Phantasmic (A Sexy Romantic Comedy)

by Evie Long

  “How?”

  “I don’t know! That’s why I want to see what you have! But I can’t afford to pay for it.”

  He sighed. “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Look, I’m a screenwriter,” I said (true-ish)…and I’m going to write a screenplay about this whole case” (lie). “And if I do…and if it sells…”

  I could practically hear his mind clicking like a calculator on the other end of the line.

  “It’ll make my stuff a lot more valuable!”

  “Exactly!” I said. “So, I mean I notice you’re in the 323 area code. Are you in…?”

  “Hollywood,” he volunteered helpfully.

  “That’s great. I’m in West L.A.…So what if you…um….just like let me pay you like 50 dollars, just to look at all the stuff and I’ll give it all back when I’m done.”

  “And you’ll credit me with a…a credit? On the movie?”

  “Absolutely!” I said. I was more than happy to offer him a nonexistent credit on the nonexistent movie made from my nonexistent screenplay. In fact with all the promises for nonexistent things I was actually starting to feel like a real producer!

  “Well, okay,” he said. “I’ll be in your area at around 4pm. So if you want, I’ll bring it by and pick up the cash.”

  “You’ll come here?” I asked suspiciously.

  “Sure, maybe I’ll get to see the ghost of Carlo. Or maybe I’ll help you figure out the mystery and I’ll be, y’know, like a main character in the movie.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. I gave him my exact address and we set a meeting time at 4pm.

  While I waited I decided to straighten up a bit but was soon joined by Trevor and Carlos who both felt it necessary to continually interrupt and distract me. In order to distract them back, I tossed Trevor his orange squeaky toy and for Carlos I put on the TV. He seemed puzzled by the point of the show but I convinced him to give it a chance, telling him it was one of my favorites.

  Then I took out my vacuum and headed to the bedroom. When I finished in there, I came back into the living room.

  “Arden, please hush, my love,” Carlo said, clearly captivated by the wonderfulness that is Storage Wars. “They are just about to open the storage locker.”

  “Oh sorry, I didn’t realize." I turned off the vacuum and sat on the edge of the sofa to watch as they sawed the lock off the storage locker that Dave had just purchased.

  “Ah! Look at that!” Carlo clapped. “Look what he found! And he only paid two hundred dollars for that locker!”

  I nodded, impressed. “I bet those posters are worth thousands. Dave always finds the most valuable things in those lockers. Always.”

  “He must have the magic touch,” Carlo agreed.

  Storage Wars ended and I went back to cleaning but unfortunately Carlo wasn’t nearly as entranced by the next show. He was soon up and pacing and mumbling to himself. Then, suddenly, he’d vanish and I’d hear clomping and crashing sounds in various other parts of the apartment. One bang was so loud I literally jumped.

  I just really hoped Joel’s evidence would help me with my ghost problem.

  Thankfully, 4:00 o’clock finally arrived and so did Joel, ringing my doorbell right on time. I looked out through my peephole and saw a tall, gangly, sandy-haired guy with a small goatee. He was holding a cardboard file, looking around furtively.

  I called out through the door, “Just a second!” then hesitated. I had my hand on the doorknob, but I couldn’t turn it.

  How could I know for sure that he wasn’t some kind of psycho? Yes, he had a business of his own – but it was a business that sold the belongings of psycho killers. Who on earth would want to deal in such things? Other psycho killers probably!

  I hesitated.

  I bit my lip, thinking.

  I heard a loud BANG from upstairs.

  I opened the door. “Hi, come on in,” I said, smiling.

  CHAPTER 19

  “Hey, so hi,” Joel said, walking in and looking around with the same furtive expression. It made me nervous until I realized that was probably just his regular expression. Something about his upturned eyes, slightly large nose and weak, furry chin gave him a vaguely rat-like appearance. But not in a bad way, just in a nerdy, furtive way.

  “So we should probably take care of business first,” he said, sounding like a hooker worried I was going to stiff him.

