Butterfly

by Sylvester Stephens

  Ms. Erin had her assistant, Tara, meet me at the airport. She was a thin white girl, with a thin nose. Her head was long and skinny and she needed some sun badly. Her hair was straight and blonde. She was tall with long, skinny legs. She talked a lot, but she was nice. Basically, she was a white replica of me.

  I still had a week before the show actually began, so Ms. Erin wanted to squeeze as much experience into those 168 hours as she could. I stayed with her in her Malibu home on the beach. My first morning was spent drinking tea and watching the night turn to day. The sunrise scenery was unbelievably beautiful. However, it was short-lived. Ms. Erin let me enjoy my tea and then it was off to work.

  I worked from sun-up to sundown! Outside shots, inside shots, summer wear, winter wear, underwear, just about every damn wear you could think of, I wore. By the time the first round of elimination came for America the Beautiful, I was worn out. I think the only way I got through it was those brief evening phone calls with my family and friends.

  I was kept up to date on what was going on in the ATL by Keisha... My bad, I meant, Toya. I guess my girl Keisha was still on my mind like that. Anyway, Toya told me some news that made my jaw drop. Jacqua, who was supposed to be totally into girls, and who I heard say out of her own mouth, that she would never be with another man for as long as she lived, was pregnant! So I do not have to tell you that the baby was not Janae’s, huh? That was wild. I heard Janae went looking for the guy with a gun.

  But I did not get caught up with that drama back home, or that bullshit those girls were doing in the house. I stayed focused and did what I had to do to make it to the next round of elimination. I was courteous to everyone, but friendly to no one. And as each week passed, and I remained on the show, my confidence grew. Not just as a contestant on America the Beautiful, but as a woman. I never thought I would make it out of the first round, but I did, and I made it all the way through to the final round.

  In the final episode when the winner was announced, all of the women in my family flew in from Atlanta. They came to support me in my victory, or in my defeat. It was like my graduation all over again. I was still under contract to stay in the house, so I could not see them until after the final live episode was shot.

  It came down to me, and the only girl I considered to be my friend. It was a bittersweet situation for me. Out of all those crazy maniacs in that house, Melinda was the only person I liked, or respected. She was pulled into a few altercations but nothing too dramatic. I liked that about her. Unfortunately, though, it was down to her and me.

  The final competition was the catwalk! It would be both of our first time in front of a large audience that was not associated with one of the challenges of the competition. We had on high-heels, bikinis and a thong with our asses out. Out of courtesy, she wished me luck before the cameras started to roll. Out of pity, I wished her luck because stilettos and nakedness was right up my alley, literally! It was like being back in the strip club. I was so into it, I almost climbed up a pole. It felt natural to me. Let’s face it, I was an exhibitionist! Needless to say, when they announced the name of the winner of America the Beautiful: Season Five, it was Butterfly.

  Afterward, Melinda was a sport about losing. She told me I looked like I had been doing that all of my life. Well, maybe not all of my life, but for a year at Emerald City, yeah, I was the shit!

  After almost two months of not seeing any of my family, we finally reunited at Ms. Erin’s house for a Southern barbecue. I invited Melinda, and a few of the girls that I had not heard from since they were eliminated from the show. We discussed some of the things that went on in the house that we knew nothing about. We also revealed some of the things that we did know but never made it on air. All in all, we had a ball. We let our hair down and for that one day, we ate like pigs.

  I flew back with my family for a couple of days for rest and relaxation. I did everything but rest. All of my friends wanted to see me and I did not want it to seem like I had changed, so I drove all over Atlanta to see different people. I met up with Janae and Toya and they had me laughing, talking about how Jacqua was scared to tell Janae she was pregnant.

  “So you don’t talk to Jacqua at all now, Janae?”

  “Hell nawl! That bitch better be glad I didn’t break her damn jaw like I did to that niggah.”

  “Whose jaw did you break?”

  “That fool that jacked my girl from me.”

