The Void

by Christine Bernard

  “Safe.” I whispered the word out loud and felt it dance in the air around me. The word hadn’t been a part of my life for such a long time, and just saying it made me feel better. I said it again and smiled. The pod might not be the most riveting place in the world, but I liked it in here. The walls were arms wrapping around me. The mother I never knew. The father I missed so much. The friends I’d lost along the way. Tomorrow I’d make sure that little Todd got some walls, too.

  Chapter 14

  Keri

  A hand was moving up and down my arm. I smiled, happy by the comforting way it was making me feel. The hand moved to my stomach, circling my belly button, then slowly making its way down, down, down.

  My eyes flew open, and the first thing I saw was the camera. I yanked up the duvet, turned around, and glared at Jon.

  “What are you doing?” I hissed.

  “Huh?” Unlike me, he had clearly been wide awake. I could tell by the crazed look in his eyes that he always got lately when he hadn’t slept properly. I wasn’t sleeping well either but I was definitely sleeping more than he was.

  “Jon! You can’t do that in here.”

  “Oh come on. You’re my girlfriend. Anyway, you were obviously enjoying it.”

  “The duvet was down. The camera saw everything,” I whispered.

  He rolled his eyes. “They won’t show that on the telly. Anyway, it’s a normal thing for a couple to do. It would be weird if we don’t do that in here.”

  “I don’t care. I don’t want footage of you doing that to me.” I was mortified from what they had already seen. A thought came to me. “You didn’t…you didn’t touch my breasts did you?” I was facing the camera. I’d worn a bra in the beginning, but I’d started taking them off just to help me sleep better. At home I never slept with one on.

  “Keri, calm down. I didn’t do anything.”

  “You were going to though, and keep your voice down. Come on, Jon,” I pleaded. He should know by now how much I hated anyone seeing us fight. That was our business.

  “I can’t help that you’re so sexy.”

  I groaned. “Jon. Stop it.”

  He grinned, and I balked at the sight. Why did his teeth look so weird in here? He’d always had the whitest teeth out of anyone I’d ever known. Maybe that’s why he looked so strange in here. The cream walls and the yellow light were playing tricks on my eyes. Nothing looked vibrant in here. There was a dullness to the room that was depressing. How Jon managed to even think about anything sexual was beyond me. Thankfully he didn’t see my reaction. The last thing I wanted was for him to get all paranoid about his teeth. “I have an idea.”

  “Oh yeah?” I rolled my eyes. “What’s that?”

  “I happen to know of a place that has no cameras.” He smiled in a way I supposed was meant to be seductive. This sort of thing might have worked for me in the outside world, but right now I just felt annoyed. I also had to look away because the only thing I seemed able to look at now were his teeth.

  “Jon, we’re still here for another nine or ten days—

  “Eight.”

  “Whatever,” I said with frustration. Jon insisted time was going by faster than it really was. I decided not to argue about it today. It was probably better if he thought that anyway. I was starting to see all facets of his personality in here, and if there was one thing I wanted more than anything it was to hold onto the happy moments. They were so fleeting. “Okay, so say we’ve only got eight days—

  “We do.” He nodded dramatically as if he were trying to convince himself more than me.

  “Okay, then that’s only eight days to wait until we’re back home. Eight days. That’s nothing. Think about it, Jon. We’ll have a much better time there. I’ll be more relaxed, and we don’t have to worry about anyone watching us.” I reached out to touch his face, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to show him that I was looking forward to this.

  His lips pulled back over his creamy teeth, and I wondered if I’d ever stop thinking of them like that. “Maybe people watching us could be part of the fun.” He laughed when I gasped. “Ke, come on, stop taking everything so seriously.”

  I sighed. Why had I ever agreed to this stupid idea? I hated being on camera. It was why I had become a photographer in the first place. I liked watching other people. I didn’t like other people watching me. I felt so tense in here. I hated that everything we said was being recorded. I’d also watched enough reality shows to know how things could get misconstrued. The producers would probably do anything to make sure they were getting good material to broadcast. Jon was right, the only way to get through this was to keep the mood light. “Okay, you’re right, but no funny business until we’re out of here mister,” I said as cheerily as possible. “How about some coffee? I know a great little café.”

