A Lonely Sky

by Linda Schmalz

  One night during the vacation, Julia put Elizabeth down to sleep, lit some candles and poured the wine. John sensed the green light immediately, but took his time with her, trying his best to make her comfortable. Afterwards, John fell asleep and Julia cried silently next to him. Her tears were not John’s fault. She loved him as best she could, but she wept out of guilt. During lovemaking with John, she thought of Sam.

  Julia closed the wedding album and turned to the pile of miscellaneous photographs. She noticed the envelope of pictures she previously ignored. As she lifted out the first picture, she froze. Sam stood outside Westminster Abbey, a silly grin on his face. Julia rifled through the rest of the photos, old pictures of her time in London. Her heart beat wildly and an ache spread through her body. Each picture brought another memory to open the wound in her heart that would never completely heal.

  Buzz! The doorbell brought Julia from her memories and back to the present. She hurriedly scooped the London pictures back into their envelope and shoved them under an album. Smoothing down her hair, she answered the door, happy to find Kim there, glowing with the pregnancy of her third child.

  “Hi. It’s me, your old friend, the human breeding cow.”

  Julia laughed and invited Kim in. “How was the drive in from the suburbs?” She followed Kim into the living room where they both sat on the couch.

  “Great, once I got here and extracted the steering wheel from my abdomen. This is definitely my last pregnancy.”

  “Thanks for sitting with my kids for a few days. If my dad hadn’t come down with stomach flu and John’s parents were home, I’d never impose on you like this.”

  “Impose away!” Kim said, with a genuine smile. “I like returning to Oak Park when I can. And I know Elizabeth loves taking care of Tommy anyhow, so except for the cooking, I’m just going to rest. Believe me, getting away from my own two kids is a vacation.”

  “Well, I hope to return the favor sometime when you and Chris go somewhere exciting.”

  “Right now, the hospital sounds exciting. Let’s just get this pregnancy over with.” Kim glanced around the living room, her gaze falling on the cardboard table and Julia’s photograph project. “New ambitions, I see?”

  Julia pushed the London photos from her mind. “Just busy work.”

  “I don’t know how you find the time with the kids, working in the nursing home and didn’t you just write a play or something for Elizabeth’s classroom?”

  “Yep, and now the teacher asked me to direct it.” Julia wiped away a stray lock of hair from her eyes. “I’m happy to do it. Allows me to stretch my acting chops once in a while.”

  “With all this going on, did you find some time to pack for New York?”

  Julia excited at the mention of her trip. “Oh you bet! John and I haven’t been anywhere other than small trips around Wisconsin and Illinois. We just couldn’t afford anything else while we saved for this house. How cool of my dad to give us this trip for our wedding anniversary last fall!”

  “Yeah and who knew your dad was so up on opera to be able to get you tickets to the Met?”

  “I know!” Julia marveled at her father’s gift. “Well, he didn’t actually pay for them out of his pocket. He’d never be able to afford giving us this trip and these expensive tickets. But he knows this guy who his company contracts with, and my dad did some private road work for him at his new home in Hoffman Estates and of course, since the guy was a friend, my dad wouldn’t accept payment. So, the guy, who is very wealthy and travels on business to New York a lot, gave him his Met tickets instead.”

  Kim giggled. “I just can’t see your Dad enjoying an opera.”

  “Well it turns out he was going to give us a trip for our anniversary but he wasn’t sure where. So when he got these tickets...viola! I’m going to New York!”

  “Well, I’m sorry your dad isn’t feeling well.” Kim said, kicking her shoes off and resting her slightly swollen ankles on the coffee table.

  “Yeah, he’s sorry to miss seeing the kids this weekend. He could use the rest though. He still puts in a lot of hours at work. That’s how he ended up giving us this trip. He just doesn’t know what to do with his money.”

  “He can send Chris and me away.” Kim sighed and patted her belly. “Of course, it’d have to be Disney. You’d think with both of us having college degrees, we’d have more money, but with kids to put through college and a house in the suburbs…well, New York will have to wait.”

