How to Be Irish

by David Slattery

  E-mailing Etiquette

  Technology has transformed the way in which we work. For example, computer technology allows many of us to work from home or even to work all night after we get home. Smart phones and e-mails allow us to maintain constant contact with the office in case there are any vital business developments or essential office gossip, even while we sleep.

  There are rules about what you should do when writing and sending company e-mails. First, never use the subject heading because it is unhelpful for your recipient to know what the e-mail is about. Second, always write your e-mail while drunk after lunch. Third, write stuff that you only want the recipient to read, so make it as personal as possible. The idea that the Director of the Heads of Technical Supervisors has access to all e-mails on the server is just an office myth put about by the self-important Technical Department. The belief round the office that the boss has access to all e-mails is just a technological impossibility. I just don’t believe it. Make sure that your title on the e-mail signature is accurate and up-to-date. Put your e-mails on a timer to send between 11.00 p.m. and 4.00 a.m., giving the recipient the impression that you were in the office all night. Finally, don’t open, answer or acknowledge e-mails that purport to be important. Helpfully, the number of red exclamation marks indicates the degree of importance of the e-mail.

  It is accepted in psychiatry that if someone writes to you in capitalised green font they are criminally insane. If you receive such an e-mail, you should leave the building immediately.

  How to Be Stressed

  Promotion is generally confined to those managers who have demonstrated no capacity for dealing with stress. If you really care about your work, you shouldn’t be able to cope. The ideal is to die from a burst blood vessel two rungs from the top of the company ladder. You will be guaranteed a company funeral where your employees will do their best to pretend that they are unhappy that you are dead (it’s in their contract).

  There are several well-established ways of demonstrating an inability to cope with stress. By sticking with these you can be confident of winning the recognition of those above you.

  Carrying out acts in a logical sequence is an indication that you are managing a project well. You could try starting at the end and working backwards. Shredding cheques as they come into the accounts office is also good. Talk to yourself or mutter as you hurry down the corridors. Try to be perpetually red in the face. I used to work with someone who spent all of his time, when he wasn’t attacking his colleagues, apologising to them because he was so stressed. Cool!

  But the best way to show that you are stressed is to be a control freak. If you can’t do your job, do someone else’s. Better still, do everyone else’s. As most of us in Ireland cannot handle our own responsibilities, because of our cultural fatalism, we are more comfortable taking on the problems of others. There are more control freaks per square metre of carpet tiles in Ireland than anywhere else in the world.

  My management superhero idol is the control-freak micro-manager. I find that the most satisfying form of micro-management is changing the toilet rolls in all of the toilets in a secret sequence that you can work out in advance. Start in the women’s toilet in the cellar and work your way up. Next day, you can start with the men’s. The following day, you can work your way from the top down. After that, there is the possibility of starting at the first floor, and so on. The permutations are endless and it is much more satisfying than writing the business plan for the next shareholders AGM.

  Boardroom Rules

  Anthropologists know that the language we use is a vital element in producing group identity. Business, and management in particular, relies heavily on adapting metaphors to the workplace. The most effective metaphors are sporting, nautical and, if under fire, military. If you want to be accepted into the elite group comprising the members of the board, you have to perfect your metaphors. Never refer to your business as an actual business – refer to it as a vessel. In order to mark your coming on board or to avoid being hoisted by your own petard or to prevent the vessel being holed below the waterline, you will be encouraged to paddle your own canoe and put your back to the oar, unless you feel you have to pass the baton. When things get really bad because there is a storm brewing and your comrades are under fire because they have missed the starting gun, it will be all hands on deck. Eventually, after you have manned the pumps, you will be asked to take one for the team because you were flying the flag. Ask the sales people to storm the barriers and to dig deep because they have been playing below par. There is no future, only going forward. You will get nothing done but, with a favourable wind behind you, you may win the day.

  Some of us are like gofers that like to burrow into issues while some of us are more weevil-like, drilling down into issues until we bottom out.

  The Rules of Resolving Disputes

  Anthropologists find it useful to deal with the complex issue of disputes and conflict resolution through case studies, where a selection of disparate examples can illustrate the issues in their real contexts. The Irish workplace is filled with disputes. This is another reason why it is of interest to anthropology. In general, Irish managers hate confrontation. A boss will do almost anything to avoid a scene. Therefore, only the most extraordinary circumstances will result in your being called into the office for a reprimand. A typical example would be failure to turn up for work for six months or knocking a colleague down with your car while they were standing at the photocopier. But if it does come to a showdown, you should keep it personal. This will be to your advantage because the boss will have just read his Guide to Good Management book, which will have advised him not to make it personal. A typical scenario that I was frequently involved in went as follows:

  Me [sitting at my huge mahogany desk with three living plants – work that out!]: Oh, yeah. Come in. Sit down. I, ah, wanted to talk to you about something [embarrassed mutterings about attempted murder].

  Intractable Employee: Did you see the match last night? Liverpool won. They are your team, aren’t they?

