by True, Holli
“I think you do, too.”
She sighed heavily before returning her eyes to mine. “I’m just torn. On one hand, I feel this need to protect her from the possibility of him turning on her, just like he did with me. But on the other hand, I feel this need to protect his reputation, just in case last night really was a fluke thing and he holds true to his word.”
“Do you really believe last night was a fluke, Hailey? Because I don’t. Not for one second.”
“I know you don’t like Matt,” she said, evading my question.
“You’re right, I don’t,” I said flatly. “I think you’d be doing Shayne a favor by letting her know the truth about last night. Don’t protect him.”
Hailey frowned, saying nothing.
“What he did to you was wrong and I can’t let it go that easily. I can’t get what I saw out of my head.” I took a step forward, uncertain if she would take a step back, but she didn’t. “I know you want me to give him a second chance, but that just isn’t possible. I’m sorry.”
She bit her bottom lip as she contemplated her next statement, “Can you please just attempt to keep things civil with him? For me?”
I inhaled, considering her request. “For you— yes.” I would attempt to be on my best behavior until Matt gave me a reason not to. But based on what I knew about him already and his track record, I doubted I would have to keep up with the charade for long.
. . .
“Did you realize college would mean spending countless hours in a library?”
I glanced up from the book I was reading, surprised to see Charlie, the library hipster, sitting across from me. It didn’t take long for me to ponder his question. “Actually, yeah. I guess I kind of did,” I said with a half smile.
His eyebrows shot up, looking surprised. “Maybe I’m crazy, but I didn’t expect to live here.”
“I definitely hear that,” I said, leaning over the table, folding my arms underneath me. “But I haven’t seen you around here lately.”
“The flu,” he said with a grin, pumping his fist in the air. “Best week of my life.”
He wasn’t joking, but I laughed anyway.
“Hey, it got me out of this hellhole. That’s something, right?” He ran a hand over his red beanie, sliding it down and then pushing it right back to the place it had previously been. “Actually, I think that’s my problem. I had a break from this place and now I hate being here even more than before.”
“Well, at least you only have two more years, right?”
“Don’t remind me,” he said, glancing out the window.
“It could be worse,” I offered.
He considered my response. “Ahh, so you’re a glass-half-full kind of guy. Gotcha.”
“In some ways, maybe.”
“Well, I guess that’s refreshing, or whatever.”
“Wow, you’re pretty melodramatic this morning.”
“Can you feel my angst?” he asked, finally smiling.
We both laughed.
“I just annoyed myself,” he said, looking appalled. “Next time just punch me in the jaw to shut me up.”
“I was trying to let you have your moment, but next time, I think I will,” I joked.
He sat back in his chair, sucking air in through his teeth. “I don’t know, man. I’m just getting restless. Being cooped up here all of the time is making me stir crazy.”
“I think we all get that way from time to time. It’s normal.”
Charlie looked away briefly before slowly nodding. “I guess. What other option do I have, right?” He leaned forward on his knees, glancing around the room. “How’s your girl?”
My eyebrows shot up instantly. I wasn’t surprised by the subject change, just the topic he had decided to veer into. Not that I was complaining or anything. “Hailey?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders, smiling at the thought of her. “She’s amazing.”
“With that kind of a reaction, I believe you,” he said, laughing to himself. “Tell me about her. What’s she like?”
“What do you want to know?”
“Amuse me.”
I considered his request for a moment. There were so many things I could say about her, I didn’t even know where to begin. “She’s beautiful, smart, caring, funny, talented. I could keep going, but I think you got the picture.”
“Clear as day.”
“I don’t know, there’s something about the way she looks at me,” I continued, trying to find the right words to describe what I was trying to say. “She’s doesn’t just look at me, it’s like she actually sees me. And that matters.”
I fell silent, thinking about her. Then I heard him snicker. I looked up to see the smirk he was wearing as he stared back at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said coolly. “You were saying?”
“Right,” I muttered, regaining my train of thought. “She challenges me. I think that’s one of the things I like most about her,” I said, pressing my palms together. “She doesn’t let me get away with anything, she calls me out and won’t take any crap. I respect that about her.”
“That’s an understatement,” Charlie muttered under his breath, grinning from ear to ear.
I met his eyes, not knowing how to take his comment. “What does that mean?”
“Come on, man! I think you and I can agree this isn’t about how much you respect her.”
“But I do respect her,” I said firmly. I didn’t like what he was implying, so I felt the need to set him straight on the matter.
His smile quickly faded. “That’s not what I was getting at,” he said defensively. “Trust me, I don’t doubt that at all.”
“Then what are you getting at?”
He looked at me expectantly, “Really?”
“What?”
“Please tell me you see what’s really going on.”
My jaw twitched, but I said nothing.
“Wow,” he said slowly, looking taken aback. “You really don’t see it, do you?”
“What are you talking about?” I demanded, exasperated by the holes in our conversation.
He leaned in closer, his eyes intently on mine. “Stop fooling yourself, Jonah. Recognize what’s really happening and accept it,” he said flatly. “Or, at the very least, acknowledge it.”