  Julia studied her friend closely. Despite a third pregnancy in six years, she looked happy and well rested. Kim never seemed to age. Her beautiful red hair still curled about her face with incredible shine and life, while her freckles stood out as bright as the day. And a twinkle of mischief still sparkled in those bright blue eyes. “Married life agrees with you. Even seven months pregnant, you still look gorgeous, Kim. You must be very happy.”

  A look of contentment spread across Kim’s full cheeks. “I’m very happy. I married Chris right out of college and never looked back. And you?”

  Julia glanced back at the table. “Mostly.”

  Kim offered Julia a knowing look. She reached over and held Julia’s hand. “Does it ever get easier?”

  “I don’t know. Sometimes. And sometimes it’s so hard. Sam’s so famous now that it’s hard to avoid seeing him on television, movies, magazines.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “This longing just never goes away. I still miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him.”

  Kim squeezed her hand. “I know. What triggered it this time?”

  “I found the photos I took in London when I was with him.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah.”

  The women fell silent for a moment until Kim spoke. “Well, do you want to talk about him or have me completely changed the subject?”

  “Change the subject.”

  “Okay, I have big news.” Kim rubbed her stomach. “Really big news.”

  “What?”

  Kim pointed to her oversized belly. “Twins.”

  Julia’s eyes flew open wide. “Oh my God, Kim! You’re kidding, right?”

  “Nope. I kid you not. Now I’ll have four children, six years and under. You want one?”

  “Um no,” Julia said. “I can barely find time for my own two and work.”

  “I think I’m going to need a nursing home, just to have someone feed me after these two are born.” Kim laughed. “Feeding two children and two screaming infants, I don’t know when I’ll find the time to eat. Of course, however, by not eating I’ll lose all this weight, so I guess there’s a bright side.”

  Julia smiled. Kim made her so happy just by being with her. “You’re always so happy, upbeat and optimistic, Kim. I need to bottle some of that and sprinkle it on me when I’m having one of my blue days.”

  “Have you given any thought to getting in touch with Sam again? I know I’ve talked to you about this before, but honestly, maybe it would help.”

  “No!” Her answer flew out of her mouth meaner than she intended. “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s okay. I was just hinting at that maybe if you resolved this thing with Sam, you could get past the blues.”

  “It wouldn’t make it better,” Julia said, wistfully. “I’ll never be with Sam and that’s what I have to accept.”

  Kim fell silent.

  Julia looked out the window at the warm, spring day. “Days like this are the hardest. They’re so lovely. The sky is so blue and perfect. Not a cloud in it. And yet, I look up and feel lonely, like a part of me is missing. But I do my best to shake it off and go on.”

  Kim patted her hand. “I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do.”

  “Oh God,” Julia said. “I’m so sorry. What a downer I am!”

  “Not to worry,” Kim said, with a laugh. “But I know one way you can cheer me back up.”

  “Anything, dear friend, anything!”

  Kim rose and headed towards the kitchen. “Feed m
e!”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Sam adjusted his bow tie and yanked down his tuxedo jacket as he studied himself in the hotel suite mirror. Not bad for forty-one years old. He credited good genes for a steady, full head of dark auburn hair, and only a few new pounds and wrinkles. Critics and fans agreed that age only served to improve his looks. “Distinguished” is what they now called him. Actors, as opposed to actresses whose career demise began with the first wrinkle, were lucky that way he supposed.

  He stared at his image. He searched to find the happy and charming persona he presented to the media. According to the news hounds, life couldn’t be better for Sam Lyons. With many successful movies under his belt, a career exploding across Europe and Hollywood, and a beautiful, rich heiress for his wife, how could life be better?

  Sam reached for his drink and walked to the hotel window. He drew back the heavy draperies and gazed from his penthouse suite on the early New York evening. How he loved and hated this city. Success brought him here, but his heart begged him to leave. Every trip back to the United States reminded him of Julia. Time failed to heal wounds, and as he marveled at the brilliant New York skyline, he wondered where she was at this moment, what she was doing and whom she was with. Many times over the years he thought to call her, to drop her a letter, but pride stopped him. After all, she could locate him easily enough if she wanted to. Scores of other women did. He wasn’t inaccessible. All she bloody had to do was call. But she never tried, not once in eleven years.

