Silent No More

by Aaron Fisher

  I assured him that I wouldn’t tell any of the details to his mother. The whole time I was with him, I wasn’t really taking notes, even during that first session. I wrote my notes up afterward. I did write down some trigger words, though. I explained to him that I had my own shorthand for things that prompt my memory because I would have to write things down later. I knew that taking notes would make him uncomfortable. I also wanted him to feel that he had my full attention. He was with me for a couple of hours before he told me that oral sex had occurred. Even then he didn’t tell me on his own; I asked him and he said it had.

  At first, when he talked to me about some of what happened, he didn’t react as though the behavior was as deviant as it really was. That was because the abuse started when he was so young. If the abuse had started when he was fifteen, he would have been outraged. At fifteen, a boy understands sexual boundaries. Aaron, having been a victim beginning at the age of not quite twelve, and having been groomed since eleven and abused for so long, didn’t understand how abnormal the acts were.

  We were together for nearly three hours that day, and finally he became more like a fifteen-year-old and the notion of boundaries had kicked in. In the subsequent sessions, he admitted that he was concerned about the acts escalating to anal intercourse. He was finally digesting that the things that happened to him were wrong. I was very blunt with him when I asked questions but gave him the ability to answer with a yes or a no, and that relieved him of a lot of burden.

  I didn’t focus on the perpetrator in that first session. I only focused on Aaron and what happened to him. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t suicidal and that his needs were fully met by me. I also wanted to ascertain whether he needed medication, because his anxiety was so acute and significant. I did not feel that he was at risk, but I knew that his anxiety level was high and I had a feeling it would only increase.

  After he confided in me, stating the nature of the abuse to the best of his ability, I explained the process. I said that Jerry Sandusky would ultimately be arrested because what he did was a crime. When Aaron heard that, he kept repeating that he was afraid that Jerry Sandusky would have him killed. Assurance for his safety and his family’s was of the utmost importance to Aaron.

  In no way at all did I think he was paranoid. Even at that point, before I realized the power of his abuser, I felt that fear was justified. All kids are terrified in cases like this and the extent of Aaron’s abuse was enormous. Of course, once I understood the perpetrator’s identity, his fears seemed even more valid. Aaron was matter-of-fact when he spoke of Sandusky’s power and said that Sandusky could easily hire people to kill him and his family. I assured Aaron that CYS could provide safety. I explained that we worked with law enforcement and sheriff’s deputies who were right there in the building at CYS. And we could make arrangements to make sure he and his family were safe at home as well. I told him that we would alert 911, and that if he saw or heard anything suspicious, 911 would make sure that a patrol car would come immediately. We’d even step up patrols in his neighborhood and around the school.

  I tried to rationalize with Aaron and said how it would be foolish for Sandusky to attempt to harm him, because Sandusky was going to deny it all. If he tried to threaten or harm Aaron, it would appear to be an admission of guilt. Aaron was able to process that a little bit. To some degree that calmed him.

  His secondary fear was a concern for Sandusky. Aaron was a sweet kid, and like so many abused kids, they’re concerned about their abuser. He asked me very detailed questions about if Sandusky went to prison, how long he would be there. He worried that something bad would happen to Sandusky and said that all he wanted was to get away from him. He wasn’t looking to punish him. He actually felt a little guilt when it came to Sandusky as well: Here was this man with whom he had been close and now he was going to be punished. This is also very common among children who are victims of pedophiles. Like Aaron, the abused child is often confused as he tries to sort out who exactly the perpetrator was to him: A best friend? A father figure? A predator? On one hand, Aaron was worried that Sandusky could kill him. On the other, he was worried that Sandusky could spend his life in jail. The conflict he felt appeared to be overwhelmingly intense.

  At the end of that day I promised Aaron that I would be with him throughout this whole ordeal. I said I would see him through from beginning to end and meet with him every day if that’s what it would take to make him whole again.

  10

  Trying to Trust

  Aaron

  JERRY STOLE A LOT OF THINGS FROM ME—BUT MAYBE MORE THAN anything he took away any kind of trust that I had ever placed in anyone. To this day I’m still working to get that back.

  The day that Mom and Erin took me to CYS, I didn’t trust anyone. I had just come from the school and they didn’t believe me. I couldn’t tell any of my friends what was happening, so there was just no place to turn. But even at the school, when I told them what happened, they looked at me as though I was a liar. Some crazy mixed-up kid who was making up stories about a great man.

  People let me down. People didn’t believe me.

  So when my mom and Erin went with me to CYS and I met with Jessica, there was no way I was going to tell Jessica anything. I wouldn’t open up to her because she’s a woman, even though my mom and Erin weren’t in the room. So Jessica brought me to Mike. The truth is, I only agreed to go to his office because I wanted Jessica to stop asking me questions and she said that Mike was the alternative since I wasn’t answering her.

  I was shaking and crying. Mike pulled out a chair for me and pulled one up next to mine. I looked at him. He’s a big, burly guy with a thick head of hair and a mustache, and even though I didn’t trust him one bit, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Hey, let’s just talk a little bit. I know you’re really upset. Let’s just hang out and everything’s going to be okay. I’m on your side.”