  Me: No, they are not. Let’s stick to the subject at hand. Look, this isn’t easy for me but I have to tell you that I am not happy with your performance.

  Intractable Employee: Oh, that’s surprising because I thought you looked like a Liverpool fan!

  Me: What is that supposed to mean?

  Intractable Employee: Never mind. What’s this performance? Are we in a play now? I haven’t been well. I have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Look at the shake in my hand.

  Me: I have to fire you.

  Intractable Employee: You can’t fire me. You have to give me a verbal warning followed by a written warning and then you can fire me.

  Me: I have already given you a verbal warning.

  Intractable Employee: You haven’t.

  Me: I have.

  [Repeat this exchange ten times.]

  Intractable Employee: Liar. You didn’t.

  Me: I did, but to be sure I am giving you another one now.

  Intractable Employee: Okay. So was there anything else? I need to get out of this office. I am allergic to polyester carpets.

  Me: Now you can go, but I need you to improve your performance at work. The whole building is covered with this carpet.

  Intractable Employee [scratching]: No wonder I can’t stop itching every time I come into work. I must look into compensation. I won’t be in tomorrow because I am over at the hospital having an MRI scan.

  Me: Didn’t you have an MRI last week?

  Intractable Employee [sighing]: That was for something else. Christ, what a Nazi. Look at the shake in that hand.

  [Intractable Employee leaves the office, making small talk with his colleagues on his way out of the building.]

  To illustrate conflict in the Irish work environment, I have selected two cases. For The Strange Case of Wrongful Dismissal, I went to the Labour Court to witness proceedings. For The Mysterious Case of ‘the Deposit’ on the Canteen Table, I re
lied on eyewitness testimony, which anthropology treats as scientifically reliable.

  The Strange Case of Wrongful Dismissal

  Once I was asked to be a character witness in a dispute at the Labour Court. A junior fired a colleague for challenging her authority. She said, ‘How dare you question my authority. You are fired.’ Because he had very little experience of the workplace, astonishingly, the employee packed up his belongings and left. Eventually, he was in court claiming compensation for unfair dismissal because, as he said, he ‘hadn’t done anything wrong’. I thought that this was an open-and-shut case until the company produced a very expensive defence barrister. This barrister called our boss of bosses to the witness stand and began to question him in the following way:

  Barrister: Are you the boss?

  Boss: Yes, I am.

  Barrister: What kind of a boss would you say you are?

  Boss: I would describe myself as lacking both authority and competence.

  Barrister: In other words, you don’t know what you are doing.

  Boss: That is correct.

  Barrister: How would you describe anyone who obeyed your orders?

  Boss: I would say that they were an idiot.

  Barrister: Would it then be fair to say – don’t look at him, look at me – that anyone who obeys your orders or the orders of anyone who works for you is an idiot?

  Boss: Yes. That would be fair.

  Barrister: So, if anyone in your company was fired by either you or anyone authorised by you, what should they do?

  Boss: They should just go about their normal business.

  Barrister: Go about their normal business [nods, repeating this twice for effect]. Thank you, boss of bosses. You may step down. [Addressing the gallery] Your Honour, I put it to you that this employee connived in his own wilful removal from work. Just because he was told by this self-confessed idiot or his representative idiots that he was fired, he left the workplace and went home [snorts in distain]. He should have ignored those fools and carried on regardless. He should have waited until he was removed from the building by unreasonable force. His claim for unfair dismissal should be dismissed.

  It was!

  The moral of this tale is, in the extraordinary event that you are actually fired, chain yourself to your desk and wait to be thrown out with disproportionate force.

  The Mysterious Case of ‘the Deposit’ on the Canteen Table

  An informant told me about a disturbance at his place of work, which was a large architectural firm. Just before lunch, an employee shat14 on a table in the small staff canteen. The collective olfactory senses of the queue of architects strolling in for lunch were overwhelmed by the stench of the fresh steaming turd on the table nearest the ban marie containing the Special of the Day. Their appetites were instantly destroyed, so they stampeded back to their desks gagging and gasping for air. With the help of a private detective, the boss quickly determined that the offending act took place just minutes before the official lunch break. However, this deduction did not help him to draw up a list of suspects. But he wasn’t the boss for nothing. He made it known by e-mail that he would be carrying out DNA testing on all staff for comparison with the DNA already taken from ‘the deposit’. Knowing that the game was up, the offender surrendered himself. Just before giving himself up, he destroyed a scale model on display in the lobby with a hammer. He offered as an excuse for his behaviour his inability to deal with stress. He was promoted a few weeks later.

  * * *

  During an extended anthropological trip to Poland, I got a special present from a very powerful and successful former communist woman with occult powers. One day, this woman presented me with a small coffin-shaped wooden box that contained what she described as a magical tie. Lifting the lid, I saw, lying like a corpse on a bed of satin, a battered and stained bright red tie with a pattern of over-sized blue elephants; the kind of tie to take seriously. She told me that the tie, which belonged to her father, would guarantee a very happy outcome if I wore it to a job interview. Some people wear school ties to interviews; I have my magic tie.

