Silent No More

by Aaron Fisher

  I finally told my mom that I was getting tired of being with Jerry and that I just wanted to hang out with my friends. I said to tell Jerry that I wasn’t home even if I was when he called.

  It was around the end of the summer. I was fourteen, and would be fifteen in November. At that point, I even signed up for this program at Big Brother/Big Sisters where I could hang out and play pool and games and do my homework after school. We went bowling and to movies and roller-skating; it was good but it was most of all a good excuse not to be with Jerry.

  The next time Jerry called, Mom said I was out, even though I was home. He demanded to know where I was and she told him that I was getting older and just wanted to hang out with my friends. That was when Jerry went crazy.

  5

  It Doesn’t Matter

  Who He Is

  Dawn

  THE NOTION THAT JERRY WOULD HARM MY CHILD NEVER CROSSED my mind. Maybe if he hadn’t been Jerry Sandusky I would have felt different. I’m still not sure. I think I still would have trusted him even if he was just the guy who ran a children’s camp, and nothing more. This was a man who had a special interest in kids—so, in my mind, why would he hurt them?

  And in the beginning, he was a gentleman. He didn’t overstep his bounds with me or with my kids. He even signed up Katie and Bubby for the “friend” program at the Second Mile. So it wasn’t like he was just taking an interest in Aaron; he was taking an interest in the welfare of my other kids, not to mention everyone else’s kids.

  The first time that Aaron spent the night at Jerry’s house, I knew that there were other kids there. I also knew that he was a married man and that he and his wife had raised six adopted children. His wife’s name was Dottie but everyone called her Sarge. I always wondered why, and much later I found out that it was because she had a reputation for being strict. I met Sarge briefly that first night when I dropped Aaron off, so I also knew that she would be there. Having a “mother” at home made a difference to me.

  One time, when Jerry took Aaron and some other kids to swim and for dinner, Jerry called me to say that for some reason the pool was closed, so was it all right if he took them all to his house instead to play video games? Of course I didn’t mind. How generous of him was that? And how polite he was to ask my permission first. Another time, I had to go over to Jerry’s to pick something up that Aaron had left behind. As I recall, Aaron had not yet spent the night there, and while Jerry went to get whatever Aaron left, I sat in the living room and talked to Sarge. I was playing with their Saint Bernard and trying to make conversation, and I thought that Sarge was kind of mean. She just rubbed me the wrong way. That first time I saw her was just a brief hello, but this was the first time we ever really talked. Even though she was polite, she wasn’t warm. Jerry, on the other hand, was extremely warm. They were very different.

  After Aaron started to spend a lot of time at their house and began staying the night, whenever I saw Sarge, I always felt like she was treating me as though I was the “other woman.” It almost reminded me of the way my husband’s ex-wife used to treat me. I felt self-conscious. I thought maybe she was jealous of me. I asked Aaron if she was mean to him and he said that she wasn’t, and that he really liked her cooking.

  I had a funny feeling from Sarge because she was just so cold. It crossed my mind that maybe Sarge was nasty to me because she was a snob, that she looked down her nose at me because I wasn’t on her level. I thought maybe she was jealous because her husband spent so much time with my kid and Jerry was over at our house a lot, too. I just couldn’t figure her out.

  Looking back, I think that maybe Sarge treated me bad because part of her knew what was going on.

  Even so, Jerry gave me hope and I trusted him. One time Jerry and Sarge even babysat my other kids. I was working the beer cart at a fund-raiser for my daughter’s cheerleading team and I dropped off Katie and Bubby at the Sanduskys’ since the two kids weren’t old enough to be home on their own. Jerry had offered to keep an eye on them and then bring them over to me when the fund-raiser was finished. He said there was no reason for me to drive back and forth.

  When Aaron first started spending so many nights at Jerry’s, I asked Jerry if that was okay and not an imposition. Jerry was again reassuring. He said they had a spare bedroom in the basement with a water bed, video games, and everything and that Aaron was happy and safe and clean, so I shouldn’t worry.