I shifted uncomfortably.
“This isn’t about hanging out, stealing glances and staging casual run-ins so you can flirt with her. At least it isn’t anymore. Admit it.”
But I didn’t want to because admitting it would mean he was right. That everything that was going on between Hailey and I wasn’t so innocent and harmless anymore. That it had become something much deeper and much more dangerous. And that it wouldn’t be so easy for me to walk away from it all.
Even though, in the end, I would have to.
- 7 -
for you
HAILEY
Rebecca shook her head and held up her hand, stopping me mid-sentence. “So you’re saying he just randomly showed up during your date with Matt?”
“It wasn’t a date,” I corrected her, holding my finger up. She couldn’t seem to let that fact resonate.
Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said, disregarding the small detail as though it didn’t matter in the least to her. “You don’t find it even a little odd that Jonah would know where you are without even telling him?” she asked as she wiped off the last vacant table in the cafe. We had been closed for more than twenty minutes now, our closing tasks were taking longer than normal due to the dissection of Jonah.
“He didn’t know,” I replied, “it was a total coincidence.” I looked up just in time to see Rebecca make a funny face. I shifted uncomfortably and returned my attention to the espresso machine I had spent the past ten minutes cleaning. “He didn’t know,” I insisted, beneath my breath.
“Let me make sure I’ve got this straight,” she pursed her lips for a moment, running a hand through her loose curls. “First he admits he
was following you to the cemetery— which is creepy— and then the next night he crashes your date?”
“Not a date,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Stalk much?” Rebecca concluded.
I ignored her. “Look, he didn’t follow me to the cemetery, okay? He saw me leave the library, it was late and he wanted to make sure I made it back to my dorm.” I was now regretting my decision to leave out a large portion of the story in regards to Matt and his drunken stupor and overzealous advances. Hearing the way she was replaying the story did make Jonah seem like a stalker, but the reality had played out completely different. More than that, I was regretting sharing my excitement over Jonah at all.
“I don’t know, Hailey. Something just doesn’t add up,” Rebecca said, shrugging her shoulders.
“Really?” I couldn’t believe her. “I have been nothing but supportive of the guys you’ve dated and let’s not forget that there were some horrific losers in the bunch. Call me crazy, but I kind of expected some support from you.”
“This is me, supporting you!” she laughed. “So, what else is wrong with him?”
I started to laugh, as though she was joking, but she was serious. I exhaled heavily and buried my head in my hands, “Poor Jonah. I mean, give the guy a break. I don’t get it. All you’ve done is press and push me to find a guy. And then I do and you suddenly feel the need to pick him apart?”
“There are a million things right with him,” she tried to assure me. “I mean, he’s gorgeous, obviously, great body, killer charm... I’d date him. But there has to be a fault somewhere. I don’t buy the whole flawless act. Sorry.”
I didn’t by any means think that Jonah was perfect, though I couldn’t necessarily offer up an obvious flaw to let their minds rest. There was so much left to learn about him, so many things I didn’t know. Things that reveal themselves naturally, over time. I hadn’t known him long enough to know these things yet, though I felt compelled to defend him none the less. There was only one thing that I had witnessed that I could offer them, “He’s a terrible dancer.”
Rebecca burst into laughter, “That’s hardly a flaw, Hailey! Put anyone next to you and they’ll pale in comparison. That just isn’t fair!”
I was at a total loss. “I don’t know, I guess I still don’t know that much about him.”
“And you’re letting him put his tongue in your mouth?” she blurted out.
“Oh, please!” I exclaimed, tossing the coffee-soiled washcloth at her. “You’ve done a lot more with guys you knew a lot less about, Rebecca.”
She burst into laughter. “You’re so cute when you get all riled up! I didn’t know you could be so feisty, it’s fun!” She walked over to the light switch, turning off all of the lights.
I didn’t know why it mattered to me so much, but having her question Jonah and his integrity had struck a nerve with me. I didn’t like it and it was making me defensive. “You really suck right now, just so you know.” I mumbled, wishing to end the conversation entirely.
“Just be careful with this guy,” she said, her voice taking a more serious turn. “You know I want you to be happy, but I also want what’s best for you, Hailey.”
I sighed and smiled softly at her, “I know I haven’t known him very long, I get it. But there’s something about Jonah that makes me feel like I have known him forever.”
“Uh-huh,” she said, unfazed.
“He’s not the guy you think he is. He’s different.”
“Sounds like you’ve already fallen head over heels,” Rebecca said, nudging me with her hip as she walked past me.
I bit my bottom lip, considering Rebecca’s words for a brief second. “I wouldn’t exactly phrase it like that,” I said firmly, shaking off the notion. But I had meant what I had said, something about Jonah was familiar to me. I just couldn’t explain why.
. . .
