The Giant Rumble

by Jim Eldridge

  ‘No we couldn’t,’ said Princess Ava. ‘For one thing, we prefer being out in the fresh air –’

  ‘And cobwebs,’ snickered Robin.

  ‘And, for another, the caravan is absolutely filled with so much stuff, there’s hardly any room to get in it!’

  ‘Yes,’ added Meenu. ‘Surely we don’t need all this stuff?’

  ‘We’re going on a Quest,’ said Milo. ‘We need provisions.’

  ‘Provisions are one thing,’ snorted Ava, ‘but the stuff you’ve got inside there … half of it’s unnecessary!’

  She began to tick things off on her fingers. ‘Horse treats –’

  ‘Horse treats are vital!’ said Robin firmly.

  ‘Punch bags,’ continued Princess Ava. ‘A toolbox, a telescope, torches, wet wipes, make-up, dumb-bells, wrestling outfits, blankets, duvets … ’

  ‘And sleeping bags,’ added Meenu. ‘Why do you need sleeping bags when you’ve already got blankets and duvets?’

  ‘It can get cold when you’re on the road,’ said Milo wisely.

  ‘Lamps,’ continued Princess Ava. ‘Fake tan, Mighty Man Shaving Cream and Deodorant set, lavender room spray … ’

  ‘Cameras,’ said Meenu. ‘Compasses, sunglasses, toilet rolls … ’

  ‘Toilet rolls very important,’ nodded Big Rock as he ran past, swinging punches.

  ‘A pair of folding chairs with cup holders,’ continued Meenu. ‘And whose is that little teddy bear?’

  ‘Little Bob is not just any old teddy bear!’ said Jack defensively.

  ‘Packs of cards,’ added Ava, still ticking them off on her fingers, but by now she had run out of fingers. ‘Boxes of games, spare pants, rolls of rope … ’

  ‘And where did the peace flag come from?’ asked Meenu.

  ‘That’s a long story,’ said Milo.

  ‘Far too long,’ said Robin. He stopped.

  ‘What’s that ahead?’ he asked.

  They all looked. The road suddenly stopped at a narrow wooden bridge.

  ‘According to the map, that is Billy Goat Bridge,’ said Jack.

  ‘That must be why there’s a very large billy goat standing in front of it, barring our way,’ said Milo.

  ‘Billy goats don’t like trolls,’ muttered Big Rock unhappily.

  ‘Why not?’ asked Meenu.

  Big Rock shook his head. ‘Don’t know,’ he said. ‘Billy goats make up story about trolls eating goats. It not true. Trolls eat rocks.’

  ‘Well, let’s see what this billy goat has to say to us,’ said Milo.

  Robin ambled on towards the bridge, but as they drew near they saw that the big billy goat had no intention of moving to let them cross. Instead, he spread himself so that he blocked the way across the bridge completely, forcing the caravan to stop.

  ‘Good day!’ greeted Milo with a broad smile. ‘I wonder if we might trouble you to move to one side so that we can pass over the bridge?’

  ‘No trouble at all,’ said the goat. Then he gave a nasty smile and added: ‘If you pay the toll.’

  ‘What toll?’ asked Milo.

  ‘The fee to get over the bridge,’ said the goat. ‘It’s normally five gold pieces, but as you’ve got a troll with you … ’ the goat sneered as he said the word, ‘it will cost you twenty pieces of gold.’

  ‘I’m afraid we haven’t got twenty pieces of gold,’ said Milo. ‘In fact, we haven’t got any money at all. But we will have once we win the Giant Rumble.’ He gestured at the big letters WWT on the side of the caravan. ‘We are Waldo’s Wrestling Trolls and we’re on a Quest to gather ten Wrestling Trolls for a tournament.’

  The goat shook his shaggy head. ‘If you don’t have the gold, you don’t cross this bridge.’

  Milo looked at the goat, then he shrugged. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘We don’t need your bridge. We’ll find another one.’

  ‘Actually, there isn’t another one,’ said Jack.

  ‘What?’ asked Milo.

  Jack showed him the map. ‘This is the only bridge across this river for miles and miles,’ he said. ‘It will take us days to find another one.’

  ‘And that’s time we don’t have,’ said Ava. ‘Remember, we’ve got a tournament to get to.’

  Milo sighed. He turned back to the goat.

