lie down. ‘I’m just going to get a bucket or something. I’ll be right back.’ he reassured, leaving to look for a suitable vomit-vessel.

  Chapter 22

  Whole & Holes

  As Corsica took to stage the near 10,000 crowd erupted and her presence rose like a rainbow over their electrifying appreciation.

  ‘Thank you, thank you!’ she said absorbing the energy. ‘No to ripping out the Heart of the Heath!’ she yelled into her microphone, citing the boarding around the grounds; the crowd’s thunderous roar echoed all the way to the City of London. ‘No to the assumed sale of anything belonging to the Earth!’ she said with a spark in her eye, ‘No more!’ and she stood back and looked into as many faces as she could. Breathing heavily, her heart racing, she glanced to the side at Lucy and Konrad, ‘I have so many people to thank! All the fabulous bands that have participated over this wonderful weekend!’ The crowd cheered. ‘The
Gods for making the weather so glorious for us!’ A screech of feedback from the microphone soared around the arena and dissipated with the crowd’s laughter; Corsica continued with a swagger, rather pleased by the rock & roll edge to her address, ‘And a big thank you to some special friends who helped make this happen. First, Nicholas Green, the amazing artist who designed all the artwork for the festival and campaign against development in the heath.’

  Nick would have acknowledged the credit but was too busy holding Amanda’s hair back as she retched into a wine cooler, ‘Let it all out, girl!’ he encouraged, ‘Let it all out.’

  ‘Also enormous love and thanks to Lucy Caulston, who really has been the driving force behind the whole thing.’ she continued, clapping her friend who beamed proudly; the audience followed the sincere sentiments and gave her a warm welcome. ‘And last but not least, big thanks to my dear friend, Konrad, who supported and…’ Corsica paused, looking down at the floor and slackening her hold on the microphone; seriousness overcame her and she looked to the crowd with misty eyes. She slowly raised the mic and spoke in a soft unrehearsed voice from deep within, ‘You know, I probably seem different to many of you.’ she said, pacing as she talked; Konrad and Lucy looked on confused with where the adlib was going, ‘I know I seem different to me!’ she joked and the crowd laughed unsurely, also sensing a break from her celebrity character, ‘And the reason is simple: love!’ 10,000 people covering the beautifully-landscaped gardens of Kenwood Estate listened intently with bemused faces. ‘I’ve never told anyone this but the reason I missed my performance at the Tenerife festival was because I was trapped in a lift! I know it sounds strange…’ she said with a chuckle, more for herself than comic effect, ‘…but enclosed with me in that fateful box was someone who would turn my entire life around. Someone who’d forever change the way I think and look at things.’ she peered cautiously out of the corner of her eye at Konrad, ‘And the biggest reason I’m here now – the reason you’re all here – and the reason why we’re going to defeat money-making plans to dig up our heath!’ she said emotionally. Finally on her wavelength, the crowd vocalised their support. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to stage the most important man I’ve ever met!’ Konrad stiffened like a statue, suddenly aware this was for his benefit and he’d now have to step onstage and into a very public unknown. Lucy stared at him in disbelief, also somehow expecting his name to be introduced – and during the passing of a few grains of sand through the hourglass of time everything suspended in an engulfing reality.

  ‘Konrad…’ Lucy whispered amid the chaotic energy encircling the gardens, ‘…I think she’s about to call…’

  ‘Konrad Gruber!’ Corsica shouted into her mic, her voice reverberating around the grounds. The trees and imposing Kenwood House cast long-shadows among the throngs looking towards the stage with disappointed expressions.

  ‘Who?’ mumbled around the crowd as spectators quizzed nearby loved-ones, hoping for the announcement of a more high-profile suitor.

  ‘Konrad, come out here.’ Corsica said as he anxiously searched for an escape route. Lucy gave him a hearty push and he stumbled out in front of a silent crowd. He froze like a woodland creature caught in the headlights and Corsica sensed help was needed; she dropped her mic and ran across to him, throwing her arms round his rigid frame. Despite being over-conscious of the countless onlookers, Konrad melted in her embrace. ‘There’s something you’ve avoided doing.’ she breathed in his ear and kissed him like he didn’t have a say in the matter. Every person present fell silent.

  If first impressions are anything to go by, ‘nondescript’ was the general view of Konrad as the audience observed the unusual union unfolding before them. Many men thought, ‘ugly sod, must be loaded.’ while some women sighed, ‘sweet man, must be very loving.’ but overall most were considerably underwhelmed by his presence as a leading man. The romantic gesture, however, was intensely moving and within moments even the cynics had dropped previous prejudices and all hearts were warmed by the spontaneous coming together. ‘Ahhh…’ quickly became the general consensus. Lucy looked on from the sidelines with tears flooding.

  ‘I hope this isn’t just a publicity stunt!’ Konrad joked as they ended their first kiss to an enormous reception from thousands of people.

  ‘Why? We need as much as we can get!’

  ‘Do you think we’ll make front page?’ he said calmly, gesturing to the scores of cameras flashing around the front rows as they held each other out of range of the dropped microphone.

