by Mia Kayla
When I’d confronted Jimmy about her during one of our morning chats, he’d told me nothing other than repeating his mantra about how he didn’t get serious with anyone. And if perchance, hell did happen to freeze over and he found himself getting serious with Little Miss Swimsuit, then he’d let me know.
He never pictured a relationship in his future. His tainted childhood had screwed his views on that aspect of his life, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he was finally with someone.
That night, I’d decided I couldn’t depend on him as much as I did even though I didn’t know any other way to live. Still, I knew I had to try to distance myself and think things through. I needed space to evaluate things between us. So far, my plan was not working too well.
“Boo?” His voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
I let it all out in one breath. “I’m looking into an internship at a law firm there. It was only a day trip. I didn’t want to bother you.” I blankly stared at the TV, not wanting to make eye contact because he’d know I was lying. But it was the most believable fib because I had been immersing myself in my studies.
“What the hell would be more important than seeing you?” he insisted, his tone turning harsh. “I’d drop whatever I was doing. You know that.”
“I don’t know, Jimmy,” I said, throwing up my hands.
I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I hated lying to him, but it was easier than telling him the truth.
I swung my knees over the side of the bed and stood. “You have a life. I have a life. Geez, I didn’t call you. Get over it.”
Maybe if I sounded annoyed, he’d stop even though I knew no excuse was good enough. If he had come to Chicago and hadn’t seen me, I’d be equally pissed.
Avoiding this conversation like the plague, I walked to the bathroom to pee.
In the bathroom, I could sense him standing by the door, but he didn’t peer in.
“I’m sorry, okay?”
He sounded meek even though I still sensed the hurt in his voice.
“I’ve been wracking my brain, replaying our last conversation in my head, thinking I said something the last time we talked.”
The sadness in his voice zinged me in the heart, initiating a tightness in my chest that spread to my limbs.
“Whatever I did, I wish you’d just let me know,” he said softly.
After I flushed the toilet, he stepped into the bathroom.
His light scent flooded my senses, and it took all my energy and my self-control not to turn around, wrap my hands around him, and press my lips against his as I’d pictured in my head many times before.
He stood a whole head taller than me, and I felt a fluttering in my chest as we just stared at each other. The same familiar mild pain appeared every time he’d lock eyes with mine.
The stark differences between us were noticeably illuminated by the florescent bathroom light—his brown eyes to my blue, his sandy-brown hair to my light blonde, his unbelievable hotness to my plain self. I sighed inwardly and averted my eyes, the pitter patter in my chest increasing. I didn’t want him to see the yearning in my eyes, which was present every time he was in the vicinity.
I had never wanted anything so badly as I wanted him, and it made my insides hurt to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t help feeling the way I did. I had tried to stop it, but somewhere along the way, I had fallen for my best friend. There was nothing I could do about it now but keep these feelings inside. I didn’t want to ruin what we had, the friendship that we had built over the years. I knew one small touch or one excess word would ruin everything because he’d never feel the same way I felt for him.
“You didn’t do anything, Jimmy,” I assured him, looking down at my hands clenched around the edge of the sink. “I didn’t want to tell you because I wanted to surprise you. I was thinking maybe I could be your roommate next summer if I got the internship at Bates and McKenry.”
I turned the water on and started washing my hands, focusing on the white suds forming as I rubbed my hands together. I averted my eyes. He knew me so well that he’d be able to read the lie on my face.
But when I glanced up, a dimple was set deep in his cheek. “That would be a nice surprise,” he said, resting against the frame of the bathroom door.
I flicked the water dripping from my hands in his direction. “So calm down, all right?” I dried my hands, walked back toward my bed, and pulled the covers over my bare knees and my shorts.
“I just miss you, Boo,” he said matter-of-factly.
He turned around and gripped the back of his shirt. I watched him lift it above his head as he’d done a hundred times before, only I had started drooling around the thirtieth time.
