by Mia Kayla
He never texted back.
I hadn’t seen Jimmy since Friday. I texted him, telling him I loved him, on Saturday, but I received no response.
By Sunday night, I’d morphed into an anxiety-ridden mess. I couldn’t sit still. It was like I’d had three cups of coffee when I’d had none. I sat on the couch and twirled my finger around my necklace, over and over, in a repetitive motion. I still hadn’t slept much. It didn’t help that I hadn’t had much of an appetite.
As the minutes ticked by, I wondered if he would ever call. As selfish as it was, I felt his mom’s problems were secondary right now. We were the first. He had no right to leave me hanging like this. Not to mention, it was unlike him.
I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was this hollow, empty feeling. As the sun set and darkness filled the room, uncertainty filled me. I doubted if he’d call or even show up here. I knew he had to go back to New York, and I wondered if he had left without even saying good-bye.
So many times, I was on the verge of tears, but then I’d pick myself up and clean the place again—the living room, the bedroom, the bathroom. I organized my magazines for the millionth time.
I’d remind myself of what he’d said, that he’d call when everything was settled. I had to believe him. I couldn’t let doubt eat at me.
But when would everything be settled? And why hadn’t he texted me back?
The questions rolled around in my head. I’d told him that I loved him. Where was his usual response of, ‘To infinity and beyond’?
Why isn’t he here?
I paced the room as these thoughts ran rampant in my head. After a while, I trudged back to the couch, phone still in hand, and turned on the TV. I blankly stared at it for hours, seeing nothing, just hearing the news anchor reporting the news.
Late evening, keys jingled in my lock, and I jumped up. My hands trembled at my sides. When my eyes found a pair of familiar brown ones, I rushed toward Jimmy in a full-on sprint and wrapped my arms around him, taking in his masculine scent. I fisted the back of his cotton shirt as if he were my next breath of air and I was dying of suffocation. All these emotions rushed to the surface..
“Oh my God, is she okay? Are you okay?” I whispered into his shirt. “I was so worried.” Tears threatened to spill over as I pulled him in tighter to me while my adrenaline slowly died down.
In that moment, I felt whole, and all that dread disappeared as I breathed him in. “I’m so glad you’re here,” I exhaled. “I’ve missed you. What the hell happened to you?”
He tightly held me to his chest, continuously rubbing his hands lightly up and down my back as if I were the one who needed to be comforted. But he was the one who needed the consoling, not me.
However, so many days had passed with so much silence from Jimmy that I had begun to doubt what had happened between us. I’d questioned if his declaration, our first kiss, and our one week together was a figment of my imagination.
When he didn’t speak, I peered up from his shirt and asked, “How is she?”
Dark circles were under his eyes. “She’s fine now,” he finally said, sounding beat. “I took her to this rehab center. I had to situate things. She’ll be there for a couple of months.”
The discouraged tone in his voice made me wonder if she was really as fine as he’d said.
He scanned my face and cupped the side of my cheek with his palm. The warmth spread throughout my body as I leaned into his touch.
Everything will be okay, I told myself.
He was back. This was good. This was just how things were supposed to be. We would get through this—the problems with his mom. It wasn’t anything we hadn’t tackled before. I would be there for him. We could do this.
But when I turned my face to kiss his palm, he moved and took a few steps back. All that I had just convinced myself of fell away, and that feeling of dread rushed back, making pain surface in the center of my chest. Chills replaced the warmth that had just been present moments ago. I had a sour taste in my mouth as I wrapped my arms around my middle.
He faced the other direction and let out a jagged low breath. “I’m going back to New York tonight.”
My heart sagged as I stared at his profile. “Oh. Okay,” I said, unable to hide my disappointment. I pressed my hands together while trying to take everything in, formulating a plan in my head.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Management knows the deal about my mom, but I need to get back there. They only gave me the weekend off.”
“Okay,” I said again, stepping closer.
I needed to be near him, close enough that I could feel his warmth surrounding me again. I wasn’t ready for him to leave just when we’d finally gotten together. I knew he was going through a rough time, and I wanted to be there for him.
“I’ll go with you,” I offered, putting my hand on his chest.
I started calculating everything in my head. I could make up my schoolwork for a couple of days. I’d have Kelly take notes for me and email me the assignments. I’d email my teachers in advance and tell them I had a family emergency. It’d only be for a couple of days. I’d make a mental list of what I needed to do for school. This could work.
Then, he turned to face me, and his eyes spoke volumes. I read everything in the span of brown staring down at me. Those eyes showed such sadness and despair, and a part of me knew this wasn’t about his mother anymore. This was about us.
And my world bottomed out.
I stepped away, shrinking into myself. “You don’t want me to go,” I whispered.
All my insecurities came flooding back—I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for him or I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship. All that had ever haunted me and stopped me from telling Jimmy how I felt about him rushed to the surface.
He clenched his jaw. “It’s not that. It’s just…” He looked at the ground as his eyebrows pulled in. “I can’t anymore,” he said. He released a breath. “I just can’t.”
