Something Beautiful

by Jenna Jones

  "Okay," Micah said, who looked even paler than usual.

  "Do you want us to wait?" Shiloh said.

  "If you want to," Micah said. He was gritting his teeth a little as he slowly placed one foot in front of the other. "I'll probably sleep after this."

  "Okay," Rebecca said, and the door closed behind them.

  "How are you holding up?" Dune asked him after they'd walked a few slow feet.

  "It hurts."

  "Do you want to go back?"

  "No, no," Micah said and exhaled. "She said it won't hurt so much if I keep doing it. So I've got to keep doing it, even if it hurts."

  Dune smoothed a hand over Micah's hair and kissed the top of his head. "You're tougher than you look, kitten," Dune said softly, and Micah chuckled, his eyes on the floor and his fingers digging into Dune's arm.

  "I don't feel tough. I feel like I want to curl up in a corner and cry. Talk to me, so I have something else to think about."

  "Well," said Dune, "I finally found out what's going on with my dad and Adam. Adam's cheating on him."

  "Wow," Micah said, looking at him. "So when is Leo kicking him out?"

  "He's not. He says this is one of those compromises you make in a long-term relationship. I don't know what to do. Mostly I'm furious with Adam right now."

  Micah looked at the floor and said softly, "Oh."

  Dune kissed his head again. "Do you want to talk to me about Ryan?"

  "There's nothing to say about Ryan."

  Dune nodded and said gently, "You know what I think it is with you? You were just realizing how attractive you are. You had Jamie crazy about you, and then Ryan came along and wanted you, and you --"

  "I know what I did."

  "I'm sorry, baby. I just --"

  "I don't want to talk about it." Dune nodded, and they walked it silence for a few more steps. Micah said, "Do you think I'm a bad person?"

  "No," Dune said without hesitating. "I think you're a wonderful person who sometimes does the wrong thing."

  "Is that why you're mad at Adam? Because he's doing the wrong thing?"

  "Yeah. He and Leo have been together since before I was born. I thought they loved each other. I've always thought it didn't matter what else happened, as long as my folks were together."

  "They're still together," Micah pointed out.

  "Living a lie," Dune muttered.

  "Dunie, even I know that relationships take compromise to work."

  "Sure, but this doesn't seem so much like a compromise so much as a threat: 'Let me sleep around or I'll leave you.' Which is stupid. Dad could have anyone he wanted."

  "He's always saying how hard it is to be gay and over forty."

  "Stuart does just fine and he's over forty." He didn't know for certain himself, really: it always seemed that Stuart could have any young thing he desired and they'd be grateful for the attention.

  "Stuart's a law unto himself." Micah was blushing -- or just flushed from the exercise, Dune thought. Micah squeezed his arm. "Let's go back to the room. I'm starting to see spots."

  "Yikes -- yes --" Dune steered Micah back to his room, where Rebecca and Shiloh were still waiting on the upholstered bench, Shiloh playing with the baby as they chatted. Rebecca started up when the door opened and then smiled and got comfortable again.

  "You're back. Geez, Micah, you look awful."

  "That's because I feel awful," Micah said as Dune helped him back into bed and he pulled up the blanket with a sigh. "No sign of Mom and Dad yet?"

  "Not yet," said Rebecca and her hands twisted together nervously for a moment.

  "If they don't come soon I'll go get your things," Dune told Micah. "You shouldn't be too long without your toothbrush."

  "Okay." He yawned and smiled at them sleepily. "Guys, I need a nap. I'm so tired."

  "Sleep," Shiloh said and came to bed to kiss his cheek and gently hug him. "I'll come see you tomorrow after class, okay? I'm done by three."

  "It's a long way for you to take the bus."

  "Aidan will drive me," she said casually and behind her, Rebecca smiled.

  She came to the bed to claim a kiss and a hug as well and told Micah, "I'll come by later in the week, okay? And maybe bring Justin."

  "Okay." He gave Kitty's plump hand another caress and leaned back with a sigh when the door shut behind them.

  Dune sat in the chair beside Micah's bed and took his hand. "They love you a lot."

  "Yeah," Micah murmured.

  "I've always wondered what it's like to have sisters. Or a brother. Or both." He looked at Micah, whose eyes were closed and breathing was evening out. "Go to sleep. I'll stay with you a while longer."

  "Okay," Micah murmured, and Dune kissed the back of his hand and watched him sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  There was much discussion about where Micah would go when the hospital released him -- too much discussion, in Micah's view. Everyone had an opinion, his parents most vocally: he should stay with them, where he could be properly looked after, fed, taken to follow-up appointments. Finally Micah said, "I'm going to my apartment. Dune will look after me. I'm going home," and his parents could not dissuade him.

  When the hospital released him, Dune drove him home. Micah leaned against him during the elevator ride up to his apartment. Dune unlocked the door and started putting away the contents of his duffel bag as Micah walked straight to his bed. He relaxed against the sheets with a contented sigh. They smelled sweet and outdoorsy, as if Dune had hung them out to dry on a clothesline.

