The Carrero Heart_Beginning_Arrick and Sophie

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘Oh my god, you found her. Sophie, we have been so worried about you.’ She rushes forward and gives me the smallest of awkward hugs that just makes my skin crawl. I stand stiffly, endure it and don’t reciprocate, glad when she lets me go. The thing with Natasha is, that despite how much I hate her, and always make it pretty obvious, she always seems to act like she cares. I have never been able to figure out if it’s an act for Arrick’s benefit, or she really is genuine. Either way, I think it makes her weird, kind of sad really.

  Standing back shyly, she regards me with an open face and wide eyes that give her an air of wounded animal, and I can’t help but feel a tiny tug of guilt. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much she loves him; I would have to be inhuman not to feel something for her right now. She looks so lost.

  ‘I love your hair, you look so grown up.’

  So, with one little comment, I take it all back and eyeroll, irritated that she always has to point out my age in any way she can. Has always treated me like a five-year-old sibling whom she had to step mother at every opportunity, and right now it would earn her a boot in the teeth with the mood I am harbouring.

  ‘Yeah, cos I’m like only four years younger than you, Natasha.’ I shake my head, moving past the girl who is two inches shorter than me, she’s wearing a floral dress that makes her look more youthful than me in this moment, and could really use a belt to cinch the waist and some baby blue pumps instead of the ugly black heeled things adorning her feet. She has never had any real sense of style with her clothes, and it just adds to that hopeless little puppy lost act that is no longer endearing me, instead just making me feel more suffocated.

  I catch a glimpse from the corner of my eye of the girl moving to Arrick and throwing a hug on him. He embraces her for a second then moves out of her arms and saunters off into the spare room, to throw my bag in. For a broken-up couple, who have been fighting, I can see no evidence of anything different between them. Same aloof behaviour as the past two years of their relationship, and I wonder at what they are actually like in the bedroom if they are like this in life, then immediately shake that thought away as repulsive. I don’t want to think about him with anyone in any bedroom, now, then, or ever.

  ‘Your family will be so relieved, have you called them?’ Natasha is back behind me in the open plan kitchen as she fills a glass of water, I resist the urge to tell her to back off as she turns gracefully and just smile emptily at her; putting on my fake nice mask and hoping to god she has no intention of staying here for long. I have so much pent up angst right now, misfiring on all my cylinders, that I cannot actually trust myself to not lose my shit.

  ‘I’m sure Jake has probably done the rounds on my behalf.’ I answer flatly.

  She turns back to what she is doing, moving to the ice maker on the refrigerator and topping up her drink noisily.

  ‘It’s never good to be out alone in this city when you’re female, Sophie. I know you’re a head strong and feisty girl, but anything could have happened to you. You really need to be more careful. People love you and just want you home and safe.’ Natasha actually seems to have the nerve to try and lecture me, even if she is delivering it with a soft wispy voice and fake adoring eyes. I never understood why she even bothers to act like she likes me. It’s pathetic.

  ‘Yeah, thanks for the advice.’ I reply emptily. Annoyed with the thousands of emotions running through me, concerning her right now. My hatred is wavering as all I can think of is the fact that she has no clue about what is even going on in her boyfriend’s head. For a moment, I feel mad at him that he hasn’t told her yet, but I also get it. He does love her, he knows how much it will hurt her, and more than likely make her question not only theirs, but our entire relationship. It’s messy, complicated and will only hurt her, no matter how he sugar coats it.

  ‘I think she’s tired Tash, she needs some shut eye and space before we sit down and talk this out. Do you want me to take you home?’ Arrick reappears to the side of us, leaning against the door jamb from the room I used to use frequently. He looks uneasy and just so unlike his normally solid and cool self. It’s the first time I notice how tired he is, and the shadow of stubble hinting around his jawline that he’s not his usual, perfectly manicured self, today. Maybe these are the subtle hints of a relationship torn apart. I expected to see more to be honest. But then again, it’s Arrick, and obvious emotion is not his forte.

