by Mia Kayla
Present Day
The elevator pinged, breaking me from my thoughts. I stepped out onto the commercial gray carpet, my eyes focusing on the dark stain on the floor. I reached into my purse, listening for the jingle of my keys. When I couldn’t feel the cold metal against my fingers, I propped my oversized purse on my hip and dug until I reached the bottom.
After turning the corner, I stopped. Jimmy was sitting on the floor, right beside my door, resting his elbows on his knees. My heart pitter-pattered in my chest, and in that instant, I knew there was no comparison between the way I’d felt kissing Evan and the way I’d felt just seeing Jimmy sitting there by my front door. Where Evan made my heart skip a beat, Jimmy made my heart skip three, four, five beats. Jimmy made my heart stammer so fast that it was like a whole band of drums were beating against my ribs.
When he noticed me, he pushed up from the floor. “Hey,” he said, his voice rough. His baseball cap was drawn low. “I didn’t want to walk in uninvited.”
Of course he had his own set of keys.
He looked a little sheepish as he approached, and I realized I was still standing there, completely motionless, in my hallway.
I cocked my head to the side, wondering why he was here. Slowly, realization settled in my skin. “Please tell me you didn’t just leave New York because of my date with Evan.”
“Do you want me to lie?” he asked, clenching his jaw.
There was a tightness in his expression that pissed me off. This was getting out of hand.
I shook my head, pushed past him, and unlocked my door. “You’re ridiculous, Jimmy,” I snapped, walking inside and stepping out of my heels.
He caught the door and stomped in behind me. “Ridiculous would be not listening to your best friend. Ridiculous would be ignoring his advice about some douche bag. Ridiculous would be going on a date with an asshole who’s purposely trying to piss me off and using you to do it!” He pounded one giant fist against the wall as if proving his point.
I dropped my keys on the counter. “So, Evan is only dating me to get to you?”
“He hates me, Bliss,” he said. “Absolutely loathes me. He hated me in third grade when Coach picked me as QB and dropped him to second-string. He hated me when Carol Murphy dumped his ass to be with me when I never gave her any indication that I was even interested. He’s hated me for years. He hates me today, and I wouldn’t care normally, but he’s using you to get to me.” He ran an angry hand through his hair. “And you know what?” he huffed. “It’s fucking working!” He dropped his hands to his sides, flexing his muscles, as his jaw tensed.
He was the first to break eye contact as he paced away, trying to keep his temper at bay. I could see the veins in his forearms popping out as he ran his hand over his forehead and back to the base of his neck.
I shook my head, letting out a frustrated sigh.
Why is it so difficult for him to see that maybe Evan is interested in a girl like me?
I couldn’t believe Evan was using me just to get to Jimmy. For Jimmy to even think that, to think that I wasn’t cute enough or remotely interesting enough to keep Evan’s interest, had me seeing red.
“So, I’m not hot enough for someone like Evan?” I yelled, making Jimmy flinch. I stomped toward him until we were only a foot apart. I wanted him to feel my annoyance and rage.
“That’s not what I meant, Boo.” His tone softened, which pissed me off even more.
It was ridiculous that he could go crazy-psycho friend on me and dictate what I could do with my life, but when I pushed back, he couldn’t take it.
“It came out of your mouth, Jimmy,” I snapped, feeling my temperature rising.
He searched my face, most of his rage being replaced with sadness. Whenever I got pissed, why would he back down?
I crossed my arms in front of me, my insides warming with irritation.
He took a step forward as though he wanted to touch me. “I’m supposed to be concentrating on the game, seeing it through. This whole team is depending on me, Boo. They’re counting on me to take them all the way. I need my head in the game, on that field. I don’t want to let them down. I need to be there, all of me.” He leaned in, never breaking eye contact. His fingers twitched at his sides. “But I can’t. I’m physically there, but all of me is here…with you. I’m always thinking about you, worrying about you.”
His big brother attitude would have been cute if I wasn’t so pissed off and hurt. His reactions were irrational. He’d come here, taken a red-eye flight, probably paying a fortune for it, and all for what? Just because he had a grudge that he couldn’t let go.
“You say you want me to live. You want me to go out and have fun. Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’m living my life, so stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself perfectly fine. I have been for a while now.” Finding the strength in my voice, I stood taller and met his eyes firmly.
Jimmy was always my protector—through school, through life, and after my father had passed. But what if the person I needed protecting from was the protector himself? He could no longer serve that purpose in my life, especially if he was the one causing me pain even if it was indirectly.
I had to protect myself and my heart now. “I’m going to date,” I said, feeling tired, the need to argue draining out of me.
I had no say in his dating life. So, why had I ever let him have a say in mine? This madness had to stop. I tipped my chin up higher. “And who I date is none of your concern.”
He shook his head, looking away with new rage, and I wondered if he’d even heard me.
“I’m going to mess him up,” he growled out with finality as though this was all Evan and not me.
I sighed internally and stood there. Did he not understand that I’d agreed to the date? Evan hadn’t dragged me by the hair to go out with him.
He paced away as he tried to keep his temper at bay. I let him have his tantrum and work it out in his head.