The pit of my stomach churned, and I bit my cheek hard enough to taste blood. There was an intense ringing in my ears as realization of what he was saying hit me.
“Can’t?” My voice was tiny. I barely heard it. “What do you mean, can’t?”
“Hear me out, Boo.”
He moved toward me, but I took two steps back. His shoulders sank at my rejection, but I couldn’t have him touching me, not when I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.
“I know what you want, what we were this past week, but I just can’t…I can’t give you what you want.”
His voice was desperate for me to understand, to look for the meaning beyond what he was saying, but I couldn’t.
“Did the other day just not happen?” I asked softly. “Did you just not tell me you were in love with me and cross that friendship line and kiss me? I swear, it happened, Jimmy. I swear, it did,” I said, finding my voice.
My eyes fell shut. This couldn’t be happening, not after all we’d been through. I thought we’d finally found resolution and sorted everything out.
When I opened my eyes and saw the look on his face, I knew this was real.
He doesn’t want me.
“Why are you doing this to me, to us?” I asked. My hands trembled at my sides.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice cracking, his face falling. He looked so defeated, so broken, but this was his decision.
“You’re sorry?” I asked in disbelief. “For what? Give me a reason.”
He ran an aggravated hand through his hair. “I’ve wanted you for so long, and I couldn’t fight it any longer, but it can’t happen between us, Boo.”
I felt myself hardening. My voice rose as I said, “Why?”
If he was going to leave me now—after everything we’d gone through, after all the time we’d waited—then he would give me answers.
“Tell me why!” I wrapped my shaky hands around my middle, trying to keep myself together. “You want me to go back and pretend that I don’t
love you like I do, that I’m not in love with you. You want me to forget what you said to me, what you revealed. I can’t do it.” My voice shook. “How do you expect things to go back to how it was before, knowing what we know now?”
He searched my face, his eyes showing such torment, such pain. “I’m not good enough for you, Boo. I’ll never be the man you deserve.”
I was so mad that I wanted to hit him, punch some sense into him, when I usually didn’t have a violent bone in my body. “How can you say that? That’s stupid, Jimmy. We’re perfect together. We always have been. You know that,” I spoke with conviction as I took a step forward, wanting him to believe me. “And that’s why God sent you to me on my first day of school. He sent a warrior to strengthen this shy little girl, forcing her to live out of her shell and helping her to get through her darkest moments of life.”
His face faltered, and I thought I was getting through to him.
“You’re mine, and I’m yours,” I insisted firmly. “Maybe we waited a while to tell each other, but that’s how it’s always been, and…that’s how it’s meant to be. I know it.”
His lip quivered. Through his chocolate-brown eyes, the eyes that I was so familiar with, I knew he was breaking. I used all my will to fight for us because he was worth it. We were worth it. Finally, I felt the strength to move toward him, but when I took a step forward, he took one step back, and my heart broke again. He didn’t want me to touch him even though I’d been in his arms a moment ago.
I stifled a cry as everything in my world seemed to slow down until it halted when I came to a realization. An unbearable ache spread throughout my chest. “This is not about you being not good enough for me, Jimmy. You’re scared. You don’t want to fall in love because love ruins people. You don’t want to end up broken.” My stare didn’t waver. I needed him to understand, to believe me. “You think I’d ever in a million years do that to you? Hurt you like your father hurt your mom? I’d never do that, Jimmy. Never.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Those were your words,” I reminded him, bringing back what he’d said to me over and over again, his life long motto. “Love ruins people. That’s what you said.”
He curled his fingers into fists, his knuckles turning white. “You think this is about you hurting me? This is about me hurting you—breaking you, ruining you.”
I shook my head. “You would never hurt me.”
His whole face clenched with pain. “I can never see it either. I can never imagine hurting such an angel—so damn beautiful, so damn perfect,” he breathed. He stepped toward me and ran one hand down his face. “I have to walk away, Boo, before…” He swallowed hard. “Before I do to you what he did to my mom.”
He?
His father. Jimmy was comparing himself to his father.
I should have seen that coming. I should have known that was what this was about.
He let out a jagged breath. “Ever heard of fate?” He drew in a deep breath before he continued. “Events are destined to happen, and it’s beyond your control. I’m fated to live his life, and as hard as I try, as much as I do, I can’t stop his life from happening to me. I hate it, but I just can’t stop it.”
I frowned at him, confused. Heat formed behind my eyes as tears were on the brink of falling. “What are you talking about?” I whispered.
His gaze dropped to the floor. “My mother said it. I’m him. I’m turning out just like my father. My stupid high school jersey with our last name is hanging right next to his at Deerfield High. I’m that guy who got the college scholarship for football. I’m that guy who made it to the pros. You don’t understand. Whatever I do and as hard as I try not to turn out like him, not to have his life, the more it sets things into motion.” He let out a shaky breath.
Oh, Jimmy.
I felt lost, wanting to reach out to him, but I didn’t really know what to do, what to say.
When he raised his gaze, he looked broken, and a finality was in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. He was ending this. He was ending us.