  After a few minutes Dune came into the bedroom and sat carefully at Micah's side. "Do you want anything to eat? I could make some orange juice and pancakes."

  "Not yet." Micah turned from his side to his back so he could look at Dune. "My sheets smell really good. Did you wash them?"

  "Yeah. And there's lavender in the pillowcases."

  Micah laughed quietly, holding a pillow to his belly. "Ow. You're so predictable sometimes, Dunie."

  Dune smiled at him beatifically. "I am a gay man," he said. "My purpose is to make the world beautiful."

  "You make the world beautiful just by existing," Micah said, slipping a hand into Dune's. "Though I'm very fond of your orgasms, too."

  Dune smiled tightly and looked away a moment. "We'll talk about that when you're better."

  Micah moved his head to lay it on Dune's thigh. "Okay."

  Dune started slowly stroking his hair. "You know you're my favorite person, don't you, Micah?"

  "Yes," Micah said, closing his eyes and smiling. "I know. That's how I know you'll take care of me and won't fuss over me."

  "I thought you liked being fussed over." His fingers played with Micah's earlobe.

  "All I want to do today is sleep. I don't want somebody asking me if I need anything every ten minutes."

  Dune poked him lightly in the shoulder. "Do you need anything? Do you need anything? Juice, milk, Jell-O? You have to need Jell-O. I know you like Jell-O -- you like raspberry Jell-O, right? Right? Right?"

  "Dork." Micah batted his hand away.

  Dune chuckled and resumed playing with his hair. "You're not going to be well enough for the Halloween party, are you?"

  "Probably not."

  "That's a pity. I was hoping we could do a couple costume."

  Micah snorted. "Couple of jackasses, you mean."

  "We could be a horse. Don't you think I'd make a great horse's ass?"

  Micah laughed and clutched the pillow tighter to his belly. "Ow. Stop making me laugh, it hurts."

  "I'm sorry." He ran his hand over Micah's back. "I won't make you dress up like a horse's ass."

  "Oh, good. What costume were you thinking of?"

  "I had a few ideas. Master and servant, vampire and victim, Achilles and Patroclus."

  "Who?"

  "Achilles is the hero of the Iliad, and Patroclus is his lover. Don't you think you'd look good in a pleated leather skirt?"

  "I look terrible in skirts. My legs are too sh
ort."

  Dune laughed. "I love your legs, pretty boy."

  "Oh, don't call me that," Micah said, poking his thigh.

  "Why not? You're beautiful." Dune ran a light fingertip down Micah's cheekbone, across the bridge of his nose, around the point of his chin. "Jamie loved drawing you, you know."

  "He did?"

  "Yeah. He didn't show the pictures to many people, though."

  "But he showed them to you?"

  "I made him. I can be very persuasive." Dune traced the curls of Micah's ear and then patted his shoulder and shifted to get off the bed. "Okay. I'll let you sleep, and when you wake up I'll have some breakfast made up for you. What do you think -- scrambled eggs? Oatmeal?"

  "Cheeseburger," Micah said, propping his head on his arm to look at Dune. "With onions and mayonnaise and extra pickles."

  Dune winced. "You're such a Philistine."

  "After a week of hospital food, I feel it's my duty to eat something greasy and bad for me."

  Dune bent to kiss him, murmuring, "As you wish." He left, quietly closing the bedroom door.

  Micah pulled over one of the lavender-scented pillows and wadded it under his head. The scent was soothing and reminded him of Dune.

  ***

  Dune walked down the hill to a corner coffee shop for Micah's burger. The staff knew him -- he'd been eating there for as long as Leo had lived in the building -- and were surprised when he ordered the burger exactly as Micah had requested it. "It's for Micah," Dune explained, and then had to tell them how he was doing since the operation. Micah had become quite a regular there himself over the past few weeks, it appeared.

  Dune ordered a sandwich for himself and French fries enough for both -- no burger was complete without fries -- and while he waited for their meals to be prepared he watched the passers-by through the big front windows.

  There was a familiar face in one of the booths: Aidan grinned at him and waved him over, so Dune slid into the opposite side of the booth. "Hi. Are you on your lunch break?"

  "Yes. I'll be heading back soon." He spun his plate so that his French fries were in Dune's reach. "Help yourself."

  "Thanks." He took one and dipped it in the mound of ketchup on the plate. "It seems like we haven't seen you for a while."

  "Well, you know," Aidan said, "we're a little old for group dates, don't you think?"

  "Yeah, I see what you mean. Though," he added, and Aidan ducked his head and looked at Dune through his lashes, "you'd bring your other girlfriends to movie night all the time."

  "That was different." Aidan sucked on his milkshake. "Bringing somebody to movie night is a good way to feel people out, you know? So if a girl could stand you guys for a night, odds were good we could stand each other."

