The Last Rain
Page 13
heard the snide comments about my red belt.
Martin:
I move that we omit Varda’s red belt from the list.
Gila:
All right, let’s start with a vote on whether to a) look
at specific cases before deciding on the need for new
guidelines, or b) try to come up with a formula first,
based for example on whether the item could be useful
to others, its value, its purpose …
Martin:
Acquisition equals mass times the speed of envy squared.
Lou:
Envy doesn’t enter into it.
Dori
We’re at Galron. I pick up a cardboard wheel that teaches you how to read with dots. I turn the wheel and look at the different dots. I could learn it now if I wanted to. But what’s the rush?
A new girl joined our Group today. Her name is Hannah. She’s very tall with white skin and long blonde hair that she doesn’t want to braid or put in an elastic. She doesn’t have a mother and I think her father is a dentist. He’ll have to do things aside from fixing teeth because most people’s teeth don’t need fillings more than once a year. It’s different with Dafna because there’s always someone who’s sick.
Hannah isn’t a Pioneer and she doesn’t want to be one. She doesn’t like Eldar and she doesn’t like us. I tried to talk to her but she didn’t answer me.
Diary of a Young Man
6 February 1922. There is still much that is missing from our commune; we don’t even have a clothing pool yet. People hesitate to share in this area.
8 February 1922. Finally, there is a clothing pool.
At the moment it’s not mandatory, but most members were enthusiastic, and immediately a procession of suitcase-bearers formed in the yard, marching towards the storage area next to the kitchen.
There are those, however, who oppose the pool. In our Meetings, they argue that it’s too early, we haven’t yet created the necessary conditions—that is, intensive, communal life that is broad and profound. When those conditions are reached, the pool will come into being naturally.
Dori
Hannah has a different way of drawing the sky. Instead of one blue line on top she fills the whole space with light blue. And instead of pressing her crayons she makes everything pale. Like her.
I don’t know about not pressing but I have to admit that her sky is better. We want to copy her but we don’t like her so we pretend we don’t like her sky.
I asked Daddy if he could trace the beautiful gas station picture from the black book of paintings. He said he could! And he’s doing it! It’s going to take him a long time because it’s a very hard picture.
I’m so happy he’s tracing it! I’m going to have a copy all my own. I’m very lucky with my Daddy.
Landscape with Garage Lights, by Naftali
Dori
Another wonderful Hike with Carmella.
Some of the children are saying that if you cut a worm in half it becomes two worms. They find a worm and cut it in half and both parts start to move. But I don’t think the worm likes it. I don’t think there are two worms now. I hope they won’t do it again.
Suddenly I find a rakefet hiding under a boulder! Wondrous and dainty, with wings like a fairy’s—the song is exactly right. Delicate white with a tiny bit of dark pink at the bottom and then slowly turning into white. Oh I’m going to burst with happiness. I lie on my stomach and look and look. If only I could do more than look. That’s the problem with everything. All you can do is look.
Baby Diary
December 1.
Crawling backwards.
Dori
We had a letter from Jonathan. Shoshana read it to us. He said he likes his new kibbutz and he has a tricycle.
We’re all jealous. He’s a show-off.
He doesn’t miss us at all.
As a matter of fact I had a tricycle in Canada. I rode it all the way to the corner store and back. My brother David was raking the leaves with a boy who lived next door who always had a Band-Aid on his knee. A boy Daddy didn’t like but we played with him anyhow. I bought two pink popsicles at the store and when I came back the leaves were in a big pile and we jumped on them and ate our popsicles. A half for me a half for David and a half for the boy with the Band-Aid and a half for his little sister Louise.
Our First Year
24 July 1949. A big celebration in honour of Eldar’s first child, Avital. Indeed none of us, aside from the parents and one or two privileged individuals, has yet seen the infant (who must be protected from the microbes of ordinary mortals), nor was she able to participate in the large-scale festivities in her honour.
Eli even composed a song for the occasion to words by Edna. Archie delivered a lecture, with props, on the Care and Feeding of Infants, in which he explained the phenomenon of “leaking” in the young child—nothing surprising, he assured us, in view of the fact that the human being consists mainly of water.
Dori
It’s Hanukkah.
After supper we go to the Dining Hall and walk in the dark holding candles and singing Candle My Candle and We Come to Dispel the Dark. They’re both beautiful songs.
What I like best is when we sing—
We come to dispel the dark
With our candles glowing bright
Each one a tiny flame
Together a great light
Because it isn’t just a song. It’s what we’re really doing. That doesn’t happen usually.
