Life on Pause

by Erin McLellan

  “My mother,” Niles said thickly.

  “Tell me about her.”

  “No.” Niles glanced up at him, and he had tears in his eyes. Rusty started to reach for him, wanting to make those tears go away, make whatever was upsetting him better, but Niles moved onto Rusty’s lap instead. “Not yet,” he said, and kissed him.

  His tongue was in Rusty’s mouth. Again. And Rusty wanted something with him, though Niles’s mind was a complete roil of messed up emotions and fear, so he couldn’t remember exactly what Rusty had said that something was. He was pretty sure he’d either imagined most of that conversation or blacked out through half of it. To him, it sounded like Rusty wanted a relationship. A boyfriend.

  Niles did not know how to boyfriend. He wasn’t boyfriend material. He was the awkward best friend in a romantic comedy, or maybe the sad gay example in a suspense novel. The one who gets himself offed.

  But none of that mattered now because—tongue, mouth, Rusty. And, oh man. This time Niles was in Rusty’s lap. And Rusty tasted like ice cream and sex, his mouth warming under Niles’s insistent lips and tongue.

  And, yeah, tears were tripping down Niles’s cheeks, and he didn’t exactly know why. Didn’t know if it was the mention of his mother—who he should stop thinking about, like, right now—or how Rusty stared at him, like he wanted him, like it had hurt him when Niles had shut him out. Either way, Rusty kissed the tears away and held his face in his hands like Niles was precious. He cupped the back of Niles’s neck, and a sense of safety unfurled through Niles’s chest.

  He shouldn’t trust this. Shouldn’t trust Rusty. Needed to assert some control over all of this before he flayed himself open for a man who was so much better, hotter, and hipper than him.

  He pulled back, and Rusty gasped, his eyes wide and full of hope. Full of hunger.

  “Play it by ear? But friends, first and foremost?” Niles asked. He wanted to say, Yes, boyfriends! Monogamy forever! But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. To risk it. Friends-with-benefits was safer. Surer.

  “Okay,” Rusty said faintly. And then he ripped Niles’s sweatshirt over his head. It was Niles’s spin class sweatshirt—it reminded him of Flashdance—and watching it flutter to the floor behind the couch weakened Niles’s knees. “Jesus, you look like a sex kitten in those little jean shorts.” Rusty’s voice was gruff, and his hands spanned Niles’s waist.

  Niles stared at Rusty’s fingers on his ribs. He wanted to be a sex kitten for Rusty. Wanted to be so good that Rusty would never get bored. But he didn’t know how to do it like this, in the daylight, without shame.

  Rusty moved his hands to the button on Niles’s shorts. “Is this okay?”

  That was different too: the asking permission, the checking in. Niles nodded and then helped Rusty remove the shorts and his briefs.

  When Niles slid back into Rusty’s lap, naked, Rusty stared at his body, his gaze raking over every nook and cranny, scalding Niles as if every lingering glance were a flame against his skin.

  And Niles, oh, he could have studied Rusty’s face forever. He was so handsome with his big brown eyes, dumb hipster hair, red stubble, lush mouth, and slightly round cheeks.

  “God, Niles,” Rusty whispered before pulling Niles down to kiss him. And this kiss was so different than all the ones before. More passionate, maybe. Or desperate.

  Just more.

  Niles rutted against Rusty in long, unhurried presses, smearing pre-come on Rusty’s clothes but not caring. Because Rusty was touching him everywhere, down his spine and across his shoulder blades, over his chest and between every rib. He circled Niles’s belly button with a thumb and rubbed over his hipbones.

  “Naked,” Niles murmured against Rusty’s lips. “Want you naked too.”

  Rusty started to take off his jeans, so Niles slithered off his lap. Once Rusty was naked from the waist down, he pulled Niles back on top of him, and being completely bare while Rusty was still half-dressed made his head spin.

  Rusty spat into his hand, wrapped their cocks together in his fist, and every thought and fear fled Niles’s brain in a stampede. How had he never fantasized about using spit? It was so dirty, like porn dirty, and was definitely going into his wanking repertoire.

  Niles kissed Rusty roughly, trying to bury the noises he couldn’t stop, and thrust into Rusty’s slick palm. And he was probably doing this wrong, rutting away with no finesse. He surely looked like a leggy freak in Rusty’s lap, but he didn’t care. He yanked on Rusty’s hair when his balls drew up.