  “Right,” I nodded, pulling out the fifty dollars I had folded up in my jeans pocket. I handed it to him.

  Flicking through the money, he nodded, satisfied, then set the file down on the dining room table. He plucked at his Hawaiian shirt, pulling the thin, sweaty fabric away from his thin, sweaty chest. “It’s pretty warm in here.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed as I went over to the thermostat to turn the heat off. “It’s Carlo,” I explained when I came back. “He keeps messing with the temperature.”

  Joel looked around. “Is he here? Now?”

  “He’s always here. Mostly he stays in the attic. And messes with the heater.”

  Joel nodded knowingly.

  “Is that like a ghost thing?” I asked.

  “Who knows? I don’t really know anything about ghosts.”

  “Oh,” I said disappointed.

  “But…” he said as he went over to the file and opened it. “Check this out.”

  He pulled out some old time black and white crime scene photos and flipped through them. Finally he settled on one and held it up near the wall radiator. “Look,” he said.

  I looked. It was a picture I really didn’t want to see – evidence of murder in my very apartment. But I forced myself to look at it more closely.

  The photo in Joel’s hand was a 1946 photo of the very same radiator that was now warming my living room. With one difference: the wall above the metal grille in the photo was covered in bloody handprints.

  CHAPTER 20

  “Yuck,” I said, looking from the photo to the actual radiator. “How did you get this stuff?”

  Joel looked cagey then shrugged, unable to keep the pride out of his voice. “Well, I’m only telling you this for background on my character…y’know, for the movie. But… there’s a certain dumpster in Hollywood, near an old police station – I won’t say where – but they sometimes dispose of old evidence in ways they’re not exactly supposed to.”

  “You mean they just throw old evidence in the dumpster?”

  He blinked furtively, like he wasn’t going to say more.

  “So what else did you bring?” I asked, glancing at the crime scene photos but not really wanting to look at them. These were, after all, bloody crimes that took place in my apartment.

  “I have a transcript of Audrey’s interview with the police – from her hospital room. And some interviews with some other people, like the neighbor who called the cops. These would be really helpful for your script.”

  I nodded, sort of wishing I really were writing this script.

  “There’s also…the murder weapon!” he said, pulling out a long, sharp art nouveau style letter opener. The handle had a figure of a woman with flowing long hair, while the blade was thin and curved. “Or, I guess, the ‘attempted murder’ weapon,” Joel corrected himself. ”I was hoping to get a lot of money for this but unfortunately no one is interested in Carlo Portino.”

  I frowned, looking at the weapon.

  “There’s also the letter, of course. The stalker note.” And with a flourish, Joel pulled out Carlo’s letter which he had sealed in some sort of plastic sleeve. I took it and looked at it closely, seeing it up close for the first time. It turned out that what I’d thought was dirt was actually blood. Bloody palm prints and fingerprints were smudged all over the faded white paper.

  “Uch,” I said, not wanting to touch it but unable to take my eyes off it. Carlo’s handwriting on the note was small and neat, but there were so many words crossed out and others that were heavily underlined, that the whole thing looked to be written by a psycho. An obsessed murderous psycho. And
the bloodstains really didn’t help.

  I read it aloud, softly.

  “My beautiful wild flower. I have loved you since the moment I first saw you and now that I have found you, I will never let you go. You and I will be together for all eternity. My dream is to sleep with you forever and never let you go.”

  “Wow. No wonder you call it his stalker note. It’s really creepy. ‘Sleep with you forever?’ Sounds sort of like he had a murder/suicide thing in mind.”

  Joel nodded excitedly, looking more animated and open and less furtive then I’d seen him. “That’s what I was thinking! And that’s what Audrey thought too! If you read Audrey’s transcript, she says that Carlo left her that note, earlier that day, on the set of Bounders. Which is why she came over to break up with him that night. And why, before she did, she borrowed a friend’s gun to protect herself.”

  He looked around, nodding. “It’s pretty cool to be in the place that it happened.”