I sighed at his fine self that would soon be sleeping next to me. I wanted to throw back the covers, pat the open spot right next to me, and give him a wink, but I knew full well that would not happen.
The defined muscles of his back moved as he folded his shirt and placed it next to my laptop on the side table. When he turned around to join me in bed, I closed my eyes and faked a yawn.
Inside, my heart raced so fast that I thought it might burst out of my chest. It was torture being this close to him, still I wanted to be closer. I wanted to preserve my sanity, yet I yearned for him to press his skin against mine and wrap his arms around me.
Only in my dreams.
He hadn’t always been this big and buff. I remembered when he was the scrawniest teenager. Then, one day, he had sprouted and grown some muscles. His boyish face had changed into a man, and before I’d known it, I was in love.
“So, I’ve got a roommate next summer,” he said with excitement as the bed dipped under his weight. “Sweet.”
My eyes popped open, and I steadied my breathing, concentrating only on his face. “That’s not for sure. It’s a long shot.” It was a real long shot since I hadn’t applied. “Plus, what if you have a roommate by then?”
He shoved his legs under the covers. “I’m not getting a roommate.”
“Well, what if you have a girlfriend?” I couldn’t help but feel an ache in my chest at the thought of him getting serious with someone even though he didn’t have any plans for it in his future.
But then, hadn’t he promised me he’d tell me?
“Pfft. Girlfriend? Please. No one can tame this beast,” he joked, pounding his chest with his fist.
My eyes briefly locked on his pecs before returning to his face. “There’s no one serious?” My voice fluttered as fast as my heartbeat that was beating like a drum against the cages of my chest.
A disheartened look passed across his face, his joking side no longer present. Suddenly, his lips turned down, his carefree self gone. He rested his head against the pillow, placing one hand behind his head. “Nope. Relationships are just not in the cards for me.”
My eyes automatically moved to his bicep, and all I wanted to do was tighten my hand around it and squeeze to see if it was as firm as I knew it would be. Or maybe I could throw a rock at it to see if it bounced back. Better yet, I could just lick it because that would be sexier. But best friends didn’t go around licking each other’s biceps.
I cleared my throat, hoping it would do something for my head. I had to stop ogling him. “I saw you with that girl sitting on your lap at the club last night.” I couldn’t hide the jealous witch emerging to the surface.
He shifted uncomfortably in his spot, rubbing the top of his head with his palm and facing the Marine movie we clearly weren’t watching. “I just met her.”
“I saw her tongue down your throat. You were pretty comfortable around a chick you just met.” I hoped he couldn’t hear the bitterness in my tone.
He moved to a sitting position, looking edgy, as he pushed the comforter to the side and swung his legs off the bed. “I’m gonna get water. Want some?”
I let out a low breath, watching his muscles moving on his perfectly sculpted back as he left the room.
But I wouldn’t let h
im get away that easily. “You didn’t answer my question,” I called after him, staring at my bedroom door.
“Yeah, that was on purpose,” he called back.
I heard cabinets in my kitchen banging closed, and then the sink faucet was running.
“I had a little too much to drink. So, yeah, liquor tends to loosen me up.” He paused and then added, “You know, I don’t like talking about this stuff with you. Drop it, okay?”
I frowned at my wall and crossed my arms over my chest, pouting like a little baby.
What the hell?
Jimmy and I had always talked about everything under the sun—everything but his dating life. He never shared it with me, and it wasn’t like I could share. My love life consisted of books and mapping the stars. The amount of dates I’d gone on in my whole twenty-two years could be counted on my fingers—on one hand.
When he got back into bed, I propped my head up with my hand. “So, you like blondes now?” I said, attempting a playful tone. I didn’t usually pick this topic, but for once, I was enjoying making this big, beefy manly man uncomfortable.
He whacked me with his pillow, hitting me on the head, and I laughed.
“The only blonde I care about is this one.”
He tugged at the ends of my hair, and my insides warmed.
