Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

  Technically that wasn’t true, at least not on paper. The deed had been signed over to KC in the months prior to her grandma’s passing. She’d protested at the time, but the transfer went through in her name only. Her grandma had an agenda, and there was no stopping her even when her health was in decline. Her grandma hadn’t stopped loving her when she came out to her years before that; she’d just shifted the way she intended to take care of her. Kendall and Trina had respectable men to do that, but KC never would. Grandma wanted to fill that gap, and KC couldn’t convince her that she didn’t need a man, or her grandma, to take care of her. She was just fine on her own.

  “She’s right, Trina. But if you don’t feel good about it, you could always move back here with your daddy and me. We have plenty of room.” Her mama reached out and grasped KC’s and Trina’s hands. Trina reflexively grabbed Kendall’s. Every day growing up they’d held hands over the table as they offered thanks before meals. She wished Kendall were closer so they’d be able to close the circle. Still, the contact made KC feel whole for the first time in too long.

  “Thanks, Mama, but I don’t think I could.” Trina shook her head. Where to move her had been a point of little discussion. Kendall ruled out her own home due to overcrowding and their parents’ home for similar reasons. Yes, there was physical space, but the memories of growing up there would close in on Trina just as quickly as Kendall’s noisy children. Moving back to her childhood bedroom, which she left when she got married, would feel too much like a failure. She didn’t need to go there when KC had empty rooms at her place.

  Trina smiled at KC and swallowed. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

  “Good.” Her mama squeezed KC’s hand even tighter and tears streaked her face. “I’m so proud of you girls.”

  They sat that way long enough for KC’s arm to cramp. The angle was awkward, but she wasn’t willing to disturb the connection.

  Finally, her mama released them and said, “Now that that’s settled, tell me what else is going on in your lives.”

  KC filtered through her current life to find something suitable to share. Mama already knew about work. Finals week was a bitch and KC worked hard to keep up. Her living situation had changed, but it wasn’t like her new roommates would be news. KC sure as hell wasn’t going to talk to her mama about Lonnie. That left Emma. Was she ready to discuss how their relationship was evolving? Or was it too new to be sure?

  Kendall spoke before KC could follow her train of thought to completion. “Owen and I are looking at vacation homes in Marble Falls.” What that really meant was that Owen was looking at property and Kendall was looking at writing a check. The two of them had an unconventional relationship by Texas standards. Kendall worked and Owen minded the family and home. Finances also fell under his jurisdiction, and he was a wizard. He managed their money carefully and had a knack for finding the right stock at the right time. If Owen said it was time to buy property, Kendall wouldn’t question his decision. KC respected his financial acumen. Starting with her first professional paycheck, she entrusted a percentage of her earnings to her brother-in-law to invest on her behalf.

  “Why now?” At twenty-six, KC felt a little too young to be thinking about things like vacation/retirement homes, but was still curious about whether the timing was specific to their stage in life or the real-estate market. She could picture herself with Emma, old and gray, and perfectly content to sit on the front porch holding hands. Would Emma like Marble Falls?

  “Owen says we can’t put it off any longer. The market is showing signs of recovery, but housing prices and financing are in the right place still.” Kendall shrugged. She understood more about real estate than she let on, at least the legal side of it. She might not understand market fluctuations, but she sure as hell knew the contract law that bound it together.

  “That’s lovely, Kendall.” Her mama was a homebody. She’d said on more than one occasion that she didn’t understand folks who had two houses. She could barely keep up with the one. But she was still proud Kendall was doing well for herself.

  “Has he looked at Austin at all?” The question was out before KC had a chance to reflect on its origins. Emma couldn’t qualify for financing, so why bother looking?

  “No. Why? Are you?” Kendall raised an eyebrow and smirked. She really was insufferably smug sometimes.

  KC laughed. “No. Emma’s move just has me thinking, that’s all.”

  “Oh, how is Emma? I’ve seen her at church but haven’t talked to her recently.”

  The last time KC spoke to Emma, she’d stormed down the sidewalk to get away from her. She hadn’t seen or heard from her since. She was sure, however, that Maria fucking Gutierrez had stepped in to fill the gap for her. KC cursed her own lack of certainty, coupled with her ridiculous schedule. She could have and should have called Emma after she spoke with Lonnie on Wednesday, but had a million excuses why she hadn’t. Yesterday she’d worked all day until late into the night. Today she’d promised to her family. Not that they’d mind excusing her for a quick phone call. In reality, KC didn’t know what to say. It was a toss-up between Want to go on a date with me? and I love you. Let’s get married and live happily ever after. Both made her feel like she was risking something precious, and that made her feel like she wanted to throw up. Silence was her compromise.

  “She’s good, I think. We haven’t really talked since we got back home last weekend.” The conversation on the sidewalk didn’t count as talking in KC’s mind.

  “Why not?” Her mama’s face displayed more concern than a week of non-communication warranted. She’d witnessed firsthand how miserable KC was when she and Emma weren’t on speaking terms.

  “We’ve both been busy.” KC shrugged. She hoped that answer would satisfy her.

  “That never stood in your way before.” Apparently it didn’t.