  Natasha hesitates, I see her pause mid movement as her hand tenses on the glass she is laying down on the counter. That flicker of heartbreak on her face, and then it’s returned to unaffected mask.

  ‘Yes, I have work early, so I’ll be better at home tonight, to give you two space.’ It’s clear she doesn’t want to leave.

  ‘Come on, I’ll take you now, while Sophie gets settled. Give her some space.’ His eyes flicker to mine, a guarded look that I have no energy to even try and decipher and just shrug. If it’s a warning not to run, then it’s pointless. I have nowhere to go and as he has commandeered my cell, no one to even call anyway.

  ‘I’m going to use the bathroom in your room, I want a bubble bath and mine has only a shower.’ I respond blandly, averting my gaze to the girl who has started to ready herself to leave. Watching her move around slowly, delaying the moment maybe, and just feel agitated, and so very tired.

  Leaving them to do whatever it is they are going to do, I turn and head towards his room, after getting no objection. He moves from his standing space and walks across the lounge too, so we sort of pass right by one another in the centre, by the coffee table. His arm grazes mine and makes it tingle crazily, that soft sweeping of limbs unintentionally. He tilts his head towards me with a heavy look, something in it that makes me feel instantly breathless. It’s like a heavy, new tone to whatever is between us. I glance at Natasha guiltily, an instinctual reaction and see nothing to suggest she even notices.

  ‘I won’t be long. Then we can talk.’ He says it softly, his eyes move to my mouth and back again to my eyes, he swallows a little heavily and then moves off at a faster jaunt. I don’t bother to look back and see him guide her out. I just carry on, throwing off the internal butterflies and push the door open to his room, trying to ignore whatever that was, and not dwell on anything from the past hour of my life right now. My head is going to self-implode if I do.

  Chapter 15

  I feel more relaxed after my bath, warm and lazy, from the hot soak and wrapped in a fluffy robe, carrying my clothes. I leave his room and make to head back towards my room for tonight, my head full of things I want to say to him and lost in how I am going to convince him that going home is not what’s best for me anymore. I have managed to push all the other stuff aside, boxed it in a ‘we will evaluate later’ area of my overly crowded brain. I need to prioritise not going home first.

  I jump when his voice comes from right behind me.

  ‘It’s late, maybe we should go to bed, and talk over breakfast.’

  I spin on him, seeing him dump his car keys on the table and haul off his top to reveal a t-shirt moulded to that hunky frame, tattoos peeking at the neckline and the sleeve down one arm that makes his muscles look a little too enticing. I look away, clear my throat, shocked at how differently my insides react to this familiar sight.

  ‘I guess.’ I hesitate, not sure if I should make a stand and make it clear tonight, that he has no chance of making me go home, or if I should let him sleep, become more amenable to what I want, after some rest. He looks exhausted. There is just so much to talk about, so much mess to pick through and really, I have no clue where to even start.

  ‘I called my brother and told him you were here. He is going around to see your parents and let them know you’re with me.’ Arrick walks to the kitchen, looking over his shoulder at me, eyes meeting and sending another bout of strange tingles through my stomach. He just seems so different right now, maybe it’s the stubble shadow and how messy his hair is, or the way he’s casually wrinkled and about a million times differe
nt from how he normally looks. I can’t even begin to dissect why this just feels completely different, why to me, right now, he looks completely different. The air between us just feels completely alien.

  ‘I meant what I said. I don’t want to go back to the Hamptons just yet. I need to figure my life out Arry, and I just don’t mean over us. I need something more. I won’t find it back there.’ I answer calmly, feeling more grounded after the head space of the bath. Feeling calmer and more in control as things filter through. Arrick is by the coffee machine now, he lifts out two mugs from the cupboard over his head, implying, even though he has said we should go to bed, that maybe he is open for discussion now after all. I sigh and tighten my robe, not sure if I am even up to this right now. I’m feeling exhausted too, so much emotional bullshit lately and I am not equipped for any of it tonight.