He turned to his side, his back facing me. “Go to sleep, Boo.” He grabbed the remote, switched off the TV, and turned off the bedside lamp beside him.
I doubted I would get any sleep tonight, knowing he was sleeping half-naked beside me. But I’d better. Otherwise, when he turned over in the early morning, he’d be scared out of his mind to find his best friend eyeing him like a stalker.
“Night, Jimmy,” I said softly. Every nerve in my body yearned to be closer, my hands itching to outline the defined muscles of his back.
With an inward groan, I flipped to face the ceiling until Jimmy fell asleep, and my mind flickered to the time when my feelings for him had changed.
Past—Senior Year High School
WHEN JIMMY HAD ASKED ME to prom, I’d denied him—not once, not twice, but ten times.
Then, a month before prom, he came over with a box of pizza and plopped it on the coffee table in front of my living room TV. I bounced in excitement for movie and pizza night…until I flipped open the box to see the word prom and a question mark in pepperoni.
I laughed out loud, thinking of the dumb ways seniors would ask their dates to prom. But when I saw the hurt look on his face, I composed myself.
“Boo, I’m serious.” He glanced down at the floor as his eyebrows pulled together. “Will you go to prom with me? Please.” He acted as if that one word would make me realize that he was absolutely serious, superseding all those other times he’d asked me.
His question did funny things to me. I felt a fluttering in my stomach and a lightness in my chest. I shied away, worried the weird things going on inside me would show on my face.
If prom consisted of only Jimmy and me, the answer would be a definite yes. But over five hundred other seniors would be there.
Me and crowds? Don’t think so.
I glanced over at his puppy dog look for a split second before pulling out a piece of pizza from the box. “No.” I reached over for a paper towel before placing my pizza on top of it. The grease instantly soaked through it, probably soiling the wood of the table. I needed to clean that spot thoroughly, so Mother wouldn’t lecture me on the importance of a clean house.
“Why not?” he asked incredulously.
Why did he think I would go in the first place? He knew me.
“’Cause I don’t go to those type of things, Jimmy.”
“You’ve never been to a single dance,” he argued, “not one function at school.”
“Lies,” I muttered. “I go to football games.” It was such a weak answer, but he would just have to deal with it. I took a bite of the pepperoni pizza, savoring the grease in my mouth, as I pressed fast-forward on the remote, wading through the movie previews.
“That doesn’t even count.” His eyes narrowed. “You know what I mean.”
I sighed outwardly as I turned to him, already tired of the round and round conversation of prom that never ended. “You have all of Deerfield’s finest women waiting for you to ask them. Go ask someone who wants to go.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back. I still didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want him to take anyone else either.
He took my pizza from my hands before I could go in for another bite. “Because I want to take you.” He firmly met my eyes, the intensity of his stare telling me how much he wanted me to go. His look alone made my heart pitter-patter in the chambers of my chest.
Feeling the silence building in the air, I snatched the pizza back from his hands and took another bite.
“Boo, this is prom,” he pleaded with me. Then, his tone softened as he added, “I know you haven’t been to any high school functions, but I want you to go to this one. You only get to do high school once, and you haven’t had any fun so far.”
“I’ve had lots of fun,” I argued. I still didn’t understand why this was so important to him. His definition and my definition of fun were on opposite spectrums of the universe.
He gave me a dubious look. “Dude, besides studying, I don’t think you even like high school.”
He scooted over to me, our knees touching, and a jolt of energy spread from where we were connected to the rest of my body, causing goose bumps to prickle my skin.
“We’re young. We only live once, and I don’t want you to miss out.”
I shook my head because he didn’t understand. “You’re the only one who thinks I’m missing out. I wouldn’t even have a good time.” I could almost guarantee I wouldn’t enjoy prom.
Hanging out with a bunch of dolled-up girls who had barely said a word to me these past four years and dancing to music I didn’t even listen to did not constitute as enjoyable in my book. That was more defined as pain.
