Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

  “You say it’s over, but does she know that?” Emma smiled sadly. The cigarettes stopped their circular trip through her hands. They sat poised, waiting for her answer.

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” She watched Emma. She could feel her disapproval and wanted to undo her past—at least the parts that hurt Emma so deeply. But she couldn’t. And she didn’t think an apology would help.

  Emma started twirling the cigarettes again, her disappointment clear. “You need to know.”

  “I turned her down the last few times. She knows something’s wrong. She just doesn’t know what exactly.” At the time, when faced with the decision of “talk to Lonnie or let it ride for another day,” waiting seemed the best choice. Now it sounded weak and uncertain. Was she holding on to Lonnie because she was convenient and willing? She’d hated how much Lonnie strung her along throughout their relationship but understood because Lonnie was married. KC was poaching, and that made her more patient when plans didn’t work out.

  “And why haven’t you told her?” Emma sounded hopeful yet sad, like she was leaving room for KC to convince her but didn’t think it would happen.

  “I was waiting until…” Until what? She couldn’t tell Emma she wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to say no in person. That wouldn’t help convince Emma she was ready for a real relationship. She wasn’t even sure she wanted the pressure of a bona fide girlfriend, but she hated being dismissed, being judged as unworthy. Even if she did deserve it.

  “Until what? You know what? It doesn’t matter. The point is, you didn’t tell her. You left her hanging. I don’t want to be that person with you. It would kill me to feel you slipping through my fingers like that, to know that I love you and you’re just using me until you figure out how to end it.”

  “It’s not like that.” It wasn’t the same. Lonnie didn’t love her. Not really. “Lonnie—”

  “Forget it. I don’t want to talk about Mrs. Truvall any more. This isn’t about her. It’s about you. And me.”

  “Em, stop pacing. Come sit with me again.” She held out her hand. Emma’s pacing was driving her batty. Of all things, she was absolutely certain that Emma belonged with her, beside her. That’s how they’d always been, for as long as KC could remember, save a few long, painful months in high school. She didn’t want a repeat of that separation.

  Emma took her hand and sat again with a sigh. “Tell me what you want.”

  “I…” This wasn’t some chick she was cruising in a club. This was Emma. What she said next mattered. She couldn’t kick into seduction mode and chase her newfound desire. That would ruin things between them. More than anything, she needed to tell the truth, even if she was unsure what the truth was. “I don’t know.”

  Emma nodded and began to stand up. KC held her hand tight. She refused to let Emma walk away from her now.

  “I don’t know what I want because you’re right. I’m a fool with women. And I need to fix that. You deserve better. I love you. I wanted to kiss you last night. I want to do it again. But I don’t know what it means. And if you don’t want me to do it again, you shouldn’t wear that camisole around me.” She nudged Emma’s shoulder, a physical reminder that above all else, they were friends first.

  “You liked that?” Emma’s mouth curved into a reluctant smile.

  “God, yes. I felt like I was seeing you for the first time.” The friendly ease between them shifted and swelled with tension, and the weight of their conversation settled squarely on her chest.

  “I wore it on purpose.” Emma hesitated. “I’m so tired of waiting, KC. I’m afraid you’re never going to figure it out.”

  “So you decided to torture me?” She meant the question teasingly, but it sounded much heavier. For all her uncertainty, this conversation and Emma’s admissions were important.

  “No. I decided to seduce you.” Emma winked and placed her palm on KC’s thigh, high enough up to be distracting.

  She forced herself to focus. Hand or not, Emma said she didn’t intend to allow anything else to happen between them, and KC believed her. “What changed your mind?”

  “Your damn phone. I heard you talking to Mrs. Truvall. And she kept calling. With her picture popping up on your screen every five seconds I just couldn’t pretend she doesn’t exist.” Emma shrugged. “I couldn’t go through with it.” She pulled her hand away from KC’s leg.

  “I really wish I’d talked to her before we came here.” She smiled her very best flirty smile. It usually melted clothes and parted thighs, but Emma had seen it directed at a lot of women over the years. She was probably immune at this point.

