by True, Holli
Being with Hailey wasn’t an option, but living without her seemed equally as impossible. My mind told me not to want her, but every part of me craved her. Her touch, her laughter, her smile. More than anything, I just wanted to look into her eyes again, a place I could live in forever. The way she looked at me was something I could never explain and I knew, without a doubt, it was what I missed most. Her eyes on mine, seeing me.
I felt a sharp stab in my chest, agony overcoming me. What I wouldn’t give to have just five more minutes with her. Five minutes to tell her everything I wanted to say, to touch her face, to just hold her. No matter how wrong it was for me to want it, I couldn’t change the way I felt about her. A million years and a million miles between us wouldn’t change it, either. I was created for her, just not in the way I wanted.
. . .
The music was blaring out of the speaker above us, making it harder to concentrate on everything Ben was chattering about. Sunday nights were always popular at Maven’s, tonight was no exception. Ben was seated across from me, the words flying from his mouth at a rapid pace. His blonde hair more unruly than normal and his expressions more animated as he divulged his exciting night at the Sigma Pi frat party.
“Sounds like you had a good time,” I said. It was a total understatement given the amount of enthusiasm he had offered in telling me about it.
“You should’ve been there, man!”
“Not really my scene,” I said dryly.
“You have no idea what you’re missing out on!”
I begged to differ, but it was pointless, so I said nothing.
“You know Matt invited Hailey,” he said, eyeing me closely.
This piqued my interest, though I already knew this. I leaned my elbows in on the table, crossing my arms in front of me. “Yes. I know.”
“He is persistent,” Ben said with a sly smile.
“Or relentless,” I snapped.
Ben laughed, “If I didn’t know better, I would say you sound jealous.”
I found no humor in Ben’s statement. “Matt can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that Hailey isn’t interested.”
“Because she’s in love with you,” Ben said nonchalantly.
My jaw instinctually clenched tight. I slowly shook my head and looked down, concentrating on the grain patterns of the wood table we were sitting at. “You and I both know how she feels about me, doesn’t matter.”
“Yet, you love her, too.”
I pressed my hands to my temples with frustration. “It doesn’t change anything, Ben.”
“Love none the less,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “See, this is exactly my point with the whole
monogamy thing. Look at you two, you’re both miserable!”
“What the hell are you talking about? This has nothing to with that.”
“I don’t see her dating anyone else, do you?”
“That doesn’t even matter,” I slammed my hand down on the table, causing an empty beer bottle to fall on it’s side.
A nearby group of girls looked over with confused expressions. Almost instantly a black haired waitress rushed over to collect the fallen bottle, along with the others scattered about the table. She quickly wiped down the table with a washcloth, placed the drink menu upright in the center of the table and then disappeared back into the crowd.
“Do you feel better now?” Ben asked, raising a brow at me.
“Not at all,” I said, standing from my chair. I walked over to an empty space on the wall and pressed my back against the brick. I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket, feeling restless in both my mind and body.
I watched as Ben stood from his chair, but he walked in the opposite direction from where I stood. I was relieved he took the hint. Every waking thought I ever had about Hailey had been picked apart and internalized by me countless times. Ben only knew bits and pieces of the story, he was in no position to offer unsolicited advice. I knew he meant well, but nothing he had to say would change the situation, which made talking about it a complete waste of time.
A small group of guys entered Maven’s, distracting me from my thoughts. My defenses immediately kicked in when I spotted Matt amongst them, as well as Ethan, who’s cold eyes were already locked on me. I stood straight up, taking a protective stance, ready for a confrontation, should it take place.
Instincts took over and I quickly scanned the room until my eyes settled on Hailey. She was sitting at a large table with a group of people from one of her classes, Shayne by her side. She noticed Matt’s group, still near the entrance and then turned and whispered something to Shayne. With a quick nod and a big smile, Shayne stood up and waved at the group. Matt spotted the girls, gave a nod and led his entourage over to them.
As a round of introductions took place, I made my way across the room, closer to their table. Unaware that I was there, Hailey’s attention remained on Matt and his friends. They wasted no time in filling the empty spaces staggered about the table. Of course, Matt opted for the seat beside Hailey. Anger seethed through me.
A couple seated at a small table just a few feet from them stood and gathered their belongings before making their way toward the door. I took this as my opportunity to get close enough to hear what they were saying. With Hailey’s back to me, I sat in one of the vacant seats, keeping a watchful eye on her.
“I should be mad at you for standing me up last night,” Matt said, leaning close to Hailey. “Too bad that’s impossible.”
“Sorry about that,” Hailey said, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear. “I was at the library. If I survive freshman year with passing grades, it’ll be a miracle.”
Matt gave her a sideways glance, a slow smirk appeared. “I thought maybe you blew me off for the boyfriend.”
Hailey took a deep breath before shaking her head softly, “I told you, we broke up.”
“I figured he would’ve come to his senses by now, that’s all.”
Hailey looked down at her hands, saying nothing.
