Something Beautiful

by Jenna Jones

  Stuart laughed dryly and said, "You have a very romantic notion of the world, Micah-child. It's refreshing. Where should I put my things? This cabin looks enormous."

  "The bedrooms are upstairs -- I'll show you." He started up the stairs and Stuart followed him more slowly. "I was in this one, but I'm in with Dune instead, so you might like it -- the bed's comfortable."

  Stuart put down his suitcase and ski bag and tested the bed, finally giving a nod. "Not bad, Micah."

  Micah sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him steadily. When Stuart was miles away it was easy to dismiss the man’s charisma, but with Stuart right there Micah thought it surrounded him like an aura. It still felt like a wonder to him, too, that Stuart had been attracted to him in return: he had thought Stuart would laugh and tell him to play with children his own age.

  "In answer to your question," Stuart said seriously, "yes. I miss Jamie and I loved him very much. But it's over and he's happy."

  "Aren't you happy?"

  "Sometimes I'm very happy indeed. Sometimes I feel like an old man."

  "You're not old, Stuart."

  "I'm old enough to be your father."

  "So? Age is relative. All my friends treat me like a kid, but that's just because they're used to me being one. One of these days they'll see I'm not a kid anymore."

  Stuart looked at him thoughtfully and then smiled -- a little sadly, Micah thought. "I hope you never lose that part of you, Micah."

  "I'm a grown-up," Micah pointed out. "I have a job and my own place, and even if Dune is there a lot it's because he worries about me."

  "I hope you're still making snow angels when you're my age, is what I mean," Stuart said, and downstairs a door slammed.

  Dune called from the stairway, "Who's here? Micah?"

  "We're upstairs!" Micah shouted back. "You'll never guess who I found!"

  "Somebody hot and available, I hope," Dune said and then he was in the doorway, clearly startled to see Stuart. "Oh."

  "Hello to you, too," Stuart said.

  "Oh -- sorry, of course, hi. Hi."

  "Welcome back," Micah said, going to Dune and hugging the man tight. Dune's face was flushed from being outdoors and his skin was still cold, and he hugged Micah back with one arm, his mind clearly elsewhere. "Did you have a good time?"

  "Yeah -- hardly ever fell down. Stuart, we're making some coffee while we decide what to do about lunch, would you like any?"

  "I'd love some. I should greet our hosts." He hung his coat over a chair and went down the stairs to the kitchen. Micah heard Jamie cry, "Stuart!" in delight, which was a very good sign.

  Micah looked up at Dune, who was frowning. "What?" he asked, squeezing Dune around the waist. "Was it a surprise to you, too?"

  "Yes. Not who I expected to see at all." Dune looked at Micah a moment, then kissed Micah fiercely, lifting his feet off the floor and pressing him against the nearest wall. Micah wrapped his legs around Dune's waist, surprised but glad. "Tell me you don't like the sexy librarian thing more than you like me."

  "I like you more," Micah gasped and buried his face in Dune's neck. "I like you so much more."

  "I should let you show me," Dune whispered, "but we've got to eat and do Turkey Day properly. Promise me I can have you to myself later."

  "You can. I promise. All to yourself."

  "Good." He put Micah down and rested their foreheads together for a moment. Micah cupped Dune's cheeks in his hands until Dune pulled away and smiled at him, and they went downstairs.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ben was pulling the turkey out of the cooler where it had been brining all night as Jamie ground coffee beans. "The turkey takes four hours, right?" Jamie was saying.

  "Right. We were so lucky to get a place with two ovens. We'll do the cornbread and the apples and yams about an hour before the turkey's done, and bake the pies while we eat. So this is the only thing that's really pressing." Ben set the turkey on the pan and took out the bag of giblets.

  "Can we help?" Dune asked.

  "In about two hours I'll be ready for you." Ben dropped the giblet bag into the garbage can. From the fridge he took out a Tupperware container of his own stuffing that he had put together the night before: cinnamon and sage and apples and onions. He made a shooing gesture at Dune and Micah. "Don't hover. It bugs me."

  "I think we're being dismissed," said Dune and led Micah to the living room, where they made themselves comfortable on the sofa. Leo smiled at them fondly from his place by the hearth and stretched out his hands to the fire.

  "Coffee in a few minutes," Jamie called from the kitchen.

  "I hadn't thought California could get so cold," Stuart said, joining Leo in front of the fire.

  "Only when it snows." Leo grinned and nudged Stuart lightly, then said, "And what have you been doing all day, Micah?"

  "Working on a game and taking pictures. Mostly of icicles. Oh! The camera's still in my coat." He got up from Dune's side and went for his camera, coming back quickly. "There are some great cabins around here." He lay down on the floor where they all could see. "Like this one -- look at how the roof curves."

  "It's like a chalet," Stuart said, leaning closer to Micah to look.

  "It's pretty." Micah passed the camera to Dune, who leaned down and nodded.

