by Dee C. May
I thought of what I had said to Jason earlier that night, I thought of what I really wanted to say to her before the night passed us by. I stopped in the doorway, almost colliding with her.
“What?” She looked up, her bangs falling over her forehead. She brushed them back, and I ignored the urge to touch her cheek, wondering, if I confessed everything, what her response would be.
“Nothing,” I lied, holding the door open and following her out into the hallway, then outside and down the path. I had no words that would express my feelings or make it okay.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Wynter—The Watson Estate
Graduation went as planned, though the temperature soared to ninety and my dad threatened to watch the ceremony from the air-conditioned car. Afterward, I packed up my room in a haze of goodbyes and well wishes. Annie, Julia, and I visited my old freshman dorm room, splitting a bottle of champagne and carving our names in the doorjamb above where Abby and I had carved our names four years earlier. I stared around that vacant room and realized Julia was right, just as Beck was. Abby and I had both made mistakes. I had been wrong to let Jason pursue me when I knew they were still together, but beating myself up wasn’t going to change anything. I couldn’t go back.
But that didn’t erase the pain. Annie, Julia, and I said a tearful goodbye in the parking lot, even though Julia and I planned to live together in New York City since I was enrolled in graduate school in psychology there and she was going to start medical school. But Annie was going home to Michigan. We promised to visit, but I didn’t know if it would really happen.
I went home to my parent’s house, settling into unpacking and searching for an apartment. I checked my phone constantly, hoping for a call or email from Beck, texting Julia at all times for reassurance, and ultimately annoying my parents, who threatened to stop paying for my phone. The one email he did send just said he would be back in a few weeks. I found myself despairing of ever seeing him again.
***
I said goodnight to Dad and headed up to my room. He barely registered with a mumbled-back “night.” He was watching baseball on the west coast and would be up half the night. My mom had gone to sleep an hour earlier. I got ready for bed, reading a chapter in my book before turning out the light. A minute later, my phone buzzed. I grabbed it, expecting a text from Julia, but I didn’t recognize the number.
Are you up? I frowned.
Who is this? I texted back.
Dnt u know? My heart started racing. I threw open the window, peering into the dark, and nearly toppled out before I saw Beck perched in the pine tree.
He smiled crooked. “Hey, love.”
“What are you doing out here? Are you drunk?”
“No. Just testing out my new fancy phone and this technology you girls are so keen on.” He held up his hand, the screen on his phone glinting in the moonlight. Keen. I bet Apple never thought of that word as a selling point.
“When did you get back?”
“I just landed in Kennedy. Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
“Stand back.” He ordered and, swinging lightly, propelled himself through my window and landed on his feet.
“Wow. That’s impressive.” He grinned sheepishly.
I hugged him. He pulled back slightly, and I wondered if I’d crossed a line. I returned to my bed, sitting cross-legged. He followed and perched himself on the side.
“How are you doing?” His raspy voice made my stomach drop and do a roll. I had missed him so much.
“Okay. I was starting to think you were never coming back.” He smiled and pushed some stray hairs away from my mouth.
“Be careful,” I warned, trying very hard to sound strict.
“Why?”
“Oh. Well, we’re breaking cardinal rule number one in this house.”
He looked at me amused. “What rule is that?”
“No boys upstairs in the bedrooms.”
“Oh.” His expression turned to one of mock concern. “Do your parents know what you did in university?”
“Shh. Don’t say that.” I punched his leg. “That’s not nice.”
He laughed and caught my hand in his. “Well, should we leave then? Slip out before you get caught breaking this rule?”
“Slip out?” I mimicked in my best fake accent. “Slipping out with boys is rule number two.”
“You better watch it,” he scolded, smiling. “And, I haven’t been a boy in quite some time, so we’re okay on both counts.”
“True. Where are we sneaking off to?”
“Anywhere you like. Coincidentally, I have all night. Let’s go explore.” I hesitated for half a second, then threw a pillow under my covers in case my dad checked on me, even though that was unlikely. Beck exited out the window while I put on a pair of shorts and slipped a bra under my t-shirt. I looked out and saw him below, arms outstretched.
“Jump,” he called. “I’ll catch you.”
I swallowed. “You better.” I dangled my feet out and dropped, fighting a scream. His arms caught me before I hit the ground then set me lightly on my feet.
“Where to? It’s your turf, as they say.”
“I don’t really know. Where do you want to go?”
He stared into the woods and motioned with his head. “What’s there?”
“Lots of trees and an old estate.”
“Let’s go.” We headed for the back. Beck kept us in the shadows as we walked, making sure no one from the house could see us if they glanced out a window. We only lived on one acre, but our house bordered woods and a creek, then the old Watson Estate. The estate used to own all the land but most had been sold off. The manor house still existed on the remaining five acres, but the last owners had moved out years ago. When I was little, I’d tagged along after my brothers as they explored and played war and all sorts of boy things they never included me in. But it’d been years since I’d been out here, especially at night. Beck carried me across the creek and up the hill until we came to the stone wall surrounding the estate. In one leap, we were over. I could see the old stone barn and then, beyond that, the house rose out of the dark; even worn and decrepit, it was still huge and imposing.