  I’m on your side.

  That first question Mike asked—did something sexual happen to me and who was the abuser—was huge for me. Right then, I felt that Mike knew that I wasn’t just a boy who lodged a complaint. This guy believed me right from the start.

  Even so, Mike didn’t really know yet what was going on. All he knew from Jessica was that something might have happened between Jerry Sandusky and me. But he didn’t seem to care who this Sandusky guy was; he seemed to only care about me. That was a start. Mike knew there was an allegation of abuse but he didn’t know the nature of the allegation. He knew that I said I had been hurt in some way but he didn’t know how.

  So there’s Mike saying all the right things and I know he’s the psychologist at CYS and I actually found myself trusting him just enough to open up the slightest bit. I told myself that my instincts were way better now than when I was twelve. I was so upset about not being believed, and I knew that if I told someone who had the power to make it stop, then maybe they could keep Jerry Sandusky away from me. So even though I didn’t trust Mike completely at first, by the end of that first day I figured he was a 6 on a trust scale of 1 to 10.

  It was what Mike said to me after I began to open up to him a little that built up the trust. As long as I told him that something happened, I didn’t need to go into any detail. I just needed to tell him if something sexual happened, like touching or oral sex, and he would ask me so all I had to do was say yes or no. He was real straightforward. When I said yes, that oral sex happened, Mike just said that I didn’t have to talk about it more right now, but at some point, when I was ready, I could talk to him more.

  As I began to open up over the hours and days and months and years, Mike kept explaining to me what Jerry’s MO was. What the MO is for all guys like Jerry. Mike just kept saying that Jerry was the exact profile of a predator. When it finally sank in, I felt angry. I also felt extremely stupid because I didn’t catch on. When I told that to Mike, he said I was being way too tough on myself. I argued that I never should have let any of that stuff happen to me. Mike expla
ined that I was a child when it started and it wasn’t my fault.

  In the beginning, I was more afraid of Jerry than I was angry at him. Like I said, I was angry at myself for being such a stupid kid—but when it came to Jerry I was petrified for a long time. As time went on, things balanced, and although I was still angry at myself, I was angrier at Jerry. I was also angry at other people who I felt let me down, like Mrs. Probst, Mrs. Smith, and, maybe the worst of all, Coach Steve Turchetta. He was the athletic director, the football coach, and the assistant principal at my high school. Jerry called him whenever he wanted to pull me out of class and Turchetta just handed me over. Jerry was the assistant volunteer coach for the football team, and I didn’t even play football, so didn’t Turchetta wonder why Jerry was pulling me out of class?

  If that wasn’t bad enough, just a couple of days after Mom and I went to CYS and made the report, my mom was shopping at the Goodwill when a woman came up to her and started screaming that Mom and I were disgusting for what we were doing to Jerry. Now, the woman was no stranger to Mom, who had grown up with the woman’s kids. Still, Mom said the woman acted like my mom was an outsider and told her that the charges would never stick and he’d be back at the school before we knew it. One of the woman’s grandkids played on the football team and she said that the parents of the team members were angry that Jerry wasn’t allowed to coach anymore and they knew it was because of what I said about Jerry. She also said that people didn’t believe me and that Mom and I were lying because we hoped to get money out of Jerry in a lawsuit.

  When Mom told me what happened, I couldn’t believe that people in my town violated my privacy and talked behind my back. How could they say I made up this story for money? I felt so betrayed. Kids are supposed to be able to trust adults like neighbors, teachers, principals, and coaches. When I told Mike what happened, he comforted me. He told me to just hold my head up high and keep moving forward. He said he was going to make sure there was justice. Without him, I think I might have hit rock bottom.

  I saw Mike every day for weeks and I called his cell whenever I needed him. I still see him every week and he’s still always at the other end of the phone. That chair where I sat that first day is the same chair I’ve been sitting in now every week for the last three years. It’s in that chair and with Mike in the room where I feel the closest thing to trust that I can feel.

  11

  The Writing on the Wall

  Mike

  IT WASN’T UNTIL I HAD MET WITH AARON AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR times that I realized who we were up against. Sandusky wasn’t your ordinary perpetrator.

  After about four sessions with Aaron, I had a meeting with Rosamilia and Jessica to report my overview of the case. We were embarking on the initiation of the paperwork and summary to the State Office of Children and Youth, and issuing a report to the Pennsylvania State Police stating that child abuse had occurred. This was all standard operating procedure.

  On the civil side, CYS can indicate a level of guilt. That’s what we call it—“indicate.” We can find, based upon our evaluations, that someone is guilty of child abuse; once an individual is indicated, that individual can no longer hang out with children or be in a job where the individual works with minors. An indication means that we have identified a level of guilt even though the perpetrator hasn’t been criminally tried. On the criminal side, there is the district attorney, the local police, or the Pennsylvania State Police, but as an agency, if we at CYS believe that someone is guilty, we have the power to contain them.

