In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  “Thinking about taking a trip.” He decided to try ambiguity.

  “By yourself?” Sway frowned, “Wait a minute... ” He leaned forward and whispered accusingly, “You're not gonna follow Lucy, are you?”

  “Hell no!” Blake barked. “I'm going to see my mom.”

  And there it was.

  “Whoa.” Sway sat back, his eyes wide. “Sorry, man.”

  Blake growled in frustration and shook his head. “Don't worry about it. It's just something I have to do.”

  Sway looked uncomfortable, and Blake couldn't blame him. He'd built up a huge wall of secrecy about his life and he was getting tired of maintaining it. His bandmates knew bits and pieces, along with whatever he had let leak out during his many alcohol-induced diatribes.

  He'd been hiding from the past for too long and all it had gotten him was further away from where he wanted to be.

  ***

  Kendra tightened her high ponytail again and dug in her pocket for a dollar. She wanted a cookie. She hadn't had a cookie in a really long time, and a chocolate chip cookie the size of her head was staring at her from the bakery window.

  “Let me get that for you.”

  Kendra spun to see Chad handing his bill over the counter, a wide grin on his face.

  “What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in sound check!” she whisper-shouted in shock. The girl behind the counter raised a curious eyebrow.

  “Calm down, chick.” Chad chuckled. “We finished early.”

  Kendra would never have left her post for a personal errand, but the bakery across the street had been beckoning to her since they had pulled into town. She was sure that Denver had many amazing things to offer, but she could not stop thinking about the sugary fatty goodness of a fresh baked cookie.

  If Chad wasn't at sound check, then that meant other things were off schedule and she was going to have to get back quickly. She'd been horrendously distracted the past couple of days and it seemed things were going to start falling apart. Pulling out her phone to check for any missed messages from Carl, she turned to the door.

  “You forgot your cookie.”

  She looked back at Chad with a blank face. He smiled adorably and held up the baked good in question.

  “C'mon, Kendra.” He motioned towards a nearby table. “Let's talk.”

  She looked at her phone again, no missed anythings, and then back to the cookie. “Be honest: did sound check go okay?”

  “Yeah, it went fast.” He chuckled slightly. “Everything is fine, you can enjoy your cookie.”

  She acquiesced and sat down at the table he had indicated. He handed over the cookie and sat across from her.

  “Finally, maybe we can have a decent conversation.” He leaned his elbows on the table and his blue eyes twinkled.

  She took a bite of her cookie and tried not to smile. “Why do you insist on flirting with me, Chad?”

  “Oh good, you noticed.” His grin widened and she shook her head when she couldn't help smiling in return.

  “I just think you're a cool chick and I want to talk to you more. Besides,” he leaned forward a little, “you've got inside information and I'm trying to butter you up so you'll let me in on it.”

  “What inside information?” Kendra took another bit of cookie, the sugar already going to her brain and increasing her heart rate. “If you think I'm going to give you Carl's bank account number, you've come to the wrong girl.”

  Chad laughed and leaned back, draping a long arm over his chair and looking like the up-and-coming rock star that he was. A couple of girls walked into the bakery and gave him a longer stare than they would have for a regular guy. Kendra had to admit, he was decently attractive. His shaggy, brown hair was styled in that obvious messy way that guys seemed to find so appealing lately. The fact that he was a drummer, and an energetic one at that, lent to his lean, athletic build. And he smelled nice, too.

  “I'm talking about Blake,” Chad said, bringing her attention back to their conversation.

  Kendra felt her face frown instantly. She was not going to divulge things about Blake.

  “Don't look at me like that.” Chad arched an eyebrow. “I have information to share in return.”

  Kendra narrowed her eyes. “You're just a small town gossip, aren't you?”

  “I was raised by old ladies.” Chad's lopsided smile was too endearing. She wanted to be suspicious or upset, but she wasn't. She was amused.

  It was her turn to lean forward. “How do I know that your information is as good as mine? I don't want to give up the goods for some random trivia I could find out from anyone.”