  “You got in a fight with that dude, Janae?”

  “Not really.” Janae laughed and gave Toya a fist pound. “I just whooped that niggah ass. I had that niggah crying like a little bitch.”

  I laughed so hard my stomach was tightening up. “Did she?”

  “Butterfly, when she say she whooped that niggah ass, she whooped that niggah ass. Janae rolled up on the hoop court while them niggahs was in the middle of playing ball and parked her shit! She got out of the ride with her pistol in her hand and chased that niggah against the fence where he couldn’t run.”

  “I ain’t ask that niggah no questions. I just commenced to beating his ass with my gun. This niggah was crying in front of his boys, begging me to stop whooping that ass.”

  “Yeah, but what Janae is not telling you, is that him and his boys put the word out that they’re going to come back for her.”

  “They’re going to shoot a girl?” I asked. “Those are some punk-ass niggahs!”

  “Those dudes don’t see Janae as no damn girl. They see her as a niggah.”

  “I ain’t studdin’ them fools, Butterfly. They gotta bring some ass to get some ass.”

  “You’re not worried about that guy coming back?” I asked. “I am!”

  “Hell nawl, niggahs like that ain’t nothin’ but talk. If he was a man, he wouldna ran in the first place; he woulda took his bullet when I got out the car.”

  “Girl, you better watch your back.”

  “When it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go. It ain’t nothin’ I can do about it.”

  “There is something you can do about it. You can stay the hell out of trouble!”

  “I’m trying, but niggahs keep coming at me and I ain’t backin’ down to no niggah! That’s all it is to it.”

  “Y’all have to let this go.”

  “Naw, I’m a’ight! I gotta be grown style now. I’m eighteen. If I catch a case now, I’m going to be tried as an adult. It’s time to lay low.”

  “Okay, girl, I don’t wanna be hearing about you getting caught up in no more of this street-type activity.”

  “Naw, I’m good, though.”

  “Toya, watch this chick for me. It’s just us now. Keisha gone, Jacqua’s not a part of the clique no more. I can’t lose any more of my girls.”

  “Imma try, girl.”

  “Get outta here with that bullshit. You probably met all kinds of new niggahs out there in L.A. We saw you on television every week fronting like you one of them runway hoes.”

  “Fronting my ass! You saw me doing what I needed to do to win that hundred grand, Janae.”

  “Don’t get it twisted; I’m proud as hell!” Janae said hitting the table slightly with her fist. “I was like, my niggah gon’ win this shit!”

  “I recorded it every week on my DVR and watched it whenever I wanted to.”

  “I didn’t even know y’all watched reality TV, Toya.”

  “I didn’t, until you got me into that shit.” Janae laughed. “Now I watch everything, Tiny and Toya, Keisha Cole, Atlanta housewives, Monica, all of them niggahs!”

  “You mean all of the people from Atlanta reality shows?” I joked.

  “All of them niggahs here in Atlanta?”

  “Yeah, fool.”

  “Damn, shit, I didn’t even know.”

  “Hey.” I was very sincere. “I want you to make me a promise, Janae.”

  “Man, you know I don’t do promises, Butterfly.”

  “You got to this time.”

  “Come on, man, don’t make me do that. I’m not good at keeping pro
mises and you know it.”

  “Janae?” I poked my lips out and raised my eyebrows.

  “What, Butterfly?”

  “I’m serious.”

  “Aw, man, damn. What is it?”

  “I want you to promise me to stay out of trouble.”

  “Come on now, you know fools are always coming at me, man. I can’t...I can’t back down to nobody, man. Half of the battle on the streets is your rep, baby. I can’t promise that.”

  “Okay then, come out to L.A. with me.”

  “Fool, you crazy.”

  “No, I’m serious. Both of you.” I looked at Janae and Toya. “Come out to L.A. and stay with me and just start over.”

  “How are we going to live in L.A. all by ourselves when we’re barely making it in Atlanta with our families?” Toya asked.

  “I got y’all, don’t worry about that.”