  “Cool, yeah,” I said. He didn’t pick up on my sarcasm.

  He started pacing around. “I wonder where the dining table was. It must’ve been right…here!” Joel held up one of the crime scene photos, comparing it to the current décor. “So here. Right here is where he grabbed the letter opener from the table. Then he came towards her, saying, “You’ll never get away!”

  Joel paused in his rendition in order to fill me in. “The neighbor heard him saying that and called the police.”

  I nodded.

  Joel’s eyes were alight with energy. “Audrey fumbled inside her purse and grabbed the gun. She shoots Carlo in the shoulder, trying to stop him. But he comes towards her. Slashing out.” And here Joel did a stumbling, slashing motion with his long delicate forearms and wrists.

  “Slashing her shoulder. Then slashing again, scarring her face.” Joel loped around making ‘slashing’ movements as he spoke, joyfully reliving the moment. “Then, she shoots again! Carlo falls! But he gets up – slashes out at her again! She drops the gun. She struggles to get it; he comes at her the knife up over his head – ready to kill her…when she shoots him in the heart.”

  Joel was sweaty from his performance but he looked happy and excited.

  I took a deep breath. “You really get into this stuff, huh?”

  “It’s history,” he said, his eyes glittering. “Hollywood history.”

  “Uh, okay.”

  I really wanted him out of here as he was beginning to creep me out. “So can I keep this stuff for now?”

  “Sure,” he answered looking me up and down. “Then we can talk about it, if you want. Over coffee.”

  “Sure,” I said. Did he actually lick his lips when he asked me? Yikes.

  “And don’t try to steal anything, it’s all archived.”

  “I never would,” I answered. Jeeze, where’s the trust?

  I closed the door behind him and walked back over to the evidence, when it hit me that it was still really damned hot in here. Was it just the nervousness of having that freaky guy in here? No, I didn’t think so. I walked over to the thermostat and saw that it was turned up again.

  I sighed, irritated and turned it back down. Then I went back to the dining table….where Carlo was now standing. Looking at the note. He was holding it in one hand and in the other he now held the letter opener. He was grasping it tightly as he mumbled to himself.

  “Carlo!” I exclaimed, nervously. I really didn’t want him to see any of Joel’s stuff, but in my eagerness to get rid of Joel himself, I forgot all about Carlo.

  “Carlo?”

  He didn’t hear me. He started pacing back and forth. “I want to lie with you in eternity. Forever. I want you to be mine forever. My wild flower, my wild flower.”

  He came towards me. The letter opener was in his left hand, his eyes were on fire. I backed away.

  “I’m not her! I’m not the one you love! It’s Audrey you love, not me!”

  He reached out for my hand.

  “Carlo!” I screamed, trying to snap him out of it. He grabbed my arm and in an instant there was a loud BANG.

  I jumped. I looked up and saw that Carlo had fallen back, shot. He had a bloody wound on his shoulder. He looked at me, shocked, then looked around for the letter opener which had fallen from his hand. He found it and stood up, coming towards me again. ‘You….wont…. get…away….” he said, lifting the knife ready to stab me.

  “Carlo!” I screamed and in an instant we were back in the present.

  Or at least I was. Carlo had disappeared. And the blood that was all over the floor disappeared.

  I looked around, gasping for breath. I was burning up. I looked over and saw that the radiator was now blasting full strength. I started to run out of the house, then realized I had to go back in. I didn’t want my bungalow to burn down. I ran over to the thermostat and turned the temperature down.

  I paused, panting, trying to catch my breath. In the quiet bungalow I suddenly heard the loud pounding sound of Carlo pacing above. Clomp clomp clomp. Clomp clomp clomp. He was in the attic. Mumbling. “I will lie with you forever. Forever. You’ll never get away…”

  CHAPTER 21

  I grabbed the box of Joel’s stuff, stashed it in my car and took off. It was my own fault for leaving this stuff around, but still – it was my apartment! I should be able to put whatever I want in my apartment and not have a crazed ghost try to kill me for it, right?