  Chad rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Oh, my intel is good.” He leaned forward again. Now their elbows were touching and their faces were inches apart, the cookie half-eaten and held just off to the side. He looked over at it and then back to her.

  “Then you go first,” Kendra dared quietly.

  “If you give me a bite of that cookie.” Chad looked at it again.

  She broke off a small piece and handed it over, not removing her stare from his. She felt almost giddy from the fun of the conversation.

  He took his time eating the bite of cookie, making appreciative noises that caused those two girls to look over at them several times.

  “Okay, okay.” Kendra rolled her eyes. “What have you got?”

  Chad took a deep breath. “I know how Blake really got that black eye and split lip.”

  Kendra looked at him suspiciously. “Carl said it was an equipment accident.”

  “Yeah, but I was there. It was Luke Casey's fist that did that.”

  That made sense. Especially considering the huge bruise on Luke's jaw. But why hadn't Blake told her about that?

  “What were they fighting about?”

  Chad sucked in a breath through his teeth. “From what I overheard, Blake is pissed that Lucy is going to see Shane for the week off.”

  Kendra felt lead settle in her stomach. No wonder Blake hadn't told her. This thing with Lucy was starting to derail.

  “Now, I know you talk to Blake a lot. I'm hoping you can tell me if it's true.”

  “If what's true?”

  “Is he stupid in love with Lucy or what?” Chad whispered in exasperation.

  Kendra sighed and looked down at the table. “Pretty much.”

  “I knew it,” Chad said with conviction.

  “Well, no kidding.” Kendra grimaced. “It's not like he's being real subtle about it.”

  Fist fights now? What was next? Kendra was afraid to find out.

  “You think we should start confronting them on the obvious?” he asked sincerely. This was a side she hadn't yet seen in Chad and she liked it. He was kind of a sweetie.

  “You mean, that they're amazing together?” Kendra gave him a sad smile. “If they can't see that already, what makes you think we'll make a difference?”

  ***

  Lucy twirled a loose strand of hair around her finger absentmindedly, relaxing in the soft motions of the bus on the interstate. She was waiting for her nightly call from Shane and marveled at the butterflies that had taken up permanent residency in her stomach.

  “I have a date tomorrow,” Chad proclaimed loudly as he took his place beside her. He had started to lie next to her on the floor most nights after the show, making her feel like a trend setter. Before long she'd have Taylor and Stuart convinced into doing it too.

  “With whom?” Lucy teased, knowing the answer.

  “Kendra.” Chad sighed contentedly. “She's so pretty.”

  “Well, good luck to ya,” Lucy said sincerely.

  Taylor and Stuart had gone to bed early, leaving just the two of them to keep each other company. It had started to happen more frequently and Lucy was a little concerned for Taylor and Stuart's level of fatigue. The week off would do them both good.

  “Looking forward to seeing California?” Chad asked.

  “Yeah, I really am.” Lucy smiled as she thought of
seeing Shane face-to-face again.

  “Blake seems okay with it,” he said, catching Lucy off guard.

  “Why wouldn't he be?” she asked curiously.

  “I don't know.” She felt his shoulder next to her shrug. “I guess I just thought there was more between you than just friendship. My mistake.”

  Lucy frowned at the ceiling. “There used to be, a long time ago. But people change.” She swallowed hard. Technically, what she said was true, but it was the lack of change in either of them that made love between them impossible.

  “Does Shane know about you and Blake?” Chad asked.

  Lucy's mouth went dry as she tried to reply. “No, it hasn't come up.” Would that matter? Maybe. She should probably tell him.

  “Well, it's pretty obvious that Blake still wants you. I think it's kinda awesome how cool he's being about the whole thing, aside from punching Luke over the deal. If it were me, I'd be a frickin' train wreck of jealousy.”

  “He punched Luke?!” Lucy propped herself up on an elbow to look over at him. “What are you talking about?”

  “I might have that wrong. You should ask Blake about it,” he said, too casually.