  “Naw, that’s your money, Butterfly. We move out there with you and we’ll go through your money like it ain’t shit. Do you, don’t worry about us.”

  “Speak for yourself, Janae,” Toya snapped. “I want to get the hell out of here! I want to start over. It ain’t no future in Atlanta for me.”

  “What you gon’ do out there in California, Toya?”

  “I don’t know. Get a job, do something.”

  “Get a job where, niggah? They got McDonald’s here.”

  “I can be your personal assistant, Butterfly. I’m good with computers, Word, Excel, PowerPoint, all that shit.”

  “I don’t need no personal assistant.”

  “You will. Your ass is about to blow up.”

  “I don’t know about no blowing up, Toya.”

  “Niggah, everybody in this whole country know who you are now.” Janae pounded the table again. “Niggah, you won the America Beauty Queen show.”

  “It was America the Beautiful, fool.” Toya chuckled.

  “Whatever it was, my niggah won it!”

  “Okay! That’s enough! I can’t take it no more!” I pointed my finger at Janae.

  “What?”

  “I can’t take the way you use the n-word.”

  “What you talking about, niggah?”

  “That! Everything is niggah this, or niggah that. Stop using that word so much.”

  “A’ight. I didn’t know it bothered you so much, niggah.”

  “You still saying it!” I shouted.

  “Damn! I did? That word just run in my family. It’s hereditary.”

  “That word don’t run in your family. You just so used to saying it, it just comes out automatically. I mean you use it as a verb, noun, adjective, everything, man. And let me tell you what else you need to stop saying.”

  “This niggah is trippin’.” Janae laughed out loud.

  “I’m serious. Stop calling women bitches and hoes so much.”

  “Shit, I call niggahs bitches and hoes, too.”

  “Well, stop calling them those names, too.”

  “Wait a minute.” Janae lit a cigarette. “We’ve been through this before. I can either cut back on saying niggah, or bitches or hoes, but ain’t no way in hell I can do all three at one time.”

  “Okay, cut back on using the words ‘niggah’ and ‘bitch,’ for right now.”

  “A’ight, my niggah.” Janae took a puff on her cigarette and blew it out.

  Toya was laughing so hard her head was leaned back over the seat, and her face was pointing straight to the sky.

  “Toya, back to you.” Toya stopped laughing and sat straight up. “How much are you charging to be my assistant?”

  “I don’t know. How much they normally charge?”

  “I ain’t never had no assistant before.”

  “How about forty dollars an hour?”

  “How you gon’ go from making eight dollars an hour working at Rally’s to making forty dollars an hour doing some shit you ain’t never done before in your life, Toya?”

  “You ain’t got nothing to do with this, Janae.”

  “I got this, Janae,” I said. “Keisha...”

  “Keisha gone, baby,” Toya interrupted. “I’m Toya.”

  “Dang, did I say Keisha again?”

  “Yeah, you keep calling me Keisha, girl.”

  “I’m sorry, I meant Toya.” I paused momentarily and reminisced over the times Keisha and I had hung out at Dugan’s. “Toya, why do you think you deserve forty dollars an hour?”

  “Okay, thirty dollars an hour then.”

  “Why you drop ten dollars like that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Okay, let’s do this. I’ll pay you five thousand dollars less than what the average personal assistant makes, plus, you can move into my apartment with me when I get back out to L.A.”

  “What do your apartment look like?”

  “I don’t have one yet. My agent is looking for one now. But it should be big enough for all three of us.”

  “I don’t know if I could make a big jump like that. I know Atlanta, man. I know what to do and how to do it up in here.”

  “But everything you know is self-destructive, Janae. You have to break that cycle, girl.”

  “Butterfly is right. What are you going to do here besides go to jail?”

  “Y’all don’t get it, man!” Janae was frustrated. “I fit in here! I can be what I want to be here.”

  “They got lesbians out there in California, Janae,” Toya joked.

