Confusion, Confession and Conviction

by Victoria Winfield

  At this point, it was agreed by all parties that it had grown rather late. Upon Mr. Gardiner’s insistence, Mr. Darcy made an appointment to see them at Lambton on the next day. He and Lizzie did not dare look at each other until the last moment, when the carriage was already pulling away down the hill and Lizzie risked one glance behind. She saw Mr. Darcy rooted to the place where they had left him, staring after the carriage, while his sister leaned on his arm. Lizzie saw Georgiana say something to him, but it was too dark to catch either of their expressions at a distance so that she might judge what might have been said. A moment later, they both turned and disappeared inside the building.

  Lizzie had to press her hands together for most of the ride to Lambton to keep them from shaking.

  For most of the way, her mind was consumed with wondering what might have happened or what might have been said if her aunt and uncle hadn’t shown up when they did. But by the time they reached the inn, it was a different question that lingered on her thoughts. And the question was one that she had so often dismissed as unnecessary before that now it was significantly more difficult to be forced to consider it.

  Did she love her fiancé?

  Chapter 9

  Lizzie had barely gotten any sleep. When she received a letter from Jane the day after that dinner with Mr. Darcy, she thought it must be a true blessing. She was exhausted of going over the same questions in her mind, and of imagining what she would do when she saw Mr. Darcy again. She expected that reading a letter from her sister would be the antidote she needed. Once she had gone over the contents of this letter, however, it proved only to worsen her concerns.

  The letter informed her that Lydia had escaped her chaperone in Brighton and gone away, nobody knew where, and eloped- with none other than the dreaded Mr. Wickham.

  Mr. Darcy arrived at Lambton just as Lizzie finished the letter. He found her in a near hysterical state, and all unfinished business from their prior discussion was momentarily forgotten as he expressed his concern. She confided in him the tragedy that had struck the family, and Lizzie knew that he would quickly realize how devastating this would be for her sister as well as her entire family.

  He must be glad, Lizzie thought at one point, that he did not marry me after all. To think that he thought ill of my family before this disaster!

  Yet he did not say a single unkind or unthoughtful word. He lamented the situation and shared Lizzie’s frustration that Mr. Wickham had been allowed to cause such harm.

  Once the Gardiners were informed of the news, they made quick work of gathering their things and preparing to leave. Mr. Gardiner was to go to London, to accompany Mr. Bennet in what Lizzie feared would be a hopeless search for her ruined sister. They expressed their apologies to Mr. Darcy for having to cancel their plans, and Mr. Darcy wished them the best of fortune in this matter. It was only once Lizzie was in her carriage and they were pulled to Hertfordshire with the purpose of handling such an awful predicament, that she realized she might never again have the occasion to see and speak with Mr. Darcy as she had for the past several days. It was then that for the first time since reading Jane’s letter, Lizzie was filled with a sorrow that had nothing to do with her sister or her family’s reputation.

  Lizzie arrived at Longbourn alone. Her uncle was already gone to London, and her aunt had returned to her home to handle any necessary affairs while her husband was away. After the days spent in the joyous presence of her aunt and uncle, and the time spent in Pemberley, returning to her home and finding it in such a state of gloom caused Lizzie’s mood to sink like a pebble in the ocean.

  Mrs. Bennet was in a state of absolute despair. Her daughters were not as vocal about it, but the general opinion seemed to be that their family had been irreparably ruined. It was very quiet around the house, excepting Mrs. Bennet’s ongoing lamentations. And during those days, the topic of Lizzie’s impending wedding seemed forgotten. If anything, they all avoided mention of it. Though they did not say it, they all secretly feared that the wedding would be called off.

  Lizzie had written to Mr. Milford on the same day that she got back, and against her mother’s protests, she explained her sister’s predicament to her fiancé. Mrs. Bennet wanted to wait until the Duke reached Longbourn, her reasoning being that once there he would be much less inclined to cancel the marriage than if all he had to do was send a letter and never show up. This idea seemed immoral enough to Lizzie that she could easily excuse sending the letter. If she was honest with herself, she had to admit that a part of her hoped the wedding would be postponed. If the business with Lydia wasn’t enough to disconcert her, the recent alteration in her feelings concerning Mr. Darcy surely did little to assure her of her wish to be married so soon to a man whom she knew so little about.