  ‘Look, how about if I give you an IOU,’ he said. ‘We’ll owe you the money, and when we’ve won the Giant Rumble, we’ll come back and pay you.’

  Again, the goat shook his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘We don’t trust wrestlers, and we especially don’t trust trolls.’

  ‘How about royalty?’ asked Ava, and she jumped down from the roof of the caravan and approached the goat, standing as tall as she could and looking very regal, despite the traces of cobwebs in her hair. ‘I am Princess Ava of the Kingdom of Weevil, and I have enough gold in the royal coffers to be able to pay your toll to get across this bridge.’

  ‘Do you have the gold on you?’ asked the goat.

  ‘Well, no,’ said Ava. ‘Like I said, it’s in the royal coffers in my kingdom.’

  ‘Royalty don’t carry gold around with them,’ added Meenu.

  ‘Well, when you get it out of your royal coffers and bring it here, then you can cross over the bridge,’ sneered the goat.

  ‘This is ridiculous!’ snapped Milo. ‘We’re wasting time. Big Rock, pick this goat up and throw it to one side so we can get on.’

  Big Rock shook his head. ‘Not good idea,’ he said. ‘Goats say we trolls are brutes. If I do that, they say that proof we trolls bad people.’

  ‘You are bad people,’ said the goat. ‘You trolls eat goats!’

  ‘I never eat goat, ever,’ protested Big Rock.

  ‘I’ve had enough of this!’ snorted Milo. ‘Robin, move on and knock this goat to one side. He can’t stop us. After all, there are all of us against just one goat.’

  ‘Er … lots of goats,’ said Jack unhappily.

  About twenty more goats had suddenly appeared from under the bridge and from behind trees.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ muttered Robin.

  As the goats began to circle out and surround the caravan, Meenu whispered, ‘I think the time has come for us to make a tactical retreat.’

  ‘It’s too late for that,’ said the big billy goat. ‘You threatened us. For that, you’re going to have to pay a fine, as well as the toll!’

  ‘You’re just a bunch of crooks,’ said Jack accusingly. ‘This is robbery!’

  ‘And we’ve already told you we don’t have any money,’ said Milo.

  ‘Then I suggest you get some,’ smiled the goat. ‘Because you’re going to need it to pay the ransom to free the troll.’

  Jack stared at the goat, puzzled.

  ‘But he’s already free,’ he said.

  ‘Not for much longer,’ smiled the goat.

  And then, before the gang knew what was happening, all the goats had turned their backs on them and …

  ‘Goat farts!’ shouted Princess Ava in warning, and they desperately tried to cover their mouths and noses, but it was too late. As the noxious fumes hit them and enveloped them, they tumbled to the ground, unconscious.

  Chapter Three

  Jack opened his eyes. His head felt fuzzy. He realised he was lying on the grass. He sat up, and he was aware that he still had the smell of goats in his nostrils.

  The others were also waking up: Milo, Ava, Meenu and Robin. But there was no sign of Big Rock.

  The big billy goat called out, ‘We’ve hidden the troll somewhere safe. If you try and attack us, he will come to harm.’

  About ten goats were standing across Billy Goat Bridge. The big billy goat was in front of them, and on a chain attached to one of his horns Jack saw that he had a phoenix, its hollow eyes glaring at them.

  ‘If you hurt Big Rock, you will pay for it!’ shouted Milo.

  ‘No, the ones who are going to be paying are you,’ said the goat. ‘With gold.’

  Ava whispered to Milo, ‘We can’t fight them. They’ve got
a phoenix!’

  Robin nodded. ‘Phoenixes can be deadly. You never know what they will turn into.’

  ‘But we’ve got to get past them to get to Big Rock,’ said Jack.

  ‘I know!’ said Meenu brightly. ‘Limericks!’

  The others stared at her.

  ‘Limericks?’ echoed Milo.

  ‘Yes!’ said Ava. ‘It’s something Meenu and I used to do to try and make each other laugh. If we can get the goats to laugh … ’

  ‘Great idea!’ said Jack.

  ‘Well?’ demanded the big billy goat. ‘What have you got to say?’

  Meenu smiled and sang,

  ‘Robin’s the name of a horse.

  He was very greedy of course

  He ate all the snacks

  That Milo had packed

  And on them he poured lots of sauce.’