  “I don’t want to come yet,” Niles whined, and Rusty slowed the pump of his fist, which did not help stem Niles’s oncoming orgasm.

  At. All.

  “God, check us out. That’s so hot,” Rusty said. Niles rested his forehead on Rusty’s shoulder and risked a glance down. They did look hot, rubbing together and wet from spit and pre-come. Rusty’s dick was pink compared to Niles’s darker skin, and he was hung.

  And everything felt so good. Too good.

  Rusty pumped his fist and twisted his palm across their crowns.

  “Oh fuck, I’m too close. Stop, stop,” Niles begged.

  Rusty obliged, gripping both of their cocks at the base and squeezing. “If you think this is the only time you’re coming tonight, you are sadly mistaken, Niles.”

  Guhhh. Okay.

  “Here, suck,” Rusty said, tapping Niles’s mouth with his index finger and then slipping inside. Rusty’s bossiness lit him up like a football stadium. After a few seconds, Rusty pulled the digit out, and without any fanfare, put the wet finger to Niles’s ass and worked it inside.

  By the time Rusty’s finger was all the way in, Niles was a shivering, incoherent mess. He liked ass play but no one had ever given him that kind of attention. He mostly knew his likes and dislikes from those sex toys he used on himself. Even the few times he’d been fucked, there hadn’t been enough prep to make it good. So this was different. And overwhelming. When Rusty found his prostate, Niles made the most indecent grunt, which Rusty followed up with a dirty chuckle.

  “Definitely not going to last now,” Niles squeaked.

  “That’s okay. Want you to shoot all over me.”

  Double guhhh.

  Rusty loosened his fist and stroked them again. He didn’t fuck Niles with the finger in his ass, just rubbed against his hot spot.

  Niles was a fucking goner. He moaned like a dying animal—real attractive—and came in Rusty’s fist and across his shirt. Rusty worked him like a pro, hot bastard, but he wasn’t complaining because he kept coming in long spurts that grew more intense with each rub against his prostate until he couldn’t breathe or move or do anything but whine at Rusty to “stop, please stop, too sensitive.”

  It was terrifying to be so out of control.

  Rusty released his cock and pulled his finger out immediately, and Niles collapsed against his chest.

  “You okay?” Rusty asked, his mouth pressed against Niles’s shoulder.

  He nodded, and Rusty wrapped him up in his arms until he stopped trembling.

  And that was almost scarier—to be held in kindness.

  After a few minutes, Niles remembered that Rusty’s hand was sticky with come, so he pulled out of the hug to clean him up.

  He didn’t want to use the afghan on the sofa—his grandmother had knitted it—so he licked the come off Rusty’s palm instead, which seemed to be a good choice considering Rusty’s breath got all shaky and uneven.

  Rusty shifted restlessly, and his erection brushed Niles’s hip, drawing his attention down. He probably needed to do something about that, but he didn’t know how to handle coming first. What was the protocol here? He’d never come first in any of his encounters with other men. He’d always been the afterthought, or he’d taken care of himself while the other guy recovered. Sometimes he hadn’t come at all, not until he was home and full of regret.

  Desperate to push those thoughts from his mind, Niles fell to his knees between Rusty’s legs and licked hi
s come off Rusty’s cock too. Rusty seemed to like that—who wouldn’t?—so he decided to show off his skills a little. He’d prove he wasn’t some inexperienced loser who didn’t know his way around a dick. At a young, hormone-soaked age, Niles had realized he had next to no gag reflex. He’d been watching porn and decided to practice blowing a hairbrush handle.

  He definitely knew his way around a hairbrush.

  So Niles swallowed Rusty halfway down, ran his tongue around his ridge until Rusty was squirming and breathing raggedly, and then he pushed Rusty’s cock into his throat. Rusty groaned brokenly, and Niles would have smiled if he could have, excitement fizzing through his veins. Sucking cock normally made him feel slightly dirty and used, but he loved being good at this for Rusty.