I wanted to walk over to them and end the conversation at once. Take her in my arms, kiss her lips and cradle her beautiful face in my hands. Everything within me was screaming to give in and go back on everything I knew and believed— to choose what was right for my heart, regardless of the consequences. But when it came to Hailey, I couldn’t be selfish. I had to do right by her, even if it felt wrong inside.
“Well, you missed a great party, isn’t that right, Shayne?” Matt reached over and put his arm around her.
Shayne nodded her agreement with a smile. “I tried to convince her,” she said to Matt, gesturing to Hailey, who was still looking down.
“That’s okay,” he said, releasing his grasp on Shayne to wrap his other arm around Hailey’s shoulders, “there will be many others!”
Seeing him with his hands on her made me sick.
“You got that right!” One of Matt’s friends reached over and gave him a high-five over Hailey’s head, his eyes lingering on her longer than I liked.
“Didn’t anyone ever teach you it’s rude to eavesdrop on a conversation not meant for your ears?”
The question was directed at me, coming from behind the place where I was seated. I didn’t turn, there was no need. “Didn’t I warn you to steer clear?” I asked, keeping my eyes on Hailey.
“I thought I made it clear that I couldn’t care less about what you want.” Ethan walked slowly around my table, stopping directly in front of me, breaking my line of sight to Hailey. He appeared almost casual as he stood before me, the only obvious tension was his clenched jaw.
I wasted no time finding my feet. Invading his space, keeping my voice low and controlled, I leaned closer to him, “Try me.”
Ethan erupted in laughter, he took a step back and slowly shook his head. “Get a grip, Jonah. What are you going to do? Cause a scene here? You gonna fight me?” he antagonized me, his tone was mocking, but the look in his eyes was menacing and dark.
“I’d be l
ying if I said I wasn’t tempted,” I shrugged, maintaining my cool.
Ethan shook his head in disgust at me. “You do realize you’re ready to go to blows over someone you can’t have, right?”
“Well aware,” I said, unaffected.
Ethan’s jaw twitched, his eyes gleaming. “That’s a very fine line you’re walking,” he said, folding his arms across his chest.
I processed his words for a moment, “Something tells me you only recognize it because you’re walking the same line.”
Ethan retreated in his stance, “I guess you’ll have to wait and see.” His message almost sounded cryptic, which gave me an uneasy feeling. He shot me a devious grin and without another word, left me standing there, finding a table on the other side of Mavens.
. . .
To my surprise, Matt managed to keep his hands to himself most of the evening, aside from the occasional arm over the shoulder and light nudge. It made it easier for me to keep my distance and watch from afar, though I still wanted to physically remove him from anywhere that Hailey resided. I didn’t trust him, plain and simple, especially when he had someone like Ethan around to influence him.
It was close to eleven when Matt’s entourage stood to leave. As his friends made their way to the doorway, Matt lingered at the table a little longer, still seated between Hailey and Shayne. It was at this time that I noticed Ethan and the group of guys he was with also stand and head toward the exit, too. Despite the cold glare I felt Ethan shooting my direction, I kept my attention fixed on Matt.
“A few of us are going to hike Mount Pisgah tomorrow evening to watch the sunset. You should join us,” he said, extending the offer to both Hailey and Shayne.
Shayne was the first to eagerly accept, “I’m in!”
Hailey looked from Shayne to Matt before slowly shaking her head, “I have a thesis to write. Maybe
another time.”
With Matt’s attention on Hailey, Shayne rolled her eyes behind his back. “No worries, I totally get it,” he said casually. He turned his attention back to Shayne, “Meet us in the rec room at five. I’ll make sure you have a ride.”
“I’ll be there,” she said with a broad smile.
“If you change your mind, Hailey...” he trailed off and then stood up.
“Thanks for the offer,” she said, waving goodbye as he walked toward his friends, who were still waiting by the door.
Shayne wasted no time in interrogating Hailey, “Why did you say no?”
Hailey took deep breath, taking her time before responding, “Because, I don’t want to send him mixed signals.”
“So you’re just going to decline every offer he extends to you? Pretty soon, he’ll just stop asking all together.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Hailey joked.
Shayne narrowed her eyes at her.
She sighed. “Look, Matt doesn’t seem to get that I’m not interested. Apparently, neither do you.”
“He asked you to go on a hike— with a group— not a romantic dinner for two.”
“Trust me,” she said, shaking her head, “if I said yes, it would mean something different to him. So to save myself from the awkwardness of it all, I’m not going on any dates with him. Group or otherwise.”
“What about Logan?” Shayne pried.
“What about Logan?” Hailey demanded.
“You blew him off, too.”
“He lives in California, Shayne.”
“And if he didn’t?”
“Why does it matter to you?”
She crossed her arms, “Because I want you to admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“That this is about Jonah, isn’t it?”
“Don’t start,” Hailey groaned as she stood up, her chair made a loud scraping noise as it grazed the wood floor. “I already know how you feel about him, I don’t need to hear it again.”
“Actually, I think you do.”
“I assure you, I don’t.” She was fighting a frown as she slipped into her jacket.