“Let’s go in,” Beck said, motioning to the barn.
“Really?” I hesitated, but he pushed the door open. It creaked as it slowly rolled back. It was pitch black inside. It took some time before my eyes adjusted. I finally made out an old tractor, but that was about it. I peered in cautiously, looking for whatever might be living inside.
Beck went first, glancing back at me with a grin as I tentatively followed. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not too fond of rodents and snakes.” He laughed quietly, but the sound bounced off the walls and sounded a million times louder to me. “Shh. We might be heard.”
“By who? The barn owls? You know I can see in here like it was bright daylight, right?”
“Uh-huh,” I lied. I still forgot about his enhanced powers.
“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you from the killer rodents.” He held his hand out, and I slipped mine into it. His skin felt cold today. He told me it didn’t stay the same as a normal person’s, sometimes running cold and sometimes hot and that he rarely felt the temperatures. In contrast, I always felt flushed around him; as usual my heart had kicked into overdrive as soon as he’d appeared outside my window. Beck made me believe anything was possible. I missed that feeling when he was gone. I remembered Galen explaining to me once that what I felt for Jason was not love because love didn’t make you nervous, didn’t make someone want to hurt you and make you cry.
“Where are we going?” I whispered.
“To the roof,” he called back, pointing to the ladder I assumed led to the hayloft. I gulped and kept going, tightening my grip on his hand. The loft was deserted except for one or two old bales and some owls. I shuddered to think of what lived under those bales. I kept ducking my head down, sure a bat was going to land on me.
�
��What are you scared of now?” He sounded amused.
“Bats.” He chuckled as he tugged me across the loft; our movements echoed off the walls.
“Do you think I’d take you up here so some creature could suck your blood?”
“Ha-ha. You always say I smell nice.” I could see his shoulders shake with laughter. He pushed open the loft shutters, leaning out as far as he could go.
“What are you doing?”
“Figuring out a way onto the roof.”
I groaned. I hated heights.
“Now what’s wrong?” His voice sounded further away. It took me a moment to realize he was no longer in front of me.
“I hate climbing. Besides, maybe it’s going to fall down.”
His face appeared upside down in the open space of the loft window. “It’s not falling down. It’s a stone barn. Don’t you trust me?”
“I don’t know.”
He reached down to me with both hands. “Smart lady. Give me your hands, and I’ll have you up here in no time.” I leaned out and saw him kneeling on the roof. Cursing under my breath, I held out my arms. “I heard that,” he said as he hoisted me up next to him. His strength did have its benefits.
“You and that hearing thing.” I bet he could hear my heart going double time.
“Jealous?”
“Maybe. What are we doing here?” I looked around and tried to act like I stood on the roofs of barns all the time. He shrugged out of his leather jacket. I stared at the way his t-shirt draped across his chest. My stomach curled and heat travelled downward. I took a deep breath, trying to think of anything else besides him. He dropped the jacket on the ground, motioning for me to have a seat. He folded himself behind me, laying his arms on either side of my legs as if to make sure I didn’t tumble off, and pointed toward the sky.
“We are doing this. Look up.”
I leaned into him, using him as a backrest. God his chest was hard. I looked up, my breath catching in my throat at the spectacle. The sky was filled with so many stars it was hard to see any blackness. I felt so high up, I thought I could touch one and bring it down.
“Wow.”
“I know. It’s really clear tonight. I noticed it when we were landing.” We sat there for a long time, me leaning into him, silently watching the sky.
“What are you thinking about?” I finally asked.
“That it doesn’t get any better than this.” I sighed, knowing he was right—except for one thing. I wouldn’t have minded rolling around up here, minus the threat of falling off.
“Which constellations do you see?” I asked, trying to distract myself. Despite my dress at the formal, and what I felt were some seriously sexy, take-my-clothes-off looks on my part, he hadn’t made a move. I needed to be happy with just friendship.
“I don’t know. The north star?” He answered hesitantly.
“Whoa, the north star? Go crazy. I thought you had ultra-sensitive, perceptive eyes?”
“You better watch that tone or I’ll leave you up here with your friends the bats and snakes.” I laughed and snuggled into his arms. I felt safe, even on the top of the barn.
“How was your trip?” I asked.
“Okay. I didn’t get as much done as I hoped. Who lives in the house?”
“It’s vacant. There was talk that a developer bought the property and was going to tear it down and cram a bunch of houses in, but it hasn’t happened.”
“That’s a shame to tear down an old house like that.”
“I know. I love this place. When I was little, I used to imagine I lived here.”
“Hmm. So, how’s your summer been?”
“Good. Julia and I found an apartment in the city. I bumped into an old friend and he hooked us up.”
I could feel Beck’s body stiffen a bit. “Really?”
“Yes. It’s downtown and pretty nice and cheap, which is great for New York. We couldn’t afford a doorman building, but it’s in a good location. We’ll be fine. Brian will be there all the time. And my friend lives in the building, too.”
