Things Forbidden

by Maryam Diaab

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  “Is that enough?” I asked seriously. “I feel as though I don’t know you anymore; you’re so different. Angry, bitter and it seems as if you’re hiding something, so I do wonder if love is enough.”

  “No one will ever love you more than I do.”

  “Are you sure about that?” I asked, boldly challenging him and thinking about Ajani. “Someone could come along and sweep me off my feet, someone who would never cheat on me because he would appreciate just how special I am.”

  “And how do you know that?” He suddenly rose from the couch. His eyes had become angry slits.

  “I don’t know that,” I lied, thinking about the way Ajani had loved me over and over again, thinking about the way we sat up for hours talking about any and everything. “But you’ve cheated on me before, Terrence, and what’s to say you won’t do it again?”

  “I say I won’t do it again. Yvette, you either trust me or you don’t, but I’m not about to beg.”

  “I don’t want you to beg, Terrence. I want you to care! I want you to understand that you have hurt me, and I may never be the same again.”

  “I don’t want to keep reliving the past. We should be concentrating on the future!”

  “Our future together?” I asked, hearing my cellphone ring as it sat on the couch.

  “Our future together, just me and you. Leave everything bad behind us and start fresh.”

  I sighed. I wanted this to be over, but I didn’t think I could end it. Too many years and too many dreams had been put into this life.

  “Your phone’s ringing.” Terrence held my cellphone out to me. Riley blinked on the screen, but to my fiancé it could have been anyone.

  The ringing stopped and I took the phone from Terrence.

  “Are you seeing someone?” he asked, both sadness and accusation in his face. “Have you met someone in Nashville?”

  “There’s no one else, Terrence,” I lied easily.

  He looked at me for a long time and then reached down and kissed me. And again I felt nothing. “I’m going to run to the store. I want to cook up something nice for dinner, maybe some seafood linguini. There’s a new gourmet market near the casino.”

  “Sounds good,” I responded, managing a faint smile. Terrence grabbed his jacket and left, closing the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts, regrets and sadness.

  I opened my phone and redialed the last missed call.

  “Yvette?” Ajani asked, calming me instantly.

  “It’s me.”

  “Where are you? Jordan told me that you took the rest of the week off work.”

  “I’m in Detroit. I come back to Nashville tomorrow.”

  A long silence ensued. “Ajani, are you still there?”

  “I’m still here. I fucked up and I wanted to see you. I need to talk to you, but I guess what I need to say will have to wait until tomorrow.”

  “I miss you,” I said, as confused tears stung the corners of my eyes.

  “Yvette, we really need to talk. I’ll see you when you get back.”

  * * *

  Wendy

  I knew he would be on my doorstep before the night was over, and he didn’t disappoint me. Within an hour and a half of Yvette leaving my place, three heavy knocks at the door got me out of bed.

  “What do you want?” I asked Terrence after opening the door.

  He stalked in and slammed the door behind him. “Wendy, you know what I want.”

  I stood in the middle of my living room looking straight through him.

  “Yvette told me you decided not to get the abortion.”

  “Little Ms. Perfect spilled the beans as fast as that big mouth of hers would allow, didn’t she?”

  “Don’t get mad at Yvette for your stupid decision. We had an agreement, Wendy. What happened to that?”

  “Emotions happened. My conscience happened. I’m carrying our child, Terrence. Did you think it would be that simple to get rid of our son or daughter?”

  “Hell yeah, I thought it would be that easy. Wendy, this baby could ruin both our lives.”

  “Oh, Terrence, please! What this boils down to is your fear that I’m going to tell Yvette this is your baby and not Alonzo’s.”

  “I’m not one hundred percent certain that you’re going to keep this a secret.”

  “I shouldn’t have to.”

  “Are you really going to keep this baby?” Terrence asked, walking closer to me and softening his tone, no doubt to lull me into falling for his madness.