  "Very. So you took pictures of roofs?"

  "And icicles and trees and snow."

  "And me," Stuart said in a mild tone.

  "Naked?" said Dune in a tone Micah couldn't place, and Leo said, "Dune," in a warning sort of way.

  "Not this time," Stuart said, still mildly.

  "They turned out really good, too -- look." Micah gave the camera to Stuart, who smiled as he scrolled through the pictures. At one he paused and looked up at Dune, and then gave the camera back to Micah.

  "You take lovely pictures, Micah." He got to his feet. "I think I'd like to help with the coffee. Micah, do you still take yours with cream?"

  "Yes, please," Micah said.

  "Leo? Dune?"

  "Black," Dune said.

  "No, you don't," Micah said, puzzled at the shift the conversation had taken. "You take it with cream and sugar."

  "As do I," said Leo, standing too. "Come along, Stuart, let me show you where everything is. Behave," he added to Dune, who scowled at the fire.

  "What's the matter with you?" Micah said when they were alone.

  "Nothing."

  Micah frowned, then got to his knees and put his hands on Dune's thighs. "You're jealous."

  "No. I'm annoyed that he's here."

  "Now Leo has company," Micah pointed out. "We're all paired off."

  "If my father sleeps with Stuart, I'm killing myself," Dune said, and Micah poked his ribs.

  "Drama queen. He's not bad at all -- he just lives by different rules."

  "Right," Dune said with a sigh, "the kind of rules that break hearts."

  "Jamie's heart isn't broken. He has Ben."

  "Look, we all know what kind of person he is --"

  "What kind of person is he? A kind person, a caring person? A smart person? A rich person? Are you that much of a snob that you don't like him because he's got money?" It dawned on him what Dune meant and he took his hands off Dune's legs and sat back on his heels. "It's because he cheated on Jamie."

  "And then tried to get him back."

  "Because he missed him." Micah got to his feet. "You don't like him because he sleeps around."

  "I don't like him," Dune said patiently, "because he breaks promises."

  "Like Adam," Micah said. "Like me."

  "It is not about you --"

  "No," Micah said. "It is. When it comes down to it, you don't trust me any more than you trust Stuart." Dune didn't answer, and Micah fiddled with the camera to have something to do with his hands.

  "Micah," Dune said finally. "I trust you."

  "Do you love me?" Micah asked, still looking down at the camera. Stuart looked wonderful in his pictures, casual and strong. Everybody shoul
d have a mentor, Micah thought.

  Dune sighed. "It's not that simple."

  "It's okay," Micah said and turned off the camera. "I didn't expect you to."

  "It's not that I don't love you, I just --"

  "It's okay," Micah repeated and stood. "You love everybody too much to have any left over for just one person. I get it. It's okay. I'm going to lie down for a while. I'm more tired than I thought."

  He went first into the room he was sharing with Dune, but thought if Dune came looking for him he might think it meant something it didn't -- so he went into the room he'd given to Stuart instead, the only other one with a made bed, and lay down.

  I'm not going to cry, he thought and dashed away some wetness from his eyes. So stupid. You know what Dune thinks about cheating, you've known it for years. And you know what he thinks of Stuart.

  He wiped his eyes again. It wasn't really so much about Stuart, he supposed. It was just about love -- wanting love, craving love, and never knowing if you really had it even when you thought you might.

  Dune would never love him. Dune liked him, Dune lusted for him, but Dune would never love him.

  Micah pulled over a pillow and buried his face in it. He didn't scream or sob, but the ache was undeniable and he had to let it out or he would burst.

  A hand touched his hair. Micah hunched up a moment, not wanting to acknowledge them, and then slowly pushed himself upright -- and saw it was Leo, who was watching him with concerned eyes. Micah sighed and leaned against Leo, warmed and comforted by Leo's arms around him. He sighed and buried his face in Leo's shoulder.

  "I wish you were my dad."

  Leo chuckled. "If I was, this thing you've got with Dune would be very strange indeed."

  "I don't have anything with Dune. He doesn't love me."

  "You think so, sweetheart?" Leo said quietly and kissed his temple.

  Micah nodded. "I know so."

  "Why do you think he's so upset that Stuart's here?" Leo asked gently.

  "Because he doesn't like Stuart."

  "And why do you think he doesn't like Stuart?"

  "Because he hurt Jamie." Micah swallowed hard. "And Dune is Jamie's best friend."

  "And you don't suppose it has anything to do with you going to Stuart after Lucas left you rather than coming home or calling one of us to join you."

  "I couldn't ask people to drop everything just to look after me."

  "Micah," Leo said. "Dune would have gone the moment you said you needed him. Don't you think he was a bit hurt that you didn't? At a time when you needed your friends around, you went to somebody you barely knew."

  "I got to know him," Micah mumbled.

  "Well, that's the crux of it, isn't it? And now suddenly Stuart's here and you've put him in your room --"

  "I took my stuff into Dune's room this morning."