  He closed the curtain and headed to the bar. He would not think of her tonight. Their memories would not mar this wonderful opportunity to meet with old friends and take in the opera. But damn it, he still couldn’t get her out of his head.

  God knows he had tried. After the mini-series, and the worldwide acclaim his acting received, roles became his for the choosing, and without Deirdre’s influence. He immersed himself in each character, and hoped work would help him forget. Yet acting sometimes cut the wound deeper, for he often won lead roles in epic romances and poured his wasted passion for Julia into each character. Ironically, these roles received his highest critical acclaim. Sam shook his head knowing he wasn’t being rewarded for acting, but rather a release of misspent passion. He emerged a very sought-after actor, and a very tortured soul.

  A knock on his hotel room door relieved Sam from his thoughts. He opened the door, welcoming Polly’s old American friends, Archibald, “Archie” Sumner and his wife, Lucy, into the suite.

  “Jolly good to see you!” Archie faked a British accent to the amusement of Sam. Nearly eighty, Archie still enjoyed good health and a wicked sense of humor.

  “Ignore him, Sam.” Archie’s beautiful, silver-haired wife, Lucy, placed a quick kiss on Sam’s cheek as she spoke. “He’s been talking like that ever since we ran into you at NBC this morning.”

  Sam laughed and took their coats. “Drinks?”

  Archie glanced at his watch. “Certainly, old chap.”

  “Archie, enough with the accent!” Lucy offered Sam an apologetic smile. “He’ll have scotch, and I’ll have a white wine spritzer, if you have it?”

  “Of course,” Sam returned the smile. Running into Archie and Lucy this morning buoyed his spirits. Sam had finished taping a segment for Late Night with David Letterman when he encountered Archie, a long time board member of NBC, leaving an office. Happy to run into each other, they visited while Archie waited for Lucy to return from shopping.

  “So how long has it been?” Sam asked, as he readied the drinks. “I’m thinking the last time we met, other than this morning, was at some society gala of Deirdre’s in London?”

  “I think you’re right,” Archie approached the bar. “How is the dear wife?”

  “Fine.” Sam chose not to elaborate. Life with Deirdre deemed tolerable. As long as she could boast the name Mrs. Sam Lyons and remain the queen of London society, she remained happy.

  “Kids yet?” Archie asked.

  “Archibald!” Lucy’s eyes flew open wide as if in horror. “Don’t be so rude!”

  Sam laughed at the pair. How they ever fell in love amazed him. Perhaps opposites really did attract? Lucy upheld to the strictest of social manners while Archie simply spoke his mind with a devil-may-care attitude.

  Sam reached for a pack of cigarettes. “No, no kids. I’m on the road too much to be a decent father and Deirdre is happy playing mother to her toy poodles.”

  Lucy joined Sam and Archie at the bar, and accepted a cigarette Sam offered. “Ruby and Diamond! I remember them! Cute little dogs.” She allowed Sam to light her smoke. “But tell me dear. You’re on the road so often. You must miss Deirdre dreadfully. I am so proud of you two being able to stay together in such a high profile marriage. So many couples seem to divorce at the drop of a hat. Marriage isn’t easy, especially when you’re apart. Here’s to you both for making it work.”

  Sam nearly choked on an ice cube. If only Lucy knew how many times he thought about divorcing Deirdre over the years. After all, the marriage was a sham. Cowardice kept him in the marriage the first few years. He had been afraid Deirdre would make good on her promise to blackball his name and ruin his acting career. But as his career soared and his talent spoke for itself, he realized he could leave her anytime. And yet he stayed. Why?