  “Yes, I’m going to have this baby. As scared and unsure as I am, I’m going to have this baby. So where does that leave you?”

  “It leaves me nowhere. I already told you that I don’t want anything to do with this entire situation—more so now that Yvette and I are going to try to fix the way things seem to be unraveling around us.”

  I looked at him skeptically. “You’re completely clueless, aren’t you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I told you that Yvette was cheating on you, and you’re still insisting that she can do no wrong. Terrence, you are completely delusional.”

  “You told me that so I would leave her to be with you.”

  “Keep thinking that, okay, Terrence? We’ll see who the fool is when all is said and done.” I walked over to the door and opened it. My hand pointed to the porch. “Now would you please leave? I’m tired and would like to get some sleep.”

  “I’m not going anywhere until we talk about this.”

  “There’s nothing left to discuss. You made yourself perfectly clear when you threw your hush money into my face. You want nothing to do with me or this baby. I’m not stupid, Terrence. I get it, and if that’s the way you want it, then that’s the way it’s going to be.”

  “I want more than that, Wendy. I want you to swear that you’ll never tell Yvette anything about us. I’ll give you all the child support you want, but if Yvette finds out anything—”

  “Yvette and I have been best friends for a lot longer than you’ve been in the picture. I don’t want to lose her now,” I informed him. “Don’t worry, Terrence, your secret is safe with me.”

  Yvette

  28

  Since my return to Nashville, things had changed a great deal between Ajani and me. The second I entered the baggage-claim area, I saw him waiting for me, his hands stuffed into his pockets and looking as if he hadn’t slept in days. “I don’t want to fight anymore,” he told me, taking my hand and kissing it gently. “Let’s go home.” And that’s what we did.

  On the way, Ajani told me—in as much detail as he could remember—what had happened with Lisa. I wasn’t happy about it; I was devastated, actually. But what could I say? We weren’t a couple, and I was the one getting married. He had every right to see whomever he wanted, but accepting that fact didn’t lessen the pain any less.

  Ajani and I have been practically living together in my apartment ever since. As soon as we entered my apartment that night, Ajani began showering me with kisses and words of love. He told me that “space” was the last thing he needed. He ran a bath and proceeded to wash every inch of my body, as if to make up for his night with Lisa. Afterward we went straight to bed, and it seems as if we’ve been there ever since. That night left no doubt that there was something so strong between Ajani and me that we couldn’t stand being apart. But the same old problems hung over our heads the next morning.

  We’d talked about our issues a million times and had decided that yes, we were in love, but no, a serious, long-term relationship would never work. I could not get past the age difference and Ajani couldn’t stand the fact that Terrence was still a part of my life. So we made a conscious decision to enjoy the time we still had together and whatever happened, happened.

  Of course, we’d said the very same things to each other less than a month ago, but this time it was real. My wedding was four weeks away, and every time I talk
ed to Terrence over the phone, his questions became more probing, more insistent. He obviously knew that something was going on, and I couldn’t help thinking that Wendy had dropped a dime on my relationship with Ajani.

  “Good morning,” Ajani greeted me when I stumbled into the living room wrapped in the beige sheet from my bed. He sat Indian-style wearing purple and gold boxer shorts, his fraternity colors. He was positioned in front of the coffee table, with a PlayStation remote in one hand and a bowl of cereal in the other. It was times like this that the thirteen-year age difference practically screamed at me.

  “Three o’clock in the afternoon is hardly morning,” I said, looking at the clock on the cable box. “I can’t believe you didn’t wake me. I thought we were supposed to go to the mall this morning.”

  “We were, but after I tried to wake you and couldn’t I figured you needed your rest. Especially after what I put on your ass last night.” He laughed before slurping down the milk from the white ceramic bowl.

  I sat on the couch and smiled, remembering the night before. Ajani and I had dinner with Jordan and her newest beau. We spent the evening holding hands under the table and finishing each other’s sentences.