  He chuckled. “Now we’re talking. Coffee would be great. I know that café. I hear the waitress is pretty cute there.”

  I hurried to the bathroom, where I’d left my bra ready to put on as soon as I woke. I felt immediately more camera ready the moment it was on me and a little more ready to start the day next day. I hurried, just in case Jon decided to try and seduce me again, but when I stepped over the sanity line I found him sitting up in bed, his face scrunched up in confusion.

  “Everything okay?” I asked him.

  He turned to look at me, his movements so slow he’d become robotic. His smile was just as slow to appear. I tried not to focus on his teeth. “Yeah, sorry, I zoned out. I keep…” He shook his head. “Nah, never mind.”

  “You keep what?”

  “It’s stupid. Don’t worry.”

  “Ah, not this again. Don’t start a conversation you cannot finish,” I said. It was one of my biggest pet peeves, and something he did all the time. No matter how many times I had asked him not to, it always happened. “You keep what?”

  He leaned back against the wall and pulled up his feet. He looked oddly small from where I was standing, and nothing like the strong man I had always known him to be. “I keep thinking that someone is missing. Like, when you came out the bathroom, I wondered where the other person was.”

  “Who?” I flipped the switch to the kettle and scooped the granules into the cup. I’d abhorred the coffee when we’d first made it, but I now looked forward to it. Even though I hadn’t yet poured the water into the mug, I could smell the coffee fumes I knew were about to appear. It was these little things that were getting me through my time in here. I shuddered to think of what solitary in prison must be like without these distractions. No matter how hard this was for us, it could’ve been a whole lot worse. I gently reminded myself of that and promised to make more of an effort not to let this place get to me. We had food, water, coffee, a shower, a bed and a roof over our head. The place was tiny, but it was still a sort of heaven for those who didn’t have any of these things.

  “I don’t know. Like I said, it’s stupid. It makes no sense.”

  “Hmm. Maybe you’re just tired. You’re not getting much sleep, are you?”

  “Not really.”

  “A good cup of coffee will sort you out,” I said while I carried on with the coffee-making ritual. Sometimes just getting up and doing something normal made me feel better. There were times when the two of us would sit and do nothing, and the unease would grow stronger. I’d feel desperate to do something but would have no energy to do anything about it. It was strange. It wasn’t like we were doing anything to make us tired in here. The kettle took forever to boil in here, and I wished I could time it. Was it really taking so long? Or did it just feel like it? Without a point of reference, it was hard to know for sure. My entire existence on earth felt shifted in this place, and I wondered if I would ever look at time the same way. Back home we were stuck in our ways. Jon always teased me because I liked to do certain things at certain times. Even if I was starving, I wouldn’t eat until I saw the clock turn six-thirty. I was like that with a few things. I thought it gave me a sense of control o
ver time, but I was starting to suspect that, all along, I was just letting time control me. I was not nearly as free-spirited as I liked to believe I was.

  When I made my way back to the bed, I handed Jon the coffee, and realised he had never once made one for me. I’d so far been in charge of doing everything in here, bar go to the toilet for him. I’d never known Jon to lie around so much. At home he was always the most active. The stupid kettlebells mocked us every day now. For Jon they were probably a reminder of how little he was doing in here. For me, it was a constant reminder I’d let him get his way again. I had never wanted to bring them in, knowing full well we could exercise without them. I had so many other things I’d wanted to bring in, but I’d given in to him just to make him happy. I sat next to him on the bed now, the two of us not-so-silently drinking our coffee. You’d think drinking coffee didn’t make much noise, but when it was the only sound in the room, it was deafening. No, not deafening. Disgusting. I heard every slurp and every gulp. We needed to talk to stop us from hearing it, but I could no longer think of anything to say to him without starting a fight.

  “Hmm,” he murmured and I shot him a look. “What’s that look for?”

  “Nothing. You’re just making weird noises. That’s all.”

  “I’m enjoying the coffee. That’s all. What is with you today?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “Hope it’s not that time of the month.”