He bumped his shoulder to mine, his dimples popping with an adorable grin. “And that’s why you have me. I get the party started.” He gave me another shoulder nudge. “Come on. You know we have a good time together. I guarantee you’ll enjoy yourself.” He ducked his head to look into my eyes. “Pretty, pretty, please. This could be my graduation present. Come on, Boo.”
My breath caught as I drowned in his warm chocolate eyes. I swore, when he gave me that look, I could never say no. It was impossible. The air was charged with energy tonight, something electric. Our eyes locked, and Jimmy gave me a hopeful grin.
Jimmy used to be just there—my best friend, the guy I’d grown up with. Lately, he was suddenly everywhere. When we were together, he morphed as if he took up the whole room, filling all my senses. My body became hyperaware of his every move. His voice seemed amplified when he spoke. When we were not together, Jimmy occupied my thoughts. It was all so confusing and irritating and other things I couldn’t name.
He placed his hands together as if he were saying a prayer. “Please?” he begged one last time.
I took in his goofy smile, and after a beat, I nodded.
“Fine,” I grumbled. After the look he’d just given me, I was a goner.
“Cool.” He smiled as though he’d just won the lotto. Then, he grabbed my pizza again, took a bite, and leaned back against the couch as our movie began to play.
As I sat there, I found myself wishing I were a real girl, that he had asked me because he liked me in the way I had started to feel about him—not because I wasn’t having enough high school fun.
“I knew you couldn’t resist my charm,” he teased.
“Yeah. Whatever,” I said dryly even though he’d guessed it spot-on. “Hey, get your own piece.” I swatted his chest just so I could touch him which caused my pulse to quicken.
I reached to get my pizza back, but he stuffed the whole piece in his mouth and chuckled.
“Hey,” I whined, pulling out two slices from the box
before throwing a new piece at him. When it landed on his chest, we laughed together.
I scooted over until our shoulders touched, and I snuggled a little closer, hoping he wouldn’t notice. It was starting to feel like torture, being this close, as everything in my body went haywire.
I sighed softly, thinking things had been much easier when Jimmy was just there.
On prom day, I let out a low breath as my wide blue eyes stared back at me from the mirror. I hardly recognized myself. A touch of blush accented my cheeks, and my lips were a light pink, glistening with gloss. Mascara darkened and lengthened my already long eyelashes.
I noticed a stark difference between the girl in the mirror with her light-blonde curls flowing down her back and the bun-wearing, barefaced normal me.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think the girl in the mirror wasn’t pretty. She just wasn’t me.
“Bliss, honey, you look beautiful,” my mom breathed, standing in the bathroom doorway.
I smiled at her, my older spitting image, through the mirror. My father stood beside her and let out a low whistle, only making the nervous fluttering in my stomach intensify. Their reaction did nothing to calm my nerves. They’d think I looked beautiful in a brown bag.
“Thanks,” I muttered, assessing my halter-top blue satin dress. I held the satin by my waist, enjoying the feel of the soft material between my fingers. I couldn’t remember the last time I had worn something so fancy.
Dad approached me from behind. “I think it’s missing a little something.” He held out a thin white gold necklace with a diamond solitaire dangling from the end.
I gasped, excitedly moving my hair to the side, as he placed it on me and clasped it.
“Dad…it’s so beautiful.” My eyes focused on the precious stone that sparkled at me through the mirror.
“It’s yours now,” he said, touching my shoulder. “It was your grandmother’s.” His warm caramel eyes met mine. A softness oozed out of his voice, a nostalgia that I’d never sensed before. “I wish your grandparents were here to see you, to see the woman you’ve become. They’d be so proud.”
I brushed my fingertips against the diamond and blinked away the tiny tears that had gathered at the corners of my eyes. There wasn’t a day my father hadn’t been proud of me. My mother had always been the strict one, the disciplinarian. My father was the big softy, always wanting me to be happy and spoiling me every chance he got. I would forever be a Daddy’s girl.