  “My, my,” Jordan chuckled, watching me feed Ajani a piece of strawberry cheesecake, “don’t you two look in love?” I could feel myself blushing, but there was no denying it: Ajani and I were in love.

  When we got back to my apartment, Ajani cleared off the dining-room table and we made love atop it. Then we made love from one corner of my apartment to the next—the couch, the kitchen sink, the wall in the hallway.

  “That was fun, Ajani.”

  “Oh yeah? Because I was thinking about an encore.” He crawled toward me and removed the sheet from around my body.

  “I’m not your age, Ajani; my body needs time to recuperate. Can’t you just wait until tonight?” I moaned as he kissed my neck, my collarbone and then my breasts.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, baby. Take all the time you need,” he said, wrapping the sheet back in place and kissing my lips softly. “I need to finish this season, anyway. You know, I’m in the play-offs right now.” He picked up the game controller again and pushed play.

  I rolled my eyes but said nothing. It amazed me that such an intelligent, athletic, poised and passionate man could spend hours on end creating a fictional football dynasty. And he wasn’t alone in his obsession. A week ago, he paid the cable company to install wireless high-speed Internet service in my apartment so he could play his campus friends and frat bothers.

  “Ajani, you know I’m flying to Detroit next weekend to finalize the wedding plans?” I said, getting up and going into the kitchen. Saying anything about my wedding was to enter extremely sticky territory, and I didn’t like the look on his face when I did.

  He didn’t answer. When I reentered the living room with glass of chocolate milk in hand Ajani had the headset on and was cussing out someone’s defensive line.

  “Baby, I’m hungry,” I said, testing whether he could hear me.

  “I figured you would be. I ordered a pizza about fifteen minutes ago, so it should be here shortly.”

  If he heard the being hungry part, then I knew he had heard the part about Detroit but didn’t want to comment. I honestly couldn’t blame him.

  I left Ajani screaming at the television and went to shower. As I put on marine blue sweatpants and a matching hoodie, I couldn’t help thinking that the time he and I had left was rapidly coming to an end. Every time I thought about saying good-bye for good I would become teary-eyed and be seized by depression. Ajani had raised the possibility of continuing our relationship even after I was married about a half dozen times. As tempting as it might be to engage in a clandestine Southern rendezvous while Terrence was on call at the hospital, it wasn’t realistic, and I just wasn’t that brazen. Marriage was sacred, and there was no way I could continue seeing Ajani after my grandmother’s minister had pronounced Terrence and me man and wife.

  As I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail, I was startled by a loud knock at the door.

  “It’s probably the pizza,” Ajani called from the living room. I heard him walk to the door, but before he could check the peephole, there was another knock, this one much louder. “This guy thinks he’s the police or something.”

  I stood in the archway separating the living room from the back of the apartment watching the man I love turn the lock and then the doorknob. Half naked, Ajani pulled the door open. “Man, I’m sure your boss wouldn’t like to hear about you beating on my door like th—” He stopped abruptly when he saw the person standing before him. Surprise shot across his face, almost instantly replaced with an unmistakable look of loathing.

  “Knocking on your door?” a very familiar voice asked. In full-blown panic, I took one step forward and then two back. “Last I heard this door belonged to my fiancée, but I see that things have changed.”

  * * *

  Ajani

  “I knew something was going on between the two of you,” Terrence said, brushing past me. Yvette stood in the hallway looking as if her world had come to a crashing end. I closed the door, resisting the urge to rip Terrence’s throat out.

  “Is this even legal?” Terrence laughed, turning to Yvette. “You could probably get picked up on charges of statutory rape if his parents found out, Yvette.”

  “I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be,” I said, snatching my T-shirt off the arm of the couch and pulling it on.

  “Look, Terrence, I don’t want any trouble. Obviously, there are some things we need to discuss and—” Yvette said, walking slowly into the living room.

  “There are a lot of motherfucking things we need to discuss, Yvette! Let’s start with why this little boy is answering your door in his underoos, shall we?”