  In no time at all, Rusty was clutching at Niles’s hair and holding the back of his neck steady. But Rusty didn’t thrust, which was a novelty, and Niles liked being in control. It allowed him to explore and take his time. To play. He dipped his head and licked Rusty’s nuts, which made Rusty choke off a high-pitched whine. He tasted good down there—warm and salty but with the basic bite of soap. When Niles returned to Rusty’s cock and deep-throated him again, Rusty panted, “Not gonna last.” Niles hummed in acknowledgement and fiddled with Rusty’s spit-slick balls. He was rewarded with splashes of spunk and Rusty gasping his name like a prayer.

  Afterward, Rusty gathered Niles back into his lap and kissed him, and for the second time in his life, the second time in a week, Niles didn’t feel empty after the orgasms were out of the way. Didn’t feel used. Didn’t feel bad. He wanted to sink into Rusty and never let him leave.

  He was going to turn into a real needy asshole.

  This was so bad.

  So that had gone well. Maybe not quite the way Rusty had planned, but pretty good, right? Niles hadn’t exactly jumped on the boyfriend train, and there was the crying thing that had happened right before the orgasm thing, but all in all, Rusty was pretty happy. It was hard not to be, with a naked Niles curled up in his arms, limbs everywhere, and completely asleep.

  Rusty couldn’t stop kissing the top of Niles’s head. It was a little embarrassing actually, and he was glad Niles wasn’t awake to notice.

  But this quiet moment was also allowing all of Rusty’s thoughts and fears to catch up with him, particularly as they related to his sister and Margo. Should he have mentioned Jackie’s job development to Niles before talking him into giving their relationship a chance? Probably, yes. But it was so up in the air. He hoped Jackie would jump at the chance to advance her career. She deserved it. But he had no idea what he’d decide if she did move.

  He had come to love Bison Hills. He loved its hometown grocery store with the outrageously expensive seafood counter, and he loved that his students’ parents stopped him when he was out and about to say hi. He loved his apartment and that it was only a five-minute drive to be free of streetlights and sidewalks and people. And now there was this beautiful man in his arms. Was it crazy to make his decision based on Niles? Was it crazy to hide that he had a decision to make at all?

  He ran his fingers through the hair curling around Niles’s ears. Niles’s cheeks were flushed from sex and sleep, and it felt perfect, like they belonged together. But Niles would bail if he found out about Rusty’s potential move. Niles would do whatever he could to protect himself, and until Rusty knew what decision Jackie was going to make, until he knew what options were open to him, he couldn’t imagine risking this amazing new relationship.

  After about twenty minutes, Niles woke up with a gasp and a flail of his arms and almost clocked Rusty in the chin with a wayward elbow.

  “Hi,” Niles squeaked.

  “Hey.” Rusty ran a thumb over Niles’s cheekbone, and Niles’s eyes fluttered closed helplessly. Fuck, he was hot. “You going to let me take you to bed?”

  Niles glanced away from Rusty and blushed, the ruddy rush to his tan cheeks washing out his freckles.

  “It’s okay if you’re not ready,” Rusty whispered. “This is nice—the couch.” He framed Niles’s face with his hands, distracted by his soft skin.

  “What does taking me to bed entail?” Niles asked. “Because you promised me another orgasm. I don’t want to make you a liar.”

  Rusty laughed a little breathlessly and kissed him. He loved the way Niles kissed. It always took Niles a second to respond, to close his eyes, and then he kissed with a vengeance. Like he needed to get all the sensations in as fast as possible before the gift was ripped away.

  “Whatever you want,” Rusty said against Niles’s lips.

  “You could fuck me?” Niles replied, like it was a question and he wasn’t sure of the answer.

  “Is that what you want?” Rusty pulled back, but Niles wouldn’t meet his eye. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. We can sleep, or, you know, blowjobs.”

  Niles studied him. “I want … I guess, I like feeling …”

  Rusty rubbed his thumbs over Niles’s hipbones, encouraging him to continue.

  “I like your focus on me,” Niles finally rushed out.

  “Okay.”

  “I like feeling like the center of your attention, like you really want me. So I want to do whatever will make that keep happening.”

  That quickly, Rusty’s heart broke for this beautiful man in his arms. “I do want you, Niles. Whatever happens between us, don’t ever doubt that. And we don’t have to do any particular thing. We can just see where it goes. Does that work for you?”

  “On one condition,” Niles said shakily.