When he shifted toward me, he released a heavy sigh. “I can’t concentrate at practice. I haven’t been able to eat like I used to. My mind is not on the game. It’s on you.”
I squared my shoulders. I had to stay strong. “I never asked you to worry about me.”
“But I do,” he insisted, his face pained. “I don’t trust him with you.”
There was something in his eyes, something I couldn’t decipher.
“Why him, Boo?”
“Why not him?” I argued.
This conversation was going nowhere. We were going round and round in a circle like a merry-go-round.
I stalked to the bathroom, and he trailed behind me.
“You only want me to live my life according to your standards for me.”
“That’s not true,” he insisted.
He reached for my arm, but I jerked it back, moving toward the sink.
I tugged out a small dangling gold earring before dropping it in my jewelry box. “Isn’t it?” I reached for the other earring and plopped it in next to its twin. “It’s okay if I date but only if you approve, only if you say okay. How is that fair, Jimmy?”
His expression turned desperate. “Can’t you see that I’m just trying to look out for you?”
“No.” I pushed past him and stomped into my bedroom. I was now thoroughly annoyed.
All I could do was picture Jimmy’s arms around Miss December and how unfair it was for me to watch him live his life, getting heartbroken over and over again. I wondered if he ever truly wanted me to be happy.
“Jimmy, go home. Go back to New York. Do what you’re supposed to do.” As far as I was concerned, this conversation was over. I was done letting Jimmy have this much influence on my life. His actions tonight were beyond over the top.
Jimmy didn’t move. He stayed there, still and silent. Again, I wondered if he’d even heard me or if he’d started muttering angrily about Evan again. I was at wit’s end with this, feeling the anger hit me hard.
I felt the fire in my eyes. “Just go
home. I mean it. I don’t want you here.” My tone turned harsh.
Abruptly, he moved, his jaw working, his face filling with hurt. He tightly clenched his eyes.
Had I gone too far?
The silence stretched on forever as I picked up a few magazines from my bedroom floor. I started to tidy up my dresser just for something to do when I felt him behind me.
“How was your date?” he asked, defeated.
I knew this tactic. He was trying to play normal, make small talk. I’d known this guy for forever and a half. We didn’t do small talk.
I bent down to take off my nylons, using the dresser as support. “You don’t want to know about my date.” I snapped, glaring at him.
He rubbed the back of his neck, huffed, and stalked to the other part of my room, staring at the pictures on my desk. There was one of me alone, a couple with my parents, and one of the two of us. He picked up the one of the two of us, and I wondered what he was thinking, if the sadness hit him as it hit me. Even though I had thought things were changing a long time ago—and they had in a way—it was only now that our worlds seemed to be shifting, pulling apart, moving in completely separate directions. That realization broke my heart, even more than the idea of never having him.
His eyebrows pulled together as he continued to stare at our picture. I knew his temper brewed under the surface. His play for normal was not working so well. I wasn’t going to feed into his game when I knew he very well didn’t want to know about my date.
“I don’t want you to be with him,” he said quietly as if using up his last card in that one sentence.
I didn’t answer, tired of all this nonsense.
He stared so intently at that picture that it was a wonder it didn’t break under his burly fingers. I took a few steps toward him and glanced over his shoulder. We were barely fifteen in that picture. It was taken during our family camping trip. I had mud on my clothes from wiping out on the playground. It was a great memory, a beautiful one, one that would always be ours and only ours.
He placed it back on the desk and picked up the one of me alone. It was from my high school graduation picture. It was the hottest day of the summer. The sheen of sweat could be seen on my face. My mother had taken a million pictures of me, and in this one, I was wearing the most forced smile with clenched teeth in a navy blue cap and gown.
He cleared his throat as he blinked at the picture. “Boo, you can have your pick. You’re beautiful and smart. Someday, some guy is going to be lucky to have you.” He gently set the picture back down and turned his eyes on me. They weren’t as gentle. “But it sure as hell is not going to be Evan.”
Oh my God. How are we still having this conversation? Kill me now.
I hated how he was treating me like a child. He didn’t have a right to me.
“You can’t tell me what to do, Jimmy.”
I marched out of the room, and he followed.
“Oh, yes, I can.” He stalked toward me.
If Jimmy wanted to fight, I could throw down. My boxing gloves were on and ready, so I welcomed him to bring it. I had done nothing wrong. Maybe I was shy around other people, but my true vocal abilities came out full force around him.
“I can, and I will. I promised your dad I’d take care of you.”
Using his promise to my dad was a low blow. I’d had enough.
“I’m a grown woman. That might have been the case when I was ten or eleven, but that doesn’t apply now.”
“The hell it doesn’t.”
I ignored him and stomped toward my kitchen, I could hear the heaviness of his footsteps behind me. On the kitchen floor, I spun quickly to face him. He came to a halt, almost running into me.
“How was your date?” he asked again. There was an edge to his tone that I didn’t appreciate.
“It was fine,” I sassed.
“Fine?”
I knew he hated when I threw that word in his face.
“Do you really want to know?” I asked him, getting ready to give him a dose of his own medicine. “My date was great. Evan was so sweet. My date was so wonderful that he even got a good night’s kiss,” I said, jutting my chin out.