  “Yeah, well, I guess it’s different this time.” How much did KC really want to reveal to her mama? She took a deep breath. “I’m thinking about asking Emma on a date.” That sounded innocuous enough, didn’t it?

  “What?” Her mama looked stunned. “Oh, my.”

  Evelyn Hall was not shy about sharing her opinion. She felt it would be unfair to deprive others of her great insights when they were trying to make a difficult decision. Her silence worried KC.

  “That’s it? Oh, my?” KC asked.

  “I, for one, think it’s brilliant,” Trina said with a smile.

  “About damn time,” Kendall added.

  “Yes, of course, but why in the world did you wait until Emma’s moving to have this epiphany? You’re setting yourself up for heartache, aren’t you?” And there was the opinion from her mama that KC had been waiting for. She didn’t much like her summation.

  “Austin’s not that far. We can still see each other.” Her feelings were too fragile to risk full examination, but that’s exactly what she needed.

  “Not only that, but are you sure you’re ready to jump into a new relationship?” For all her pushing KC toward Emma, Kendall chose now to question the timing. She couldn’t have done it when they weren’t sitting at a table with their mama and baby sister?

  “I’m fine.” KC gritted her teeth and sent mental messages to Kendall to shut the fuck up.

  “What are you talking about, Kendall?” Her mama shifted her focus from Kendall to her, then back to Kendall. “Why wouldn’t she be ready?”

  Kendall looked at KC and hesitated. KC spoke before Kendall could. “Because I’ve been seeing someone else. But we recently split up.”

  “Why am I just now hearing about this?”

  “It wasn’t serious.” KC shook her head and cursed Kendall. What the fuck was she playing at?

  “How long were you dating?”

  KC flinched. The word dating didn’t even come close to accurately describing her relationship with Lonnie. “A while.”

  “How long?” Her mama’s voice was clear and concise and left no room for hedging.

  “Abo
ut a year.” KC almost whispered. She couldn’t remember the last time her mama had been legitimately angry with her.

  “A year? Kimberly Carter Hall, I do not like being kept in the dark about the important parts of your life.”

  “It was never serious.” KC tried to explain without explaining too much. “More convenient than anything.” That statement bordered on flat-out lie. Her relationship with Lonnie had been far from convenient most days.

  “Who was it?” Her mama looked like she was inventorying all the known lesbians in town.

  KC closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “She’s not out, Mama.”

  Her mama shot back, her patience spent. “So that means she doesn’t have a name?”

  “It means she doesn’t want folks to know and I’m not going to betray her.” She looked her mother square in the eye, trying to silently communicate that, even though she loved her, she wasn’t budging.

  “Okay.” Her mama nodded. “But don’t think you can block us out of your love life because you’re trying to protect your daddy and me. We know who you are and we accept you as you are. We want to be a part of your life. All of it.”

  KC came damn close to crying at her mama’s heartfelt declaration. It was the closest they’d come to actually talking about the fact that she was gay since she came out. And then the only thing her mama had said was, Are you sure? When KC said yes, she’d pulled her into a long hug and that was that. End of discussion.

  “Thank you.” Her voice was rough.

  “We just want you to be happy, honey.” Her mama held out her hand and KC took it. She squeezed her mama’s palm like a scared little girl, which brought her even closer to crying. Before she could cross the line completely, her mama said, “Bring her to dinner Sunday. It’s time we got to know her a little better.”

  Sunday dinner meant Lonnie and Glen. Introducing Emma to the mix with all the changes in relationship dynamics between her and Lonnie and her and Emma meant complete and utter disaster. “Um, I’ll try. She might have plans already.”

  “I won’t hear of no, KC. You bring that girl to dinner.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” KC answered as a matter of reflex. When her mama used that tone, no other answer would do.

  The sound of the front door opening interrupted their exchange. Her daddy and Buddy were home.

  “Looks like our girl time is over,” her mama said when Buddy ran into the room and climbed into Trina’s lap. “I think we should call it a day. Thank you for your help.” Her mama collected their plates and took them to the kitchen. They were dismissed. On Sundays, the job of cleanup fell to Kendall, Trina, and KC, while her mama visited with her friends. The rest of the week, she didn’t want other people tracking through her kitchen.

  KC took the opportunity to pull Kendall out onto the back porch while Trina was occupied with Buddy and their daddy.

  “What the fuck, Kendall?” Now that she wasn’t scared out of her wits that Kendall would blurt out Lonnie’s name to her mama, she was working up some pretty righteous anger.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.” Kendall looked remorseful, though KC didn’t believe her.

  “Bullshit. You always know what you’re saying and why you say it. You don’t make careless slips like the rest of the goddamned planet.”

  Kendall pressed her fingers to her temple. “You’re right. I was angry. I’m still angry. But I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Goddamn right you shouldn’t have.”

  “I’m sorry. Really.” This time she believed Kendall’s apology.

  “Why are you mad?” She folded her arms over her chest. This was her mess and she was trying like hell to clean it up. She’d ended things with Lonnie. What else did Kendall want as penance? “Do you think I should tell Mama?”