  “Me, too. But I’m glad you didn’t, too.”

  “I don’t understand.” If she had a clear end with Lonnie, maybe she would be ready for more. At the very least, she’d be closer to having a grip on her emotions and understanding exactly what the affair meant, and didn’t mean, to her. A therapist would have a field day with her engaging in a “committed” relationship with a married woman.

  “KC, I don’t want to be a replacement for someone else. I don’t want to be a rebound, and I don’t want to be second choice. I want you. But I’m not willing to sacrifice myself to make it happen.”

  “I want you, too.” She wanted to take the words back before they were fully formed, but she wasn’t able to hold them in. Emma had criticized her for letting her libido dictate her motions, yet here she was, willing to do the same thing again.

  “I wish you wouldn’t say that.”

  “Why?” KC knew why but was so very bad at tracking Emma’s thoughts. KC wanted what she wanted. If the want didn’t match up with what she needed, or what was good for her, oh well. Emma suppressed her wants and kept a clear eye on what was good for her. Regardless of what their future held, she recognized the value of Emma’s way of thinking. If she’d thought a little more before she fell into bed with Lonnie, she wouldn’t be picking up the pieces now.

  “Because how do I know it’s real? I need to know, when we take that step, that it’s a forever kind of thing. I won’t be able to go backward. And until you’re really ready, I’m not willing to give up my best friend. It’s easier for me to ignore my feelings when you’re oblivious.”

  “So where does this leave us?”

  “Exactly where we have been.” Emma sagged a little with the admission, but it puffed KC up. Nothing between them was broken. Maybe, if she was really lucky and didn’t fuck it up completely, they could build from here.

  *

  They’d looked at five apartments so far and Emma hated them all. The one they were standing in was by far the worst. Water-stained ceilings, no off-street parking, and the master bedroom seemed to be a converted storage closet. The only thing she liked about the place was the neighborhood. Central East Austin was close to downtown, right off the Interregional highway, and easily within Emma’s budget. Best of all, it was close to Rusty’s and Lipstick24. Not that proximity to her favorite bars should be the deciding factor, but it sure didn’t hurt.

  “I wish I could afford to buy.” Emma had made that statement at every single stop. She sounded even more regretful this time. But a new job in a new city coupled with the current lending criteria meant she couldn’t get financed. Hell, with her employment history, she’d be lucky to qualify for a rental.

  “Rent for a year. It won’t be that bad.” KC peered out the dust-covered window. “Just not here.”

  “Okay. I’m done for today. You’re taking me to dinner.” Emma thanked the property manager and they drove back to their hotel.

  KC almost suggested room service because they’d had a long, overly emotional day stacked onto a night of no sleep. But suggesting they stay in the room seemed too intimate, given the circumstances. She’d worked hard all day to be normal around Emma, to act naturally. All she’d accomplished was a lot of second-guessing and a general feeling of awkwardness.

  “I don’t really care where we eat, but I want to go out afterward.” Emma held up a dress KC’d ne
ver seen before and KC’s brain stalled for a moment. It was small and red and dangerous. Jesus, how many little red dresses did Emma own? The one last night had unraveled KC, and that was before their talk. This one looked shorter and lower cut and even more like it belonged on the floor of KC’s bedroom. If that was her reaction to the thought of Emma wearing it, she was in serious trouble if she actually put it on.

  “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, but you have to wear something else.”

  “Why? This is perfect.” Emma studied the dress. “Don’t you like it?”

  “I like it a lot.” KC nodded sagely. “But I’m trying like hell to be honorable here. And that dress…”

  Emma blushed, her face damn close to the same color red as the dress. “You’ll just have to control yourself, because I like it.” And with that, Emma claimed the bathroom.

  KC gave herself a pep talk while she changed her clothes. She’d managed to make it to twenty-six without treating Emma like a sex bomb. One more night, regardless of what Emma was wearing, was totally doable. Besides, it was time for her to prove, to herself and to Emma, that she was capable of thinking with something other than her sex drive.