  At this, one of the goats began to chuckle. ‘Good one!’ he laughed. ‘Can you come up with an answer to that, old horse?’

  ‘Don’t talk to them!’ ordered the big billy goat.

  But Robin nodded his head, and said,

  ‘There once was a horse called Rob,

  Who would take on any large mob.

  He was a trustworthy steed

  But not built for speed

  But still did a very good job.’

  At this, the goats chuckled louder, and Jack thought he even saw the mouth of the big billy goat twitch.

  ‘I’ve got one!’ said Milo.

  ‘There once was a wrestling pack,

  Big Rock, Ava, Meenu, Robin and Jack.

  The evil Lord Veto,

  They wanted to beat-o

  But will goat farts make them turn back?’

  That did it. The next moment the goats were laughing helplessly, rolling about on the bridge. Even the big billy goat was laughing out loud so much that he fell over.

  ‘Quick!’ shouted Milo. ‘Over the bridge!’

  Milo, Ava and Meenu leapt on board the caravan as Robin hauled it over the bridge, past the helpless goats, who were rolling about, still laughing.

  ‘Come on, Jack!’ yelled Milo.

  ‘Wait!’ said Jack.

  He was watching the phoenix. Jack saw that the hollowness in the beautiful creature’s eyes wasn’t because it was scary and angry; it was there because the bird was miserable.

  Jack dodged one goat’s horns and jumped over another’s. While the big billy goat was still guffawing, Jack grabbed at the chain around the phoenix’s neck. He found a catch, and clicked it open.

  The phoenix let out a cry, spread its wings, and flew upwards.

  ‘Come on, Jack!’ yelled Milo again.

  ‘Nooo!’ shouted the big billy goat.

  Jack ran back over the bridge as the goats began to recover and give chase.

  He jumped towards the caravan and Ava and Meenu hauled him on board.

  ‘Run for it, Robin!’ urged Milo.

  ‘At my age?’ complained the horse, but he did the best he could, running as fast as was possible.

  ‘We still don’t know where the goats have got Big Rock,’ pointed out Ava.

  ‘Wherever it is, it’s on this side of the bridge,’ said Milo. ‘We just have to look.’

  Suddenly a shadow fell over them, and they looked up to see the phoenix hurtling down towards them.

  ‘Look out!’ called Milo in alarm. ‘They’ve set the phoenix on us!’

  Instead, the phoenix landed on the roof of the caravan beside them.

  ‘Thank you,’ it said to Jack. ‘My name is Blaze. I have been trying to escape from those goats for a long time, but even with my fire I couldn’t break that chain.’ The phoenix then turned to Milo and said, ‘Your friend is being held in the Deep Dark Woods. That’s where the goats keep all their prisoners –’

  ‘I hate to interrupt,’ said Robin, ‘but we’ve got trouble.’

  The goats were closing in on them fast.

  ‘If only we could get to Big Rock,’ groaned Jack.

  ‘You can,’ said the phoenix. ‘You set me free. I will carry you to the Deep Dark Woods on my back.’

  ‘But I’ll be too heavy for you,’ said Jack, who was the same size as the phoenix.

  ‘Not if I change,’ replied the phoenix. And then, before their eyes, there was a flash and in the phoenix’s place was a large green dragon.

  ‘Wow!’ said Meenu. ‘That is so cool!’

  ‘Quick!’ said the phoenix. ‘Jump on my back!’

  Jack did, and almost before he’d had a chance to get a firm grip, the dragon had risen into the air.

  ‘Hold tight!’ said the phoenix-dragon.

  ‘I’m trying,’ said Jack.

  He gripped the dragon’s neck and they soared up, and then flew off.

  Jack looked back to see that the goats had caught up with the caravan, and were leaping up at it while Milo, Ava, Meenu and Robin did their best to fight them off.

  ‘Please let them get away,’ wished Jack. ‘Please!’

  Jack and the phoenix-dragon flew lower and lower over the huge green canopy of leaves covering an enormous wood, landing on a large rock. As soon as Jack had jumped down from its back, it changed into a phoenix again.

  ‘From here, we’re on foot,’ whispered the phoenix. ‘The goat camp is just ahead.’

  As they crept through the undergrowth, they could hear the sounds of goats talking amongst themselves. Jack looked from behind a bush. There was a clearing, with about ten goats in it.