  I absolutely had to find some way to get rid of him. I just had to.

  I pulled into the closest Starbucks and waited in the parking lot until I was calmer. Then I took Joel’s file folder and went inside. I ordered a soothing cup of Earl Gray and sat sipping my tea as I looked through the file: the police interview with the neighbor, the interview with Audrey.

  Audrey had told the cops that Carlo got insanely angry and jealous when someone on the set told him that she’d slept with the director. He and the director had a fistfight and he fired Carlo that day. Carlo stalked off the set and she hoped she was rid of him, but then she found his creepy stalker note in her purse – so she went to confront him that night.

  That stalker note. That creepy, creepy stalker note – which he’d been quoting to himself obsessively since I’d met him.

  I had to wonder: Even if Carlo didn’t consciously know what his purpose was here, what if his unconscious did know? What if his purpose was keep stalking Audrey forever – into eternity?

  And what if it was up to me to help him reach his goal?

  CHAPTER 22

  I saw what I had to do. I had to help Carlo realize that Audrey was no longer here on this earthly plane. If he wanted to keep stalking her, he had to go find her on the other side. And ‘go towards the light!’

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I could just track down where Audrey was buried, I could show him a picture of her grave and maybe he’d see the truth.

  I used my phone to do an online search for Audrey Czerny’s obit but all I found was a small blurb about her death – it didn’t mention where she was buried. Then I remembered that Lilly’s grandmother knew her. It was possible she even went to the funeral or perhaps knew someone who did. So I grabbed my stuff and headed out. Yes, it was all a long-shot but at this point it was my only shot.

  ----

  I arrived at Grandma Rosa’s an hour later and found her having dinner.

  “Feh! She said irritated, pushing her plate away. “This food is so bad. And they serve so little of it!”

  I nodded in agreement, though really I thought it smelled delicious. But then again I’m a secret lover of hospital food, airplane food and all things industrialized, salty and processed. I kept hoping she’d offer me some but she didn’t.

  “Vhat is you vant, dearie?” she asked. “Lilly is vit you?”

  “No, she’s not here. I just wanted to talk to you a little bit more about Carlo Portino.”

  She nodded then sighed loudly. “Carlo."

  “You know, I get the sense you…maybe…knew h
im a little better than you said last time.”

  She shrugged. Which was good. I had feared she might get angry and start spitting again.

  “Yeh, vell. Vee vas a little closer than I let on. Didn’t vant to upset Lilly.”

  “No, of course not.”

  “She still like to think zat Harry vas the luff of my life. Harry vas a gut man, but…ach…” She sighed and looked off. “The passion…the passion vas vis Carlo. Never has I felt like zat ever. Not before, not since.”

  “Wow. So you and Carlo had a…relationship?”

  She nodded. “Yeh. On The Bounders.”

  She sighed as she thought back. “Vas my very first movie I vorked on. I vas assistant in costume department. Very shy. Young. I vould jus vatch him. Sometimes even I help him dress in ze Victorian costume. I tought he was the handsomest man I ever seen.” She sighed again. “Such beautiful eyes.”

  “Like emeralds,” I said.

  “Ach yeh.” She looked sad as she sat there thinking about him. Like maybe he broke her heart.

  ”Never trust the beautiful eyes,” I said.

  She nodded in sad agreement. “I vas so young. I believed him when he said he loved me.”

  “Oh? Was this all before he met Audrey?”

  She shook her head. “No, he still been dating Audrey but he tell me zey not serious. I'm not knowing how the men vas, I believe him.”

  She didn’t seem like she was going to say any more.

  “So, um…I heard that he got in a fight with the director that last day – over Audrey. That he was jealous of the attention the director was paying her.”

  “Psst. (there was the spit) The fight, it's not over Audrey. Vas over the costume – the props. Somezing…”

  “The props? He punched the director over the props?”

  She nodded. “Carlo vas always getting upset about dis or dat- ever since I gife him the book.”