  I clenched my jaw. Breathe. Just breathe. If we were already starting the day off this way then I dreaded to think what was coming. Was this what Jon would normally say to me back home? It felt like something I wouldn’t put up with, but now I wasn’t so sure. Had all of this become so normal to me that I now no longer regarded the things he said or did as wrong? I had a sudden image of being at home, and watching the show with other contestants in place of us. If there were two contestants on there like us, what would I think of his comment? I knew what I would think. I would think he was a jackass and I would wonder why anyone would put up with him. Was that why I never wanted the two of us to fight in front of people? Was it because I didn’t want the rest of the world to see the things I saw at home? Because I didn’t want to admit I was going out with a guy who would even say these things? Why was I even with him then? I shut my eyes, and tried to transport myself back to when we’d first met.

  I was nineteen the first time I ever laid eyes on Jon. I was also lying on the floor with blood gushing down my leg, and tears rolling down my face. I’d often wondered what I must’ve looked like in that moment. My appearance had been terrible when I’d finally seen myself in the mirror, and by then the blood and tears had been washed clean. We weren’t living in Newton then, but we were both at the age where we were thinking about leaving home. Staying with family had been easier though, but it also meant that we were stuck in Waratah. I sometimes wished I lived back there. The pull toward a more suburban lifestyle was a constant tugging at my heart. Back then though, the only thing I wanted was to get away. Who knew I’d find my way out on that day, a day that had started out so ordinary. I’d been out for a run, determined to get rid of some of the extra weight I’d put on during winter, when I saw a long stretch of road with nobody in sight. To this day I have no idea what compelled me to do it, especially because I was not much of a runner in the first place, but I had a sudden desire to sprint. A minute in and I tripped on who knew what. I launched into the air, and landed ungracefully on the uneven tar. I’d reached out to stop the fall, which hadn’t helped, and ended up with a deep cut on my leg, a broken ankle, and a good few layers skimmed off my palms. I tried to get up, but the pain that shot through my foot was unbearable. So I did what I always did in situations I couldn’t control. I cried.

  That’s when Jon appeared.

  It was like an apparition, so Hollywood-like in his appearance I almost thought I was imagining him. Jon wasn’t the sort of guy I usually went for, but there was no denying his looks. Of course, it was only after that I understood that the soft glow around him was only because the sun was shining right on him as I looked up. Still, at that moment he had been more like an angel than an ordinary boy. He got down on his knees, and told me everything was going to be okay. And, for a while, it was okay. Jon was different to anyone I’d met before. He was strong willed, and sure of himself. He was also the first white guy I’d ever dated, and he was always telling me how much he loved the way the two of us looked side by side. It was all very forward thinking and progressive, and I loved that about us. He looked after me that day, and when he asked me out on a date, I said yes. I said yes to the next one too, and soon the two of us were inseparable. I could still remember the day I took him home. My father didn’t say much, but my mother asked me if I was sure about him. This had both thrilled me and upset me. I’d never been with anyone they had not liked before, and there was something about their disapproval that made me want to prove them wrong. I used to think it was because I wasn’t going out with someone of the same race, but a deep conversation with my mother once revealed that she didn’t think he was good enough for me. I put it down to a mother never truly finding anyone good enough for their child.

  “Don’t worry, Mum. He’s a good guy.”

  “I don’t like the way he acts, darling. He’s…well, he can be a little disrespectful at times.”

  “Oh, Mum, that’s just the way he is. He doesn’t mean it.”

  “Since when is that any way to act?” she’d said. I thought she was old-fashioned, but maybe I hadn’t wanted to see the truth.

  I’m Jon without the h. Man with two N’s. The sentence mocked me. I’d been saying it over and over in my head the past few days. Or was it a week? A day? Hours? Two weeks? I no longer knew. The only thing I knew for certain was that little things were starting to get to me. Things that might very well have annoyed me before, but had been easier to ignore without worldly distractions. A small puff squeezed through my lips.

  “Why do you always tell people that your name has no h?” The words flew out before I could rein them in. I regretted them the moment I said them. They screamed ‘I want to argue,’ which I didn’t. Did I?

  “Why not? Better they get it right the first time, surely? Weird question.”

  You’re weird. “I don’t tell everyone that I’m Keri with an i and not a y.”

  “You should. You’re always complaining when people get it wrong.”