  ‘Possibly.’ she replied transfixed in his eyes.

  ‘What do you think the headlines will read?’

  ‘Oh, I imagine something grand like, Corsica and Konrad: A Love Story. What about you?’

  ‘I think Beauty and the Beast: A True Story is far more likely!’

  Corsica didn’t laugh, she looked at him with a lustful fire, ‘We’ve kissed in public, is there somewhere we can go in private?’

  ‘I know a nearby nook.’

  ‘A nook?’ she said impressed, ‘Then let’s finish up and find this nook!’ and she reluctantly released herself from his hold and walked to the microphone. The crowd’s cheers reached climax as she picked it up and turned to them, smiling as she tried to quieten their overspilling-spirits. When the noise fell to near silence she screamed as loudly as possible, sending the energy-levels back through the roof, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the closing act of the festival! Basil Brown’s Booty Town!’ and she ran offstage as band members appeared, grabbing Konrad’s hand and pulling him away to find the quiet cranny.

  ‘Thank you Nick.’ Amanda grumbled, sprawled on the floor beside a gruesome ice bucket.

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Looking after me.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, it was nothing…’

  ‘Oh!’ Konrad and Corsica stuttered breathlessly as they found the naughty nook occupied.

  ‘Everything okay?’ Corsica asked, noticing Amanda’s tender state.

  ‘Yeh, everything’s fine.’ Nick said as the pair looked at the sickening wine cooler and felt their frisky fires extinguish.

  ‘Do you know any other quiet corners?’ Corsica whispered to Konrad.

  ‘No, but anywhere without this smell would be better!’ he replied, taking her hand and turning to leave.

  ‘Did what I think happen really just happen?’ Nick called to them; their childlike faces were all the answer he needed as he watched them skip to privacy, ‘Really happy for you both!’

  ‘You’re not a bad bloke.’ Amanda croaked, moving sticky strands of hair from her face.

  ‘Oh. Thanks.’

  ‘Just a bit messed up!’

  ‘Not anymore.’ he said, listening to the reggae rhythms boom around their enclosed space and imagining Lucy taking notes from the sidelines, ‘Clarity came the day she organised the exhibition, and it’s been torturing me ever since.’

  ‘Yes, I imagine it has. She even surprised me.’ Amanda replied, feeling well enough to sit up and rest a kindly hand on his shoulder. Nick felt her approval for the first time, which considering the heartache he’d caused her sister felt like a tremendous honour.

  ‘Actually…’ he started hesitantly, conscious that their fledgling closeness may not be ready for favours, ‘…there may be something you can do for me.’

  Amanda went paler, ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing much. I just want you to give something to Lucy before she leaves tomorrow.’

  ‘What?’ she said suspiciously.

  ‘Just a present, but I don’t have it with me so I’ll have to give it to you in the morning.’

  ‘Fine!’ she said, rubbing her throbbing forehead, ‘But only if you sod off and get me some coffee!’

  ‘Fine!’ and he stood to leave. When he opened the door he looked down and saw a small group congregated below the steps, ‘Dad!’ he said shocked to see Ilove and Astrid standing next to Mrs. Caulston, ‘Daphne!’

  ‘Ooh, I love it wh
en you call me that!’ she gushed.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Nick asked, stepping down to greet them.

  ‘Konrad and Lucy invited us over.’ Ilove said.

  ‘You’ve been here all weekend?’

  ‘Yeh! Enjoying this excellent festie, man! Where the hell you been?’ he said prodding his son’s chest, ‘Staying away to mope at home Konrad tells me.’

  ‘I was sorry to hear about you and Lucy.’ Daphne said, stepping close to Nick, ‘And if you ever need anything – anything at all – you just come see me.’

  ‘Yep, you were a bloody idiot there!’ Ilove stated brashly, ‘You lost a girl who moved mountains for you…’

  ‘Okay!’ Nick interrupted, ‘I presume you’re waiting here for something other than telling me off?’

  ‘Lucy said this is where we wait to go backstage.’ Astral said thrusting a pass in Nick’s face. The door suddenly opened and Amanda stood swaying at the entrance, holding the ice bucket at arm’s length with her head turned from the smell. Without looking she flung the sloppy contents to the grass below, too faint to notice her mother standing in the way. Foul goo slopped down Daphne’s front as the other three leaped to a safe distance.

  ‘AMANDA!’ she screamed, thoroughly ashamed of her eldest daughter; she marched up the steps and pushed her inside the cabin where the subsequent dressing down could be heard above the amplified din of Basil Brown.

  ‘Think I better nip off and get her some coffee.’ Nick said, excusing himself from the scene.

  ‘I’m gonna miss you babe!’ Amanda said as she pulled to a stop at Gatwick Airport’s drop off point. Lucy leaned in and gave her a huge hug, nearly knocking-off Amanda’s sunglasses – a simple remedy for her hangover sensitivities.

  ‘I’ll miss you too!’ she said and jumped out to collect her bags.

  Amanda ruffled around the backseat and proffered a wrapped painting from the car window, ‘I have to give you this. I think it should slide into your case no problem.’