  We got that indication in motion, and after a letter went out to Sandusky stating that he was indicated, Rosamilia discontinued CYS’s informal relationship with the Second Mile. Rosamilia was convinced that Sandusky was guilty of abuse when it came to Aaron. There was no doubt in his mind or mine that the evidence Aaron presented supported his story.

  By this time, I knew that Sandusky was the founder of the Second Mile, and although I knew about the camp and I knew that CYS often recommended children to the camp, there was a lot I didn’t know until later. Unlike me, Rosamilia knew exactly who Sandusky was, the power he held, and the power of those around him. I just knew that he was a former defensive line coach who had retired and founded the camp; that was about it. Unlike a lot of people in my town and in the state, although I was a Penn State fan to some extent, I was never quite the fanatic. I was never that entwined in the culture and mystique of Penn State.

  It wasn’t until the end of November, after Sandusky had been indicated by CYS, that Rosamilia and I had a real heart-to-heart. Rosamilia told me that not only had Sandusky founded the Second Mile in 1977, but he was more than a figurehead. He was extremely active there and worked directly with all the kids.

  Aaron told me that Sandusky also volunteer-coached at his middle school, and when he entered the high school, Sandusky positioned himself as a volunteer football coach there as well. It was Aaron’s feeling that Sandusky wanted to be closer to him. Once he was in high school, Aaron stopped playing football, mostly because he didn’t want to be around Sandusky, but Sandusky stayed on anyway.

  I knew that the teachers, principals, coaches, and school superintendent were all friends. Everyone knew their relationships extended socially beyond the school. This is a small town, and people talk. In light of the school’s deplorable response to Aaron’s complaint, I felt that the school was also rife with favoritism when it came to Sandusky.

  Not long before my sit-down with Rosamilia, Aaron told me about Dawn’s run-in with the woman at Goodwill and that people in town knew Aaron’s identity. Who would have the audacity to divulge a child’s name? Especially a victim of sexual abuse. What a betrayal on so many levels. How could friends and neighbors dispute Aaron’s allegations and then slander Dawn and Aaron by saying that they manufactured the story in the hopes of getting financial compensation? I really had to keep my cool as I counseled Aaron.

  Here was a kid who was a star athlete, never in trouble with the law, didn’t drink, didn’t use drugs, was just a really good kid, but now condemned by at least a portion of the community. Far too many were beguiled by Sandusky.

  I wondered what would have happened if Aaron had been the son of prominent and affluent parents, instead of a kid who lived in public housing and whose single-parent mother relied on welfare. I felt that Aaron was being discriminated against because his family didn’t have means. I believed that the case would have been handled differently and the community’s stance would have been more sympathetic if Aaron came from a different background. I was getting pretty worked up as I pictured an alternate scenario with well-heeled parents. I figured they might have hired a private attorney and simply snuffed out the ugly allegations. Since Sandusky was the accused, the family might have just swept it all under the rug to avoid the spotlight of public scrutiny. Or maybe their reputations might have been at stake if people said they didn’t do enough to protect their child. Or maybe they would have preferred to suppress all of it to avoid the stigma of child sexual abuse. For sure, their kid would never have come to CYS and I wouldn’t have counseled him. My imagination was off to the races, but I didn’t think it was unrealistic.

  The notion that people challenged Aaron’s credibility enraged me. I calmed myself by thinking that maybe things happen for a reason. Regardless of a family’s economic or social status, a kid still needs counseling after a trauma like Aaron’s, and CYS and I went to bat for him legally and therapeutically. Maybe if this had happened to a kid who was from a notable family, Jerry might still be at the school, tooling around the Happy Valley, and running the Second Mile. My focus needed to be solely on Aaron’s state of mind and getting justice. As Rosamilia and I traded information about Sandusky, a bell went off in my head. Was the community’s questioning of Aaron’s credibility spawned from small-town gossip and politics, or from something more sinister?

  The second bell went off when Rosamilia and I were talking about Sandusky’s retirement from Penn State in 1999. We both just
looked at each other. The guy was in line for Joe Paterno’s job as head football coach. Everyone was talking about the fact that Jerry Sandusky would be JoePa’s replacement if he ever stepped down. So, why would Sandusky retire? There were no reasons given for illness or family problems, just that he was devoting more time to other pursuits. So, did he retire or was he forced to retire? Then Rosamilia said that it was strange that even though he had been a shoo-in for Paterno’s coveted job, Sandusky still remained a fixture at Penn State with dinners and fund-raisers—and of course, the Second Mile Camp, which was billed as a salvation for every underprivileged or compromised child in the state of Pennsylvania.

  We were thinking the same thing. If you’re so active at the college and at all the fund-raisers and the charity gigs, why retire when you could have been JoePa’s successor? What happened in 1999 that made Sandusky retire, and did he really retire or was he asked to leave? Rosamilia said that after 1999, Sandusky retained professor emeritus status, got a sweet retirement package, and still maintained an office on the grounds of Penn State given his affiliation with the Second Mile. So, again, what happened in 1999?

  We talked back and forth and mulled it over, then we both said out loud, “Who are we up against?” In that moment, we both knew: We were just a human services organization and Sandusky knew everyone who was anyone.