  When Aaron came home from those nights at Jerry’s, I didn’t notice anything different about him. Now, I have other kids and they’ve spent the night at their friends’ houses or at their grandparents, and with Aaron it would be kind of like when any of my kids came back from any sleepovers. You let your kid go someplace where there are different rules; when they come home and back to your rules, they’re ornery, because it was more fun at someone else’s house. When Aaron was with my parents, they spoiled him; he got everything he wanted when he was there, and when he came home to me, it was the same old, same old. I figured that was the case when he was at Jerry’s, too, so I didn’t pay attention if he was kind of cranky. I thought he liked it better at Jerry’s, where he was the center of attention and not one of three kids. He’d act out a little but I figured it was just that transition between being at Jerry’s and being at home.

  Aaron started wetting the bed at twelve. That was just around the time he started staying over at Jerry’s, but at the time I never made the connection. He never told me when he wet the bed, because he was embarrassed, but I would find his sheets wet so I knew. I took him to our pediatrician, Dr. Turner. The doctor said it wasn’t uncommon at all. Aaron had wet the bed when he was younger, but then he had stopped, so I was worried that there was something physically wrong with him. However, Dr. Turner explained that sometimes bladders grow at a slow rate and can’t hold the pee; he gave Aaron a nose spray and said that should help. All I could think was that when he was at Jerry’s he was probably wetting the bed, too, so I made sure he took the nose spray with him when he slept there. I asked Aaron if he wet the bed at Jerry’s; Aaron said that he did sometimes, but Jerry and Sarge never said anything to him about it.

  I told Jerry about taking Aaron to the doctor for the bedwetting and he asked me what the doctor said. Jerry said that boys do that sometimes and I shouldn’t worry about it. He even said that he knew Aaron wet and tried to hide it, but that it wasn’t a problem for him. He was used to it with boys Aaron’s age. Jerry was comforting and had all the right answers.

  One afternoon, Jerry was over at our apartment, and when he heard that Katie was on the cheerleading team, he asked her to teach him some of her jumps. Then he started doing cheers for all of my kids. He was jumping around and making up a cheer like “Jerry! Jerry! He’s our man! He can do what no one can!” I thought that was really bizarre. I even told my friends about it afterward and said that I wondered if Jerry was gay. I still didn’t find him threatening in any way, but I wondered if he was someone other than what he presented himself to be.

  One of my neighbors, when I told him about Jerry doing the cheers, said, “Wouldn’t it be something if he was molesting kids?”

  I felt myself clutch and then I asked him why he would say something like that. He said, “Nah, I’m just joking and being a jerk.”

  But after he said it, I called my best friend Kathy and told her what the neighbor said and then we both said, “Oh no, that’s crazy. I mean really crazy. I mean, this is Jerry Sandusky we’re talking about.”

  Still, it bothered me enough that I even asked Aaron if he thought that Jerry liked guys or if he did any stuff that’s sexual to him. Aaron said no and told me I was crazy.

  I’ve since learned the difference between being gay and being a pedophile.

  I never thought that Jerry was the brightest person in the world. He didn’t speak the way someone in his position should speak and instead acted like a big kid. He didn’t seem sophisticated. I just took him to be a real dumb jock with a heart of gold.

  As ti
me went on and Aaron was around thirteen or so, he really started to act out and give me a hard time. He was mouthing off to me and even called me a bitch once and screamed at me. Once he even hit me. This was totally new behavior and I figured I should call the school. I called the psychologist at the middle school and asked him to evaluate Aaron. He met with him and afterward said it was just puberty; boys go through that, and especially because there’s no father in the house, it might be worse and I should just let it go.

  The school knew that Aaron spent a lot of time with Jerry and that Jerry was mentoring him, because Jerry often picked him up from school and he was very visible in Aaron’s life. He even watched him at practices and drove him home. I didn’t know that Jerry was driving Aaron home in those days until all of this came out. I never gave Jerry permission to drive him home. Often, when I went to the middle school because Aaron had left something at home, like his wrestling shoes, and I had to drop them off, Jerry was there. He’d ask me if I was there because Aaron got in trouble. I explained that Aaron forgot something. I never asked Jerry why he was there. I knew that he volunteer-coached at the school and figured that was reason enough.