  “Hmm.”

  He had a point, which only annoyed me more. I had to snap out of these thoughts. These two weeks would’ve challenged even the strongest of couples. We were just tired. That’s all. Tired, hungry, exhausted and bored. All the things we hated to be. I used to love these quirks of his. I had always loved that I saw something in him nobody else did. It was as if I were privy to a secret. For years I had stuck up for him, and I had believed we were good for each other. Why was that changing now? Tired. I was tired, I reminded myself.

  The conversation had stopped and we were both sucked back into our thoughts. I was glad my question hadn’t caused another big fight. I’d rather we look bored on the telly, than fight. Although, it did make me wonder about how we were coming across. It shouldn’t bother me, but it did. Maybe I should do something romantic for him. Prepare a little picnic in the middle of the room. There was only so much I could do in here, but even a small gesture might help set us straight again. Jon had gone exceptionally quiet. I barely heard him next to me. Was he thinking about us, too? Was he remembering the first time we met? Was he thinking about whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me? Was he also—

  A pillow flew across the room, and hit the kettlebells.

  “What the hell was that for?” I asked with a hand to my heart. A flying pillow was the last thing I had expected.

  “Sorry. I was just thinking about how much I want to exercise and how much I don’t want to at the same time. Bloody kettlebells were just reminding me of how lazy I’ve become since being in here.”

  I s
ighed. No, he wasn’t thinking of me.

  “Jon, can I ask you a question?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Did you really find that Elton guy funny?” I wasn’t sure why, but it suddenly felt like everything was riding on his answer. That was another thing that had been on my mind ever since we’d met the guy. I couldn’t believe that anyone would really find Elton funny. It said a lot about a person if they liked that sort of guy, and I really didn’t want my boyfriend to be that person. Maybe Jon had just pretended out of politeness. Say no. Say no. Say no.

  Jon laughed. “Strange question. He’s hilarious. Ke, you should watch one of his performances. If you think he was funny when you met him, you’re going to be rolling on the floor with laughter. Proper belly laugh sorta bloke. Oh my God! I just thought of something.”

  That you actually don’t find him funny? “What’s that?” I asked.

  “I should totally do comedy with him when I’m out. He’s Elton. I’m Jon. The two of us were destined to meet.”

  Shit.

  Chapter 15

  Ryan

  I hadn’t slept in a long time. I kept trying, but every time I closed my eyes, I would hear something that sounded like someone was in the room. Either the door was opening, or something would creak or squeak. Larry had told me the mission would be over when he opened that door, so either I was so close to it I could feel it, or I was losing my mind. I wanted to sleep more than anything. I wanted to get pulled into the darkness, and to not worry about anything for a few hours. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life. I’d never been the greatest sleeper back in the real world either, but I’d never battled as much as this. Now, it simply wouldn’t come, and the more I tried to force it, the worse it got for me. I was sitting on the floor in front of the fridge now. I hated standing in this room for some reason, so I’d always walk somewhere and then sit down. Sitting made the room feel bigger somehow. It was odd, but I no longer cared about how I was coming across. I had no idea when I’d made the transition, but I’d gone from caring too much to not caring at all quite suddenly. I peered into the fridge and counted the boxes. Surely I could figure out how many days I would have left by the amount of food left over. There still seemed to be an alarming amount left though, but Larry had said he’d given us extra. Also, I hadn’t eaten much since being in here. My appetite had all but vanished, and I seemed to be surviving more on coffee than anything else. I reached up for the coffee jar. I only had about a fifth of the granules left. I sighed. I’d made a deal with myself that I would consider leaving once the coffee was up, as by then my recommended stay would surely be beyond what Jon and I had decided on. Was that why I was drinking so much? Was I that desperate to get out of here? I was. Of course I was. I hadn’t even showered that day. Or maybe even the day before. My hair was damp on my head. It felt awful, but at least I now knew it was either grease or the horrible shampoo making it feel that way, and not blood. I was a mess. I didn’t look in the mirror at all anymore, but I didn’t need the mirror to tell me what I looked like. I had never felt so low in my entire life. I ached for a sense of normality that never seemed to come. I lay on the floor and closed my eyes. Come on, sleep. Where are you?