  “I’m coming out now.” Emma gave fair warning, then emerged from the bathroom. She hadn’t done her hair or makeup yet, simply changed outfits.

  It was just a dress. Beneath the dress was Emma. Her best friend. Telling herself that didn’t stop KC’s breath from hitching in her throat. “You look beautiful.”

  She forced herself to stay put, to not cross the room. She naturally gravitated to Emma, and their bodies found one another, even in sleep. It felt unnatural to hold herself back, to deny the urge to move closer, to be near Emma. Finally, after several moments of scuffing her boots over the carpet, she gave in. She stopped when she was close enough to touch.

  “Really beautiful.” She wound a curl of Emma’s hair around her finger. It was soft and light, and she couldn’t imagine a world where she wasn’t allowed to feel such beauty.

  “KC.” Emma’s voice trembled. “You’re doing that thing.”

  KC leaned closer and added another finger, trailing the fine strands of hair between them. “What thing?” She whispered.

  “The thing where you look like you’re ready to devour me. I like it too much and I forget why this is a bad idea.”

  She stared at Emma’s lips. They moved gracefully, moist and full, and oh so inviting. She indulged the image. She wanted to move nearer, to bring their mouths together, but she didn’t. She held herself close to Emma, content to inhale on Emma’s exhale.

  Emma mirrored her pose and raised her hand cautiously to touch KC’s face. She lightly traced the lines of KC’s brow and down the slope of her nose. KC closed her eyes and reveled in the touch. Emma was soft and gentle, and KC couldn’t believe she was only now learning this side of her. She felt starved for missed past experiences. Emma trailed her thumb over KC’s bottom lip, a barely there caress. KC inhaled sharply and her heart pounded out a new, insistent rhythm. The only thing that existed for her in that moment was Emma. She was surrounded by Emma, swallowed up by new awareness.

  She took a step back and Emma’s hair slipped from her fingers. If she didn’t remove herself now, she never would. Her strength to resist was waning. “I’m sorry.”

  Emma took a deep breath. “Me, too.”

  KC stepped back again. Maybe a little distance would help clear her head. Currently her mind was filled with all things Emma. “Is this dress part of the seduce-KC wardrobe?”

  Emma looked chagrined, her ears tinged pink. “Yes.” This time she stepped closer. “Is it working?”

  “God, yes.” She sidestepped Emma and made a break for the bathroom. “Which is why we need to finish getting ready.”

  Emma moved to join her in the bathroom. Her makeup bag was on the counter. KC shut the door between them and locked it. She took a shaky breath and rested with her back against the door.

  Self-deprivation sucked. She would much rather be halfway to naked with Emma right about now, but she wouldn’t survive if it was a onetime thing. Emma wanted her, thought she was worthy of seduction. Hope blossomed in her chest.

  This is what it felt like to tell herself no, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it would be.

  Chapter Eleven

  By Sunday evening, the tension between them was thick as Texas chili. After dinner and another night of dancing on Saturday, KC had been coiled tight and on the verge of breaking. Every crappy apartment they’d looked at Sunday morning reminded her that Emma was leaving. Emma still hadn’t found a suitable apartment, and KC was struggling more and more with the idea of letting her go.

  She’d loaded their suitcases into the tiny trunk of the Mini while Emma checked over the room one last time for forgotten items. She was well past ready to return home. They’d traveled nearly the entire five hours without speaking. She held Emma’s hand the entire time, moving her thumb restlessly over the arc of skin between Emma’s thumb and forefinger.

  If she could reverse time to Friday and repeat the weekend without the kiss, would she? Yes. No. Maybe? She’d loved it as it happened, but their relationship went off the skids immediately after that. And it perpetuated the pattern Emma had pointed out. Once again, KC’s clit had twitched and she’d jumped on the impulse before thinking. Only this time she’d jumped on Emma.