  During this time, when Aaron was with Jerry, I was dealing with my daughter. I had to keep track of her mobile therapist and her behavioral specialist and her post-traumatic stress disorder workers, who were in my house working with her all the time. Katie’s PTSD started after Eric physically abused her and I threw him out. I would only allow supervised visits with him. But Katie still didn’t want to be around him and used to hold on to the car and I would have to peel her off and make her go and she would scream. I took the mobile therapist into court with me and she explained that Katie was now afraid of men and then the judge said that Katie did not have to go on the visits even when they’re supervised. The judge said Katie could get gifts or cards or phone calls from Eric but that was it. So I had my hands full with my daughter. I was distracted for sure.

  There came a time when Aaron stopped wanting or agreeing to be with Jerry. I didn’t keep a journal back then, but I know that Aaron was closer to fifteen. He didn’t say straight out that he didn’t want to go with Jerry, but he would just say, “If Jerry calls, tell him I’m busy.” He was still wetting the bed and he had been hanging out with Jerry for about three years now, and suddenly he tells me that he needs me to lie to Jerry for him. I asked why did I have to lie to him and why don’t you just tell him that you don’t want to go? Aaron says it’s because you can’t tell Jerry stuff like that. I brought it up to Aaron again and again asked why he didn’t want to go with Jerry anymore and he said because Jerry wanted Aaron to be with him every weekend and he just didn’t want to be there every weekend—he wanted to be with his friends. That made sense to me. He was getting older. Aaron also didn’t want to go to the Second Mile anymore. He’d been there for three summers at that point and he wanted to go to wrestling camp. He also wanted to go to the after-school program at Big Brothers/Big Sisters.

  I assumed Aaron didn’t want to tell Jerry himself because he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, since this guy was spending all this time with him and doing stuff with him and he didn’t want to be disrespectful.

  So, I lied to Jerry for Aaron. When Jerry called, I would tell him that Aaron wasn’t home even when he was and then Jerry would ask me for his friend’s phone number so he could call him at his friend’s house. I thought that was awkward. Why would he hunt him down at a friend’s house? I said to Jerry, why don’t you just call somebody else? I told Jerry that I didn’t want to disrespect him but Aaron was hanging out with his friends and then I’d end the conversation.

  But the more that Aaron didn’t want to be with Jerry, the more Jerry called. Sometimes he called several times a day. He was real upset and when I got defensive and even bitchy and asked him what was the big deal if Aaron didn’t want to go with him, he said that he had a tight schedule and really needed Aaron’s help because Aaron promised to help him with certain things at the camp and at golf tournaments. He said that he paid Aaron to manage equipment and such but I never knew about that arrangement. He made it out like Aaron had made a commitment to help him and was skipping out on it and being irresponsible. He made it sound like he was doing this for Aaron’s own good. Like even though he was a kid, he had an obligation to do what he promised.

  Aaron started acting out even more with me and when I grounded him for that, Jerry got real upset. He wanted me to lift that grounding because he wanted to be with him, but I said Aaron’s grades are bad and he’s mouthing off and I’m his mother and he’s not going anywhere. Jerry said how about if I make sure he gets his grades up and talk to him about the way he’s been treating you? Then will you let him come with me? I said that I would, but I’d also have to speak to Aaron’s teachers. Then, if Aaron met all the conditions, he could go with Jerry.

  Until then, Aaron never told me that he didn’t want to see Jerry at all anymore. He just said he didn’t want to be with him so much and wanted to be with his friends more. A teenager wanting to be with his friends more than with an adult didn’t seem strange to me.