  And yes, Lizzie realized- she hardly knew him at all! From his letters and their meetings, she could easily read his personality: pleasant, enjoyable company. Yet she hardly knew a thing about his family other than fleeting mentions of a younger brother who, assuming from the lack of detail used to describe him, he was not particularly close to. She knew nothing of his past, for he had never made any mention of any topic related to it other than alluding to the rigorous education that took place during his childhood. As for his house, she did not know what to imagine. From the vague descriptions that had appeared in his letters, she could not tell whether it was an elegant or a gaudy place; a tastefully decorated spacious building or a cluttered dungeon of extravagance for the sake of extravagance. What if she hated the house? Would she grow to hate her husband as well?

  But such concerns seemed almost selfish. To think of all that he offered her, with so little to gain in return, and she still did not declare herself the happiest woman in the county. Lizzie did not dare voice any of her doubts, not even to Jane.

  It was several days of dreadful suspense as the Bennet women waited patiently for the letters that might save or undo them. The first important letter to arrive was news from Mr. Bennet, declaring that he would be returning from London despite having had no success in locating Lydia. This struck another blow to whatever fading hopes the women had held onto for a favourable outcome. The next letter to arrive was Mr. Milford’s.

  Everyone waited with their breath held while Lizzie read the contents.

  “Nothing has changed,” Lizzie declared out loud for their benefit. “He wants to go on with the wedding.”

  The relief this sent their way was nearly physically palpable. Lizzie did not elaborate, thinking it best to allow her family this small victory, but she resolved that when Mr. Milford arrived -in only three more days- she would speak to him about postponing the wedding. She thought it a reasonable enough request while the crisis with her relatives passed.

  Chapter 10

  Mr. Milford reached Longbourn a day after Mr. Bennet did.

  Elizabeth had unconsciously placed a lot of pressure on this meeting. For a very long time she had thought that upon seeing him again, she would be filled with such giddiness as to assure her that her feelings for him were true. So when he stood before her, with his usual smile and his bright hair and blue eyes, Lizzie waited for that joy to bubble up within her.

  “Dearest Miss Elizabeth,” Mr. Milford greeted her as the servant who had shown him inside walked away. “It is a great pleasure to stand before you once more.”

  “Likewise,” Lizzie answered with a small bow. She attempted a smile, and then invited Mr. Milford to join her and the family for dinner. She thought that perhaps the feelings might surge along the course of the meal.

  Having the Duke of Ausbury, who was still set to marry one of the Bennets despite the tragedy with Lydia, present for dinner brought up the mood of the house a little. Mrs. Bennet for a while forgot her fretting and Mary and Kitty partook in conversations with much more vigour than they had since the news of Lydia had come. The evening was rather pleasant, and the women were quick to assure Mr. Milford -who would be staying with the Elkins again during his time in Herfortshire-
that he was welcome to join them at Longbourn for dinner as often as he pleased.

  Before he left that evening, Lizzie dismissed the servant and followed Mr. Milford out to his carriage.

  “Thank you,” she told him, unsure if she meant to thank him for the evening or for the fact that he was still marrying her.

  “Whatever for?” he asked cheekily. “The pleasure has been all mine!” At Lizzie’s lack of response, he added, “Come now, Miss Elizabeth. I would expect my bride-to-be to be a bit more cheerful!”

  He said it teasingly, not in a reproachful manner, but Lizzie still resented his remark. “Forgive me,” she said with an effort to keep her tone amiable. “I am merely distraught with Lydia’s predicament. Actually… I hoped to speak with you about it.”

  “A terribly regrettable thing, to be sure,” he nodded.

  “Yes. I…” she hesitated, but ultimately drew her courage and said, “I would like to postpone the wedding.”