  Lucy's heart sped up as she recalled the injuries on both men and her stomach tightened when she realized it may have had to do with her. That couldn't be true. Blake had made it pretty obvious that he was over her, in more ways than one.

  Lucy exhaled slowly and lay back down. Chad had no idea what he was talking about, as usual.

  “You're wrong, Chad. Blake hasn't wanted me in a long time.” Her voice felt hollow as she said the words out loud, not understanding the emptiness it caused inside her.

  Chad pushed himself onto his feet and looked down at her.

  “No, I'm not.” His usual cheerful face was serious and almost sad. “I know you guys think I'm just an obnoxious prick and I don't know anything. But I do, I know all kinds of things.”

  He glanced down at her phone as it lit up with her anticipated call. “I'm going to bed. Goodnight, sis.”

  Lucy blinked a few times before answering. Chad was peculiar, that was for sure. She had no idea how he got some of the things into his head that he did.

  “Hello?” she spoke into the receiver.

  “Hey.” Shane's deep voice filled the line and her senses at the same time. She took a refreshing breath and smiled, instantly relaxing. She pushed Chad's words far from her thoughts as she eased into the singular world that was Shane Brookings.

  ***

  Lucy was officially added to the bill. She still only did five songs a night, but she would switch them up from time to time. And Blake was damn proud of her. He never missed a single set.

  He would stand off to the side, lost in everything about her that he had always loved, and feeling more and more like she was slipping away from him. Wasn't she, though?

  He couldn't stand the pureness of her heart reflected in her words. It was too much to bear. She had loved him once. Him. He had held an angel, truly. And he had done everything in his power to ruin it.

  In the time they spent together now, he focused on being the best friend he could possibly be. The tension that used to exist between them had evaporated over time. She was relaxed and breathing easy, and he wanted to keep it that way. The only time he would let himself look at her, and allow his heart to feel what it couldn't help feeling for her, was when she was on stage.

  He had no idea how much longer his body could hold up under the stress of wanting her, and never having her.

  The week off was rapidly approaching and she would be gone. He tried to keep from thinking about it too much, it only made him feel angry. And helpless. Never a good combination.

  The DBS set became a place for Blake to exorcise his demons. All the bitterness and frustration he felt, he'd take out on his guitar. He'd play hard, to the point of complete exhaustion, and then crash in his bunk immediately after. He didn't stick around and talk to fans anymore. He didn't look for Lucy after the show. He poured every ounce of dissatisfaction and resentment into his playing, smashing his guitar during the encore every night. At least the crowd loved it.

  And that's how he had been getting by. It helped as much as it could, but not tonight. Tonight, he was in agony. He'd reached a point where his heart hurt so bad he was convinced that it was a smoldering pile of ashes and his lungs were choking on the smoke.

  Leaving his instrument in broken smithereens on the stage, he grabbed his jacket out of the green room. He slammed open the back door to the venue and tried to inhale the clean air of the mountains, but he couldn't breathe. It hurt too damn much. Everything hurt too much.

  He started walking, without a specific direction in mind. He followed his feet and they faithfully led him to a place that promised a numbing release from his inner distress.

  The bar was small and cozy and served his favorite toxin, which he ordered easily.

  He pulled out his cellphone and turned it off. He didn't need Kendra or Sway calling him and making him feel guilty for this. He only wanted a few minutes to himself. He'd be right back.

  Three shots in, and he started to feel warm so he removed his leather jacket. Two more shots after that, and he moved to a booth in the back with a pitcher of beer. He looked at the clock on the wall and decided he could spare a few more minutes before he really had to get going. The buses were supposed to get underway soon, but they'd wait for him. Probably.

  He just needed something to get him by for the next few days. He needed to not hurt right now. Just for a minute.

  He looked at the clock again to make sure he was still running on time, but the numbers were all fuzzy.

  Oh well.

  He finished off the pitcher.

  ***

  Kendra was a wreck. She'd lost Blake. Again. His phone was off and she had no idea where to look.