  “Don’t raise your voice in here,” I warned, stepping closer to Terrence and looking down on him. He was about three inches shorter and twenty pounds lighter me. Even though he wanted to come across as hardcore, I could see the fear in his eyes.

  “I’ll raise my voice anywhere I damn well please! You’re standing in my fiancée’s apartment, a month from our wedding, half-naked. How would you react in my situation?”

  “Yvette and I both understand why you’re upset, but you will still respect her and her house.”

  Terrence laughed nervously and then turned back to Yvette. “He’s standing here talking to me as if he’s your man or something. Please don’t tell me this is more than sowing your oats before our wedding. I would like to assume he’s like a bachelorette party stripper who has stayed way too long.”

  Yvette shifted from one foot to the other. I tried to catch her eye, make her look at me, make her tell Terrence that what we had was real, but her eyes were glued to the floor. “I’m sorry, Terrence, but Ajani and I have been seeing each other for a while now.”

  “Yvette, you don’t have anything to apologize for. This guy cheated on you, remember? You, on the other hand, were just following your heart,” I said, wanting this day to rewind itself and begin again, minus the good doctor’s surprise visit.

  “So you have feelings for him?” Terrence’s voice cracked, and I could see his resolve weakening.

  “I-I d-do care for Ajani a great deal,” Yvette stammered, her eyes filing with tears. She looked from me to Terrence.

  “She’s in love with me.”

  “She’s in love with you? So where the fuck does that leave me?” Terrence threw his hands up. “This is crazy, Yvette.” He walked over to her and grabbed her by the arm forcefully. “Get your shit.”

  “What? Terrence, we need to talk about this,” she said, tears spilling over onto her face.

  “I said get your shit! I have let this go on long enough. You’re coming back to Detroit with me, and your little prenuptial fling is officially over!” Terrence yelled, as he pushed Yvette in the direction of the bedroom we had made love in less than twelve hours before. She stumbled and fell to the floor and my mind wen
t blank.

  Before I knew what I was doing, my hands, without direction from my brain, reached out and grabbed Terrence from behind. With greater force than I knew I possessed, I threw Terrence to the floor and stood over him with my fists clenched. “Don’t you ever put your fucking hands on her again.” My body was shaking with anger as I wrapped my hands around his slim neck and began to squeeze.

  Terrence coughed and gagged under the weight of my grip. “Ajani, don’t!” Yvette cried, getting up from the floor and clawing at my bare arms. “Please let him go. He didn’t hurt me. I’m okay. Please don’t do this,” she cried, finally convincing me to let him go.

  “Is this the type of crazy nigga you want to be with?” Terrence asked Yvette, his face slowly regaining its natural color.

  “Are you okay, baby?” I asked, looking at Yvette.

  “I want you to get your things together, Yvette. It’s time for us to leave,” Terrence said in an even voice.

  “I’m not letting her leave with you.”

  “Ajani…” Yvette whispered. “I think you should go.”

  I looked at her, but I didn’t recognize the person in front of me. “You think it’s time for me to go?” I asked, confused. Didn’t I just see him knock her to the ground, and I’m the one she was asking to leave? Something was seriously wrong with this situation.

  “You heard her, man. Leave.” Terrence looked at me with a maddening smirk, and I regretted taking my hands from around his neck so soon.

  “Ajani, we both knew this wouldn’t last forever.”

  I stared at her, but all I saw was the diamond engagement ring waiting on my dresser. I had bought it a couple of days ago because I never believed Yvette would really marry the man that was now holding her hand.

  “I love you, Yvette. Doesn’t that mean anything?” I asked, hating the fact that it sounded like begging.

  “Should I play my violin now or later, Ajani? She asked you to leave, and if you don’t I can always ask the police to escort you to the nearest precinct. You did assault me, and I’m not above pressing charges.”

  “Ajani, please don’t hate me, but we’ve talked about this and you knew—”