  Behind them, Big Rock was tied up securely with lots and lots of rope. And next to him was another troll, just as tied up.

  They circled through the trees and bushes of the clearing until they reached Big Rock.

  ‘Jack!’ said Big Rock, his face lighting up into a big grin.

  ‘Ssssh!’ said Jack sharply. ‘We don’t want to alert the goats that we’re here!’

  Big Rock turned to the other troll. ‘This Jack,’ he said. ‘I told you my friends would come and save us.’ To Jack he said, ‘This Taco Twister. He hates broccoli.’

  Taco Twister nodded. ‘Oh, if only I had a taco, I could get out of here!’

  ‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ said Jack. He looked at the ropes that bound the two trolls. ‘That’s going to take a lot of untying,’ he said. ‘And I’m not sure if we’ve got the time.’

  ‘You haven’t,’ said the phoenix.

  The goats were shouting and charging towards them.

  ‘Oh, for a taco!’ groaned Taco Twister.

  Jack turned to the phoenix. ‘Can you burn those ropes?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ said the phoenix. ‘But what about your friends?’

  ‘You won’t hurt us trolls; we’re made of rock,’ said Twister.

  ‘Trolls like fire,’ nodded Big Rock.

  ‘And tacos. Hot tacos!’ added Twister.

  The phoenix let out a harsh breath … but instead of fire only a puff of smoke came out.

  ‘Oh no!’ groaned the phoenix. ‘The change to a dragon and back must have used up my energy.’

  ‘Try again!’ urged Jack.

  As the phoenix breathed out hard again the goats closed in on them, glowering.

  This is bad, thought Jack, feeling desperate. Maybe I will turn into Thud? he hoped. Perhaps the terrible danger of this situation would be the switch that made him become the huge, raging troll, capable of hurling orcs and giants around.

  But no. There was no feeling that came just before he turned into Thud, no shuddering, no glassy film over his eyes.

  ‘Get them!’ roared one of the goats. Jack found himself knocked down and trampled on by hooves. He looked up to see one goat standing over him, a gloating smile on its face as it lifted a hoof to crash down on him. But then the goat vanished, crashed aside, and instead Jack found himself looking into the face of Robin.

  ‘To the rescue!’ cried Robin triumphantly.

  Now Jack saw that Milo, Princess Ava (in her Masked Avenger wrestling outfit) and Meenu were also there, all gra
ppling with the goats and throwing them to the ground.

  The goats, taken by surprise, began to fall back. But Jack saw two goats turn and aim their backsides at the intruders.

  ‘Watch out!’ yelled Jack. ‘Farting goats!’

  The two goats let off their noxious gases but, as they did so, the phoenix made another desperate attempt to breathe fire, and this time his hot breath ignited … and suddenly the gas from the goats exploded into flame.

  BOOM!

  The ball of flame enveloped Big Rock and Taco Twister and, as the smoke cloud cleared, Jack saw the two trolls lurch to their feet and flex their muscles and the ropes, already blackened and partly burnt through, snapped and fell away.

  Immediately, Big Rock and Taco Twister waded into the battle.

  Jack turned, looking for Milo and the others, and was shocked to see that four goats had got hold of Meenu in their powerful jaws and were pulling her in four different directions.

  Milo, Robin and Ava, the Masked Avenger, were overwhelmed by the sheer number of goats that had come to the attack; and Big Rock and Taco Twister were also under siege as yet more goats appeared from different hiding places.

  As Jack watched Meenu struggle and cry out, a sense of fury filled him at the unfairness and the cruelty of what the goats were doing. They had been horrible bullies the whole time. He strode towards the four goats and reached out, grabbed one, lifted it up … and kept lifting it.

  Suddenly he realised that he had become very tall, and as he lifted the frightened goat up and threw it high into a nearby tree, he had become very strong.

  ‘GRAAARRRRR!!!!’

  The other goats holding Meenu looked up at him, and their mouths opened in shock and horror, releasing her to fall to the ground.

  ‘Thank you, Thud!’ she said as she got to her feet.

  The giant troll, Thud, growled and reached out to grab the other goats, but the goats had turned and fled, running off as fast as their hooves would carry them. The rest of the goats also decided to abandon the attack at the sudden appearance of this huge troll in their midst.

  Within minutes, the Deep Dark Woods were clear of goats.