  ‘You mean a job? You never acted like you wanted one before.’ He goes about making the coffee with creamer, moving around the modern black and slate high gloss kitchen easily.

  ‘I mean, maybe a job, I was thinking maybe school or something.’ It’s weird after the conversation in the hall back at the other apartment, to now be talking so platonically and normally as though nothing has happened at all. Even though I don’t feel like this is nothing between us, right now, on the surface, it’s still same old Soph’s and Arry, talking about life. Arrick regards me thoughtfully as he carries our mugs to the lounge area and lays them on the low rustic table, he slides down on the couch, motioning for me to do the same then sits back, his calm gaze settling on mine. I tighten the robe further, using it as security around me and make way to sit on the couch beside him, keeping a three feet gap between us on the long chair. He watches me, then leans forward and slides one of the mugs further along so I can reach it, wordlessly, trying not to acknowledge my chosen distance; settling back to turn more to his side and lifting a leg onto the couch, so he can angle towards me, facing me.

  ‘Okay.…... Any ideas what you want to do?’ Arrick is in mature mode, so many times in my past he’s taken on this maternal role and been my sounding board for hopes and dreams, I couldn’t love him anymore right now if I tried. If only I wasn’t also still pissed at him for abducting me aggressively from Camilla’s friend’s apartment. He’s making it clear he’s going to hear me out, not just do a Jake and order me home, like he said he was going to do; and I have a chance of making him listen to me. Get him on my side and maybe convince everyone else that I need this.

  ‘I don’t know, I was thinking something in fashion maybe. I like clothes and I think I would like to learn how to design and make them. I think it would make me happy.’ I say it feebly, unsure if he’s going to laugh at my suggestion, and the truth is, it isn’t just a weak idea or vague possibility like I’m implying. I have actually located a couple in the state and downloaded applications already. I’m serious about this. I want this more than anything and the bubble of excitement that hit me when I made the decision, that I wanted to go, is like a little candle flame in the dark. I don’t want him to snub it out.

  ‘There’s a design school here in New York. Carrero Corp sometimes uses the students to do the campaign clothes for the grooming lines. We’re investors in the school……. You always did like sewing and customising your outfits I guess, so maybe it’s worth looking at.’ Arrick slides forward, catching his mug and takes it back with him to sit and sip. His eyes never leaving mine. My heart soars a little with his response, a little tingle of adoration that he has always supported me, in every way.

  ‘I just never figured you were really interested in anything like that as more than a hobby.’ He shrugs with one shoulder, highlighting its crazy width and I have to avert my gaze from the sudden rounded muscular mannerism that has me pressing my knees together. I have no idea what that reaction even is.

  ‘I’ve always liked clothes, always wished I could sew my own designs. I guess life just had a way of getting in the way, and I thought people would think it a stupid career to follow.’ I never told him that my parents rejected it years ago, I felt embarrassed that it was just a childish dream. He knew I had thought of pursuing it back then, of course, he just assumed I lost interest.

  Arrick sighs heavily, watching me with that closed off expression, where I can never tell how he’s going to react.

  ‘Is this a serious thing, or a spur of the moment thing, Soph’s? Because if you’re serious, you know I’ll do whatever you need to get this going, even find you a place to stay close by, if it’s what you really want. If you really are committed to turning things around and going down this route, then I’m not going to stand in your way.’ He’s watching me, scrutinising me closely for any signs that this isn’t serious, that I am not sure. I have had hours and hours to think about this, days, weeks, even, and I know it’s what I want. What I need in my life. That sense of purpose.

  ‘I want it Arry, I want something that’s for me and a focus on a future that’s more than just this.’ I throw my hands up at the grand surroundings, knowing with my family’s money I never really need to work. I can exist my whole life as a pampered brat with an allowance to get by, without ever feeling the sting of poverty, but maybe that’s where my sense of free falling constantly comes in.

  ‘I feel like I have no purpose, no life goals.’