My words caught him off guard. He staggered back a step as his eyes unfocused. A strong emotion passed over his face, but a moment later, that anger was back full force.
“Did he try anything else?” he asked slowly. He stood at attention, his posture stiff and the cords of his neck evident.
“No. But maybe I want him to next time.” I gave Jimmy a smug look, letting him know that there would indeed be another date.
“You’re just saying that to piss me off.” His hands were fisted at his sides. It looked like he wanted to punch something.
“Yeah, well, maybe I like him. Have you ever thought of that?”
“He’s dirty, Bliss.”
“What? You’re not dirty?”
“I’m not the one trying to get with you,” he reminded me, a desperate edge to his voice.
“Well, maybe that’s the problem!”
Crap. Crap. Crap!
I spun around, pressing my hands on the edge of the counter. Had I just said that?
“What did you say?” he asked in a small voice.
“Nothing.” There was an intense ringing in my ears, and all I wanted to do was hide or die or cry or something.
“What did you say, Boo?” he asked softly, determined.
Hanging on to the edge of the counter for dear life, I froze as I used all my might to stand upright. I used my hands to brace the sink and took deep breaths as I tried to pretend that I hadn’t just revealed my feelings, a revelation that could change our seventeen years of friendship forever.
“Boo,” he urged.
No, no, no. I’d ruined everything.
“Hmm?” I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. I couldn’t break down, not now, because then he’d know. The truth would be out.
He gently touched my shoulder, a tingling feeling shooting up my arm. I tightly closed my eyes, bit my lip, and shook my head. I didn’t want him to ask that question again. Maybe I could pretend this wasn’t happening, that my whole world wasn’t about to change.
He turned me to face him and lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. He leaned in closer, and his proximity, his very being, consumed me. All I could breathe in and feel and sense was Jimmy.
“Bliss, talk to me.” His warm breath tickled my face.
We were mere inches apart. His eyes flickered to my lips.
My heartbeat pounded loudly in my ears, his nearness making my senses spin, at the way his eyes took me in. His look alone left me breathless.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, pushing it down. Here it was—the moment of truth. I would have been scared out of my mind if he hadn’t been gazing at me with such emotion, such intensity, that I’d never seen before. It was a look so deep that I swore, I could peer into his soul.
My lips quivered as I spoke, “Maybe…maybe I want it to be you.”
A JAGGED BREATH LEFT HIS mouth at my confession. “I…I had no idea you felt this way.”
My lips parted at his proximity. He cupped the sides of my face, lightly grazing my cheek with his thumb. A warmth spread throughout me from his hold as our eyes locked, my piercing blue to his warm brown.
A small smile touched his lips. “Do you…do you know how long I’ve been in love with you?” His voice cracked on those last few words.
He dropped his hand and pulled me in, snaking his arms around my waist. I held my breath, and all of me thought I was dreaming. Maybe I had heard him wrong. Had the words I always longed to hear just come out of his mouth?
Not possible.
“If I kiss you, I won’t recover,” he whispered, looking at my lips. “I’m already in too deep.”
I angled myself toward him, feeling all my pent-up emotions from all the years of my unrequited love for him pushing to the surface. I couldn’t speak. Everything was overwhelming me. All my feelings rushed t
o the top, overflowing inside of me.
My hands moved to his waist, and I gripped the edge of his shirt as I found my voice. “What if I don’t want you to recover?” My jagged breathing matched his.
His eyes flashed before he leaned down, closing the gap between us, and finally, he captured my mouth with his. He softly pecked my lips, claiming them. The movement was deliberate, savoring, but it ignited me, lit a fire in me that was even more powerful than the night when he’d been drunk.
His fingers dragged me into him and dug into my sides as if he were branding me with his touch. My breath hitched as he continued to kiss me, and when I pushed myself flush against him, he groaned into my mouth, setting my body ablaze.
I reveled in his hold and melted into his arms as he led me into our first real kiss together—the kiss where we weren’t fourteen anymore and the kiss where he wasn’t drunk beyond belief. This kiss was real. The boy who was now a man, who I’d been in love with forever, was kissing me because he wanted me, and the truth made my heart swell and my insides soar. I thought I might burst with happiness as I molded into him.
He didn’t deepen the kiss though. Instead, he slowed it down to a few pecks and then painfully pulled away. I noticed he was a little breathless, and I was, too.
He lightly ran his thumbs against my cheeks again. “You don’t know how long I’ve been fighting this, how much self-control it has taken to deny myself the one thing, the only thing, I’ve ever wanted that mattered.”
I peered up at him through my lashes as he held me with his eyes. Those eyes consumed me, sucked me in, until all I could see, sense, or feel was him, only him.
His look alone sent the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy. I was already having a hard time breathing. I was choking up from his honesty.
He added, “I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was. It might’ve been that very first day when we were six. I don’t know, but somewhere along the way, I fell head first.” He blinked, getting filled with emotion himself. He looked like a little boy with wonder in his eyes as he finally got to say what he must have been bottling up throughout all these years. “I’m so in love with you, Boo.”