  She ran over to the red bus, her heart pounding out of fear and anxiety. She bounded up the steps and entered the cabin, not caring if she was being intrusive. Stepping past questioning faces and searching every bunk, the bathroom, the back lounge, the bunks again. She was in near hysterics.

  Chad grabbed her by her shoulders and looked her in the eye with concern. “What's going on, Kendra?”

  “I,” she panted, “I can't find Blake.” Now that she'd said it out loud it became even more real, and hot tears formed in her eyes.

  “What do you mean?” Lucy got up off the floor, genuine worry lacing her voice.

  “I mean, he left after the set. Some of the crew members saw him, but thought he'd come back to the buses.” She hadn't told Carl yet, he was going to fire her for sure.

  “Okay, calm down,” Lucy encouraged as she slipped her shoes on and grabbed Taylor's nearby flannel, tugging it on quickly. “We'll find him.”

  Lucy turned to Chad. “Stall Carl, tell him you have diarrhea or something.” She grabbed Kendra's arm and headed towards the door, yelling over her shoulder, “Try to buy me at least a half an hour.”

  “How do you know you can find him?” Kendra asked when they slipped out the gate and down the sidewalk.

  Lucy's face was tight and her eyebrows were knit together. “Because he's upset. Did you see him smash his guitar tonight? One thing about Blake Diedrich that's predictable: his bad habits.”

  Chapter 11

  Never Say Never

  Blake's inner monologue was sure doing a number on him. He'd gone from being angry about losing Lucy to angry with himself for resorting to old habits. And just when he'd had almost enough to forget what had brought him to the bar in the first place, he'd start the whole cycle again.

  He'd gotten to the point where his thoughts were laughable. He chuckled sardonically to himself over his ridiculous behavior. If Lucy could see him now, there would be no fooling her. She'd see that he was the same self-hating drunk he'd always been. He had nothing new to offer. It was hilarious.

  Through his drunken stupor, he thought he saw her coming towards him from across the bar. That
was always the problem, he'd drink to forget and then all he could see was her. He wondered if it would be like this for the rest of his life... what a lonely thought.

  ***

  Lucy stopped in the doorway of the dive bar and watched Blake for a few minutes. He hadn't seen her yet, he probably couldn't from the way he was peering into his empty pitcher of beer. She sighed, a familiar heaviness settling across her shoulders.

  Kendra was across the street and Lucy waved to her as she stepped fully inside the building. They'd been searching for Blake for the better part of an hour and she just knew, in her heart, that he'd be in a place like this. It wasn't the first time that Lucy had had to carry Blake out of a bar. But she had really believed that the last time had truly been the last time.

  Kendra pushed through the door and stood next to her, her eyes immediately drawn to the dark-haired rocker alone in his corner booth, a black beanie pulled down low on his forehead. His white t-shirt made the stubble on his face even darker and more pronounced.

  “Thank God,” Kendra breathed in relief. Lucy felt sorry for the poor girl, she had been nearly out of her mind with worry. Whether it was for Blake or her own job, she didn't know. But Lucy understood her relief, she was feeling something similar. But Blake did that, didn't he? He'd get everyone in a twitter over his issues and then they'd be so happy he was okay, they'd forget to kick his ass, and the cycle would repeat itself.

  “We should have brought one of the guys with us,” Kendra muttered, and Lucy shook her head. “He's obviously drunk, we're gonna need help,” Kendra continued in explanation.

  “I got it,” Lucy responded quietly. “Call Carl, tell him where to pick us up.”

  “But I thought—” Kendra protested, confused.

  “Just do it,” Lucy said softly, not looking at the younger girl. Her insides were a complete mess as she surveyed her beautiful tattooed past. She set her shoulders and braced her heart for the unknown. Who knew what had set him off this time? It could have been anything, and Lucy wasn't sure she wanted to know.

  As she approached the table, Blake looked up at her, his eyes glassy and bloodshot. They were sad, a pale sea foam green, nearly translucent. She slid into the booth beside him and took the empty pitcher from his hands, sliding it to the center of the table.