  She had hoped that Mr. Milford would take this request in stride, but the smile immediately dropped from his face and Lizzie feared she was about to ruin what could be her only chance of happiness. Still, she did not let that stop her. She explained that with the shadow of her sister’s ruin hanging above them, it simply did not feel like the right time to have a wedding celebration. She said she hoped that he could understand, that once matters had settled -one way or another- she would be glad to resume the wedding plans.

  Mr. Milford did not reply immediately. It was clear from his expression that he was deeply disappointed, but when he spoke he only asked, “I take it that your mind has been made up and cannot be altered even by my protest?”

  Lizzie wanted to deny this charge, but truthfully, she could not. “I hope you can understand,” she smiled appealingly, hoping to convey that she did mean to go through with the marriage… Eventually.

  Time was all she needed.

  “Alright, in that case,” Mr. Milford smiled with resignation. “I shall let my cousin know that I must request his hospitality for some time longer. I shall wait as long as you require.”

  At hearing this, some of the tension was released from Lizzie’s body. “Thank you,” she said, and this time it was heartfelt.

  She felt lighter as she prepared to go to bed that night. In the morning she would tell her family that she and Mr. Milford would wait to be married until after Lydia was found. They would understand. She hoped they would.

  Lizzie did not get the chance to have her discussion, however, for news arrived early that day in the form of a letter. Beyond all hope, beyond all reason, in the letter Mr. Gardiner confirmed that Lydia had at last been discovered. Moreover, he said that Wickham would marry her in exchange for an income!

  The thought of her poor foolish sister married to someone as foul as Wickham distressed Lizzie, but she recognized that the alternative was not a better option. Marriage would save Lydia and her family from ruin. Even if that marriage came at a great cost to those involved. Mr. Bennet surmised, as well as Lizzie did, that some intervention had been required to get Wickham to agree to wed the girl. They had to assume they now owed a debt to Mr. Gardiner that they could never repay.

  The following days passed in a whirl of conflicted emotions.

  Mrs. Bennet was thrilled to have another daughter getting married. Mr. Bennet had less patience than usual for her antics, angry as he was about the entire matter. With all that was happening, Lizzie’s announcement that her own wedding had been delayed was received with little more than mild disappointment. Her mother needed additional reassurance that the engagement was still very much alive, and ultimately was content to bask in the accomplishment of having two engaged daughters.

  Mr. Milford dined often at Longbourn. All the family members, even Mr. Bennet to some degree- were delighted enough by Mr. Milford. Lizzie was grateful that he did not to bring up the subject of fixing a date for the wedding again. But she knew that she could not put it off forever.

  It became more difficult to justify the continued delay once Lydia and Wickham were returned from London. Their wedding took place almost immediately, and once that had happened everything seemed settled enough that Mr. Milford could not help but argue one day that the time seemed to be right to officialise their marriage. During this time, the Bennets learned that Lydia wished to spend some days with them before moving away with Wickham. It took some convincing for their father, but alas the newlyweds were allowed to stay at the house for ten days.

  “It seems the perfect time for us, with your sister and her husband here,” Milford argued most logically after one of their dinners.

  Lizzie replied that under no circumstances did she desire to have Mr. Wickham present at her wedding, and so she was able to negotiate a little extra time. “After they’ve left, and this entire business can be put behind us,” she told him.

  Mr. Milford sighed. He had shown her that he was a patient man, but alas his patience was beginning to run thin. She couldn’t blame him; she also couldn’t bring herself to change her mind. The very thought of moving up the wedding sent her heart thumping wildly, with more anxiety than excitement. She thought, perhaps, it was normal to be nervous.

  But should it be so difficult to see herself accepting her love in marriage?

  Uninvited, thoughts of Mr. Darcy inevitably snuck back into her mind. She had not taken any time to consider his proposal back then, before rejecting it. Now her chance was gone forever. It didn’t matter whether she married Mr. Milford or not; her outright scorn of Mr. Darcy’s feelings should have guaranteed that he would never again consider her. But that evening at Pemberley, when he had stood so close to her, had asked if she loved her fiancé… The nerve! To pose such a question, he must have known it could only cause unnecessary distress for her relationship. It would be one thing if he still had feelings for her, but Lizzie did not wish to flatter herself with this notion. Perhaps, she thought, it had been his vengeance for her having spurned him before.