Dispelling the Dark
Dori
We have to rush in the morning now that we’re going to Galron.
But by mistake Shoshana brought a soft-boiled egg for me from the Kitchen instead of hard. She says you’re just going to have to eat it. But I can’t eat a soft-boiled egg. I’ll throw up.
Shoshana says no one is leaving until Dori eats her egg. I start to cry but she won’t give in. I cry right into the egg. I move it with my fork but I can’t eat it. It doesn’t even look like food.
I cry and cry and Shoshana gets angrier and angrier. Finally she tells me to take the bowl with me and eat the egg on the walk to the microbus. I hold the bowl and the fork and walk and cry. Suddenly I have an idea. I spill the egg in the bushes.
I tell Shoshana I finished and give her the bowl. I tricked her.
Between the Motion and the Act
Rubin changed the subject: “What do you have against your wife?”
“What exactly do you mean?”
“Why do you torment her for no reason?”
“You really think so?”
“Are you kidding? Sometimes you act as if she’s your slave. She’s afraid to say the wrong thing at the wrong time at the wrong place. What do you do to scare her so much? It’s not her fault that I look at her—I can’t help it. And what’s wrong with that, why shouldn’t I? I don’t see you stopping yourself from looking at Esther or Brauna or anyone else. Free her, free her!”
“Do you really think so?” Nat repeated, both repelled by and appreciating Rubin’s honesty, knowing he was only partly right, partly wrong.
Dori
Hannah sits with me on the patio of the Children’s House. The patio is my favourite part of Eldar. The floor is made of big purple tiles in different shapes that curve into each other. Even when it’s hot the tiles are cold if your feet are bare or if you lie down and put your cheek on them. I want to eat those tiles.
We once got our hair washed with kerosine on the patio. Dafna came to help Shoshana. We took off all our clothes except for our underwear and Dafna told us to close our eyes really tight while she put the kerosene in our hair. The kerosene was in a big rusty barrel. I like that word—barrel.
After we washed our hair with the kerosene Shoshana sprayed us with water from a hose. We ran in and out of the water and went wild. It was fun.
Hannah has a soft voice. Maybe she’s only shy. She says I’ll think of a number from one to ten and you have to guess it.
I guess three and she shakes her head. Then she says you’re allowed to lie in this game.
The game makes absolutely no sense to me but I don’t care. I’m happy that Hannah’s finally talking to me.
But then suddenly she gets up and walks away. She really hates Eldar.
Diary of a Young Man
14 February 1922. The Meeting yesterday was profound. We spoke—actually only one spoke, and the others were silent— about Eros in society, about individual freedom. I didn’t understand most of it, but the discussion was imbued with a special spirit that can’t be put into words. It is no wonder that Eros is central to our talks—we bare our souls before one another.
20 February 1922. I am still shattered from yesterday’s discussion. Some time after midnight I was startled out of a deep sleep by the clanging of the bell. I was sure that our camp was in flames. Half-naked, I ran outside, but all was quiet—no sign or hint of a fire.
I approached the others, who were emerging from their tents, and asked them in a fearful voice where the fire was. But they reassured me and in hushed tones told me to keep my voice down, for the bell was summoning us to a Meeting. I wondered why a Meeting was being called at midnight. I returned to my tent, dressed, and made my way to the Dining Hall [mess tent].
The tent was half in darkness and somewhere in a corner a small lamp flickered. On the floor, against the walls, people sat huddled together, and from one of the corners, as if rising from the depths, came the voice of Y.B. like the voice of a spirit, full of mystery. The speaker kept his head bowed, and disembodied words broke through the dim space.
“I called for a talk (long silence) … because I … that is, we, every individual (long silence) … The society, one family (long silence).”
All the comrades sat with their heads bowed, their faces concealed. I rested my chin on my knees and listened. The rest of the Meeting eluded me, because I fell asleep in my dark corner.
The guard who came to light the Primus for tea woke me. Too bad I fell asleep. I was told that there never was such a beautiful and profound Meeting.
Dori
Daddy brings me a pair of slippers from the city. The same blue slippers with a zipper on the side and white fur on top but new.
Because last week he noticed my slippers in the Children’s House. He looked at them and said angrily are these your slippers? He was disgusted that they were falling apart. I don’t know why. I like falling-apart slippers.
As soon as he leaves everyone decides to hate me. It’s my turn to be hated. Every child gets a turn it seems.
When it was Skye we all sang—
Hanan and Elsa went out to the field
Hanan was the shepherd and Elsa the sheep
Meh meh meh meh meh meh
Meh meh meh meh meh meh
It’s supposed to be Hanan and Aliza but we changed it because Skye’s parents are called Hanan and Elsa. Skye acted like she didn’t care. I don’t know if she was pretending or if she really didn’t care.