  “All right. What’s your condition, cowboy?”

  “You have to take your shirt off. I like the half-dressed thing, but I like you better naked. I want all of your skin to be pressed against mine.”

  Rusty sat back, a little stunned by Niles’s obvious appreciation. He wasn’t self-conscious about his appearance—he was a big guy, and he liked being a big guy—but it was nice to hear Niles’s desire verbalized like that. “Babe, I’ll take my clothes off for you any time you want.”

  Niles grinned, clambered off Rusty’s lap, and walked to the bedroom, his cute ass twitching as he made his exit. After a few seconds, Rusty followed him and stopped in the doorway to watch Niles dig through his bedside table.

  Niles drew out three different bottles of lube, and then started pulling out what appeared to be a rather impressive variety of sex toys. He finally hauled a line of condoms from the deep recesses of the drawer and whooped in triumph, but when he inspected the back of one, he visibly deflated.

  “Out of date?” Rusty asked, and Niles jumped as if he hadn’t realized Rusty had followed him in here. He scrambled to drag a pillow over the toys and then sprawled atop it. Rusty grinned at him, enjoying himself more than he could ever remember, and Niles groaned in embarrassment.

  “You have a lot of sex toys.”

  “And my condoms are expired. That should tell you all you need to know about my sex life.”

  “Let me see,” Rusty said and nodded to the pile of toys now hidden by Niles’s body and a pillow.

  “No way.”

  A dark wave of desire crashed over Rusty. He wanted, needed to see Niles using those toys. “Please,” he murmured, his voice shot all to hell. He prowled toward the bed, and Niles whined.

  “It’s embarrassing.”

  Rusty shook his head. He took his shirt off slowly, deliberately, and Niles’s eyes widened as he sat up, the sex toys spilling around the bed.

  “It’s not embarrassing. It’s sexy.”

  “Yeah right,” Niles said and dragged Rusty down onto the bed until he was on his back and far away from the toys.

  But Rusty wasn’t forgetting they were there. Nuh-uh.

  Niles straddled his waist. “I love the way you look. Like you could throw barrels around and cut down trees.”

  “Like a lumberjack?” Rusty laughed.

  “No. Strong, like you could hold me up. You’re not like a too-cool-for-school douchebag with
his juice cleanses and his CrossFit. I love your body,” Niles repeated.

  “To be fair, I’ve done CrossFit before.”

  Niles smiled sweetly and ran his hands over Rusty’s torso, his fingers trembling as they skimmed over his skin.

  Rusty glanced down at himself. So many of the queer men he knew were hard and muscled and shaved and perfect, and he’d discovered that finding random hookups sometimes sucked. Anyone who thought the queer community was open and accepting for all had never read profiles on Grindr. He’d had his fair share of men turn him down for being husky. It was one of the reasons he preferred to hook up with friends.

  And being friends-with-benefits was normally fine with him. He was pretty good at casual, at being fuck buddies. Being temporary.

  But he wasn’t sure he was fine with temporary when it came to Niles.

  Niles rutted against Rusty’s thigh and kissed his chest and stomach. When Rusty shifted, something cold rolled into his side and he jumped. He groped around until his fingers closed on a heavy glass plug.

  Niles ripped it out of his hands. “Nope!” he squawked and tossed it to the other side of the bed with the rest of Christie’s Toy Box.

  “Niles, gorgeous, it is not embarrassing. Trust me, it’s hot as fuck. Please, please let me see. Let me help.”

  Niles bit his lip and a small pearl of pre-come beaded from his slit. “I’m not sure.”

  “You wanna know what I have in my drawer at home?”

  “Yes!” Niles hissed and thrust against him.

  “I have a fleshlight and a plug. The plug is purple, and about as big around as you. I like to use them at the same time.” Niles writhed, his cock leaving a slick trail on Rusty’s stomach. “And see! This is turning you on! Talking about it is turning you on. It gets me hot too. Knowing you have so many toys. That you like to make yourself feel good … But we can save your toys for some other time. Or never, if that’s what you want. I promise, I’ll make you feel good. However you want me to.”

  Niles groaned brokenly and leaned down to suck on Rusty’s nipple. Rusty’s eyes crossed at the pleasure of it.

  “I want to,” Niles said. “With them.” He jerked his head toward the pile.