He twitched. I twisted around to look at him. His eyes were averted, studying the sky. “Is something wrong?” I hated when he got silent.
“No,” he answered, his face tilted up like he could get a tan from the stars.
“Are you sure?” I couldn’t let it lie.
“Why do you ask?” He finally looked at me. My heart flipped at the intensity in his eyes.
“Well, sometimes you get very quiet … like suddenly. And I never know what you’re thinking when you do—if you’re here with me or somewhere else.” I could feel my cheeks grow hot.
It seemed like he might explain, but then he just smiled. “I’m here,” he said lightly, drumming his fingers on his knees. I nodded and turned back around, pretending I didn’t want him. We settled into watching the sky.
“Well, don’t worry. This guy lives with his girlfriend, and he says its super safe, and Julia and Brian will be there a bunch,” I volunteered.
I wanted to ask him if he would be there, too, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I changed the topic. “I only like the night when you’re around,” I confessed.
“Why is that?”
“It’s dark. It scares me.”
“Perhaps you just don’t know enough about it.”
“Maybe. What do you hear?”
“I hear the cars on the road and some music your neighbor is listening to. I hear the ball game your dad is watching.”
“Who’s winning?”
“Yankees.”
“Well, that’s good. What about other stuff? Like animals? How are the rats in the barn doing?”
“I can hear that, too.”
I laughed and nudged him, only half believing he was kidding.
We stayed up there for hours, watching the sky and just listening, until dawn finally showed its edges. He deposited me in my bedroom, promising to call in the morning, and then he left.
I snuggled down in the covers and drifted off.
Chapter Fifty
Beck—Summer
I took to visiting Wynter whenever I could, most times at night. Long after her parents were in bed, I crawled through her window like some high school boy, then crawled out with her, traversing the woods and the old estate, oblivious to the rest of the world fast asleep. Wynter’s home was situated in an exclusive and remote area of Long Island, close enough to the city but nestled near the sound on the north shore where once the old blue bloods of New York had their country estates. It was heavily wooded, with twisting country roads.
We lived in a bubble, ranging far and wide in secrecy, separated from everyone else. She told me her plans and hopes for the future, and I listened and yearned for a life I could never have—a world I was not part of. But, for those brief hours, I was allowed to exist within her life, to touch the very edge. When she had been in college surrounded by her friends, I had been so careful about getting too close, and still it had been a struggle. Here, with Wynter separated from her friends and living in her parents’ house, I had a dangerously open accessibility to her, and I reveled in it.
I toyed with fire, I knew. Sometimes, I wanted her with an intensity I could barely control; I had no choice but to distance myself to contain it. I contemplated divulging the truth to her. I knew my actions confounded her—my mercurial behavior and the silences I lapsed into at times when we were together.
But I also knew what I was, of what I was ultimately capable, even if she didn’t, and I never forgot it. Yes, I had done good, found missing persons and brought them home, but I was a trained assassin, and some of my missions fell firmly in the gray area between good and bad. I was a weapon, and a deadly one in the right hands. And I had no idea what my future held, where I was headed and what I would do. Besides, the possible consequences of such a discussion and my unwillingness to lose her made me wait. I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship on the possibility of more when that more had tragedy written all over it. She was starting
graduate school in the fall, and I knew if I wanted her to find love with a normal person, someone who could commit and stick around, someone who didn’t wake in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder over what I had witnessed—which she deserved—I would need to extradite myself from her life. It was a difficult thought to reconcile, and I found myself always making excuses to spend just a little more time with her.
***
The last Saturday before school started, Wynter, Julia, Galen, Hailey, and Sophie came up to my house for an overnighter. I was skeptical about having them stay but my nightmares had decreased recently, and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Wynter before she started school. They came early in the morning dropping their stuff before taking off for the beach. Quinn and I stayed behind, poring over documents Drew had sent. He had a new mission involving humanitarian workers and was still working on the drop into Colombia. The girls returned later that day, smelling of sun block and salt, with stories of lifeguards and beach volleyball.
“Hey?” I was in my bedroom, reading some long-winded government report. Wynter stood in the doorway, her hair blond and wavy from the wind and salt, her face bronzed. She wore my favorite cut-off shorts and her bikini top.
“I was on my way to a shower and wanted to thank you for having us all up,” she said.
I thought of water rushing down her naked body. “No problem. You know that. My house is yours.”
She smiled, her teeth looking so white against her darkened skin. An image of that mouth doing all sorts of things crossed my mind. Damn. My shorts grew incredibly tight. Her body angled, she stopped, peering over her shoulder as if to say something else, but then she turned all the way and left. I blew my breath out. I needed a cold shower.
We went to Clarke’s Cooke House for dinner, and afterward they darted across the street to the arcade. We played the games, collecting paper tickets at each, which the girls cashed in for disastrous gadgets and horrendously colored stuffed animals. They enjoyed choosing the ugliest prizes they could, plastic rings and weird-shaped candy. Wynter picked a purple spider ring, a candy bracelet, and a necklace made from black plastic twine with a pendant of the moon and a star. She seemed especially pleased with the necklace and asked me to tie it around her neck.