Now everyone sings—
The sun is shining gold and red
Naftali has a big bald head
instead of—
The sun is shining gold and red
And plum trees blossom overhead
but it doesn’t hurt me because there’s nothing wrong with being bald. Being hated hurts me but not the song about Daddy. Even being hated isn’t so bad. It’s because of the slippers.
After our shower when I go to put on my new slippers there’s a squished banana inside. They finally hurt me.
Shoshana cleans the banana out with a rag and tells us to get into bed.
I didn’t even want new slippers.
Late Night Confessions
“By age eleven we were so wild and out of control that it became a game with us, seeing how long it would take for our latest Minder to lose it. We celebrated when we finally succeeded. We drove one Minder after another to a nervous breakdown.”
—Yair Miron
Dori
It’s getting cold at night. We have grey blankets to keep us warm.
Mummy comes to kiss me goodnight. I tell her about the banana in my slipper and she says I’m sorry as if it’s her fault.
She does that a lot. On the ship there was a storm and we all began to throw up. It was the fault of the waves but Mummy kept saying I’m sorry.
Another time it really was her fault but it was a mistake. I had a cold and Mummy put medicine from a blue jar on my chest. But she didn’t know the medicines in Canada and she put too much and my chest began to burn as if I had a fire in there. I kept yelling water water and she kept running to bring me more water saying I’m sorry I’m sorry but it was a mistake.
Just before Sara was born Mummy burnt both her hands. She forgot a pot was hot and she put her hands around it. The doctor gave her cream that looked like throw-up and she lay in bed with the cream on her hands and a blue lamp on her leg. My brother David pinched his nose and said ugh that looks like throw-up. He ran into Mummy’s bedroom from the door on one side of her bed and out the door on the other side of her bed saying ugh ugh and pinching his nose. It was funny so I began running too saying ugh ugh and pinching my nose and then we both ran in circles around Mummy’s bed laughing and pinching our nose and Mummy laughed too. Finally Daddy told us to stop because Mummy had to rest.
There was a rainstorm when Mummy went to the hospital to have Sara. Daddy had to hold the umbrella for Mummy so she could get to the taxi without getting wet but the wind ruined the umbrella. I saw it all from the living-room window. So I wasn’t surprised when they brought the baby back from the hospital and said her name was Sara.52
Our First Year
17 August 1949. Our Arab agricultural advisor from Kitlish was here today, looking over our vines and advising us when and how to harvest.
Dori
Shoshana says we have to line up for a teaspoon of cod liver oil and then we’ll get a candy.
We don’t want to line up. We have a bad feeling about this cod liver oil.
When my turn comes I can’t even believe that anything so horrible exists in this world. I feel I’m going to throw up but I grab the candy and put it in my mouth.
The candy doesn’t help Elan. He swallows the cod liver oil and right away he throws up. Shoshana gets mad and makes him take it again and he throws up again.
Now Shoshana’s really angry. She gives it to him a third time. He still throws up. There’s less throw-up this time because there isn’t a lot left in his stomach.
I feel bad for Elan. Very bad. But Shoshana hates him. She hates all of us but she hates him the most.
Shoshana says we have to have cod liver oil every day now. I don’t understand it. Eldar is supposed to be nice to children.
Thy Neck with Chains of Gold
RIVKA
Ricky doesn’t believe in my Polish cousin.
MICHAEL
Do you care what Ricky thinks?
RIVKA
He said people are talking.
MICHAEL
Is that why you didn’t come into town this week?
RIVKA
No. I wasn’t able to get a day off. (She breaks away from
him) Michael, I’m pregnant. Michael—let’s get out of
here. We’ll go away—back to America—and we’ll be
together, in the open. No more hiding.
MICHAEL
You’re not serious? Look, Rivka, I’ve no intention of
ever going back.
RIVKA
It’s not so bad there. You had bad luck—but now it’ll
change.
MICHAEL
If it’s so great there, why did you leave?
RIVKA
I … believed.
MICHAEL
I believed too.
RIVKA
I grew up with Israel on my lips. But maybe now we’ve
done our duty. They can get along without us. No one
is indispensable.
MICHAEL
I fought for this country and now that it’s ours I won’t
leave it. It’s also mine, you understand—mine. And
I’m going to die here, Rivka. (Pause) The other day
I climbed the mountain and picked the spot where
they’ll bury me. I planted four little trees to shade my
grave. They need time to grow. I have to stick around.