  Dune smiled and ate another fry. "Stand us, huh?"

  "You know what I mean. You guys are," he paused a moment, searching for the right word, "a lot of humanity. But most of the girls I brought liked you just fine, and Shiloh loves you a lot -- which I bet you knew. Her brother's friends -- why wouldn't she love you? And how is Micah, by the way? I haven't talked to Shiloh yet today."

  "I just brought him home from the hospital," said Dune. "He's tired, but he'll be okay."

  "That's good. He's a good kid." He picked up his burger and had a bite. Dune ate his fries, looking up when Aidan said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

  "Sure."

  Aidan wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. "I don't know how your relationships are -- I don't really know a whole lot about your world --"

  "It's a lot like yours," Dune said, unable to hold back a smirk. "Just more colorful."

  Aidan nodded and rolled his eyes a little. "Yeah, you know what I mean. What I want to know is, have you ever dated anybody with the intention of keeping it light, of just having fun, and then realized it's not light anymore?"

  Dune shook his head. "I keep everything light. I don't want to get serious." He snagged a napkin for himself to wipe the salt off his fingers. "This is about Shiloh, isn't it?"

  "Yeah," Aidan said. "She's a great girl. She really is. She's smart, she's sweet, she's so nice to people. She's the kind of girl you marry."

  "Is that bad?"

  Aidan inhaled slowly. "I keep asking myself how badly I want a child bride."

  "Wow," Dune said.

  "Yeah. Life, huh? I meet the perfect girl and she's seriously just a girl."

  "You could wait," Dune said. "She'll be done with college in two years."

  Aidan was quiet, placing his silverware on the plate. "Yeah, I could do that. But here's my question: when does it become stupid to keep waiting?"

  Dune nodded. "I think that depends on how much you love the girl. If you two are right it's worth the wait."

  "Is that why you keep it light?" Aidan said with a pointed look and dropped a few bills on the table. "You don't want to deal with this kind of thing?"

  "It's a character flaw," Dune said. "I like easy."

  Aidan laughed and slid out of the booth. "I thought I did, too. See you, Dune."

  "See you," Dune said and moved back to the counter. Shiloh would be all right if Aidan decided to end their relationship: she was young, and there was plenty of time for her to find the right person.

  While you're still recovering from the relationship that ended when you were twenty-one, he thought, and sighed.

  Dune felt no surprise -- only had a moment of speak of the devil -- when Gavin came through the front door as Aidan went out, glancing up at the jingling bell above the door as he entered the coffee shop. Dune doubted it was coincidence, either: if Gavin was getting obsessive enough to camp out in front of Leo's building and wait for him to show up, Dune thought, he'd just have to deal with it.

  "Gavin," he said as pleasantly as he could when Gavin took the stool beside him.

  "Dune. I never would have imagined you in a place like this."

  "Why not? The food's good."

  Gavin raised an eyebrow at a passing tray loaded with fried mozzarella sticks and cheesecake and whipped-cream-topped milkshakes. "If you say so."

  "Please don't insult my friends," Dune said, still keeping his voice pleasant.

  "Your soft heart," said Gavin with a shake of his head. "Where have you been all week? Babysitting?"

  "Micah had to have his appendix removed. I've been at the hospital most of the time."

  "Poor kid. So you were babysitting."

  "Somebody has to look after him." Dune turned on the stool so he was facing the kitchen.

  "I thought he has parents for that."

  "His parents are busy people." And they really didn't help him relax, either.

  Gavin tapped his fingertips on the counter. "Who's going to do that when you get bored of him?"

  Dune exhaled slowly. "I'm not going to get bored of him."

  "Is that so?" His voice dripped mock concern. "Are you telling me I'm no longer the love of your life, Dune?"

  Dune wished he had something to do with his hands. Only Gavin made him want to fidget. "I'm telling you I'm not going to get bored of Micah," he said, and hated the smile that brought to Gavin's face, smug and triumphant.

  Gavin leaned close, putting his hand on Dune's knee, and said in a low voice, "Look me in the eye and say you don't love me anymore, and I'll leave you alone."

  Dune breathed a little harder and scowled. "This isn't about love. It's about trust. I don't trust you."

  "You don't have to have trust to fuck," said Gavin, and the waitress behind the counter visibly flinched as she placed a paper bag in front of Dune.

  "Here's your food," she said, and Dune gave her a twenty.

  "Keep the change," he said, and then turning to Gavin said, "Leave us alone," and left, tucking the bag under his arm.

  Once Dune was in the elevator of Leo's building he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, willing himself to stop shaking. The love of his life -- he'd thought so, once. He'd believed it. But shouldn't the love of your life be the one who stayed?r />
  Some of us get a love of our lives, he thought as he let himself into Micah's apartment. And some of us don't. Some of us make do with friendship and are grateful we get that.