“I just don’t understand why you’re so hung up on him!” Shayne exclaimed, “You’re going to have to move on!”
Hailey scowled at her, “Don’t you think I know that?” she snapped. “I just, I don’t know, I guess I feel like things are still unfinished between us. I need closure, or whatever. But I haven’t even seen him since that night.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Shayne asked, looking at her as though she had lost her mind. “Him breaking your heart isn’t enough closure for you?”
“Stop it,” she said, her tone firm and serious.
Shayne put on her own coat, shaking her head, “What? I’m tired of you living in this constant state of remorse!”
“And I’m tired of everyone telling me to get over it. Why don’t all of you get over the fact that I’m not over him!”
I buried my face in my hands, feeling more frustrated than ever. Shayne was right, Hailey had to forget about me. But I didn’t know what else I could do to make Hailey see that. I had left— what more could I have possibly done?
I stood from my chair, my steps small and heavy as I closed the space between us. The closer I got to her, the more intense my yearning to touch her became. But, even if I reached out, she wouldn’t feel it. Not when I was like this. Despite knowing that, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets, fighting the urge to attempt it with everything I had.
She stood before me, turned at a slight angle as she continued her conversation with Shayne. As she reached up and pulled her hair out from under her jacket, my imagination began to fill in the gaps where my senses failed me. The memory of the scent of her honey shampoo was so vivid, I almost believed I could smell it now. But as I inhaled, there was nothing.
Hailey glanced over her shoulder, her eyes traveled right through me to the oversized clock hanging on the far wall. “It’s late, we should go,” she said as she turned back to Shayne.
“Lead the way,” Shayne said with sigh, taking a step back so Hailey could walk around her.
They moved right past me, neither of them able to see me standing beside them. I glanced over at Ben, who was waiting by the exit. As the girls walked out the door, we followed them out into the night. I had to accept that this was what I would be subjected to for the rest of our days. Invisible, yet tethered.
- 11 -
far from yesterday
HAILEY
My mom beamed at me for the twentieth time that hour. “It’s so good to have you home!”
I smiled at her from across the table, her matching green eyes gleaming back at me. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed this place.”
She hadn’t taken her eyes off of me since earlier that afternoon, when she and Tom had picked me up in front of my dorm. The entire drive home, all two and a half hours, she talked my ear off about anything and everything that had been happening at home. She failed to remember that she had already relayed most of the information to me over the phone in previous conversations, but I didn’t say anything. The last thing I wanted to do was spoil the moment, after all, she was happy and so was I. Instead, I nodded and pretended to be interested, catching a sympathetic grin from Tom in the rearview mirror from time to time.
Since arriving home, she hadn’t left my side. It was almost as though she was afraid to let me out of her sight. After helping me unpack, which took all of five minutes, she insisted we sit and visit more. Only this time it was my turn to talk, she asked about everything, my classes, my job, my friends. I did my best to fill her in on all of the details about my life in Eugene, what I liked about college life and what I could live without. When she asked if there was a boy in the picture, I quickly changed the subject to my reason for coming home, Thanksgiving. It was the perfect distraction for her, as she started mumbling off all of the things she already had prepped, swiftly moving to the longer list of things that still needed to be accomplished.
And now, as the three of us sat at the dinner table, just as we h
ad countless times before, her excitement to have me home hadn’t subsided. Tom reached out and squeezed her hand and gently smiled at her before turning his attention to me, “You would never guess it, Hailey, but your mother has been beside herself all week in preparation for your homecoming.”
I couldn’t help but giggle, “You’re right, I never would have guessed that!” I teased.
“Oh, stop it, you two!” my mom rolled her eyes and waved a hand at both of us. “Can’t a mother be happy to have her baby back home?”
It was Tom’s turn to roll his eyes. “She’s eighteen, Christy,” he said with a laugh. “Hardly a baby anymore.”
“She’ll always be my baby,” she mumbled.
I loved the way they were with each other. My mom and Tom had met a year after my father had passed away. They were introduced through a mutual friend that they shared, someone I didn’t really know. At the time, like us, he was in repair. His fiancé, Shelly, had been struck by a drunk driver years before and had been killed on impact. What started out as friendship for my mom and Tom slowly turned to love, which really made perfect sense. There was an unspoken, mutual understanding and bond between them that very few people would ever understand.
When I was fourteen, the three of us went on vacation to Hawaii. On our second day there, Tom got down on both knees, in the sand, and proposed. To me. With my mom at my side and tears streaming down both of our faces, he asked for my permission to ask for my mom’s hand in marriage. When I nodded my acceptance, because I couldn’t speak, he then asked me if I would accept him into my life as a loving step-father. And I happily did.
With Tom, my mom and I both learned how to love again. How to smile and feel whole. He had always been incredibly understanding and patient with both of us, just as we had always been with him. None of us would ever forget the ones we loved, who we had also lost, but moving forward was something we had to learn to do- so we did it together. Over the years, he never tried to take the place of my father and I loved him even more for that. Tom was everything our family needed and I knew, without a doubt, that we were exactly what he needed, too.