  Within a few weeks, I had an opportunity to try out my tie at an academic interview. I flew half way across the world for the interview, to which I wore my best suit, a new shirt and my magical tie, so that the elephants grinned across the desk at the interview panel. I didn’t get the job.

  Once back in Poland, I complained bitterly that it was not a lucky tie but just a stinking rag that was never going to get me a job. The woman who gave it to me wisely explained that she never said that the tie would get me a job; she also said that I obviously had a lucky outcome at my interview.

  If, like me, you have a lucky tie, leave it in your drawer when going to a job interview because very few of us actually want what is good for us. Getting a job that you like would take all the fun out of work.

  7

  Building: Have You Seen My Tec-7?

  When one has finished building one’s house, one suddenly realizes that in the process one has learned something that one really needed to know in the worst way – before one began.

  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

  Archaeology is the branch of anthropology that studies the remnants of past cultures. Ruins are usually the only things that endure from otherwise lost civilizations. These remains are mostly ancient buildings, both the palaces and castles of the powerful and the humble dwellings of the peasants. But archaeology cannot tell us about the attitudes and behaviours of those who originally constructed these buildings. By studying the behaviour of those we hire to put up our house extensions, which are the ruins of the future, we can get some insight into ancient building behaviour, because builders follow long-established habits. The study of Irish builders is a variation on archaeology in that it provides an insight into the nature of our future precious archaeological relics.

  From an anthropological point of view, builders are also an important source of Irishness. Being a builder is one of the most common occupations in Irish life. We have travelled the world as builders. Most of us have a relationship with builders because of our close connections with our houses. In our dealings with builders, we encounter our innermost being.

  Ironically, the property crash in Ireland has brought us into closer contact with builders than at any time during the Celtic Tiger. In the past, when it was impossible to contemplate living any longer with that lime-green colour in the spare bedroom or the kitchen worktop that was absolutely the wrong variety of hardwood, there was no alternative but to find a new house. After a couple of years living with those plaid curtains it was time to move on again. All of this was done at the expense of accumulating bigger and bigger mortgages. The scarcity of credit has made this kind of movement away from the offending décor impossible. Thus, this economic crisis has created an outbreak of house renovations. Instead of fleeing our houses in removal vans in the dead of night, we have started to renovate them. We can actually contemplate painting that bedroom, changing that worktop and, while we are at it, building on extra spaces. In England, one’s house is one’s home. In Ireland, one’s house is one’s house. Once it has been perfected it can become a home, but not before perfection has been achieved, and perfection is always a roll of wallpaper away.

  When both our properties and our property markets collapse, we get the builders in. We also get them in to stick extensions on to the back or sides of our houses that dwarf the original structures. We need huge kitchens to facilitate more eating-in; spacious playrooms that can be used by family members of all ages wielding Wii batons; and – the high point of renovations – the attic bedroom for our smaller family members.

  Would anyone revamp their house just for research? I would. But fortunately I didn’t have to because I was renovating anyway. I, too, am seeking perfection. If you really want to be Irish, build an extension on to your house using Irish builders.

  As an added benefit we might even learn how to become builders ourselves. If you are an aspiring DIY guru, you may
find the rules governing builder behaviour a useful practical guide. No matter how stressed you become, you should remember your responsibility to the greater project. Imagine future archaeologists scratching their heads in five thousand years time as they uncover your unique kitchen–diner, speculating that it must have had ritual significance because it doesn’t look practical to them.

  * * *

  We Irish are famous, especially in England, for being builders, specifically labourers. Our reputation does not lie in designing famous buildings, but in the labour that goes into them. If we had built the pyramids, we would not have been the architects, the Egyptians; we would have been the Israelites. We would have provided the manpower. Besides being internationally famous as labourers, we are also obsessed with house ownership. We would rather own our own hovel than rent a palace. Our obsession with house ownership may be a consequence of our historical lack of possession of the country in general. If our houses are our most precious possessions, then our connection with those we allow to tear them apart and put them back together again is as important as our relationship with our doctors when we find ourselves in hospital for major surgery.

  I won’t be paying attention to the quality of our buildings. Neither am I particularly concerned with what is being built, nor the technical aspects of building, such as the tools, materials and regulations. I am interested in how surviving an encounter with a builder can tell us something about being Irish. Although we don’t have to worry about building techniques, we should take into account that there are carpenters, plumbers, electricians, plasterers, bricklayers, etc., all of whose particular trade-related rules should be noted as variations on a general building theme. By the way, I was able to find a builder, Phil, by carefully following the rules outlined below. I was lucky because Phil is not just a very decent builder, he also helped me with my research. I also learned about Tec-7 from Phil. Tec-7 is the very latest wonder in building technology. It is a glue, bonder and filler. It is also probably nourishing when spread on your sandwiches. It is all you need to hold your entire house together. If it has a hidden flaw, it will definitely be responsible for many future ruins.