  Even Lizzie didn’t believe this. She had gotten to known him over those days in Derbyshire better than ever she thought possible. She may not believe entirely that he could still love her, but she knew that his character was admirable and kind, once given a chance to be understood. She only wished she’d understood it before it was too late.

  So did Lizzie’s thoughts torment her during Lydia’s stay. To aggravate matters, Lydia mentioned an unexpected guest had been present during her wedding ceremony. And who else, but Mr. Darcy!

  Curiosity got the best of Lizzie, and she could not leave the matter alone. Unbeknownst to anyone, she wrote a letter to her aunt inquiring on the subject. Her aunt’s reply was mercifully swift. It arrived on the fourth day of Lydia’s stay, and gave Lizzie plenty of time to mull over its revelations.

  “It was Mr. Darcy,” wrote her aunt. “It is him we have to thank both for finding your sister, and for securing the marriage. It must have taken a large sum to convince Mr. Wickham. I cannot imagine where such generosity would come from to make him rescue the poor girl, except perhaps from knowing that he would in turn be helping someone very special indeed.”

  Lizzie read her aunt’s letter so many times that after two days she could recite its contents flawlessly. The part which explained Darcy’s involvement in full was where Lizzie’s attention lingered every time. Not only for the revelation of his help, but also for what appeared to be a bold insinuation on her aunt’s behalf regarding the motive behind Darcy’s actions.

  “Miss Elizabeth,”

  Did she believe that Darcy loved Lizzie?

  “Care to join me?”

  Lizzie coloured at the idea. Could her aunt believe such a thing if she knew the history between them?

  “Elizabeth!” Mr. Milford’s latest attempt to catch her attention finally brought Lizzie out of her thoughts.

  It was early in the afternoon, and the two of them had gone along with her sisters on a walk. Mr. Milford had stopped Lizzie just far away enough from the others that th
ey might have some semblance of privacy. She looked at him now, blushing in shame as she realized where her thoughts had been and how terribly improper that was.

  “Forgive me,” she said. “I was distracted for a moment.”

  “I may not be the most observant man,” Mr. Milford said, “But I gathered that much.” He stared at her meaningfully. Lizzie was about to apologize again when he cut her off. “Look, Elizabeth… I realize this has been a very difficult time for you. And, also that, given our own personal circumstances, I have not had a chance to do this properly.”

  To Lizzy’s dismay, Milford bent to one knee before her. He took her hand in his, and Lizzie could hear several gasps as her sisters noticed the gesture from where they stood. Right then and there, in front of Jane and Mary and Kitty, the Duke of Ausbury spoke out loud the proposal that he had made several months ago. And Lizzie, feeling the weight of all her sisters’ gazes and faced with Mr. Milford’s earnest affection, and having run out of excuses to delay what was undeniably the most ideal match her family could ever hope for, accepted his proposal.

  “I have made preparations,” he said, grinning and encouraged by the cheers of Lizzie’s sisters. “The wedding shall take place next Friday. It’s all set up, so you have nothing to worry about, my dear.”

  My dear.

  Those two words brought back a thousand visions of his father calling Mrs. Bennet “dear” with a disdain that clearly betrayed his regret in a poor match made in the haste of youth. It made Lizzie realize that somehow, she was walking into a life that she had forever hoped to avoid. And this realization was not made any easier as her sisters hugged and congratulated her on her achievement. But Lizzie smiled through it all, and shoved her every reservation away until, that night, alone, she finally allowed herself to shed tears for herself.

  As if by some cruel design, the most painful blow came early the day after Lizzie sealed her fate. It was news that, after much time away, Mr. Bingley -accompanied as ever by the loyal Mr. Darcy- had returned at last to Netherfield.