“I’m not going to be that guy. I’m not going to break you, ruin you, like he did with my mom. I love you too much, Boo. I’d rather cut my veins open and bleed dry than hurt you.”
With his words, I realized how deep his wound was. His father’s indiscretion had cut deep into his being. It was to the point that everything he did was because he didn’t want to turn out like the father who had abandoned his mother. I’d always known, but he’d hidden the depth of it from me.
“You’re not going to turn out like him.” This time, my voice didn’t quiver. My words had come out steady and with certainty. “You are nothing like your father.” It was the truth. He had to see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice.
He stepped toward me and ducked his head to meet my line of sight. To make me understand the magnitude of his words, he spoke slowly, “I can’t chance it. I can’t test fate, especially when it comes to you.”
He gripped my shoulders and pulled me in. I wanted to fight him and make him understand, but his touch, the feel of his arms around me, weakened me.
He whispered, “Boo, I promise everything will be good. I’m going to make everything how it should be, how it was before. And you know when I promise…” He couldn’t finish as he let out a shaky breath.
I knew he was barely containing his tears now.
I felt as though I were drowning in an endless sea, and all I wanted, all I wished for, was to stay afloat. Jimmy was my lifesaver, but whatever I did, I couldn’t reach for him. He had already made his decision. We were over.
I knew there was nothing else I could say.
It was there, in the firmness of his voice and the look of determination set in his eyes. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t have mattered.
With one more squeeze, he said, “I promise, everything will be as it was before.”
He let me go, opened the door, and shut it behind him. To him, he was doing this for me. He didn’t want to ruin me like his father had ruined his mother.
What Jimmy didn’t know was that he already had.
Jimmy went back to New York that night. One second, he’d been making my wildest dreams come true, and the next, he’d left me utterly broken.
After he’d left, I felt numb. I didn’t cry. I fell into bed, clutching a picture in my hands of a boy and a girl, both barely seven. They were laughing and seemed carefree. My father had snapped this candid picture of Jimmy and me at a picnic. We had been playing tag, and he’d said, “Smile, guys.”
Jimmy had placed his arm around my shoulder and smiled big. It was the year he’d lost both of his front teeth, and he’d wanted to give me one of his teeth just because I hadn’t lost mine yet. He’d wanted the tooth fairy to visit me, too.
That night, I stared at the picture of us, so young with no cares in the world. Who would have known I’d grow up and fall in love with that boy?
My hand brushed against the picture as I felt a familiar sting behind my eyes. I missed those days when life had been easy, when I hadn’t felt a thing, because here, in this moment, I felt every tiny prickle of pain in my heart as if it were slowly cracking into pieces.
I’d never known the heart could physically ache. Now, I did.
My best friend, the one who said he loved me, had just broken my heart. And I doubted it would ever heal completely.
It was like how he’d said if he kissed me, he wouldn’t recover. Well, he had, and now, I would never recover.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
When I woke up, I was still clutching that picture frame of the little boy and girl, feeling the coldness from the frame against my chest, which matched the cold emptiness I felt inside.
JIMMY CALLED THE NEXT DAY at his regular eight a.m. time, but I didn’t answer. He wanted to make everything the same as it had been before, but I just couldn’t. I would never be able to.
If I picked up the phone, I wouldn’t be able to keep it together, t
o talk normal when I couldn’t act normal.
I stared at the phone as his name flashed on the screen, again and again.
Thirty minutes later, he stopped.
Thank goodness. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. Every time I’d see our picture on the screen, a thickness in my throat would form, signaling the coming of fresh tears.
I was gutted. I felt physically sick, fatigued, to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed. It didn’t help that I’d lost my appetite and hadn’t eaten.
Kelly showed up at my door after I’d missed my Monday classes. I’d never been sick enough to skip class before.
I let her in, but I told her I didn’t want to talk about it. I would just keep it together until she left.
But one look in her knowing eyes broke me, and she held me for hours as I relayed all that had happened while I cried in her arms. It was then when I realized what I needed to do. It was a plan I’d made almost a month ago. I needed to distance myself from Jimmy Brason, or this feeling of despair would swallow me whole.
For the next week, I avoided anything and everything that had to do with football and Jimmy Brason. I wasn’t fine, but I was getting by, immersing myself in school. I never allowed myself to sit still. When I would, my mind would flicker to memories of Jimmy.
I thought I was finally making it until three days later when, unexpectedly, he showed up at my door.
My head jerked up from the TV as I sat on my couch. With my spare key in his hand, he walked right in. Bloodshot eyes bore into mine, and I wanted to cry again. I’d thought I had cried it all out over the whole week in Kelly’s arms.
I stood, my legs stiff and my heart guarded. “Jimmy, what are you doing here?”
Our eyes locked, and without saying a thing, he plowed toward me. The next moment, I was in his arms. He smelled like the fresh outdoors mixed with his Calvin Klein cologne, and all of me wanted to break down right then.
Even though I was dying inside and I knew I shouldn’t, I squeezed him back because he felt like home. His arms around me, caging me in, were my home. All my resolve to distance myself vanished as my feelings for him rushed to the surface.