  I told Aaron what Jerry’s deal was when it came to his being grounded and that was when Aaron dug in his heels. He said that I needed to tell Jerry that he wasn’t home because he wasn’t going with him despite the paying job. He just didn’t want to be with Jerry and he made that clear to me. So, even though I told Jerry that he could see Aaron if he had a talk with him, when he called the house, I continued to say that Aaron wasn’t there.

  It wasn’t much later on that Jerry followed Aaron’s school bus home and came to my house looking for Aaron. He stood in my front yard and demanded to know where Aaron was. Aaron had just walked home from the bus stop and I saw him dart behind a bush when he saw Jerry. I sort of jerked my head to say “run in the house.” I still wasn’t thinking too much of anything other than that Aaron didn’t want to be with him and I was protecting my child’s wishes.

  I was talking to Jerry outside and he was nearly begging me, saying that he just wanted to talk to Aaron, and I kept saying he’s not home. I said I didn’t know where he was and Jerry got real agitated but he tried to calm himself down. He said that he wasn’t trying to get at him and maybe Aaron was mad at him because he was coming on a little too strong about all the responsibility stuff. He even admitted that Aaron ran from him at school and that he was just trying to schedule stuff with him and couldn’t get a straight answer out of him. I laughed and said that Aaron was a teenager and I couldn’t get straight answers from him either.

  That might have been the first moment when I thought that I’ve got to keep my kid away from this guy, but I didn’t know exactly what my instinct was telling me. I was just talking to him and explaining that Aaron was a teenager now and his life was changing and Jerry wasn’t getting it. I was intimidated by Jerry but I was also confused and wondering why he was acting that way.

  Jerry apologized and walked off and said he was going to go and look for Aaron. I went back in the apartment and told Aaron that he had to come right out and tell Jerry that he didn’t want to see him and he should also find out what he wanted. At that point, Jerry had come back and that was when Aaron went outside to talk to him.

  I was peeking at them through the window. I could see Jerry’s hand motions and he was yelling, and even though I couldn’t hear his exact words, I could tell that he was angry. So then I went upstairs and opened my bedroom window and stood and listened and I heard him telling Aaron that he was being ridiculous and that he needed to spend more time with him and that Aaron’s joining other programs makes him feel useless.

  That was when I called my dad. Jerry was trying to act like a parent and I thought Aaron’s my child and no one else is going to make demands on my child but me. I resented him for the way he was acting with my kid and yet I didn’t feel right standing up to him because of who he was.

  My dad came right over because he could hear that I was scared and Dad knows that I
don’t scare easy. I wanted to go outside and just tell Jerry to get away from my kid but I couldn’t because he was Jerry Sandusky.

  Aaron went back into the house before my dad got there and I went back outside to talk to Jerry while I waited for Dad. I saw Aaron watching from the window, and Jerry was pacing in a circle like a caged animal while I tried to calm him down. He was wearing his usual outfit of a white T-shirt and blue wind pants and he was just so frantic. He reminded me of someone who was being accused in a domestic dispute.

  When my dad pulled up, I said you’ve got to get out of the car and talk to Jerry and even though that’s hard for Dad because he has polio, he climbed out of the car. Dad asked him what the problem was and then Jerry gave this sort of jock giggle and said it wasn’t such a big deal that my dad needed to come over, and then he went into the whole routine about being a busy guy and how he just needed Aaron to make a schedule with him because he’s trying to give him as much time as possible. He said that even going to wrestling camp for a week wasn’t a real good idea because it would cut into their schedule. Jerry acted like he was trying to rescue Aaron and I was trying to stop him. He acted like he was our salvation. I went back inside after that. I’d heard enough.

  My dad and Jerry must have been there for well over an hour when I came back out. I was beginning to get pissed off and frustrated. I didn’t want to challenge Jerry too much but I did tell him that I wasn’t trying to be ignorant, that I am Aaron’s mom and it’s my job to handle things. He said he wasn’t trying to step on my toes, he was just trying to help. My dad said that all Jerry was trying to do was schedule time with Aaron. How Jerry said he could take other kids but he sees something in Aaron and wants to make sure that he stays on the right path and he just wants to help and he really cares about him.