  “This ain’t just about that. I like the way I look! I like the way I dress! I don’t want to go nowhere, where I can’t be me! People in California is all about trying to be skinny, and pretty, and that ain’t me.”

  “They have a place called West Hollywood that you need to visit, Janae. You would be considered conservative out there. It’s not what you think. Los Angeles is loaded with freaky, weird people! Just give it a chance. If you don’t like it, come back to the A-T-L, a’ight?”

  “Come on, Janae,” Toya urged. “Come out there with me.”

  “You sure your modeling friends won’t be whispering in your ear?”

  “Don’t worry about them. Y’all family.”

  “Okay then, cool.”

  “I’m leaving the day after tomorrow, so y’all need to be ready to go.”

  “I can be ready today if you want me to. I’m ready to get the hell up outta here.” Toya was so excited.

  “We driving?”

  “Hell no, Janae!” I said. “Okay, y’all, I have to go pick Bri up, so we can go to my little sister’s dance recital.”

  “A’ight, I got to go get with this chick before it gets too late anyway.” Janae stood and gave me a fist pound. “I’m out.”

  “Me, too.”

  We left Dugan’s and I picked up Bri. She was acting strange, kind of distant, so I had to find out what was going on.

  “Okay, what’s going on, Bri?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why are you acting strange like that?”

  “Like what?”

  “Stop answering a question with a question.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, man, here we go.” I sighed heavily. “Why aren’t you talking to me?”

  “Okay, if you want me to tell you, I’ll tell you.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “You come home from California and you act like you can’t hang with me. It’s all about your friends.”

  “Bri, come on now.”

  “I’m serious. We haven’t done anything together since you been here.”

  “If you wanted to do something, why didn’t you just call me?”

  “Okay, whatever, Butterfly! Forget it! Just go be with your friends.”

  “Bri? Look, my friends have problems. Serious problems and I’m trying to help them. You’re my family. No matter how much time I spend with them, it’s always going to be me and you, and you know this...maaaaaaan!”

  “That’s not funny.” Bri chuckled.

  “All right, look
, you, me, and Brit, tonight, we’re having a sleepover.”

  “Can I ask if Alex can come? I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks.”

  “Yeah, I haven’t seen her since I’ve been back.”

  After Brit’s recital, Uncle Mike picked up Alex and brought her over to our house and we had a sleepover. I enjoyed my cousins tremendously, but I was also sad. There was still a missing pillow in the room that could not be replaced. When everybody had fallen asleep, I placed Keisha’s picture on my pillow next to me, and then I cried myself to sleep.

  • • •

  I promised Jeremy we could hang out the next night. Since he announced that he was going to stay home and attend Georgia Tech, Jeremy had been all over the local news, ESPN, talk shows, everywhere. The Yellow Jackets were an underdog to get him, but in the end, he went with the home team. I understood why; they were not a national powerhouse and his talent would flourish. His light could shine brightly for the one mandatory year he had to spend in college and then he would be on to the NBA. I know it was his father’s idea. Jeremy would be the only star on the team, but more importantly, he would still be near his daddy.

  We decided to go to the movies at Lenox Square mall. On our way out, Jeremy was holding my hand and brought up the subject of us getting back together again.

  “I really think you need to reconsider my PowerPoint proposal I emailed you about getting back together.”

  “You’re nuts!”

  “Did you get it?”

  “Yeah, I got it and you are crazy, boy.”

  “I’m going to keep bugging you until you give in, so you can save us both a lot of time if you just said yes right now.”

  “You can’t love me the way I need to be loved, Jeremy.”

  “What are you talking about? I do love you unconditionally. I’m practically begging you to come back to me.”

  “That’s an ego thing, not an unconditional thing.”

  While we were talking, two goofy teenagers, one black and one white, walked in front of us and stopped. The young black girl mustered up the courage to speak and nervously reached out a piece of paper.

  “Oh my God! It’s you! Can I have your autograph?” The girl’s hand was practically shaking like a leaf on a tree.