  Arrick sits forward, discarding his mug this time and rests his elbows on his knees as he thinks this through, the frown on his face indicating he is weighing things up and trying to figure out the best way to help me. To figure out what is best for me. I know he’s internally juggling my families wish to have me home, with my own wish to start taking my life into my own hands.

  ‘We see Jake tomorrow and we talk more about this then Sophie. As your God father, he is going to want to have major input; if you want to do this then you have to make some promises to your family. Promises to me. There has to be ground rules if they are going to relax and trust me to look after you in this way.’ He is in no nonsense business mode, that determined look on his face that he is really considering this for me. I can’t help the small smile that starts spreading across my face, knowing he might actually help make this a reality, if I can prove it’s what I really want.

  ‘Shoot.’ I curl my legs under me and sit leaning nearer him. Aware his eyes travel down my throat and then away again fast, I look down, realising my robe has opened enough to give more than a little cleavage, and hurry to do it back up. I catch his frown, the way he averts his eyes and sighs heavily. I feel a little prod of warmth run through me that maybe I am affecting him differently too, that this weird, new appraisal of how he looks, how attractive he actually is to me, isn’t a one-way thing.

  ‘I’m back in your life. The stuff with us gets put on hold for a while, we ignore it, it’s not the priority right now. I find you an apartment and we enrol you in school for the new semester, and in the meantime, you stay here where I can keep an eye on you and keep you out of trouble. If you want to stay in the city while things get sorted, then you’re staying with me. You keep your family involved and you tell them everything. You go home after we see Jake and you see them, with me, to explain all of this, and take whatever drama comes your way with no attitude or skipping town in reaction… Own your mistakes, face up to this like the grown up that you keep claiming you are…. Lastly, no partying, no going out with assholes and putting yourself in crazy situations anymore Sophie. You want to prove you’re capable of doing this, then you keep your head down and focus on school and getting things sorted. If you want to go out, then I go too. You come with me and my friends if you need to let off steam, and you listen to me when I say enough is enough.’ He is deadly serious. Sounding a little control freak a la Jake right now, but I understand his reasons. I understand why he sees this is how it has to be done, not just for my sake, and his, but for my family.

  I squirm in my seat, that stubborn part of me that wants to yell that I am an adult, and capable of running my own life, so desperately wants to pip up, but
I hold her down. He is thinking about everyone, not just me. I need to trust that he always steers me right, he always has and always at the root of what he chooses for me, is his genuine care about me.

  ‘Okay, so? Say I say yes to all of the above? …..What about Natasha? She stays here most of the time. Do you really think I can sleep through here, with you two through there, doing ….?’ I falter, knowing that this is the best offer I am going to get, but yet still. I don’t want to deal with Arrick and her while I am here. Not now that I know how complex this really is between us, and how I still feel about him.

  ‘We’re not sleeping together anymore. I told you… We broke up. As of right now, she’s here when she wants to talk and nothing more. I owe her that, and I don’t know what’s going to happen with her anytime soon. Nothing while you are here. I’m not that much of an asshole. Nothing will happen either way while we are under the same roof, and I’m responsible for you.’ Loud and clear. Mr Cool and Mature, he’s saying that even if he wants me, he won’t go there while he’s entrusted as my guardian. Typical Arrick.

  ‘What reason did you give her for the break up?’ I chew on my lip, insides clenching with anxiety, watching the blank expression on his face as he goes back to reaching for his mug and toying with it. Curious as to what she actually thinks is happening with them, she seemed so normal earlier.

  ‘Partial truths. What I felt she could handle. That I don’t know how I feel about her and I, anymore, that I don’t know if I love her in the way I should, and that I’m confused, and need space. I don’t know what else to tell her and I didn’t see the point of hurting her more, by telling her that my feelings are maybe invested elsewhere, it would have killed her.’ He looks pained, guilt crossing his face and I at least have the good grace to feel the same. As much as I hate the other girl, I can’t help but feel something for her. I know she loves him to death, worships the ground he walks on and she really did think he was her forever. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have all of him, and then feel yourself losing him and not being able to do anything about it…. Or maybe I do.