  Sam pondered this very question many times over the years. He didn’t love Deirdre. But if he left her, what would he leave her for? Being married in the public eye provided a sense of security. Although women constantly availed themselves to him, he simply didn’t need or want any of them. He wanted Julia. And if he couldn’t have her, he’d rather remain married. And marriage to Deirdre opened certain high-ranking doors as she had promised, while a long-lasting marriage deemed him respectable in Hollywood and abroad. His acting and commitment to marriage won him respect. A divorce to England’s most notable socialite could only be labeled a scandal and send his name rocketing into the tabloid headlines. And divorce wouldn’t bring him the one thing he wanted anyhow, Julia. Staying married made sense for his career, and it kept Deirdre happy. And if Deirdre was happy, everyone profited.

  Lucy’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “You must miss Deirdre so, Sam. When Archie goes away on business, I just don’t know what to do with myself.”

  “Yes you do,” Archie said, with a hearty laugh. “And I have the bills to prove it.”

  Lucy whacked Archie playfully on the arm and changed the subject. “I am so happy you have McTeel Manor back from the bank, Sam. We were so sorry when you lost it. I kept thinking about Polly and how sad she would have been if she knew.”

  “That seems eons ago,” Sam answered, remembering those hard times. “But yes, it’s mine and Barnabas lives there.” With the money rolling in from the mini-series, he had contacted the bank that owned McTeel Manor. As no other buyer had shown an interest in the aging home, the bank proved willing to let Sam settle the accounts and slowly buy it back. Barnabas returned to the manor and helped with the upkeep. Sam spent many a day there since, enjoying Barnabas’s company, or sitting in the large drawing room, reading scripts.

  “Would you like to sit down?” Sam said, suddenly remembering his guests and his manners. He came from behind the bar and took Lucy by the elbow. He guided her to a living room chair.

  “Oh Sam, you are such a handsome charmer!” Lucy said, as she arranged herself in the chair.

  “I bet you have women throwing themselves at you, hey, big guy?” Archie joined them in the living room, preferring to stand.

  “Archie!” Lucy shot her husband a shocked look. “Oh, Sam. Tell me you’re not one of those Hollywood types who run around with every starlet or fan who throw themselves your way? Please tell me you retained your dignified English manners? Besides, your wife is so beautiful! How could you even think of other women!”

  Sam smiled through his lie. “Of course I’m faithful to my wife.” Sex kept Deirdre happy. For him, it was a duty to be done, part of the marriage contract, nothing more.
But Archie was right. Earlier in his career he dabbled in the “opportunities” that fame threw his way. Young starlets and adoring fans proved accessible to the handsome, rising star. Yet, even those escapades couldn’t provide the satisfaction he found with Julia. And when AIDS ran rampant through the Hollywood community and Sam saw several friends and colleagues succumb to the devastating disease, he curtailed those extra-marital activities for good.

  “Sam, I’m sorry,” Lucy said. “But you seem miles away this evening. Is something wrong, dear?”

  Sam pulled his thoughts back to the present. “No. I’m sorry if I seem distracted.” He thought quickly. “Just a tad worried how my interview with Letterman went.”

  “I’m sure you did fine.” Archie glanced at his watch again. “We really should head out.”

  “I’ll get the coats.” Sam rose and headed towards the foyer where he previously draped Archie and Lucy’s coats over a chair. “I’m delighted to be visiting the opera. Can you believe that I’ve never been to opera in New York?”

  Archie and Lucy joined him at the door and donned their evening wear. Sam held the door open as they exited.

  “Well, then, Sam.” Archie said. “This will certainly be an evening you won’t soon forget.”

  As Sam closed the door behind them, he heard the phone ring. He chose to ignore it. His agent and Deirdre were the only two with his number.

  Whatever they needed could wait.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Spencer dashed to Deirdre’s home as fast as his car and feet would take him. Her frantic call and the near hysteria in her voice scared him. Over the years, he’d become accustomed to her frequent calls when Sam was out of town. Usually she needed an escort to some event, or a small home repair that couldn’t wait for a plumber or handyman. He was happy to oblige, and often she thanked him with a nice lunch or drink. During these lunches they talked- simple, superficial conversation about his sagging career, her dogs, or the people they knew. Spencer enjoyed every moment with her.