  It was high time she owned up to her reckless behavior with regard to sex. She worked hard and behaved responsibly in every other aspect of her life. She attended family functions, including church every Sunday, regardless of her personal preferences. She’d finished her education and returned to Texas. God knows she’d thought about staying in Seattle, but the need to be near her family won out over Tevas and patchouli incense. She found a job quickly in a challenging market and even more challenging industry. She’d worked hard and turned a part-time, flexible position teaching the occasional online class into a permanent full-time position with benefits. Her grandma had entrusted her home to her, explaining in her Last Will and Testament that she believed KC would do the right thing. God knows she’d tried.

  For all the clear-sightedness, KC was a mess with women. When she started the affair with Lonnie, she honored Lonnie’s request to keep it a secret. Lonnie was married and intent on staying that way. To KC’s way of thinking, it wasn’t anyone else’s business what she did with Lonnie. So long as they were discreet and kept their encounters private, no one would be the wiser.

  Apparently, they weren’t as discreet as she thought. The list of people who knew about their relationship was too long to be safe. She hadn’t considered the impact on her family, especially her mama. Now with the secret slipping closer and closer to public knowledge, she felt foolish. She’d behaved like a selfish girl and it was up to her to fix herself.

  Emma drove past the illuminated signboard that listed all the churches in town. Fairmont was a God-fearing town.

  “Emma.” KC spoke carefully. She needed to reassure Emma, but her thoughts were a jumbled mess. “I want you to know how sorry I am for everything. I wish I was a better person.”

  “You’re not bad.” Emma kept her eyes firmly on the road.

  “Maybe. But I’ve been selfish. And I need to sort that out.” She didn’t know how to say that she wasn’t sure of anything right now. She’d been careless and impulsive with Lonnie, but was she poised for a repeat with Emma? She wanted Emma. God, did she. Her body hadn’t stopped clamoring for Emma since the moment she saw her exit the bathroom in those sexy satin pajamas. But was it desire born of exposure and proximity? Last time she’d been alone with Lonnie, she’d been consumed with lust, acting out her baser impulses. What would happen next time she saw Lonnie? Would her feelings for Emma prove true? Or would she be on a repeat of the familiar ride her libido took any time Lonnie came into view?

  Emma squeezed her hand, then released it. She held the steering wheel at ten and two, her grip white-knuckle tight. “I understand.”
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br />   “Do you?” KC played with the frayed inside seam of her jeans. “Do you get that I want you so bad right now I can taste it. I’m used to feeling all turned on by Lonnie. I’m confused as hell because I don’t know what my attraction to you means.”

  “I really, really don’t want to hear about how much Mrs. Truvall turns you on.”

  “Sorry.”

  Emma turned into KC’s driveway. Both porch lights were on and Kendall sat on the back porch. She waved when they pulled up. Emma left the engine running.

  “Aren’t you going to come in?” KC knew the answer before she asked.

  “I don’t think so.” Emma shook her head slowly. “I’m tired.”

  “It looks like Kendall and Trina are still up.” As much as she hated to have her actions dictated by appearances, she wasn’t ready for the third degree from Kendall about why Emma drove off without saying hello.

  Emma killed the engine. “All right, but just for a minute.” She squared her shoulders as she exited the car. Emma faced difficult situations head-on.

  KC reached for Emma’s hand then pulled back. She didn’t always have ahold of Emma, so it would be okay if they weren’t touching this time. Even with her straight back and clear eyes, Emma looked close to falling apart.

  “Hey, you two. Welcome back.” Kendall closed the file she was reviewing and rose to greet them. “How was your weekend?”

  “Frustrating.” Emma climbed the steps and gave Kendall a brief one-arm hug. “I swear I looked at every available apartment in Austin and didn’t find a single one that works for me.”

  Trina slipped out the back door. The puppy followed at her heels. He looked to be completely in love with his new mistress after two days. “Buddy’s finally asleep.” Trina appeared tired, but a few of the storm clouds had cleared from her eyes. Without makeup, the yellowish outline of a bruise was visible on her cheek. She hugged KC first, then Emma.