  KC saw that confession as pure disaster, but she’d been weighing it in her mind since her initial conversation with Kendall. Maybe she should just come clean all around and accept the consequences. She deserved them.

  “God, no. That wouldn’t help anyone.”

  “You don’t think it’s the right thing to do? Get it out in the open and stop keeping secrets.”

  “KC, that kind of revelation would hurt everyone around you. It might make you feel better to not have to hide, but I don’t give a damn. You don’t get to break Mama’s heart just so you can feel better about finally doing the right thing.” Kendall put air quotes around the word right. “That would be selfish and wrong.”

  KC threw up her hands in frustration. “Then why the hell did you bring it up in front of her?” She was even more confused.

  “Because sometimes I’m selfish, too. I told you I’m pissed off at you. I’m trying to be supportive, but you were so thoughtless and what? You just get off with no consequences? That pisses me off even more. You shouldn’t be able to just walk away and live happily ever after when you’ve treated the people around you like shit for a year, even if they don’t know about it.”

  “I know.” KC fought back tears. She wasn’t the victim. She was the perpetrator and as such didn’t deserve to cry on her sister’s shoulder and beg for sympathy. She’d done that once and Kendall had been very patient with her, considering. It was time to own up.

  She just hoped her past actions with Lonnie wouldn’t cost her future relationship with Emma.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “I’ll get the bags.” KC spoke quietly so she wouldn’t wake up Buddy in the backseat. After she and Trina left their parents’ house, they’d stopped at the market and picked up a few items. Between the car seat and the grocery bags, KC’s small car was packed. She was seriously overdue for a vehicle upgrade.

  “Thanks.” Trina slid the diaper bag high onto her shoulder so it wouldn’t fall, then eased Buddy out of his car seat. It was a two-door car, so it was an impressive juggling act to get him out without waking him. Trina hummed a low, constant shush, shush, shush in his ear. He squirmed once, then snuggled into her arms and continued sleeping. Next time KC would remember to grab the diaper bag, too. Being a mom wasn’t for the weak or uncoordinated, that was certain.

  Berty jumped at Trina’s legs when she entered the house. He’d been home alone for too long and missed his mistress.

  “You need to get that pup into training.” KC thought animals should be well behaved. That included not jumping on people.

  “It’s a process, KC.” Trina sounded more annoyed than tired for once. It was a welcome change. “Potty training first. Isn’t that what you said?” Trina didn’t wait for an answer. She headed down the hall with Berty at her heels.

  Thankfully, Trina waited until Buddy was tucked into bed and they were putting groceries away in the kitchen to bring up Emma. Trina transferred produce to the fridge and asked, “So, Emma?”

  KC stacked cans of soup and considered her answer. She wasn’t sure exactly what Trina was asking. Finally she used the question as the answer. “Emma.” What else was there to say?

  “Have you told her?” Trina asked.

  KC nodded. “She knows.”

  “And how does she feel?”

  “She…” What if KC said aloud that Emma loved her, but wasn’t sure that she wanted her? The thought of adding breath to the thought made it hurt even more. “Emma loves me.”

  “Obviously, but what does that mean?”

  KC turned so the counter was to her back and she was facing Trina. If the conversation went on much longer, KC was totally cracking the seal on the full bottle of Absolut in the freezer. “It means…” KC shook her head and sagged against the counter. “I don’t know what it means.”

  Trina continued putting produce away—lettuce, broccoli, and apples into the crisper, tomatoes and bananas into the basket on the table. She didn’t push KC for more.

  “It’s just complicated. She says she loves me, but she’s not sure I’m ready. I swear, if I had her self-control, her ability to say no to the things I want, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”

  “She
knows about Mrs. Truvall, huh?” Trina spoke far too casually for that big of a bombshell.

  “Wait. How do you know about Lonnie?” KC was going to kill Kendall. First the crack earlier in front of their mama, and to top it off, she told Trina? Fuck.

  “KC, I have eyes. You two haven’t been very subtle.” Trina faced her fully. “I’ve been distracted, not living in a cave.” Trina hesitated on the word distracted. She’d been so much more than that with all that happened between her and Jackson.

  “How long have you known?”

  Trina shrugged. “A few months.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?” She felt queasy. How many other people knew?

  “Why didn’t you? I figured you’d talk about it when you were ready. Besides, I know who you’re sleeping with is hot news in your life, but I had other things on my mind.”

  Those other things were definitely more pressing. KC felt like an ass. She had been turning her love life into a daytime soap, while Trina was trying to avoid getting hurt in her own home. And still Trina had noticed the happenings in KC’s life months prior, whereas Jackson’s abuse had escalated from yelling to full-on battering, and KC hadn’t noticed anything wrong until it was too obvious to miss.

  “I’m sorry, you know, for not seeing.” KC paused, searching for the right words. “For not helping. For acting like my mini-drama was more important than what you were going through.”

  “It’s okay. I could have told you. Or Kendall. Or Mama. Hell, I could have told Jackson’s mama. She would have put a stop to it, too. I worked really hard to hide it from you.”

  “Why?”

  Trina pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down heavily. “I was embarrassed. And I really thought he’d stop. If I tried harder, made things easier for him…”