  "Ah," Leo said.

  "I mean, we slept together last night, I figured -- I figured a lot of things. None of them right, it looks like."

  Leo kissed his forehead. "Why don't you go downstairs and talk to Dune?" he said gently. "Tell him about what you figured." When Micah only hung his head and sniffled, Leo said, "I know my son, and I know you are very important to him."

  Micah sniffled. "I should go make up a bed for myself, I think."

  "Micah, it's not hopeless."

  "It doesn't feel terribly hopeful right now, either." He wiped his nose with his sleeve, and Leo winced. "Sorry. There's still sheets in the linen closet, right?"

  "I think so. Micah, don't give up on happiness. I saw you two this morning -- hell, I've seen the two of you the entire time you've been friends. And you make each other happy."

  "Not happy enough," Micah said, so sad he could hardly stand it, and went in search of the linen closet.

  ***

  Dinner was perfect, of course -- Ben knew what he was doing. They all ate too much, drank a lot of wine, said, "No, no, I'm stuffed," to pie and then ate some anyway. The sun was long set when they finally left the table, put the dishwasher into its third or fourth cycle that day, and nibbled at the last of the pie and mashed potatoes.

  Jamie had stories for all occasions and told them well, so he did most of the talking. Ben and Leo both preferred to listen, particularly when Jamie and Stuart starting catching up on old friends, and Dune could think of nothing to contribute. He watched Micah instead, who seemed more interested in the wine than the turkey and baked apples.

  When Micah poured himself another glass, Dune said, "How much of that have you had?"

  "Not enough," Micah said, and drank it in a gulp.

  Stuart, sitting at Micah's side, gently touched his arm. "You're going to have a terrible headache tomorrow if you keep this up."

  "Good," Micah said tonelessly. "That's what I want. A terrible headache."

  "Okay," said Ben, getting to his feet, "I've had about enough of this. Whatever bullshit is going on, we're going to walk it off. C'mon, kiddo, into your snow boots."

  "Why? I don't want to go for a walk."

  "Because you need to sober up and you're going whether you want to or not. Up." Ben hooked an arm around Micah's chest and hauled him to his feet. Micah's wine sloshed onto Ben's shirt.

  Ben looked down, sighed, said, "Okay," and carried Micah out the back door.

  "Ben," Jamie said, getting up to follow him, and then the back door slammed shut -- opening only long enough for Jamie to say, "Don't wait up," to the others.

  Silence fell heavily around the table.

  "I'm not sure what just happened," Stuart said at last.

  "Tough love," said Leo, and then bapped Dune on the back of his head.

  "Ow! What was that for?" Dune said, rubbing the back of his head.

  "More tough love. I'm taking Micah his coat. He doesn't need pneumonia on top of everything else. Talk to Stuart," he said pointedly to Dune and his eyes flicked to Stuart a moment. He left to get Micah's things and returned to follow the others out the back door.

  Dune frowned and sipped his own wine.

  Stuart said, "Is there any apple pie left? That was very good."

  Dune passed him the plate with the last of the apple pie and the bowl of fresh whipped cream, also mostly gone. Stuart spooned some whipped cream onto the pie and ate a few bites.

  "So," he said, "what is it that we need to discuss?"

  Dune swallowed hard and decided to just go for the jugular: "Did you sleep with Micah while he was staying with you in France?"

  "Yes," Stuart said.

  Dune hadn't expected him to be so blunt -- or so honest. "Right."

  Stuart put down his fork and said seriously, "He is a very beautiful young man, but you don't need me to tell you that. He's a very intelligent young man, but you don't need me to tell you that, either. He's a very lost young man, but I think no one knows that better than you, as you've done so much to help him find his way. I was a friend when he needed one, Dune. That's all."

  Dune looked away. "Oh."

  "You have no reason to be jealous."

  "I'm not jealous. I'm just looking out for him. He's been hurt enough -- he doesn't need somebody like you in his life, messing with his head."

  Stuart leaned back in his chair, regarding Dune steadily. "I don't think I'm the one messing with his head tonight."

  Dune frowned at his hands.

  "Do you care for the boy?" Stuart asked quietly.

  "Of course I do."

  "Then listen to what he's saying to you."

  "He put you in his room," Dune said, though he knew it was a weak point now.

  "He put me in an empty room because he wants to be with you. Or did, anyway. If he'd rather be with me tonight --" Dune looked at him sharply, and Stuart smiled in triumph. "That's what I thought."

  Dune scowled. He doesn't understand anything, he thought, but there was a niggling thought that maybe Stuart understood everything a lot better than he did.

  "If he'd rather be with you tonight I'm not going to stand in his way," he
said out loud.

  "If he'd rather be with me tonight I don't blame him." He took the empty plate to the sink and ran some water to wash the last few dishes. "You're not being very nice to him." He paused. "He took a picture of you this morning, while you were sleeping, it looked like. It was very tender. You should ask him to show you."