My week consisted of one let down after another. Things between Matt and I were more awkward than ever. I tried to have a normal conversation with him, but it felt strained and forced. Despite the two nights I had camped out in the library cramming for my Media Theory exam. I only managed a passing grade, it definitely wasn’t my best. While walking to my first class on Thursday morning, I stepped in a puddle that soaked my foot up to my ankle in my favorite pair of shoes, which made me late. Professor Cavanaugh, not impressed with my late arrival, chose to make an example of me all class, which was not only embarrassing, it was degrading. And then there was Friday. The day I had been dreading all week long. The ninth anniversary of my father’s death.
I wore a smile for everyone to see. I nodded along to conversations I wasn’t listening to, faked my interest and pretended to care about the things they were saying. No one seemed to notice that it was all a charade. I couldn’t decide if I should feel relieved or offended. There was a part of me that wanted someone to ask if I was okay or to simply give me a hug and let me cry it out— but there was a whole other part of me that didn’t want to share how I was feeling at all, because I knew they would never understand what I was going through.
It had been four days since I had last seen Jonah. I hadn’t heard a word from him, which was frustrating and definitely wasn’t helping to improve my mood. I couldn’t make sense of his disappearing acts, my patience with him and his antics was wearing thin. But he was the least of my concerns, merely a distraction on a day tangled with emotions, memories and unanswered questions. The day couldn’t come to an end soon enough.
I kicked off my jeans, crumpling them into a lifeless ball under my feet and pulled on the first pair of leggings I found in my drawer. As I slipped on the thin knit sweater over my black camisole, I noticed I had caught Shayne’s attention. I quickly twisted my hair up into a bun, my eyes searching around the room for my boots.
“Are you going to the studio?” Shayne finally asked.
I nodded my answer, spotting my boots peeking out from under my bed.
“But it’s Friday,” she protested. “I’m meeting up with some girls from my Physiology class, you should come out with us!”
“Not tonight, but thanks,” I mumbled.
My phone buzzed to life on my desk, ending our conversation. I reached for it, knowing who it was without even looking. I waved a goodbye to Shayne as I pulled on my coat and rushed out the door. “Hey mom,” I said into the phone, breathlessly.
“Hailey! Honey,” my mom’s warm tone was comforting and loving in my ear, “how are you?”
“I’m fine,” I said, my feet barely touching each step as I descended the stairs. “How are you?”
She paused for a moment before answering, “I’m doing good.”
I pushed open the heavy door, the cold, damp air immediately collided with me. It was raining, just as it had been all week long. I pulled my hood over my head as I stepped out into the wet darkness, knowing I would be soaked by the time I made it to the studio.
“I’ve been thinking about you all day, I wanted to call a few times, but I knew you had classes.”
“Mom, I’m fine,” I tried to assure her again. “I’m just on my way to the studio.”
“I wish I was there with you,” she said, her voice cracked as she said the words.
“Mom, are you crying?”
“I just want to be there for you, Hailey. I should’ve come over. I can be there in a matter of hours!”
“Calm down. You’re not driving here.”
“I don’t know why I didn’t think to come to you.”
“Mom. I’m not a child, I’m okay.”
“You’re my child,” she burst into sobs.
I couldn’t help but laugh softly, “You’re so overreacting right now. Are you sure you’re doing okay?” I was beginning to think I should be worried about her. “Where’s Tom?”
It took her a moment to respond. “He’s right here, he misses you and sends his love, too.”
“Tell him the same.” I meant it, though actually telling Tom I loved him still felt weird. He was
a great guy to have as a step-father, caring, loving and supportive. He had never tried to step in to replace my dad, he had always been very respectful about it, which made accepting him into our family really easy. “I’m glad you called, Mom. It’s good to hear your voice.”
“I love you, Hailey,” she said, now calm. “You know your Dad is so proud of you. We all are.”
And that was my undoing. “I love you, too,” was all I could say. I tried to keep my voice calm and composed. If she knew I was now crying, she would be in her car in matter of minutes.
“Call me if you need me. I don’t care what time it is, I mean it!”
“Bye Mom,” I said, feeling my own sobs working their way up. I buried the phone in the pocket of my coat, keeping my eyes down, allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks. I hated today.
I kept my hood on until I was safely tucked away inside one of the vacant dance studios. With it being a Friday evening, it wasn’t likely I would have to share the space with anyone. I shed my heavy coat, tossing it over the bar stool in the corner and glanced at my reflection in the floor to ceiling mirror in front of me. My eyes were red and blotchy, revealing the truth about the state of mind I was in. It was grim and it showed.
I inhaled deeply, trying to suppress the urge to lose it all. This day was slowly spiraling out of control, much like it had nine years before. This day, each and every year, was my hurdle and I had yet to make it over without a struggle. I intended to cope with my sadness the only way I knew how, through dancing.
But tonight I wasn’t dancing for me, I was dancing for him. My dad. All the things I never had the chance to say that couldn’t be expressed in words, I could translate through movement and music. It was the only way I knew how to communicate to him now that I felt he could understand. The truth was, dancing made me feel close to him again, like he was there, proudly watching from the sidelines.
The music carried me through each step, turn and leap. I was able to let go, relinquish my heart and soul to the music and give my dad a tribute I hoped he could see. I wasn’t thinking about how much I missed him in that moment, I was simply thinking about how much I loved him.